Not Through Loving You

by Patricia Preston

  “The first thing I have to do is find the cause. Sometimes, despite running a dozen tests, you don’t find a cause, and the baby never has another seizure,” he said. “Do you know if your sister ever had seizures? Or if seizures run in your family?”

  “No. Not that I know of. Do you think he inherited it?”

  “That’s something you always want to rule out if you can.”

  She nodded, knowing there was no way to obtain a paternal family history on John Aaron. “As far as I know, when Candace was a child, she was healthy and her parents, too.”

  “I’m waiting on the results of an EEG. That’s a test that measures brain waves for any abnormality. Plus, I ordered a CT scan, lab work, and blood cultures, and I did a spinal tap to rule out meningitis, which can cause seizures.”

  Meningitis. Although her knowledge of medicine and babies was limited, she knew meningitis was serious. She swallowed the lump in her throat. “I’m sure John Aaron is going to be fine because he has you.” A single tear wet her lashes. “I believe in you.”

  “Lia.” Aaron wrapped his arms around her and hugged her.

  He had strong arms, the kind meant to hold you up when the world around you was falling apart. For a moment, she hung on tight before she eased back and said, “I think John Aaron is the perfect name. Someday he’s going to be so proud of that name.”

  Aaron offered her a slight grin. “Even though it’s not a sexy name?”

  “He’s gonna grow up to be a very sexy guy.” She pressed Aaron’s hand to her lips. “Especially if he takes after his dad.”

  He bent and kissed her. “I have to stay here tonight. Just in case.”

  “I know.” She rubbed his arm. She expected nothing less from him.

  He dug his car keys out of his pocket and gave them to her. “There’s no point in sitting around here. Go home and get some rest. If I need you to come back, I’ll call you,” he said. “And I can get one of my friends to give me a ride home in the morning.”

  “Okay.” She took the keys and leaned into him for a goodnight kiss that was a little tender and a little desperate, but filled with affection.

  “Don’t worry,” he called as she got on the elevator. “I’ll take care of our baby.”

  At Aaron’s home, Lia parked his Range Rover beside the red Jaguar and headed inside the house. With everyone gone, the large house possessed a stillness that accentuated her solitude. She got a beer out of the refrigerator, retrieved her phone from her purse, and went into the family room. She sat in Frank’s recliner and looked at the new messages on her phone.

  The first one was from her personal assistant, Ashley Dean.

  Hi. I hope you’re having a great vacation! If there’s anything you need, let me know.

  The next one was from Chloe Morris, a guitarist and a good friend.

  I heard you and Dallas were in the Alaskan wilderness. If you are filming a reality show, I want all the details when you get home.

  Kelsey Spears sent a thank-you message.

  I just wanted to let you know I got the job at Vantage Studios and say thank you again. I owe you and Dallas everything. You two are awesome!

  Next was an invitation from songwriter Jeff Gamble and his girlfriend, Susan.

  Susan and I have been working on a new set. If you are in Nashville next weekend and want to meet us at the Bluebird, give us a shout. Tell Dallas I’m still waiting for him to learn how to sing. LOL!

  She had a message from a rising star in country music, Tyler Stokes.

  I called your PA, and she said you were on vacation. When you get back, I would like to meet with you again about a co-write. It would be a privilege to work with you and Dallas.

  The last message was from her father, who had sent his message to her and Dallas.

  Just wanted to check in. The European tour is going great. You two enjoy your time off. Starting next month, we’ll be busy until after Christmas with the new album release, and Gordon just added Reno to the tour schedule, so that makes twelve cities. He’s promising sellout crowds, so it looks like we’ll finish this year on top.

  She pressed her hand to her mouth as a sob escaped her lips. Suddenly, all of her sorrow, regret, guilt, and fear couldn’t be contained, and she gave way to it. She missed her mother and a sister she had hardly known. All that was left of them was a sick baby, one she had come to love. And no matter how positive Aaron tried to be, she knew the baby might not make it. What if she lost him? Her family would all be gone except for her father. She didn’t want to disappoint him, but how could she keep living a lie?

  She tapped her phone and called Gilda, who was the one person who always had her back. “I know why I drew the demise card,” she said as she dug a small pack of tissues out of her purse. She wiped her nose. “I feel like there’s an arrow in my chest.”

  “Lia, you’re having a come-apart,” Gilda replied. “You’ll be all right, and the baby is going to be all right. Those gypsy cards aren’t reliable. I know. I drew one of the fortune cards, the one representing abundant wealth, and the next thing I knew the university cut our pension.”

  Lia sniffled. “The nursery is going to be so pretty, and the house looks really nice now. I bought so many cute outfits for him.” Her chest heaved. “What if he never comes home?”

  “That is borrowing misery for no reason.”

  “I know. You’re right.” Lia tried to get her careening emotions under control, but the tears kept coming. “You should see Aaron and the baby together. You know, the first time I talked to Aaron about the baby, he said it was meant to be. I still remember that.”

  “It is meant to be. The doctor and the baby and you. Fate stepped in, and the three of you are entwined now. The thing about destiny is that it is so subtle, you hardly know it’s reaching out to you and guiding you down a new path.”

  Lia was totally unsure of her new path. “Dallas says he’s going to marry Madison.” She thought about the messages on her phone. Everyone mentioned Dallas. Everything in her life revolved around Dallas. “What will I be without him? Nothing? And what will Dad think? He sent me a message saying we’d finish this year on top, but I’m going to be on the bottom.” She let out another sob.

  “Lia,” Gilda sounded concerned. “I’ve never heard you carry on so. I can be there in a couple of hours.”

  “No. There’s no need for that.” Lia took a sip of beer. “I guess this is what you call a pity party or something. I’m drinking beer, and I don’t even like beer. And maybe the baby has meningitis. I don’t know.”

  She wiped her nose again. “And it’s Dallas this and Dallas that. I’m sick of Dallas. And Aaron doesn’t like the painting of the mustangs, and now I feel bad that he bought it if he doesn’t like it. I love it—”

  “Lia,” Gilda cut in. “I want you to empty your mind. Clear it of all thoughts about the baby, the doctor, Dallas. What will be will be. Now close your eyes and focus on each breath.”

  “Are we mediating?”

  “Breathe, Lia. Think of Mother Earth and the last place you visited her.”

  “The waterfall.”

  “Excellent. Go there in your mind. See its beauty. Feel its soothing power and hear the rush of the water,” Gilda said, and Lia did as she said. “Let yourself float in your happy place.”

  “I’ll try.” She closed her eyes.

  “We’re going to sing along with Santana’s ‘Black Magic Woman.’”

  “Huh?” Lia opened her eyes. “Have you got your bong out?”

  “They don’t make music like this anymore. Best drummer ever.” Gilda turned up the volume, and the guitar chords echoed in the room.

  “I feel like I’ve been to Woodstock,” Lia said as they finished singing their fifth vibrant Santana song, “Oye Como Va.”

  “You’re not all down and out now, are you?” Gilda responded. “Peace and love.”

  “What would I do without you?”

  “Why don’t I drive down next week for lunch?”
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br />   “I would love that.” Lia smiled. “I want you to see the house and the nursery. I’d love for you to see the baby, too, if everything’s all right by then.”

  “I’d love that, too,” Gilda said and then passed on a little more advice. “For now, get up and do something useful. Then if you have some rum and honey, make yourself a hot toddy and go to bed. Everything is always better in the morning.”

  Lia smiled. “Peace and love.”

  Get up and do something useful. The most useful thing she could do was start moving the baby things out of the dining room and into the nursery. After she shed her black dress, she washed off her streaked makeup, donned a T-shirt and shorts, and headed into the nursery to assess what should go where.

  In addition to the space in the chest of drawers, the armoire had shelves, hanging space, and drawers behind a set of doors, plus there were two lower drawers. She decided the armoire would be a good place to store the baby outfits and booties.

  Next she opened the closet door. The roomy closet would be a good place to store the large items that were still in boxes, like the baby bouncer, gym, and swing. Several toys also would need to be stored for a few months.

  Aaron had some things in the closet, including three winter coats: a heavy hooded parka, a fleece-lined suede coat, and a full-length black topcoat that she really liked. She smoothed her hand over the topcoat as she imagined him wearing it over a suit and tie. I love a sharp-dressed man. Beside the coats were two winter suits in zippered bags.

  On the top shelf were two rows of shoeboxes with two boxes to a stack, and in the corner of the closet were a set of golf clubs and a portable heater. Where could she move this stuff? She went upstairs to check out the spare room where Aaron had relocated his desk and computer. Checking out the closet, she was happy to see it only contained a couple of plastic bins.

  She moved the coats and suits upstairs. After that, she decided to move the shoes. On her tiptoes, she reached for the first stack. She eased the bottom box forward with her fingertips, hoping she could get both boxes down without shoes going everywhere. She almost had the bottom box when it tilted and the top box went flying past her shoulder. The box flopped open when it hit the floor, spilling the contents across the hardwood.

  She managed to hang on to the bottom box. She set it on the chest of drawers as she went to retrieve the stuff that had spilled out of the other shoebox. Stooping, she righted the shoebox and then stilled when she saw the photographs scattered on the floor.

  Her gaze locked on a wedding picture still in a decorative metal frame. Aaron and his bride. Lia sat down beside the box and picked up the picture. Dressed in a tuxedo, Aaron stood beside a young woman wearing a simple lace-covered bridal dress. A silky white rose adorned her tawny hair. She had large dark brown eyes and a pretty smile. They made an attractive couple.

  The next photograph Lia picked up was a snapshot taken at the wedding. It was one of the bride and Aaron’s father dancing. On the back of the photograph, someone had written “Molly and Frank.” She looked at the other wedding pictures. They were snapshots, not formal portraits. There was a group shot of Aaron with all his brothers and more of Aaron and Molly: cutting the wedding cake, dancing together, kissing each other. Unsettled, Lia reached for the shoebox.

  I shouldn’t look at these. They are none of my business, she told herself as she stacked them in the box. Except for the comments he had made earlier in the day, Aaron had never said anything about his wife or his marriage. Lia knew it had ended in divorce, and divorce was never easy.

  She gathered up what was left of the photographs. A couple were still in frames, as if they had been taken off a desk and shuttered away in the box. She froze when she glanced at one of them. Molly stood on the deck in an outfit that revealed her slightly curved midsection. “My god, she looks pregnant,” Lia remarked aloud.

  Aaron had never said anything about a child. Lia couldn’t imagine that child not being a huge part of his life. Maybe his wife had just gained some weight. She thumbed through the pictures until she found one that confirmed her theory. Molly definitely had a baby bump. Not full term by any means, and out of the few pictures left, Lia didn’t see one where Molly was in her last trimester.

  What had happened to Aaron’s child? Had Molly lost the baby? Lia thought about Baby John. For his sake, she needed to know why Aaron had never mentioned his own child. Why was that child not a part of his life?

  She stacked the photos in the box and reached for the paperwork on the floor, which included Aaron’s marriage certificate. She tucked it in the box and reached for a sealed envelope marked with an attorney’s return address. Across the front was written “Dissolution of Marriage.”

  She debated reading it. Surely it would mention the child if there was one. As she started to open it, her phone chimed the sound she had assigned to Aaron’s text messages. She pushed to her feet and went across the hall to the bedroom where she’d left the phone on the dresser.

  She read Aaron’s message: Just wanted to let you know John Aaron is resting well. No more seizures and he’s had two bottles. The seizure didn’t curb his appetite.

  She sent him a reply: That is good news. I’m so relieved.

  Me too. See you in the morning.

  Uneasy, she returned to the nursery. As she walked toward the shoebox, she almost stepped on a loose sheet of stationery. She reached down to pick it up. It was a piece of Aaron’s professional stationery, but the words written in black ink were Molly’s.

  I thought I could love you because I knew you loved me. I told myself I could love you if I tried hard enough, but I have found out you can’t make yourself love someone. Either it is in your heart or it isn’t.

  Most of this is my fault because I didn’t listen when every instinct inside me said I was making a mistake. I let myself believe in the fantasy that was our love. You’re an unrelenting man, Aaron. You wouldn’t let go, and I wasn’t strong enough to pull away.

  Lia considered what Molly had written about Aaron. It was true. She’d seen glimpses of his persistence when it came to adopting John Aaron and even when it came to her staying at his house. When he made up his mind, he had an unshakable resolve.

  I always have been and always will be in love with Eric. I have never been more sure of that than after I married you and found out what it was like to be with the wrong man and living a lie. I went back to Eric. The trips home were to see him, not my family.

  Aaron, the baby I’m carrying is Eric’s son.

  “What?” Lia gasped as she read that line. She pressed her hand over her mouth as she kept reading

  I know you wanted to start a family, but I used morning-after pills to prevent that from happening. I wanted to have Eric’s baby, not yours. To be honest, I didn’t want that kind of bond with you. I knew I was going to leave you, and I wanted both of us to be free of each other. If you want to have DNA tests done regarding the baby, I will agree to that.

  I’m taking my car and my clothes. That’s all. I don’t want anything else. There’s no reason for anything other than an uncontested divorce. You can have your attorney send me the papers, and I’ll sign them.

  I’m sorry things had to work out like this. I know you will resent me for leaving without facing you, but I knew that would mean an ugly argument, and things would be said that shouldn’t be said. I don’t want to fight.

  I simply want to leave and not look back.

  The stark letter trembled in Lia’s hand. The words whispered of pain and regret and loss. She could only imagine what a blow Aaron had suffered. He had lost the woman he’d loved and a baby he had thought was his. “I’m sorry.”

  She put the letter in the shoebox beside the attorney’s correspondence and the photographs. Then she noticed a couple of sheets of paper that lay against the leg of the crib. She retrieved them. They were copies of DNA test results on Aaron and Eric and the baby. According to the charts, Aaron’s probability of paternity was less than three percent whil
e Eric’s was ninety-nine point eight. She shook her head as she closed the shoebox.

  If it were up to her, she’d take it outside and incinerate it. Instead, she took all the shoeboxes upstairs and put them in the spare closet. She closed the closet door, but the words of Molly’s letter haunted her.

  In a couple of weeks, she, too, would have to tell Aaron good-bye. Right now, she and Aaron were on good terms, and their goal was to see that John Aaron thrived and had a happy home and people who loved him. Her instincts were telling her to play it safe and not let things go too far with Aaron so when it came time for her to go, it would not be a soap opera.

  She was already involved in enough of a soap opera with Dallas—one that was going to play out in public. She definitely didn’t need to add more conflict to her life, and she didn’t want to add conflict to Aaron’s life.

  Unlike Molly, she was going to listen to her instincts, and that meant she couldn’t stay in Aaron’s house. She couldn’t sit out on the deck with him, play basketball with him, or put together baby furniture with him because that was no longer enough. He wanted more, and she wanted more. She needed to get out before “more” happened.

  First thing in the morning, she was going house hunting.

  Chapter 10

  John Aaron wailed at the top of his lungs as Aaron lifted him out of the incubator. “Hey, little man, just calm down. I’ve got your bottle.” He cradled the swaddled baby in his arms and put the bottle in John’s mouth. Instantly the baby was happy and sucking greedily on the nipple.

  Aaron chuckled. “You and your aunt are just alike when it comes to eating.”

  He sat in the rocker. “You know, you scared the hell out of me last night. Let’s not do that again, okay? Daddy’s heart isn’t strong enough to handle it.” If he had found out one thing last night, it was the depth of fatherly love and how much of his heart this baby owned.