1001 Dark Nights: Bundle Nine

by Carrie Ann Ryan

  “Unless—”

  “And that’s just fine with me,” she interrupts in a firm voice. “And better for my sisters, who shouldn’t have to live with Anastasia when she’s in the middle of press-induced drama.” She lifts one terrycloth-covered shoulder and lets it fall. “Besides, like I said, I don’t want to ruin Phillip’s life; I just want to escape the shadow he casts.”

  I nod patiently. “I understand. And I understand not wanting to spill information that would draw negative attention to you or your sisters. But cutting a human spoon full of herpes down to size has been known to reduce the length of his shadow. Just something for you to think about…”

  I shrug like I couldn’t care less what she decides, even though I’m dying to dig into Phillip’s past and see what other incriminating, non-Penny-related dirt I can find on him. The smug prick needs to be taken down and I’m just the bastard to do it.

  Penny chuckles. “No. But I do enjoy your names for Phillip. I would like them gathered into a coffee table book, paired with horrifying illustrations.” She sticks out her tongue, shuddering before she pops another berry between her lips. “I can’t believe I ever found him attractive.”

  “Really?” I study her covertly while pressing the muffin crumbs from my plate onto a finger. “He’s a good looking guy. A shit stick, but good looking, I’ll give him that.”

  Her nose wrinkles and she seems to have trouble swallowing. “Ew. No.” She reaches for her mug, taking a healthy swig of coffee. “I can’t see it. At all. When I look at him now, all I see is evil. Gleeful evil. He doesn’t regret a single terrible thing he’s done, as long as it gets him closer to being as famous as my mother.”

  “How’s that going for him?” I ask, pleased by her response. I’ve been telling myself I don’t care if she’s still as hung up on Phillip as she is hurt by him, but that’s a dirty lie. I don’t want her to be hung up on another man, especially a slimy taint biscuit like Phillip. It would be just like Rachael.

  The thought freezes me mid-chew.

  No, it wouldn’t be anything like Rachael. Rachael and I were in love, planning a future together, and taking the occasional cruise through the nicer Manhattan jewelry stores, slowing as we passed the engagement ring section. Penny and I are just friends and co-workers.

  And now lovers…

  I shoot her another sideways glance to find her studying me expectantly. I blink. “What?”

  “I asked if you ever watch TV.”

  I clear my throat with a laugh. “Sorry. Haven’t had enough coffee. Yeah, I watch the important stuff, like Sports Central, Comedy Connection, and the Earth Channel.”

  “Really?” Her eyes light up. “I’m addicted to the Earth Channel. They have some amazing programming. As a cultural anthropologist, I’m pretty fussy about my documentaries on indigenous cultures, but they do it right. A lot of integrity and a commitment to recording a way of life without imposing western mores on the narrative.”

  I hum around the rim of my mug, holding her gaze as I set it back down on the glass table between us. “You’re sexy when you use big words.”

  She bites her lip as she smiles. “Well, thanks. You, too. I did a little googling on the psychological impacts of enclothed cognition the other day after you mentioned it. I’ll confess I was a little turned on by the time I was finished.”

  “How about you come over here and I’ll get you a lot turned on.” I reach for her, but she laughs and swats my hand away.

  “No, we have to focus. We’ve only got a few hours before we have to be at the luncheon. So, as I was saying, if you watched television you would have recognized Phillip from Law and Love, Violent Crimes Unit. He’s in his third season and was nominated for an Emmy award this year. He’s also headlined a couple of different Broadway revivals.”

  The information makes me grumpy. My lip curls. “And you’re sure you don’t want me to do something about that? A little scandal goes a long way when someone’s in the public eye.”

  “No, Bash.” She levels me with a stern look. “I’m serious, I don’t want any of that. It’s not necessary. He isn’t happy with his achievements, anyway. He wants a big screen career. I’m sure he’s hoping my mom is going to help with that. She’s been out of the business for a while, but she still has a lot of valuable connections. Though she knows better than to hook him up with her people until she’s gotten what she wants from him.”

  I frown. “And that is…”

  “A handsome young husband,” Penny says softly. “She’s never had one of those before, not even when she was young. Back then she was too busy marrying to advance her career or increase her bottom line. I guess now she wants to marry for love.”

  “You think she loves him?”

  “I think so.” She curls her hands around her mug, shoulders hunching as she huddles deeper into her robe. “As much as she loves anything. Anastasia spends so much energy on Anastasia she doesn’t have a whole lot left for anyone else.” She shivers. “Are you cold?”

  “No, but we can go inside.”

  “No, I like it out here.” She sets her mug down. “I can just go grab some socks. My body is warm, but my toes are always freezing.”

  “I know this about you.” I wave a hand, motioning from her feet to my lap. “Give them to me.”

  “But you’re eating.”

  “I’m done eating and my hands are always warm. It’s one of the many magnificent things about me.”

  “Well, in that case…” She transfers her feet to my lap, her lips pressing together as I wrap my hands around her frigid little toes.

  “You are cold-blooded, aren’t you?” I bring one foot to my mouth, breathing on her toes before rubbing them gently between both palms. “All right, so no background check and no ruining his career, but there are still things we can do. What you said about your mother is important. Phillip has to know that he’s in a quid pro quo situation. He’s not in control, at least not complete control, and even from our brief meeting, I can tell that he prefers to be the one pulling the strings.”

  “Absolutely,” Penny agrees, cheeks flushing as she watches me bring her other foot to my mouth. “I’m sure that’s part of why he behaved the way he did. He was always able to call the shots with me. I’m not much of a manipulator.”

  “One of the many things I like about you.”

  “Thank you. Um…so…” Her breath rushes out. “Damn, I forgot what I was saying.”

  “Should I stop?” I tease. “Are my foot-warming skills getting you too worked up to concentrate? Are your cute little toes your secret erogenous zone?”

  “No,” she says, face going even pinker. “It’s just…intimate.”

  I arch a brow. “You do remember what we were doing half an hour ago.”

  “I do.” She glances up at me through her lashes as I continue to rub her feet. “But that fell under the banging buddy umbrella of mutual pleasure. This is different.”

  I hold her gaze and the air between us thickens with questions I’m not sure either of us knows how to answer. Finally, I clear my throat and force a smile. “It’s not different. It’s part of being in-person friends. You’re my friend and your feet are cold and friends shouldn’t let friends have cold feet.”

  “So you rub Aidan’s feet?” Her brow curves to mirror mine.

  “I do,” I lie. “But don’t tell anyone. He’s not comfortable sharing that part of our relationship publicly. He’s not as secure in his masculinity as I am.”

  She nods, grinning. “Right. I should have known. The sexy beard and all those big, bulgy muscles and tattoos. He’s obviously compensating for a lack of confidence in his own manhood.”

  “Exactly,” I say, eyes narrowing. “My muscles are as big and bulgy as his, you know. The tattoos make his look bigger, but that’s all smoke and mirrors.”

  She laughs, a light, tinkling sound that makes me smile despite how little I enjoyed hearing her use the word “sexy” to describe my best friend. “You’re funny,
” she says, laughter still coloring her voice. “And unexpectedly cute at times.”

  “I am not cute.” I exaggerate my bristly response and squeeze her feet hard enough to make her yip before she giggles again. “I’m the man who made your bones melt and don’t you forget it.”

  “I won’t.” She pauses, her gaze turning inward. A moment later, she sits up straight, eyes widening as she pulls her feet from my lap. “And that’s exactly it. That’s the answer!”

  I nod. “Of course it is. What was the question again?”

  “How to up my game,” she says, reaching out to slap my shoulder in her enthusiasm. “How to handle Phillip!” She stands, grabbing her mug and plate and gathering our crumpled napkins in one hand. “Come on. Back inside. There’s no time to waste. I need to practice.”

  “Practice what?” I ask, hoping it has something to do with me making her bones melt again.

  She stops at the door, turning to flutter her eyelashes in my direction. “Looking like I’m desperately in love of course.”

  CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN

  From the e-mail archives of Sebastian “Bash” Prince and Penny Pickett

  From: MagnificentBastard1

  To: Penny4YourLobsterPot

  Re: Something to keep in mind during interviews

  Hey P,

  Happy Sunday. You’ve been quieter than usual this weekend. Hopefully, that means you’re out somewhere having fun. No need to reply until tomorrow, but I’ve just finished my first date with Cheyenne and it brought up some things I want us to discuss before we sign our next client.

  I think we’ve been overlooking an important part of the interview process.

  Helping women who are deserving and in need is my first priority, but we have to make sure our clients are capable of holding up their side of the arrangement.

  Once we were out in public, Cheyenne cringed every time I touched her hand, Penny. Visibly cringed, like I was that creepy uncle at the family reunion.

  I finally talked her through it, and by the time her ex noticed we were seated at one of the tables in the garden at his favorite restaurant, she was pulling off “Not Completely Repulsed By My Presence,” but we’ve got a long way to go before we’ll be inspiring epic jealousy.

  So from now on, I’m going to add a public outing to the orientation side of things, and I would love for you to dig deeper with the interview questions. If someone has social anxiety or any past trauma that might make it difficult (or impossible) for them to pull off pretending to be madly in love with me, that’s something I need to know.

  Thinking back on it, it’s amazing we haven’t run into a situation like this before. I guess we’ve just gotten lucky that our first few clients had a knack for the dramatic.

  Don’t worry about Cheyenne—I’m not giving up on her until we give her the justice she deserves—but I want to step up our vetting process going forward. I don’t want to turn people away, but I don’t want to fail them, either.

  I felt like shit today, sitting there, wondering if I was going to make things worse for this woman who’s already had it so rough. I don’t want to put a client (or myself) through something like that again.

  Talk soon,

  Bash

  From: Penny4YourLobsterPot

  To: MagnificentBastard1

  Re: Something to keep in mind during interviews

  Oh Bash,

  I’m so sorry. I feel like I’ve failed you.

  Cheyenne and I met for coffee down the street from my apartment for our in-person interview and I noticed that she seemed a little anxious in a social setting, but I didn’t even think about that being an issue with you.

  I guess I just assume that everyone who meets you is going to fall a little bit in love and that won’t leave any energy left for anxiety. I think that’s been the key factor with our other clients. Not that they had a flair for the dramatic, but that by the time they finished the Bash portion of orientation, they were crushing hard enough to make pretending to be crazy about you look real.

  So…maybe you just need to turn up the charm with Cheyenne?

  I’m no flirting expert, but you are. Maybe she just needs a little extra attention to get over the worry hump?

  Let me know if there’s anything I can do to help and I will draw up an addendum to the interview questions and get that to you later this week for feedback.

  Sorry again.

  *hugs*

  Penny

  p.s. You are the furthest thing from a creepy uncle that there is.

  From: MagnificentBastard1

  To: Penny4YourLobsterPot

  Re: Something to keep in mind during interviews

  You didn’t fail me.

  Don’t be silly. Adjustments are a normal part of running a business, especially a new business.

  I appreciate the hugs, the advice, and the faith in my flirting skills. I haven’t thought about the “little bit in love” thing before, but you may be right. I never set out to manipulate anyone, but flirting is the way I instinctively put people at ease…

  To employ that deliberately, however...

  Would that make me a creep? Or qualify as a conflict of interest? Will they think I’m leading them on? Or am I worrying too much about something that is a natural part of this weird career I’ve decided to pursue?

  Full of questions,

  Bash

  From: Penny4YourLobsterPot

  To: MagnificentBastard1

  Re: Something to keep in mind during interviews

  Your career is a little weird, but it’s also a lot great.

  You’re like a fairy godfather, but with more sex appeal ;).

  I think the fact that you’re asking these questions proves that you’re going to be just fine. You’ll know when to establish boundaries and when to take a time out if needed.

  And you could always tell the clients that you have a long-term girlfriend. Let it slip during orientation that you’re in a committed relationship with a wonderful girl. If they believe you’re taken, that might help them separate fantasy from reality.

  We’ll figure this out,

  Penny

  Text from Bash: That’s a brilliant idea! And I have the perfect fake girlfriend in mind…

  From Penny: Yeah? That’s great!

  Bash: Yeah, she’s a lovely girl, and the women will feel a vested interest in our relationship since she’s the woman who connected them with me in the first place.

  Penny: Oh no. Not me!

  Bash: Why not? All of our clients talk about how sweet and wonderful you are. And all of them are sweet enough not to want to make a move on your boyfriend. It’s the perfect arrangement.

  Besides, it was your idea. You can’t say no.

  Penny: Ugh. Fine. But I want fake flowers on Valentine’s Day.

  Bash: You’ll get real flowers on Valentine’s Day and cupcakes on your birthday. My small way of saying thank you for your fake girlfriend assistance.

  Penny: Make those cupcakes a subscription to the pint of the month club at Ample Valley Creamery and you’ve got a deal.

  Bash: Consider it done. You can be bribed with ice cream… I’ll keep that in mind.

  Penny: But only the good stuff.

  Bash: I wouldn’t think of sending anything less than the best, pookie-kins.

  Penny: Thanks, sugar tits.

  Bash: I just spit water all over my phone.

  Penny: I’m good at picking out pet names. What can I say?

  CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT

  After half an hour of making faces at herself in the mirror while I observe from the doorway to the bathroom, offer advice, and try my best not to laugh, Penny is ready to practice her hopelessly in love expression on another person. We spend the next two hours gazing lovingly into each other’s eyes, laughing our asses off, and doing a dry run of some sickeningly sweet “private” conversations we fully intend for Phillip to overhear.

  I don’t know why I didn’t think of it before, but Penny’s absol
utely right.

  With a man like Phillip, a sociopath who feeds on his ability to manipulate other people, it won’t matter how enamored I seem of Penny. He’s going to be looking to her and gauging her reactions. As long as she still seems vulnerable to his influence, he won’t give a shit if I get down on one knee and beg her to marry me at that wedding shower lunch.

  I’ve dealt with exes like him before and had to coach my clients through the kind of performance needed on their part to get under their former lover’s skin, but for some reason, with Penny, I didn’t make the connection right away.

  Maybe it’s because I’m so used to thinking of her as a friend that I’ve let my professional focus slip. Or maybe it’s because I was so busy making love to her like my cock was about to fall off that there hasn’t been time to think about anything else.

  As much as my dick wants to make fucking Penny every few hours standard operating procedure, it’s time to hone in on the problem at hand. As we practice our lovey dovey routine, I resist indulging in more than a few affectionate touches and a lingering kiss on her cheek.

  By half past ten, I can tell Penny is feeling a hundred percent more confident than she did the day before.

  We take turns in the bathroom, arming ourselves for battle, and step out the door into the sparkling spring day looking ready to slay. I’m in custom fitted gray slacks and a navy button-down that hugs my ribs as it tapers to my waist—simple clothes intended to showcase the Magnificent Bastard beneath. Penny’s wearing a navy and white striped dress with a full skirt and a red belt that cinches at the waist, accentuating her curves. Her hair is pulled up in a sleek ponytail tied with a retro-inspired red linen bow, her toes are encased in red peek-a-boo sandals, and as we emerge into the sunlight, she slips red-framed sunglasses onto her face and pushes them up the bridge of her nose.