Three hours later and my body is still trembling from all the crying. I take a shower to try and wash away the evidence but it does little to conceal what I have been doing. I put make-up on to cover the red splotches and leave my hair down in hopes of hiding my now swollen face. Asher shows up right on time. When I open the door, I know my attempts have failed miserably.
“Maggie, what’s wrong?” How could I possibly think I could get anything past him? He is so damn observant and has gotten to know me so well in the last couple of months.
“Nothing. Really, I’m fine.” He walks into the kitchen putting the pizza on the counter before dragging me over to the couch in the living room.
“You know you can talk to me about anything. I’m here for you. Please tell me what’s wrong.”
“I don’t think I should. I…I don’t know. It’s about Vincent.” I hear a sharp intake of breath while I wait for his response. I am a horrible, horrible person. I should not be bringing him up to Asher of all people.
“Maggie, please tell me what happened. I can handle it. I promise. I want to help if I can.”
“I don’t think anyone can help me. It’s really stupid and now that I’m about to say it out loud I realize how ridiculous I’m being. I talked to Amanda earlier and she said that Vince is going to be out of town for New Year’s and I could finally come home for a visit. I do want to stay with Amanda and even see Martina, Vincent’s mother, but it got me thinking about why he isn’t going to be around. I think he’s met someone else.”
“Ahhh…I understand now. I’m so sorry Maggie. I’m sure that has to be painful knowing he has moved on before you had the chance.”
“I don’t know if he has because I never ask about him and no one is allowed to mention his name to me unless there’s some kind of emergency or something.”
“Just ask Amanda why he isn’t going to be around. There is no point getting so worked up for no reason.”
“I can’t. I set the guidelines when I left, I can’t change them just because I have some sick need to know what he is doing. I have to move beyond Vincent Moreno. I think it just finally sunk in. So I let it all out by crying for the past three hours. But I don’t think it worked because I still feel miserable.”
“Then let’s stuff our faces until we can’t move and watch our movie to get your mind off things. Sound good?”
“That sounds great actually. Thank you. You are such a great friend to me when I really don’t deserve it.”
“Who says you don’t deserve it? Maggie, without you I would feel completely lost on this campus. You are one of the only people that really gets me. You understand my desire to be on the water instead of stuck in a classroom. Your encouragement forces me to focus on school so I don’t end up wasting my time completely. So don’t sell yourself short, you’re pretty awesome too.”
That kid always knows just what to say to make me feel better. Although kid isn’t the right word for him at all. But after our kiss in Florida, I decided it was best not to think of him as the hunky piece of man that he truly is. It’s better for both of us if I steer clear of any and all thoughts related to his ripped body, tan skin and soft lips. Dammit. Stop it Maggie.
After wolfing down a large pizza, a pint of ice cream each, and enough soda for five people, we settle in to watch our movie. He brought over some action flick that I had been wanting to see. Another reason he likes me so much, I am the first girl he has met that likes those type of movies. Two hours later I still feel bloated.
“I think I ate too much food. Why did you make me eat all of that ice cream?”
“Don’t blame me. You probably could have finished mine off too if I would’ve let you.”
“True. I will have to remember not to eat my feelings or else I could lose my girlish figure.”
“Hey, I was thinking about your trip back to Milford. What if I joined you? Would that be too weird?”
“No. I actually think that’s a brilliant idea. Amanda’s parents will be out of town, so you could sleep in their room. But aren’t you going to Florida?”
“I am for Christmas but I could fly back for New Year’s and then drive back to campus with you.”
“Are you sure you want to come?”
“Are you kidding me? And miss the opportunity to meet the infamous Amanda?”
“Ok. If you want to I would be more than happy to show you around the tiny town I grew up in. Just remember, it looks nothing like Florida. There aren’t palm trees on every corner or water for you to surf on.”
“That’s ok. I will get my fix while I’m home for Christmas.”
We spend another hour working out all the details. Dayton, Ohio isn’t far from where my Grandfather lives, so I can leave his house, pick Asher up from the airport and we can drive to Milford together. Maybe having someone from my new life collide with my past will be good for me.
The next morning, Heather finally makes it home. I thought I was going to miss her altogether before I had to get on the road.
“Hey. Sorry I haven’t been around much. Things are getting pretty serious with Derek. When are you leaving?”
“Soon. I want to get on the road in the next 30 minutes but I wanted to talk to you. I found out that Vince isn’t going to be around for New Year’s so I was thinking you could come celebrate with Amanda and me. Asher is going to fly back early and hang out with us too. Indianapolis isn’t that far from Milford. You could drive over and spend a couple of days with us.”
“That sounds like fun. I would rather spend my New Year with you guys anyway. My sister is about to turn 16 and all she does is walk around the house whining about wanting to be with her friends. But I think I heard you wrong, because I could have sworn you said Asher was going?”
“You heard me right. Why?”
“I don’t know if that’s such a good idea. I mean the last time you two traveled together, things got pretty heated. I just don’t want you to regret inviting him.”
“Well, actually he asked if he could go. You don’t really think he still wants to pursue something? I was pretty clear with him in Florida.”
“I don’t know Maggie. I would just hate to see things in badly between the two of you.”
“I understand but I really think he has moved past any hope of the two of us being romantically involved. At least I hope he has.”
Damn Heather for making me think about Asher in any other way than friendship. The entire drive down to my Grandfather’s, I can’t help but wonder if he will initiate something during our visit to my hometown. I also can’t stop wondering if I would stop him this time.
Chapter Twelve
My Grandpa is waiting patiently for me to arrive. I can see him sitting at the kitchen table as I pull into the long driveway. The minute I put the car in park, he’s coming out the front door to greet me.
“Hi Grandpa.” I rush over to him, wrapping my arms around his waist, embracing his love with that simple gesture.
“Hi Maggie. It’s so good to see you. It looks like college life is treating you well.”
“It is. I can’t believe it’s already been a year and a half. It seems like I just left yesterday.”
“Let’s get you inside so you can unpack.”
I try to carry as much in as possible. My Grandpa would never want me to think he wasn’t capable of carrying a suitcase or two into the house but I also know he isn’t getting any younger. After getting settled in my room, I head down to the den to join him for the evening news.
“So, when will Amanda be coming over?” He knows me so well.
“She is going to spend a couple of days at home, drive here and stay the next five days, then go back for Christmas. Then I’m actually going to be spending New Year’s at her house. My friends Heather and Asher are going to join us then I will drive back to campus from there.”
“Oh. So you finally decided to return to Milford. Have you thought about what you might do if you see your mother?”
“Hones
tly, I hadn’t give her much thought. She might not even live there anymore.” That’s a lie. I know exactly where she is based on the return address from the letters she has been sending me. But I don’t want to get him involved. It’s better if he doesn’t know the hell she continues to put me through. I haven’t told a single person about the letters, and I don’t intend to either.
“That’s true. But you should still think about how you might handle that situation, should it arise. I don’t want you getting hurt again.”
“I know Grandpa. I will think about it.”
I got in kind of late, so after the news is over I decide to hit the sack. Walking into my room brings back every memory of my dad. I walk over to the dresser, running my fingers over the police badge that is encased in glass. The department retired his number and badge when he died. My Grandmother had this case made to house the memory of what a good man he really was. He used to take me with him to the station sometimes. He would lift me up onto the counter, announcing to anyone within ear shot, what a wonderfully talented little girl he had. He loved me unconditionally.
After unpacking what I will need for the next week, I head into the bathroom across the hall to get ready for bed. As I’m standing at the sink brushing my teeth, I start to examine my features more closely. I can see very small parts of my mother in my cheek bones and maybe even a little in my eyes. The green flecks definitely came from her. I take after my Grandmother and father more than anyone. I have her dainty nose and thin lips. My bottom one is a little fuller than my top. My eyes have a soft, almond shape which I get from my dad. I am so glad that I am not reminded of that awful woman every time I glance in the mirror.
Then it hits me all at once. A memory of my mother screaming in my face followed by her abusive behavior. I haven’t really had many flashbacks or nightmares about the abuse I suffered at her hands. But when I do, I freeze up. Unable to move a muscle as I relive the experience.
I was probably about 11 years old the first time she really flipped out on me. She had just buried her father and we were coming back from meeting with the lawyer. Her parents didn’t have much, so what little money that was left in the estate had to be used to pay for funeral expenses. She was livid. When we walked through the front door, I wanted to offer her some sort of comfort. I remember touching her shoulder gently, telling her everything would be alright. That was a huge mistake.
She turned around so fast with anger written all over her face, only now it wasn’t directed at the lawyer, it was coming for me. She reared her hand back as far as she could before slapping my face. She hit me so hard that I stumbled backward a few steps before falling to the ground. I looked up at her with utter disbelief. She had spanked me before but never hit me in the face.
“You spoiled little brat. What do you know about anything! I just lost both my parents, the only people who loved me, and I didn’t get a dime out of it. Don’t you ever tell me everything is going to be alright again.”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean anything by it. I love you, Mom.”
“Just shut the hell up Maggie. You don’t have the kind of love I’m looking for. You just don’t understand.”
I had forgotten that she said that to me. I didn’t understand it then and I don’t understand it now. What kind of love did she want? For whatever reason, she refused the love I offered. The love that I wanted to give her freely and without conditions. I just wanted to be loved by my mother. That isn’t too much to ask for, is it?
I snap back to reality looking in the mirror one more time before I go to bed. How the hell am I supposed to go to sleep now? I can’t allow that image, her image, to be the last thing I think about before falling asleep. I go down my list of topics. First I start with school. I try thinking about what next semester will be like, wondering how many classes I will have with Asher. That isn’t really working so I start thinking about surfing and going to Florida again. We had talked about a summer trip for a week or two next year. Asher thinks I would be a pro by the end of the trip. I’m starting to relax into the mattress a little but the image of her is still burned into my brain.
So I go to the only place that seems to work when I have one of my flashbacks. The creek with Vince. I turn on my side, inhale a deep breath and picture the two of us standing side by side. The water is frozen over, snow covers every visible tree branch and I can see tiny rainbows dancing off the snow covered ground. It’s funny that the time of year I thought would be the most vacant ended up being my favorite. I slowly start to drift off to sleep, picturing Vincent smiling over at me.
I wake up the next day ready for a fresh start. No more thoughts of my mother crossing my mind. I will push it all away until I’m forced to deal with it again. I head down the hall, after my shower, to check on my Grandpa.
“Morning Grandpa. What would you like to do today?”
“I don’t know. You are the one who hasn’t been here in a while, why don’t you decide.”
“Well, the weather actually isn’t too bad so I thought maybe we could go to the cemetery. Maybe stop and get a poinsettia or something.”
“I think that’s a great idea. We haven’t had much snow yet this winter so I imagine the roads are pretty clear. After we finish, we can get some lunch.”
The cemetery is about a 30 minute drive from his house. My great grandparents are buried there along with my grandmother and my father. My Grandpa told me once that he has the spot right next to Grandma. That everything is paid for. I guess with it just being the two of us, he thought I should know that information.
We stopped at a local flower shop to pick up two plants. I ended up driving since my car was blocking his car and because of the distance. I’ve noticed that he is trying to take things easy by staying off the highways and no longer driving at night. I’m glad that he can see his own limitations. We walk up to the headstones of our loved ones together. Our strides flowing in unison up the tiny hill until we reach the top, just under the cherry tree.
The temperature really isn’t bad considering its December. The forecast said it would get up to the 40’s today. After placing the poinsettia on my Grandmother’s grave, my Grandpa leans against the old cherry tree looking out over the vacant hills and brown grass. I decide to take a seat right in front of my father’s headstone. The ground is cold but not yet frozen. I place my plant next to his name. Robert Wilson beloved Father and Son. We stay like this for several minutes. Just existing in their lost presence.
“Grandpa, can I ask you something?”
“Sure Maggie.”
“Do you believe in God? Or heaven? Did Dad believe in any of that?”
“Sure. I mean, I don’t know what heaven looks like or what it is really going to be like but your Dad believed in God. We might not have gone to church on a regular basis but we tried to teach him what we knew of the bible. Why do you ask?”
“Because I think God saved me the day of the accident. I think he had greater plans for my life and I just wonder if I’m living up to them. I also dream of the day when I can see Daddy again. I guess believing in Heaven gives me hope.”
“There is nothing wrong with hope. I miss him too. Both of them. Your Grandmother was the love of my life. And you, Maggie, were the love of your father’s life. He was over the moon about you. I’m sure he’s been watching over you all these years.”
We don’t say anything else until it’s time to leave. We head back down the hill toward the car. After revving the engine a couple of times, the heater slowly begins to blow out warm air. We decide to head to our favorite restaurant for lunch. We talk the entire time about school. My Grandpa is thrilled that I’m doing so well. He has always been intrigued by the tiniest of details, so I fill him in on every minuscule fact I can think of. We also discuss my upcoming classes and what financial support I will need for the next semester.
The next couple of days go by pretty similarly. We run a few errands together, eat out for lunch and dinner and talk about his huge project he in
tends to work on over the remaining winter months. He has decided to organize and transfer all of his old photographs into digital form. He is one of the sharpest people I know. You would never guess his age if you went by his intellect. He stays up with everything modern. He can carry on a conversation about computers, smartphones, basically any device that has come out in the past five years. He reads the paper constantly so he is fully aware of what is hip at the moment.
He has dragged so many pictures up from the basement, you can’t even see his dining room table anymore. I have been completely and utterly enthralled. I’ve always loved hearing his stories about the Air Force and now I can put a picture to the event. We even found some pictures of my dad that I had never seen before. Baby pictures mostly. Maybe I have an old soul because I genuinely enjoy reminiscing with him.
Amanda finally shows up, parking her cute little silver Prius in the driveway next to my car. I can hardly contain my excitement. We haven’t seen each other since the end of summer. I run out the front door, practically knocking her over with my fierce hug. Tears sting my eyes as I try to fight them back. It just feels so damn good to see her. She’s my family.
“Hey girl! I missed you too! But if you don’t let go, you are going to squeeze the life out of me.” She says with a giggle that makes me laugh.
“Sorry. It’s just been so long and I can’t believe we get to spend the next five days together!”
“Let’s get inside before I freeze my ass off. I want to give your Grandpa the biggest hug. I missed him too.”
After grabbing her bags from the trunk of the car, we head inside. My Grandpa is waiting in the hall by the front door. Amanda greets him with one of her classic, all consuming hugs. It’s kind of funny to watch because he just squirms around in her arms, clearly uncomfortable with the blatant affection. It makes me smile because he endures it out of love. He accepts that we, meaning women in general, like to hug and express our feelings.
Sublime Resistance Page 9
