by Gen Ryan
Me: About to eat my weight in ice cream, you?
Levi: That sounds interesting. I just got up. About to go to the beach. Want to join?
The beach? I wasn’t particularly fond of the beach. I liked the sand, and I loved to swim, but there were things in the ocean. Like sharks. Or jellyfish.
But I had no plans. I never had any plans except for when Ava came around. I looked over at the carton of ice cream that was on the counter. Somehow that ice cream became symbolic for everything in my life. If I placed another spoonful in my mouth, I was letting Parker win. Letting him get under my skin and control me like he had these past years.
Leaving the ice cream on the counter, I texted Levi back.
Me: Sounds good. My address is 146 Highland Street. I’ll be ready in a few.
There was no way a few minutes was enough time. I tried to find something to wear that would look halfway decent on me. I wasn’t a typical beach-going type, so my bathing suit selection was scarce. I settled on a black one-piece that hid enough of my ice cream indiscretions and had some tummy-slimming device that made me want to kiss whoever invented it.
Throwing on a yellow sundress over the bathing suit, I grabbed my sunglasses and slipped on my flip-flops just as my doorbell rang.
“Heya, Raindrop.” Levi stood propped against my doorframe. He always wore simple T-shirts. I liked simple. Simple was refreshing for a change. This one was plain orange and matched the swim shorts that hung loosely around his hips. “You look pretty. Yellow suits you.”
“Thanks.” I blushed. “Ready?” I picked up my bag that I had packed with a few things I’d need for the beach and latched the door behind me.
I was nervous. I’d grown so accustomed to Parker and knew everything about him. What he liked, what he didn’t like. I knew how far I could push my sarcastic sense of humor without going too far—I just knew. I thought of all the times we did outings like this together, and I could count on my hand how many times we went out. He preferred to stay in, which meant I preferred to stay in. He never knew much about me, now that I thought about it. I’d invested myself into ensuring I knew my husband inside and out; he invested himself in other things.
Parker: I ordered pizza for dinner. I’ll bring it home with me.
I smiled at Parker’s text message, relieved that I didn’t have to worry about dinner tonight after working all day at the diner and then going to my clinical.
I got home and got comfortable, waiting for Parker to come home with dinner. I prepared the TV with our favorite shows and sipped on my glass of wine.
“Hey.” Parker came into the house, the smell of pizza wafting in the air.
“That smells so good!” I jumped up and pulled down some plates. Parker padded into the bedroom to change out of his uniform.
Opening the pizza, I frowned. Pepperoni. I hated pepperoni.
“What?” Parker looked over at me as he plated himself a few slices.
“I hate pepperoni.” I peeled it off the slice I chose, cheese and sauce coming with it.
“How the hell am I supposed to know that?” Parker shrugged. I brushed aside the ache in my chest at his words. I knew he loved combination pizza the best and thought pineapple on pizza was an atrocity to all pizza lovers everywhere. He hated peas with a passion and used to hide them in his milk when he was younger. I knew his favorite beer. I knew everything because I cared and wanted him to be happy.
Taking my seminaked pizza, I curled up next to Parker and brushed aside my emotions. Someday he’d remember I hated pepperoni. For now, I’d just take care of everything.
“I hate pepperoni on pizza,” I blurted out.
Smooth, Rainey. Smooth.
Levi laughed. “Noted.” He tapped his temple. “Steel vault here. I’ll never forget that nugget of information.”
I smiled politely as he opened his car door. He’d forget, but it didn’t matter. I always had my Ben and Jerry’s to keep me company. They’d never let me down.
***
I slathered on another layer of sunblock, my skin sizzling. It was fucking hot. I was pretty sure I could fry an egg on my skin right then.
“Come on! Cool off.” Levi pulled me off the towel, and I groaned.
“There’s stuff in the ocean.” I cringed, thinking of all the slimy things that could potentially brush against me. Or eat me.
He laughed, and it traveled all the way down to my toes. He had that way about him. A carefree life that made me want to join him. “That there is,” he said.
I squinted so I could see him better. “How are you not cooking in the sun? You’re paler than me. Vampireish, really.” I poked his arm.
“Hate to break it you, but I’m not a vampire.”
I snapped my fingers. “Shucks. I love to watch a man sparkle in the sun.”
“Otherwise I’d suck your blood. We wouldn’t want that, would we?” He leaned in closer, his words kissing my ears.
Levi’s eyes lingered over my neck, and my hand instinctively massaged the area. Like him sucking my neck would be a bad thing.
Here. Bleed me dry.
“Race you!” I took off in a sprint, not caring if any of my parts were jiggling, and dived into the ocean. It was refreshing against my heated skin, and for a brief second, I forgot all about the stuff that was floating around in the ocean.
Lying on my back, I closed my eyes and floated. I heard Levi’s voice, but it was muffled, as most of my head was in the water. I placed my feet down to stand and felt something slimy—and I swore there were teeth, possibly even fangs that brushed against my thigh.
“Oh. My. God. Something has me!” I jumped into Levi’s arms. He caught me effortlessly and chuckled.
“What’s so funny? There’s something down there. Is it a shark? A flesh-eating fish?” Levi pulled me closer and dipped his hand down into the water, pulling out a fistful of seaweed.
“Here’s the culprit. I don’t see any deadly teeth, but why don’t you get a closer look.” He dangled the seaweed over my stomach as I clung to him for dear life.
“Stop!” I screeched with laughter.
Discarding the seaweed back into the ocean, Levi looked down at me, his blue eyes accentuated by the sun.
“I refuse to touch the bottom,” I whispered, trying to shift gears back to the killer seaweed and not how delicious he looked in the sun.
With a bit of maneuvering, he positioned me on his back. I resisted the urge to lick it, mostly because it was covered in ocean water and would be salty. Levi wasn’t overly built, but toned in all the right places. I was a sucker for a nice back.
“Here, wrap your legs around me.” I did as he said and found myself being carted around on Levi’s back, enjoying the ocean, minus the creepy-crawlies that lurked beneath.
“Is this good?” he asked as he waded out deeper into the water.
Resting my head against his back, I smiled. “It’s perfect.” And it was. Way better than Ben and Jerry’s and yelling at romance movies on TV.
***
“I had a good time.” I played with the ends of my hair, trying to avoid eye contact with Levi. I really did have a good time, much more than I expected I would. Something had changed though. A shift in how we looked at each other. That chemistry was always there, now that I thought about it, from the first day that we met and I yelled at him. Now, it was more pronounced and much harder to ignore.
“I did too. I’m glad we got to hang out.” My heart rate quickened. Out of the corner of my eye, I watched him lick his lips. I could almost taste them against mine, but I wasn’t ready for that. Not yet. It wasn’t for a lack of attraction, but I didn’t want to go from one relationship to the next, to use Levi as a means to forget how badly Parker had hurt me. There was still a lot of closure needed with Parker as well. It wouldn’t have been fair to either of us. Right? But my God, did I want to kiss him, to just have something for myself for once.
“I can’t kiss you, Levi,” I blurted out, turning toward him. I expec
ted Levi to look at me like I was stupid, but he didn’t; he laughed softly before gently stroking my cheek.
“I know, Raindrop.”
I opened my eyes that I hadn’t even realized I closed. “Goodbye,” I said as I opened the car door.
“Have a good night.”
I stood on the sidewalk and waved as he drove away.
Once inside my house, I showered and changed into my pajamas. I didn’t turn on sappy romance movies or hide under my blanket. I watched a comedy and didn’t once think about the melting Ben and Jerry’s that had been sitting on my counter since this morning.
Chapter Eleven
I never got sick, but of course on Senior Day I was holed up in my house fighting off the flu. I could barely get up to use the bathroom, let alone shower. If my nostrils weren’t clogged and I didn’t sound like a congested pig, I was sure what I smelled like wouldn’t be pleasant.
A knock at my door made me groan, and I stumbled out of bed. In my oversized nightshirt and fluffy bunny slippers, I opened the door, blowing my nose.
“Parker?” I sneezed, my hair, which was on the top of my head, escaping from the hair tie and falling not so gracefully around my face.
“I brought you soup and flowers.” He stepped forward and placed a kiss on my forehead. “Jesus, you’re burning up. Come on, I’ll take care of you.”
“No!” I held up my hand and backed away. “I’m contagious.”
Parker smiled and closed the door behind him. “I don’t care. I’m going to give you some medicine and let you curl up against me while we watch TV. I’m freezing. We can put that heat to good use.”
I looked at the window and noticed his car wasn’t parked outside.
“Where’s your car?”
“It needs a new battery. I walked.” He moved around my apartment like he lived there. He pretty much did now. My mom had grown fond of him, and since he lived on friends’ couches versus living with his abusive parents, he was here a lot.
“That’s like seven miles!” I screeched.
Turning toward me, he handed me a few pills. “You were worth every one of those miles.”
Maybe it was the fever and I was delirious, but I was going to marry this boy. We were going to have babies and be madly in love, because he was perfect and I loved him.
***
Parker was able to get emergency leave, but with travel time and everything, he wouldn’t be home until the end of the week. That left me to ensure Emily was adjusting to her rehab facility okay. I didn’t mind lending a hand. Emily wasn’t aware of what was going on with her brother and me, and with all that was going on with her, she didn’t need that on her mind right now. She needed to focus on getting better.
I wasn’t sharing my and Parker’s business with everyone. It wasn’t that I was hiding it; it just wasn’t the best conversation starter. “Hey so, I’m getting a divorce. Do you want to go grab burgers?” Plus, although I knew it was the best thing for us both, I was still trying to adjust. Although now that he’d posted a new picture on Facebook, I was sure I’d have to do some explaining sooner rather than later.
Walking into the rehab facility, I checked in at the nurses’ station and walked down the long, narrow hallway. I never paid much attention to hospitals. Everything was sterile and white; there was no color, no vibrancy. The ER was much different. I suppose the hustle and bustle distracted me enough that I didn’t pay much attention to the ambiance. I didn’t understand how this could be seen as a healing environment. To me, healing was all about exposing yourself to life, stepping outside of what had been comfortable your entire life and just living. Like the beach and creepy sea creatures.
I headed to the group room where visitation was allowed. The door was propped open, and the sound of people talking traveled into the hallway. Once I rounded the corner, I saw Emily. She sat in a chair in front of a wooden table that looked worse for wear. Scratches lined the surface, and all the chairs looked like they’d buckle at any moment. A puzzle was in front of her, partially done. She clutched a puzzle piece in her hand and something else in the other, and stared down, seemingly lost in thought. The chair squeaked as she turned to face me, bringing what was in her other hand to my sight. It was a printed email. Tears streamed down her face as her eyes bored into me.
“What’s wrong?” I said quietly as I pulled a chair next to her. The few other families that were in the room were focused on each other, for which I was grateful. I wanted as much privacy with Emily as possible.
“Parker wrote me an email, and the nurse printed it out for me.” She fisted the paper tighter, turning it into a ball. I didn’t say anything to coax her into telling me more, I waited. “You can imagine I was surprised when he mentioned you guys divorcing and how he met someone else. When were you going to tell me, Rainey?” Her words were cold as ice. Fuck. I didn’t want her to feel like I was keeping something from her. I was just trying to protect her, keep her mind focused on her rehab and not Parker and me. I reached out to take her hand in mine, but she snatched it away.
“It’s complicated,” I said with a sigh. I hadn’t wanted her to find out like this. “I wanted you to focus on you. Not on your brother and me.”
Placing the balled-up paper on the table, she turned to face me. Her eyes were bloodshot, her face a ghastly shade of gray.
“You and my brother were the last hope that I had in this fucked-up world.” She let out a breathy laugh. “I thought that with you two, and all that you’ve been through and accomplished together, that love conquered all. Guess I was wrong.”
I felt tears pressing against my eyes and pushed back my emotions. I wanted to let it all out, to tell Emily that I felt what she did and was so incredibly confused, but I couldn’t. I had to be her reassurance even when the idea of love, the forever kind, seemed like a load of shit right now.
“Why can’t you guys just make it work? This isn’t like returning a shirt you don’t like. This is your marriage.” Emily’s voice rose, and people started staring.
“Sometimes people just grow apart. We’re both so different. Even when we met in high school, that was glaringly obvious. The distance kept things exciting, and when things got choppy, Parker would leave again, and the honeymoon stage would start again, but the honeymoon stage isn’t enough for either of us anymore. He’s married to the army, and that’s okay. That’s what he loves. That’s what he’s good at.”
“He said he loved you in the email. That he always will.”
Of course he did. He could never say that stuff to me.
“And I will always love him. Your brother was my first love. Something like that doesn’t just go away.” Even though I wanted it all to. The young love that Parker and I had was so painful. It was a part of my identity. It grew with me. It became a part of me and made me lose parts of myself.
Emily picked at her fingernails, drawing blood from her thumb. “What about us? Where does that leave us?” She let out a whimper. “Everyone leaves. My mother left. My dad left. Parker leaves. I’ll be more alone now than ever. Drugs numb all that.” If my heart wasn’t already broken, it would have shattered into pieces. She didn’t deserve the shitty cards life had dealt her. No one did. But hearing that she turned to drugs to try to make it all disappear was difficult.
Bringing Emily in for a hug, I whispered against her shoulder, “I’ll never leave you. You’ve become my sister just as much as you’re Parker’s. I’ll always be here for you.”
Emily pulled away and stood up, the legs of the chair scraping against the floor.
“Everyone leaves. That’s reality.” Standing in the doorway, she added, “I’ll stick with what I can count on.”
I stayed at the table, finishing the puzzle and getting lost in my own thoughts. I wanted so badly to be there for Emily, and I would be, but something she said stuck with me. Everyone leaves. Nothing lasts, no matter how hard you try, and I was living proof of that.
Chapter Twelve
Nothing could p
repare you for picking up your soon-to-be ex-husband at the airport after not seeing him for months. I knew I should have let him take a taxi, or walk for that matter, but that wasn’t me. God, why couldn’t that be me? I was always nervous when I saw Parker after a long time away, but this was different. The anxiousness and dread in my stomach made me want to vomit. There was a part of me that would love Parker forever. We had been through so much together that I knew those feelings wouldn’t just wash away. A part of us would always be connected. Maybe we’d be friends. Maybe someday it wouldn’t hurt so much, but right now, the pain was poignant.
Parker came down the escalator, his assault pack on his back, accentuating his muscles. He always bulked up more during deployments, spending all his free time in the gym. His usually pale skin had a tan with a hint of redness. My eyes followed him all the way down, and I couldn’t help the smile that flitted across my face. I remembered one of our homecomings and how excited I was to see him.
I swore my heart was going to beat out of my chest. I never imagined loving someone could feel like this, that I could feel both anxious and excited at the same time. I’d waited a year to see my husband. When we eloped, no one supported us, no one believed in us, but we would make it. I knew we would.
People started cheering; the sounds of voices thanking soldiers for their service traveled through the airport. I pulled down my dress, cursing myself for choosing one that was a little more revealing. After a year apart, I wanted to look my best.
Parker rounded the corner, and despite everyone being dressed exactly the same, I could pick him out of a sea of soldiers. He was tall, his chiseled features distinct from everyone else’s. Then his eyes found mine and locked on me. The sparkle and desire I saw made my knees buckle, and before I could blink, he dropped his bag and we ran toward each other.
The embrace was even better than any Hollywood movie. My legs wrapped around his waist, and he held me up with a satisfied grunt.
“You look beautiful, Rainey. I missed you so much.” I couldn’t find the words to tell him how much I missed him, or how hard this year had been; instead, our lips met and our clashing tongues did all the talking that I couldn’t.
