by Gen Ryan
My husband was home. We were whole again.
It was a good memory, one of my favorites of Parker and me. He didn’t drop his bag this time, his eyes didn’t sparkle or linger over my body. They were filled with regret, loss, even confusion. I offered a small smile, which he returned, albeit reluctantly. Gone was the passion and love. All we had were our memories.
“Hey,” Parker said, shuffling his bag between his shoulders. “Thanks for picking me up. I appreciate it.”
“Of course.” I smiled wide, trying not to show my sadness. If I could fake it enough, maybe I would believe it.
“Are you okay?” Parker stared at me, squinting. That was the thing about being married for so long, there wasn’t much I could get past him.
“Yeah. It’s just hard to see you. After everything.”
He nodded. “Let’s go home.” He snapped his mouth shut, realizing what he’d said. It was home once, but now it was just another place. Another memory.
“We’re going to have to work together this next week. Emily needs us. The focus should be on her, okay?” I said the words out loud, but they were more for me, to remind myself of the mission at hand. Emily. Her drug addiction. Not Parker and me.
“Roger that.” Parker grinned and took the keys from my hand. “I’m driving.”
I led the way to the car and stole glances of Parker. We were both so different now. He was hardened from his times at war, the poetry that used to seep from his gorgeous lips now replaced with curse words, regret, and hate. I’d forever hold on to those poems, the words that made me fall in love with him. Because that reality was much better than the stranger that stood before me.
***
We drove home in silence. It wasn’t awkward, but we both were just lost in our minds. I was anxious to see how things were going to go once we were under the roof that we shared for many years, the place that he came home to after countless deployments.
I helped Parker carry in his bags and thought of all the places we made love, and the mornings I’d burn breakfast and Parker would smile and eat the scorched toast and tell me how great it was. That didn’t last long, but I held on to it, something that kept me attached to a marriage that had ended years ago.
We went to our separate areas of the house. I caught Parker grabbing boxes and starting to pack up some of his belongings. I didn’t know where he was going to go. I honestly didn’t want to know, because I was sure it would be to her. Where they could make memories, ones that should have been ours.
“Ha ha.” I heard Parker laugh, and a loud plop fill the air. I walked down the hallway and peeked into the spare bedroom.
“What’s that?” I pointed to the box Parker sat next to, pulling out papers.
“You saved all of these?” He shuffled through more folded notes from high school.
“I saved everything. Every note passed in school. Every letter sent during basic training and deployments, before video chat became a thing.” I sat next to him and tucked my legs underneath me. Riffling through the box, I found tons of old pictures. “I saved pictures too. I haven’t looked at these in forever, but I thought someday maybe our kids would like to see them.” I sucked in my breath. “But that won’t happen now.”
Parker didn’t say anything or even look at me. It seemed he was in denial of what was happening between us, or just didn’t care. Either was totally plausible.
“Wow. This is the first note I ever wrote you. I remember Emily complaining that I didn’t just call you.”
He opened the letter, and I sat and listened to him read it out loud
Hey, Rainey,
I was hoping that you’d get to know me first before I showed you things about me that I’m not proud of. My life isn’t all rainbows and butterflies and dreams of going to college. It’s about surviving, wondering if I’ll have dinner tonight, or a warm bed to sleep in.
At this point you’ve met Emily, my sixteen-year-old little sister who’s pregnant by Adam. I shouldn’t have touched him, but he hits her, so I figured I’d show him what a man hitting another man feels like. I know you’re probably sitting there feeling sorry for me and Emily. She can dish it out as good as she gets it, don’t let her fool you. And me, well you saw what I can do.
I’m a scrapper. I do what needs to be done in order to survive. I wear a ROTC uniform because the army is the only way I know how to get out of my current situation and start my own life. College isn’t an option for me like it is you. You’re smart. I can see it. Plus, I may have asked around about you.
I have no idea why I’m telling you all this. Maybe so there’s full disclosure between us? I don’t know. You don’t owe me anything, but from the moment I saw you at the diner, I knew I’d see you again. So, you know what I did? I walked out and threw away your number, and here I am, at your school.
I’ll be back in school tomorrow. Here’s a number to reach me. In case you can’t wait that long.
See you tomorrow.
Always,
Parker
We sat in silence for a moment just taking in the letter.
“I sure had a way with words, didn’t I?” Parker chucked the letter back into the box. I didn’t know why he was getting so angry all of a sudden.
Bringing my legs close to my chest, I answered. “You did. It was one of the reasons why I fell in love with you. Your words were magical.”
He snickered. “My fucked-up past offset that. My anger destroyed my love for words and sent me straight into the army. Now look.”
I stretched out and thought about what he said. I was looking, right at a man whose life could have ended up just like his sister’s. Our marriage might be ending, but what his life could have been was a lot worse.
“If you think of where you could have ended up, this is a much better alternative.” I tried to offer a reassuring smile.
“You always encouraged me, even when I was an asshole, which was more often than not. Thank you for that. For believing in me when I didn’t believe in myself.” He fiddled with the outside of the box, avoiding my eyes. “I’m sorry I couldn’t love you the way you needed. The way you deserved. I hope someone comes along and makes you forget all about the shit I put you through.” He finally stopped picking at the box and looked up at me, tears glistening in his eyes. “I’m so sorry for failing you. For failing us.”
My heart was crushed. Parker was damaged, much more so than I ever imagined. Our life didn’t turn out how we planned, but all of this was making me stronger, wiser, and more in tune with who I was as an individual. So much of my identity had been tied to Parker since finding him at such a young age. I lost parts of myself when I fell in love with him. I was finally becoming the person I was destined to be. But as much as it was wonderful to know that I was healing, becoming whole, and I knew I was going to be better because of this divorce, Parker was hurting, and despite our marriage not working, I wouldn’t just give up on him.
“Oh, Parker.” I brought him in for a hug. It wasn’t a quick embrace; it was long, full of all the emotions that we had battled with for years. I felt all his fears, hesitations, and struggles, and it damn near broke me. “It’s going to be okay. Life has a funny way of working itself out.”
“How can you forgive me?” He wiped his tears on his shirt. “I cheated on you because I was too weak to put in the effort that our marriage needed to survive. You did everything for me, and I let that all go because I thought something shiny and new wouldn’t make the demons I face every day as real. That maybe someone else wouldn’t notice. I was an asshole husband, and you still find it in you to comfort me like I didn’t do anything wrong.”
I thought about the spot I was in a few weeks ago, drowning myself in ice cream and tears. I hadn’t forgiven him then, I never thought I could. I was angry that he threw away our dreams for someone else, but it all made sense now. People grow apart. Even epic first love like Parker and I had.
“I knew we were meant to be from the first moment I saw you in that
diner. I made the mistake of assuming that meant forever. That we’d grow old together, raise kids, and sit on our porch sipping coffee chatting about the good old days. That we’d look forward to our grandkids coming over for sleepovers, and I’d bake cookies, and we’d give them too much sugar then send them home. But forever isn’t always in the cards. I know that these past years were meant to be. We were meant to cross paths and guide each other to this point. I’ve learned so much from you, Parker. What I gained from you, how to live in high school when all I was obsessed with was my GPA and books, how to kiss, how to make love... those are the things that will stick with me forever. Those are the parts that I’ll always cherish.” I took a breath. “So, forgiving you is a small price to pay to know that the lessons you taught me will be with me forever. I wish you all the best in your life, and I will be here for you—always. We have something many people can’t say they have, first love.”
“Jesus, and you struggled with writing in high school?” Parker laughed. “You’re amazing, Rainey. Some guy will be lucky to have you someday. I hope he’s everything I wasn’t.”
“And I hope she’s everything I’m not,” I whispered.
Silence hung in the air. Promises that weren’t kept. Love that was lost.
“Where do we go from here?” Parker asked as he stood.
“We live.”
Chapter Thirteen
After the conversation with Parker, I felt free. Lighter, happier. We talked until the sun came up and then went into our separate bedrooms. There was no more animosity between us, or hate, which made it a bit easier. Hate could weigh you down, and I hadn’t realized how angry and hate-filled I had been until I let some of it go.
My cell phone buzzed, and I realized I hadn’t checked it since yesterday when Parker and I had our heart-to-heart.
It was Ava. I answered the phone and prepared myself for an earful.
“Bitch, listen here, I’ve been texting you since last night. You better have screwed Levi and been passionately in his embrace all night long; otherwise, I’m mad at you and will never forgive you for not answering my messages.”
I laughed. “No, I was with Parker. He flew in yesterday.” I listened to her drop something in the background.
“You didn’t? Please tell me you didn’t get back together with him!” Her voice was low, the tone she reserved for scolding her children.
“No. We just talked, reminisced. It was good. I needed it. He needed it.”
“He needs a quick kick to the nuts for cheating on you. That’s what he needs,” Ava added. “But I’m glad you talked it out. I’m sure it’s easier to be friends and part ways on good terms than hate each other’s guts. Although it would have been great for him to come home to all his shit out on the front lawn.”
I rolled my eyes. Ava and her dramatics. “While I’m not sure if that would have been the most mature reaction, I can see how it would have been therapeutic.” I giggled.
“So, Levi. What happened? Did you kiss? Did you bone? Please give me something juicy. I need to live vicariously through you. I have to schedule sex with Beckett like it’s my annual pap smear. Give me details, woman!”
“No details to give. He saved me from another depression-induced romance movie and Ben and Jerry’s session. We went to the beach. No funny business. I’m not ready for any of that.”
“Boring,” Ava said with a fake snore. “Did he at least try? He so wants you, doesn’t he?” I could hear the smile in her voice.
“I told him I couldn’t kiss him.”
“Why the hell not?” she screeched.
“I’m trying not to jump from one relationship to another. Shouldn’t I take time to be alone? To figure out where I go from here?” It was a rhetorical question. Were there rules on how soon after you decided to divorce your husband that you moved on? There had to be a rule book or something.
“You are falling into your old ways. Not everything has rules and needs a life plan. Let things happen as they should. Don’t deny yourself a fun time because you feel like you must follow some rules that don’t exist. You aren’t cheating.”
“I know that,” I countered.
“Then what are you afraid of?”
Everything? Opening myself up to someone, even if just for a friendship that could hurt me. When you suffer from depression, so much is a potential to exacerbate the outbursts. With Parker, it was easier to stay home and veg because of our lifestyle, but now, if I had any hope of living again, I had to get out there, and it was terrifying and exciting all at the same time.
I glanced up as Parker appeared in the doorway, dressed and ready to head to the hospital to see Emily.
“All right, Ava, I got to go. Time to go see Emily. I won’t ever ignore your messages again. I’m sorry, and I love you.”
“Apology accepted. Love you, and tell Parker I said to drop dead.” The phone went silent.
“Ava says hi,” I said to Parker as I shoved my phone in my purse and headed toward the door.
He let out a small laugh. “Sure, she did.”
“You ready?” I held the door open. “She’s not doing well.”
“I’m as ready as I’ll ever be. Sometimes it’s best to just go for it and not think about it too much.”
I nodded and locked the door behind us. I knew his words were meant regarding Emily, but they made sense to me on other levels too. I was an overthinker, and sometimes you just had to let go.
***
I’d never seen Parker so on edge. His jaw clenched as he listened to Emily and the therapist speak. I sat and listened, their childhood the topic of conversation and how much it had impacted Emily. Parker had shared most of his past with me, it was inevitable with how long we’d been together, but hearing it from Emily’s mouth, watching the tears stream down her face as she spoke of the abuse, losing herself in mindless sex, giving up a child for adoption... it hurt my heart.
“Do you regret giving up your child for adoption?” Marcie, the therapist, probed. It was a difficult topic that never got mentioned around Emily. I watched Emily’s shoulders tense, and I wanted to scream at Marcie. What a stupid question.
“Of course, it impacted her,” Parker said, leaning forward. “I don’t understand how dredging up all of this past shit is going to help. Let’s focus on getting Emily clean. A fresh start. That’s what she needs, not sitting here and bringing up a past that we can’t change. We had a screwed-up childhood. Big deal!” His jaw clenched, as did his fist as he leaned back into the chair. I reached out and squeezed his knee, trying to offer him some semblance of comfort. With a swift shift of his leg, he brushed me away.
Why the hell am I here?
“Our childhoods shape who we are. Whether we want to remember or not, they are all very much a part of us. Emily’s addiction and her promiscuous tendencies all can be linked to her childhood.” Marcie placed down her pen. Parker was a tough sell on anything to do with mental health. He did the bare minimum that the army required. He believed that drinking water, working out, and eating healthy could cure just about anything. So this was extremely out of his element.
“Bullshit.” He shook his head. “I can’t do this.” He stood up, jarring the table with his leg.
“You never could. That’s why you left. Run away, big brother. Run away from the shitty life we had. Pretend it never happened. Run away from your marriage. That’s what you do. I don’t run.”
“No, you fucking shoot up and spread your legs.” Parker’s voice was low, the vibration shaking me to my core. His anger was showing, the same anger that had made me keep my mouth shut for so many years. Emily didn’t play that game, though. She never cowered from him. Ever.
“Now, settle down. We don’t place blam—” Marcie tried to bring order back to her session.
“Classic Parker. Points at all that is wrong with his baby sister, but won’t look at himself. Look at this woman.” She pointed to me. “She’s beautiful. She worshipped the ground you walked on so much it
made me sick, and you cheated on her. Seems like I’m not the only one with fucking problems.” She laughed and crossed her legs.
And it just got even more awkward. Why was I being brought into this? I felt like I was at a tennis match watching these two go at it, and now they threw me in to make an already shitty situation worse. Parker paced the office, making it seem even smaller with his large frame.
“Rainey, you’ve been awfully quiet over there.” Marcie gave me a small smile.
“I feel like I shouldn’t be here,” I stated. “This is family business, and I’m—”
“Not family anymore.” Parker’s eyes bore into me. He was like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. One moment he was having a heart-to-heart with me over old letters, and the next he was slicing me with his words. I’d been sliced enough to last a lifetime. I was surprised I didn’t bleed out.
“Exactly.” I squared my shoulders, trying to sound stronger than I felt, and bit back the tears.
“See!” Emily flung up her hands. “He’s pushing away one of the only other people who believes in me, who has stuck by me through all of this, because he’s damaged too. At least I admit I have a problem.”
“This isn’t about me!” Parker leaned up against the wall, crossing his arms over his chest.
“No. It’s about all of you. How Emily’s addiction, and all that’s happened, has changed each of you and directly impacted your lives. Addiction doesn’t just touch the user, it impacts the entire family.” Marcie tapped her pen against the yellow notebook that she had been writing in the entire session. I fought the urge to scoot closer to read what she was writing. How fucked-up were we? “Emily, tell Parker what he means to you. Tell him what you told me.”
Emily shifted in her chair and looked over at me. I gave her a reassuring nod. Sometimes just laying it all out there was the best way with Parker. He understood direct best. I tended to be more passive-aggressive, which didn’t work well.
