When We Were Young

by Gen Ryan

  Chapter Four

  “Are you sure you’re okay?” Ava, my best friend since high school, my rock, my voice of reason, had called me every day for the past three weeks since Parker left. Every night ended with the same question. Was I okay?

  That’s such a weird question, considering “okay” was rather relative. Parker still hadn’t called me. I’d gotten a few emails, some missed messages on Skype, but I’d been working and trying to keep going without falling into the common theme that deployments brought for me.

  Depression.

  It’s something I’d suffered from since adolescence, and living the military life hadn’t made it much easier. I threw myself into work and school and anything else I could to try to fill the void that Parker left. With the way we left things, I was even more gutted. I knew that considering divorce or separation was for the best, but when someone was your entire life, it still hurt.

  “I’m fine. I promise.” I poured my coffee into my mug and sealed it off. Checking my bag to make sure it was packed with my lunch and dinner, I headed out for my twelve-hour shift at the hospital.

  “I’m a plane ride away.” She laughed. “Don’t make me bring myself and my three kids all the way down to North Carolina.”

  I laughed, although a visit from Ava and all her children would be amazing. “You’re the best,” I said as I started my car.

  “I know.” A loud thump and a cry vibrated through the phone. “Shit,” Ava muttered. “I got to go, hon. I love you and do what’s best for you. You deserve to be happy. Even if that means moving on. Sometimes things aren’t meant to last forever. You tried your best. Gave it your all.” There was a pause. “Holy shit, Amelia, what did you do?” I sniffed and wiped the tears away.

  “I love you.”

  “Love you, girl. Chat soon.” I was left with what I’d known deep down all along. Everything was in my control. It always had been. I could move on and live life, or continue to hope that Parker would come around and that he’d realize that my love for him was so strong and I’d do anything to make him happy. The question was whether he’d do everything for me?

  ***

  The night at work started off slow enough, which was unheard of as an ER nurse. I was usually running from place to place with emergency after emergency. I actually got to eat the dinner I packed tonight.

  “Rainey!” My coworker Melissa ran down the hall with a cart. “Teenage gunshot victim, ETA two minutes.” I ran toward her, the adrenaline flowing through my veins. It wasn’t subtle. It was intense, coursing through me and giving me laser focus. This was what I lived for, where I was in my element. Parker had said he felt the same at war. The difference was I never left him behind. I chose this career so I could start a family. Build the home I so badly wanted with him. He chose to leave when I wanted him to stay.

  We waited at the emergency room doors, the sound of the incoming ambulance deafening. I swayed from leg to leg as the kid was rushed out of the back of the ambulance and into the hospital.

  “Gunshot to the right side. Extreme loss of blood.” I took in all the information as Melissa and I went to work. We stabilized him enough that the bleeding stopped, and he was whisked to surgery.

  Everything started to die down. The adrenaline melted away, and I was left with the aftermath of a trauma. As I cleaned the blood from my hands, I felt confident, in control, powerful. As a calmness came over me, I couldn’t help but realize how much I loved my job.

  “Great work out there. You sure you aren’t a doctor?” I turned around and saw the paramedic leaning against the doorframe. I laughed and dried my hands.

  “My student loans are horrific enough. I’d be scared to see what they’d look like for a doctor.” He laughed. It was deep and traveled through me, sending shivers down my spine. I shook it off and chalked it up to frazzled nerves.

  “Cold? They do keep these hospitals pretty chilly.” He walked into the room and held out his hand. “I’m Levi, by the way.”

  Shaking his hand, I replied, “Rainey.”

  “That’s an interesting name.” He smiled and cocked his head to the side, studying me a bit more.

  “My mom liked the rain,” I added. For some reason, I was feeling funny. I needed a good laugh.

  He laughed for what seemed like forever. I remained stoic and serious, my face never showing that I was joking.

  “Oh shit.” He squared his shoulders. “You’re serious?”

  “Yes. I’m serious. My sister’s name is Snow.”

  He shook his head nervously. “I’m sorry. I’m an asshole.” He ran his fingers through his light brown hair. I stared at it for longer than necessary; the loose curls highlighted his chiseled features. He had a beard, which I normally didn’t care for but suited him, close-cut and tight to his cheeks and chin. He had to be only a couple inches taller than me because I didn’t need to crane my neck to look up at him.

  “I’m kidding.” I laughed. “My mom liked the name, and I’m an only child.”

  He let out his breath. “Jesus. I thought I was batting a thousand on my first impression. Way to impress the ladies.”

  I gulped at his response. He was trying to impress me? The banter back and forth was harmless, but guilt spurred in me and I thought about Parker. Although things were still left in limbo between us, I drew the line at innocent flirting.

  “I’ve got to get back to work.” I slid past him, purposely trying not to touch him. “Nice to meet you.”

  I rushed down the hall before he could respond.

  “Raindrop!” he called after me as he hustled to catch up. I grinned to myself at the nickname. “I hope you didn’t take offense to anything I said back there. I was trying to be funny.” He ran his fingers through his hair again. “Which isn’t really my strong suit,” he mumbled.

  Okay. I was overreacting. He wasn’t asking me out or doing anything inappropriate. Other than a few coworkers here, I didn’t have many friends. Ava was about it, and a few army wives I was forced into relationships with. It kind of came with the territory.

  “No. You’re fine.” Awkwardness swarmed around us. I glanced down at my phone. “This is usually when my husband e-mails me or gets on Skype. I don’t want to miss him.” That’s right. Mention Parker. Your husband. Lay it all out there so there’s no funny business. Even though he hasn’t called you in days.

  “Husband?” I caught a hint of disappointment. “How long have you been married?” he asked.

  “Eight years,” I said as I clutched my phone. I knew Parker wouldn’t call me, but holding my phone made me feel safe and connected to him.

  “Wow. So, what, you got married as an infant?”

  I smiled. Levi’s jokes really were horrible. “No, when I was eighteen. He’s in the military.”

  “Ah.” Levi nodded. “You guys are one of those.”

  My back went stiff. “What does that mean?”

  He shrugged, and then his eyes got large. “I didn’t mean anything....”

  “No. You don’t know me, Levi.” I moved closer to him and pressed my finger against his chest. “You think you know why I married my husband at eighteen, because of some stereotype?” He opened his mouth to respond, and I shook my head. “Don’t bother trying to explain yourself. Sure, my marriage isn’t all rainbows and butterflies, but what marriage is? Yes, I got married at eighteen, but it wasn’t for extra money in the paycheck or some other stereotypical army family bullshit story. We loved each other.”

  Levi put up his hands. “Listen. I honestly didn’t mean anything by it. I give you credit for staying married. My marriage lasted six months before my wife slept around on me.” I loosened up a bit at his confusion. “Some women can’t hack the man who works and is away from home for too long. I was in the army for four years. I know how it can be.”

  “It’s a difficult life, but I don’t regret it.” The words sounded flat because I wasn’t sure if I meant it anymore, but this stranger in front of me didn’t need to know that.


  Levi’s pager sounded, and he glanced down. “Duty calls.”

  “Yeah,” I said. Levi turned on his heels and walked away, and I headed in the other direction. Shaking my head, I felt like an asshole.

  “Rainey?” I turned to face Levi one last time. “Just remember you said that you guys loved each other.” And with that, he was gone.

  It was true. I’d said we loved each other. Not that we were in love with each other.

  As if sensing my turmoil, my phone vibrated in my hand with an incoming e-mail from Parker. Pulling it up, I took a minute to read it.

  Rainey,

  I won’t be available for a while. Going on a long mission without access to Internet or phones.

  I needed reassurance, and this e-mail didn’t help my already whirling mind with the doubt that plagued it. I heard my name being called and saw people running toward the ambulance bay. Shoving my phone in my pocket, I refocused on my job, because that was the only constant that I had right now. My work and Ava. Everything else was in limbo.

  Chapter Five

  “So, you’re telling me some random guy you never met before convinced you of something I’ve been trying to convince you of for years?”

  “It’s not that easy, Ava.” I sighed.

  “Was he hot at least?” She laughed, and I stayed silent. “He was hot, wasn’t he?”

  “Okay!” I scolded. “Levi’s hotness had nothing to do with me realizing that I’m ready to move on, I think.” I tried my best to sound convincing, but my words alarmed even me. I wasn’t in the right mindset, so I’d probably find Santa Claus attractive right now.

  “Sure. Whatever you say,” Ava scoffed.

  “I’m not a damn hussy!”

  “Obviously, I know this.” Ava paused. “What are you going to do?”

  I leaned back on the couch and stared at the ceiling.

  “I have no idea. I don’t want to have this conversation with him via e-mail while he’s fighting to stay alive. A Dear John letter sounds pretty shitty.”

  “Yeah,” Ava agreed. “But you both kind of left it on ending terms. So now you should wait a year to start living? I know you, Rainey, you won’t even look at another guy until it’s official,” she lectured.

  “I don’t even care about other men. I just want to be happy.” My heart twisted in my chest. I was happy once, when we were in high school and life seemed so simple.

  “And happy you shall be!” Ava professed as call waiting beeped.

  “A private number’s calling through. I better get it.”

  Ava sighed. “I’ll hold. Kids are napping, thank Christ.” I clicked over.

  “Hello?”

  “Hey.” Parker’s voice sounded distorted and distant as it rang through my ears. I stumbled on my words at the realization that it was him.

  I wasn’t expecting him to call. Quite frankly, he never called, even when times were good. I was always here. No effort was needed to keep me waiting all these years. I was here whenever he needed me. Maybe that was my problem? Making myself so easily attainable and accessible. Little late to realize that.

  “Is everything okay?” My senses were on alert, thinking about what could be going on that he needed to call me.

  “Everything’s fine. I wanted to talk to you about something.” My shoulders went rigid. That was never a good start to a conversation.

  “Okay.” I sat down because I knew this was going to be it. The moment that I knew was coming. The end.

  “I’ve met someone.” My throat went dry. That wasn’t what I was expecting at all. Never once had the possibility that he had met someone crossed my mind. Then it all clicked. The text messaging. The smiling. The fucking girl eyeballing me.

  “How long?” Something in me knew that this was a while in the making. I wanted to be angry, but my insecurity crept in. I wanted to punch him, call him every name in the book, but I wanted the facts. To know how dumb I’d been and for how long.

  “Does it matter?” Back was his tone that always got under my skin but caused me to shut my mouth without question. Not this time. I wouldn’t cower and nod and accept what he said. I was fiercely loyal, had altered my entire life to suit his. I at least deserved to know what the fuck had been going on while I’d been trying to keep our marriage together.

  “It matters!” I screamed, not recognizing my own voice. I was shaking, my entire body pulsing with the anger that coursed through me. I felt betrayed and completely stupid. I had given my entire life to this man, not long ago felt his lips against mine, and those same lips had been on someone else’s. “Do you remember when we saw each other after we met for the first time in the diner and you made up that poem?” I closed my eyes and remembered how special I’d felt. I didn’t feel special anymore. I felt used and discarded. I’d been a fucking idiot to think that Parker loved me still.

  All eyes were on me as I walked to the front of the classroom and pulled out the roster the teacher had given me. Mrs. Mulligan was my favorite teacher. My AP English Literature and creative writing teacher and mentor. Since I’d finished all my English requirements for graduation, plus aced my AP exam, the principal agreed to let me be a teaching assistant.

  I knew all the students on the roster except one, Parker Matthews. I glanced around for an unfamiliar face and didn’t see anyone. Shrugging, I placed the paper down to get the class started for Mrs. Mulligan.

  “All right, who has an original work that they are ready to share?” I had hated the first time Mrs. Mulligan asked my class to share our work. I wasn’t a writer. I had never cared for it really, but I loved reading, literature, how someone could string words together and make you feel whatever they wanted. I was envious of that power. I’d tried, repeatedly, but my structured mind never let me go anywhere beyond prose that sounded like something out of The Cat and the Hat. Mrs. Mulligan was kind, though, and never gave up on me.

  “No one?” I glanced around at the red faces. “Okay, I guess I’ll have to pick someone.” Walking up and down the aisles, I paused just as the door to the classroom opened. Like a cool breeze, the body, the face, the walk I remembered from that night at the diner stood before me. Looking me straight in the eyes, he found the only empty seat and placed his bag on the ground before sliding his long frame into the seat.

  Girls whispered and giggled, causing my cheeks to flush at the realization that I wasn’t the only one who found him captivating. I wanted to stake my claim, but he wasn’t mine. Hell, he’d never even called me.

  I couldn’t move or find my voice, which seemed to have left once he entered the room. My mouth opened, then shut, and more giggles filled the air.

  “Share your original work, Mr. Matthews.” Mrs. Mulligan entered and nodded to me as she went to the front of the room.

  I tried to will my eyes to not follow him as he walked past me. He faced the class, giving the grin that had made me think about him all summer with just one encounter.

  He cleared his throat, then began.

  “Her voice was like satin, smooth against my warm skin. Each curve of her body visible beneath the black apron that clung to parts of her that she hid from the world. But I’m no stranger to hiding parts that you hate. I saw right through her, to the woman—the perfection—that was underneath.”

  I clutched the side of a desk, my mouth hanging open as Mrs. Mulligan looked between him and me. A smile crept on her lips.

  “Seems we have a romantic in here, ladies.” More whispers flowed through the room. “Thank you for sharing, Parker. You may have a seat.” He passed right by me, the row between the desks seeming too small for us both to fit. Sucking in my stomach, I inhaled, the soft scent of Irish Spring wafting around me.

  “Rainey,” he whispered as he scooted by. And with just the sound of my name, everything Ava had been saying to me came into my mind. Live. Be a teenager. I wanted him. His words, his mouth that said my name like it was the sweetest thing that ever graced his lips. Whether that poem was something he wrote mont
hs ago when we first met, or made up from just seeing me now, he remembered me, and damn, did I remember him.

  Those were the days that I wanted to remember fondly. The times when there were no struggles between us, when we were just getting to know each other. When we were young.

  “We were young, Rainey. Things are different now.”

  I chuckled. “Yeah, because you’ve stuck your dick into someone else. What does she have that I don’t?” My insecurities crept in, and I hated it. I stared down at my wide hips and slight pouch of my stomach. Maybe if I was skinnier, fitter. I shook my head to rid myself of those thoughts. This wasn’t my fault. No matter what flaws I had, no one deserved to be cheated on.

  “Don’t go there. I’m not going to tell you who she is or compare the two of you. You’ll always be my first love. But that’s the thing about first loves, they aren’t always meant to last forever.”

  I was dumbfounded. Had I spent my entire life forcing something that was doomed from the start? The high school sweethearts that people said were so strong and so much in love, when really our marriage was slowly dying as each day went on? Parker was right. They weren’t made to last forever. At least ours wasn’t.

  “I’ve tried so hard to make this work.” The words escaped my lips, the weight of them releasing the tension from my shoulders.

  Parker sighed. “You did, but that’s the problem. Just you tried. I wouldn’t and can’t put in the effort.” He paused. “We’re so different. It’s easier this way. You deserve a man who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated. You’ve always been a better person than me. Stronger, smarter. I’m setting you free.”

  I held the phone away from my mouth and let out a small whimper. I couldn’t help but feel that even though he was setting me free, I was going to fall. That after years of holding on to a dysfunctional marriage, my wings had grown weak and I had forgotten how to fly. I could live my life the way I wanted, but I was scared. The unknown was never something I embraced, and right now, my life was filled with nothing but uncertainty.