“Maggie, why are you crying? Did I do something wrong?” I didn’t even know that tiny tears were running down my cheeks.
“I can’t. I just can’t. Don’t you see, my heart doesn’t belong to me so how could I ever share it with you? Vincent Moreno will forever hold that part of me. That part that’s capable of loving someone else.”
I leave Asher sitting on his board as I make my way back to the beach. I fall to the sand wishing I could take it all back. My body wanted him but my heart refused.
Chapter Ten
We drive back to his house in silence. I can’t even look at him. I’m so afraid that I will see the hurt in his eyes. The hurt I caused. I know I’ve been up front with him about not wanting any type of relationship but out on the water it felt like I was giving him permission. Permission to cross the boundary lines I had drawn. I really hope I didn’t just ruin our friendship by being so careless.
Once we pull into the drive, the only words spoken are about unloading the jeep and taking showers to get cleaned up. I head to my room more confused than ever. Why did I think I was ready to move past Vincent? Oh, that’s right. Because it’s been over a year Maggie. What is wrong with me? But deep down I know that he still holds my heart. Maybe I need closure. Maybe not speaking to him or seeing him all this time has made it more difficult to let go. With my body in shambles emotionally and physically, I decide to go to bed after my shower. I don’t have an appetite and quite frankly, I don’t want to face Asher again tonight.
I slam my fist down onto the seat of the car, no longer caring that shards of glass are cutting their way deep into my skin. I watch as the blood slowly drips down my arm falling onto my pant leg. I take a deep breath before looking over to my father. My lifeless father who I loved more than anything on this earth. Just once¸ I wish I could look over and see his smiling face instead of the stillness of death. It’s my dream so why can’t I change the outcome. I’ve been able to somehow morph my body from childhood into adulthood. Why can’t I bring him back to life? Frustration overtakes my senses, bringing anger to the forefront. That’s when I look up and into his eyes. I scream as loud as I can. “What do you want from me?”
I wake up suddenly, heart racing rapidly, sweat dripping down the back of my neck. I’m breathing in short bursts of air trying to regain some sort of composure. The anger I felt in my dream does not dissipate just because I woke up. I look over at the clock but have to rub my eyes to make sure I’m seeing the time correctly. It’s just after 9 in the morning. I can’t believe I slept that long. I think I passed out just after 8 pm. I guess Asher didn’t want to go surfing today. I don’t remember hearing a knock on my door earlier.
I slowly climb out of bed and decide to face the consequences of being so insensitive. I tap lightly on the door to Asher’s room that’s connected to the bathroom. I don’t get a response, so I knock again. And again. Finally, taking a deep breath, I twist the doorknob. His room is empty, the bed made up and no sign of Asher. I decide to throw on a swimsuit and cover-up after getting cleaned up a little, then head out to the kitchen. It’s empty too. There is a note on the counter telling Asher that his mom and dad went out to run some errands. I search the entire house before ending up in the garage. The jeep is gone. Asher left without me and could be gone all day. Great. Just great.
The beach is right across the street so I grab a towel and head over after getting something quick to eat for breakfast. The weather isn’t too muggy, allowing me to sit on the sand without a need to get in the water. It’s so peaceful here. I stare out into the ocean, just hoping to find the answers to my life. For the first time in several weeks, I think about my mother.
I can recall every single time she put her hands on my body. Crushing it with her fists. Pounding my flesh until it turned black and blue. Just the tone of her voice could put me on edge. The shrill yells that came out of her mouth would send shivers down my spine every time. It still makes my skin crawl to remember the way she spoke to me. Her only daughter. Her letters continue to come. I lost count after the fifth one, refusing to open anymore. I just keep shoving them in my dresser drawer, trying to hide the past. Deep in my soul, I pray to God that she gets help. I never wanted any harm to come to her. Despite everything I went through with that woman, I loved her. I still love her. I’m working really hard on forgiving her completely. And forgetting. I think that’s the hardest part. My memories are flooded with hatred instead of love. Her letters are a constant reminder of the hell she put me through, which isn’t making forgiving her any easier. She just isn’t capable of displaying any sort of kindness, let alone love.
Thoughts of my mother always bring me back to Vincent. He gave me the strength to stand up for myself. I think it was always there, lying in the shadows, waiting to burst through me. But he made me see the possibility of breaking free before I thought it was possible. He helped me see my worth because his affection had value. How do I ever get over someone who played such an important role in my life?
Now I’m right back where I started. Asher. What am I going to do? How do we stay friends with the awkwardness that will surely be between us? I start running my hands through the sand, making patterns of nothing at all, lost in thought. When I hear a voice come from behind me, I jump while letting out a small scream.
“I didn’t mean to scare you. When I couldn’t find you at the house, I figured you would be here. Do you mind if I sit down?”
“Not at all.” I look up at his flawless body shimmering from the sun bouncing off his skin but I can’t see his eyes. Once he sits down I look back out to the water.
“Maggie, I owe you an apology.”
“No Asher, I owe you one.”
“Just let me finish before you say anything else. Ok?”
“Ok.”
“I am so sorry for kissing you yesterday. I’m not going to lie now because it would do no good. I wanted you to come here to see all of me. To see who I really am when I’m in my element. I have never wanted a girl as badly as I want you. I let that get in the way of reason. You have told me over and over that you aren’t ready to date. You have never led me on, so I only have myself to blame. Yesterday when we were on the water, you looked absolutely breathtaking and I couldn’t take my eyes off of you. Somehow you managed to steal the focus away from the waves, something I never thought any girl would be able to accomplish. I’ve never been in love, Maggie. So I don’t really understand it. I get it in theory but not in reality. I would give anything to have even an ounce of what you shared with Vincent. What you still share with him. I can hope that one day your heart will be returned to you and you will be able to share it with someone new. But if that day never comes, I’m alright with being friends. So, I’m sorry for being a jerk and taking off this morning without talking to you. I just needed to clear my head.”
Several minutes pass as I absorb every word that just passed through his lips. Soft, tender lips that just a few hours ago, were kissing me. Could we stay friends? Especially now knowing how he really sees me?
“Asher, I can’t hurt you that way. If you have feelings for me, I don’t think we should be around each other. I’m not capable of returning anything more than friendship.”
“I’m not asking for more. I am moving forward fully aware of our situation. I can put this behind us. The question is, can you?”
“I really want to. I actually like being your friend.” My lips start to turn up slightly, wanting so badly to forget that yesterday ever happened. That’s not true either. This trip has been amazing. Asher has been amazing. Someday he is going to make a girl very, very happy.
We spend the rest of the day hanging out in the game room. My body is so sore from all the surfing that I can barely lift my arms. That, coupled with the fact that the last time we were on the water we shared a very intimate moment, we both opted for movies. We have a nice dinner out with his parents which goes much better than the first night. His father even tells a few jokes while reminiscing about his
college days. Surprisingly, I find his stories fascinating. It’s incredible to hear what Ann Arbor was like over 30 years ago.
After returning to the house for our final night, I decide to take a walk on the beach one last time. I have so much to think about. I need to decide if and when I would ask for my heart back. I didn’t notice the late hour until I walk in the front door to a very dark house. On the way back to my room, I notice the kitchen light is still on. I walk over to turn the switch off when I notice his father standing against the kitchen sink.
“Sorry, I hope I didn’t startle you. I couldn’t sleep.” Asher’s father says after taking a drink out of his Michigan University mug.
“Oh. That’s okay. I was just going to turn the light off before heading to bed.”
“I’m not as terrible as you think.”
“Excuse me?”
“I saw the way you looked at me at the airport. I’m sure Asher has told you numerous stories about how hard I am on him. But I do it for his own good. Asher has a tendency to be a lost soul. If I didn’t give him direction, God only knows where he would end up. It’s not easy being a parent. All you want is the best for your children. I want Asher to have a good education. Is that so bad?”
“No. But I don’t think you know him at all. Because if you did you would see he isn’t lost at all. When he is on the water, riding a wave, he knows exactly who he is and where he belongs. I admire that more than anything. Could he get a degree in marketing and be a successful man? Sure. But would he be happy? Only he knows the answer to that. Goodnight Mr. Evans.”
Sunday morning comes so fast. I was antsy all night wondering if I should have spoken my mind or just agreed with what his dad was saying. I certainly didn’t want to wear out my welcome and never be asked to return. I’m nervous about facing his father this morning but when I see him, he acts as if nothing transpired between us the night before. Man, this family is good with pretending things never happened. Both of his parents drive us to the airport late Sunday afternoon. His mother gives me a gentle hug goodbye before kissing Asher on both cheeks and squeezing him tightly. His father leans over to give him a half hug and a pat on the back. I get a solid nod of the head accompanied by a warm smile.
The flight is long but still exhilarating. Asher gave me the window seat again allowing me to admire the spectacular views one more time. The sun has just gone down as we approach Detroit. My wish comes true, I get to see a city lit up with millions of illuminations sparkling like stars on the ground.
“Thank you so much for inviting me and giving me an experience of a lifetime.”
“If that is what you consider an experience of a lifetime, we’re going to have to get you out more, Maggie.” I can’t help but laugh. With a single sentence he is able to restore our light-hearted friendship, leaving all the angst of our kiss in Florida.
Heather picks us up from the airport but she’s in a cranky mood. She blames it on being stuck with her family for the past four days but it seems like there is more going on with her. I let it slide not wanting to provoke her while trapped in a tiny space. We drop Asher off at the dorm a little after 10 pm and I can’t take the silence any longer.
“Ok. Spill. What’s really bothering you?”
“I never heard from Derek over break. I’ve been screwing the guy’s brains out for months now, you would think he would have the decency to leave a voice-mail or send a text. I mean really.”
This goes on the rest of the drive home and another hour after that. I finally have to cut her off because my eyes are no longer staying open on their own. I feel bad for her. I really do. I can see this guy is all wrong for her and I haven’t even met him yet. Any man that doesn’t want to be seen with you, is a man that isn’t worth your time. I really hope she sees that sooner rather than later.
Chapter Eleven
The next couple of weeks are like a blur. Asher and I have spent all of our free time studying for finals before the big winter break. Quite honestly, I don’t know what I would do without him. His index cards and study habits have helped me tremendously. He still amazes me. His ability to get past what happened in Florida while remaining my friend tests the true boundaries of our relationship. Every once in a while, I do catch him glancing in my direction just a little longer than necessary, but I have decided to brush if off. He hasn’t made another move toward me that would suggest he wants something more intimate between us.
Heather and her boyfriend Derek made up like a week after Thanksgiving. He told her some line about being called away for work and not even being able to celebrate the holiday. She bought it, hook line and sinker. She’s got it bad. I hope it doesn’t end in a big, ugly mess because I will be the one picking up the pieces.
It’s Friday, right before we all head our separate ways for Christmas break. I think this is the longest I have gone without seeing my Grandpa. I miss him like crazy. Asher and I have our last exam with Professor Andrews. I have a strong B in the class but hope I can pull it up to an A with the final. I have never studied harder for a test in my life. My leg will not stop bouncing up and down nervously while I watch the clock, anticipating the questions to come.
“Maggie, take a deep breath. You are going to do great.”
“Easy for you to say, brainiac. I think you could pass this final in your sleep.” He gives me a small chuckle.
“I highly doubt that. What are you doing after class?”
“Nothing. I just have to pack but I’m not leaving until tomorrow morning.”
“Mind if I come over tonight? Maybe grab a pizza and a movie? It’s going to be at least 3 weeks before we see each other again.”
“I don’t mind at all. Especially when you bribe me with food.” Heather has been spending most of her time at Derek’s house. She claims he is an invaluable study partner since he has already been working in the engineering field for so many years. So I haven’t had a home cooked meal in several days and I’m not expecting her home again tonight. I am sure she wants to spend every last minute with him before she heads back to Indianapolis.
Before Asher can respond, Professor Andrews walks in the room exuding authority. Everyone immediately turns around, facing the front of the room, waiting for the final to be passed around. I don’t know what happens during the next hour, it’s like I blacked out. I think I answered every question but I can’t be sure. Ultimately, I think I did well but I won’t know until grades are posted in about a week. Asher finished before me, of course, but gave me a little smirk as he passed by. I didn’t even look up to see the satisfaction in his eyes because he completed the exam before me. I can give him credit where credit is due. At least he sucks at something, the night we went out and shot pool I saw a glimpse of inadequacy that I haven’t seen since.
As soon as I get back to my apartment, I call Amanda. We are trying to finalize our plans over break.
“Maggie! I am so excited that we get to spend the next couple of weeks together!”
“Umm…Hello to you too. Calm down woman, you would think we haven’t seen each other in years.”
“It feels that way sometimes. I just miss you.”
“I miss you too. How did finals go?”
“Let’s not talk about school. I don’t want to think about anything related to my education until I have to come back next semester. I do have some exciting news. Are you ready?”
“Uh oh. Ready for what?” This could be anything. I never know when it comes to Amanda. Lately, I feel like she has been coming up with more and more hair brained ideas. She actually wanted to skip Christmas all together this year and go to the Bahamas. I had to talk her out of that because I really want to see my Grandpa. I’m looking forward to just lounging around over break. Besides, how awkward to be stuck on a beach with her and Tommy. No thank you.
“You get to come to my house for New Years. I know what you are thinking but Vince isn’t going to be in town. And my parents are leaving the day after Christmas to visit my Aunt and Uncle in Kentuck
y and won’t be back until after New Year’s.”
She is practically screaming in my ear by the time she gets the last sentence out. I’m a little taken back and don’t know what to say. There is silence and I have no idea how long it lasts.
“Maggie, are you okay?”
“I’m fine. I just haven’t thought about going back there in so long.” The truth is, all I can think about is why Vince isn’t going to be home. But I can’t break my own rule by asking Amanda. I know she would tell me but it isn’t fair of me to ask.
“I know but you could sound a little more excited. I mean, it’s been forever since you’ve been to my house. I miss having you there. I mean, we practically grew up together.”
“Oh Amanda. I’m so sorry. You’re right. I need to snap out of it and stop being so selfish. That really is great news that I can come stay with you for a few days. I miss hanging out at your house too. I really do. And maybe this means I can see Martina too.”
“That’s the spirit. Look at the positives.”
We talk for another hour deciding when she will be at my Grandpa’s with me and when I will drive to Milford to stay with her. We make some plans to shop, see movies and catch up. She did warn me that Tommy will be around some of the time and that I needed to get over it. I haven’t seen him since the break-up. That’s going to be awkward. But for some reason, I’m not the least bit concerned about seeing Martina. I want to see her. I have missed her so much. I didn’t realize how much until this very moment when all I can think about is her warm arms wrapped around me, welcoming me home.
That thought starts to get clouded with all the reasons Vince won’t be there. Has he really moved on and met someone? Maybe he is spending the holiday with her family. My stomach starts to twist into knots, my anxiety level rising until I can’t help it. Tears start to pour out of my eyes without permission. Why does it still hurt this much? Why can’t I move forward with my life? Just the mere thought of him spending time with some other girl and her family has me wrecked. I decide to give into my sadness completely. Big ugly sobs start to come out of my mouth. Maybe if I get out all the heartache I can finally accept that I will never be with him again.
Sublime Resistance Page 8
