Ruin Me

by Madalyn Boucher

  “Can you just take me to a hotel or something?” I begged. “You can drop me off somewhere. Anywhere other than home.” He pulled the car over.

  “Who the fuck hurt you?” His tone made me sink further into the seat. I wanted to shower. I wanted to get the feeling of Taylor’s genitals off my hands. “Answer me!” He shouted.

  “I didn’t mean to drag you into this,” I cried. “I’m drunk and high and I just needed to be around someone decent.” My voice caught in my throat. “Please just take me to a hotel. I have money. I’ll sleep it off and Uber home tomorrow morning.” I couldn’t bear the thought of going home right now. On some off chance that my mom or dad were awake and found me in my current state…My life would be over.

  “Tell me where they are,” he pleaded. “Tell me where I can find them.” His eyes angrily scanned the surrounding streets.

  “If you want to be here for me, then be here for me. With me. Please,” I begged.

  “Okay,” he agreed. “I don’t know if anywhere will let us check in this late, but I’ll try.” I couldn’t help but notice that he said us. I leaned my head against the cool glass window and closed my eyes.

  “Hayley,” Nick whispered. Confusion washed over me as I opened my eyes. “The guy at the front desk probably thinks I’m a psychopath, but he gave us a key.” I stared out the window, noticing a large Holiday Inn sign. I had never blacked out before, but I was beginning to think I just had. Nick reached behind me and grabbed his work bag before hopping out of the car. I groggily did the same, following him around the side of the hotel. He opened the door and we descended down the hall, finding an elevator.

  “I pray that there are no cameras. You look like hell.” I stayed silent and waited until the doors slid open. Nick checked the key and lead us to room 418. He swiped the key into the reader and held the door open for me. The room was decent sized, reminding me of the hotel room Lacy and I booked last summer during our little road trip. Tears welled in my eyes at the memory. Would she ever forgive me?

  I found the bathroom and locked the door behind me, ignoring Nick’s pleading tone to talk to him. I turned the water on, stripped out of my clothes and stepped inside. I watched as the blood ran off my body and into the drain. I grabbed the complementary bar of soap and scrubbed my body as hard as I could, swearing at the pain it caused. My wrists were black and blue with bruises. My tainted hand dropped the soap, sending sobs out of my mouth. My friendship was over. Lacy was never going to forgive me. She always thought so highly of Taylor; she could never see him for what he truly was. For so long, I let her talk me into believing he was somewhat decent. After tonight, I knew in the deepest parts of my soul that he was nothing more than a predator.

  After thoroughly washing the vomit out of my hair and the blood off my face, I still felt dirty. No amount of soap was going to make me feel clean. I wrapped myself in a towel and stepped out of the shower, coming face to face with my barf covered clothing. Fuck it, I would sleep in a towel. There were two beds in the room; Nick would just have to look the other way. I pressed my ear against the door, straining to hear if Nick had left.

  “…of your business. I’m letting you stay at my apartment, Rachel.” Pause. “You don’t think I know what time it is?” Another pause. “We can talk about this tomorrow. It’s late, as you’ve so kindly pointed out.” I pressed myself against the door even harder. “Shut up. I love you too.” The room fell silent again, so I pushed the door open. Nick’s eyes shifted from his phone to me.

  “I don’t have any clothes,” I whispered. I didn’t realize how raw my throat was until I spoke. “I don’t want to make you uncomfortable.” He stood up and ran out of the room, leaving me speechless. What the fuck was happening in my life? I tightened the towel around my body and sat at the end of the bed, staring into the muted TV. Texas Chainsaw Massacre was playing. I quickly found the remote and unmuted it. Jessica Biel was singing “Sweet Home Alabama.” Despite what had happened that night, I found myself smiling. The door to the room swung open, and Nick dragged in a small suitcase.

  “I never got around to unpacking,” he explained. He unzipped the suitcase and sifted through it, pulling out a pair of boxers and a long-sleeved shirt. “Everything else is dirty, but I promise the boxers are clean.” He handed me the clothes as if it were a peace offering, and my breath caught in my throat. Tears streamed down my face at the gesture. He excused himself and stepped into the bathroom, giving me space to change. I quickly slipped into them, feeling ashamed yet comfortable. “Is it safe to come out?” He asked through the door.

  “Yes,” I croaked. He walked around the corner and found his way beside me. He gently brought his fingers to my nose as he inspected my appearance. His fingers brushed against my lips, reminding me of Taylor’s unforgiving teeth. I shuddered at the thought.

  “Please tell me what happened.” Nick begged. “I need to know.” I sighed before telling him about the party. I told him about how I got high and drunk, about how Taylor tricked me into following him into his room. I told him about Taylor shoving my hand down his pants; how he wrapped his fingers around my neck. I told him about Lacy walking in and hitting me. I told him everything, never speaking over a whisper.

  “I didn’t know who else to call,” I confessed. “I know it was so stupid for me to call you. I’m so sorry. God, I’m so fucking stupid. I should have never gone to that party.”

  Nick intertwined my fingers with his. “Do not ever apologize for calling me. Ever. This isn’t your fault, Hayley. He’s a creep. You had no way of knowing that he was going to do this to you.” The fury in his voice sent chills down my spine.

  “You could lose your job if someone found out you’re here with me.” Saying the words aloud made me feel even dirtier than before. This night couldn’t have gotten any worse. “I selfishly dragged you into my drama. I should have just gotten a ride home.” Nick fervently shook his head back and forth.

  “The last thing on my mind is my job, Hayley. I care about you, alright? I am relieved that you called me.” He gently pulled me against him, cradling my head against his chest. I felt so small in that instance. I had no right to bring him into this mess. I had been trying so hard for him to see me as someone more mature, more equipped for his lifestyle. I probably looked like a baby in his eyes. “Whatever you’re thinking right now isn’t true,” he whispered. His breath sent chills down my spine. “I care about you. More than you know. Okay?” I nodded my head. “You need to sleep, Hayley. Please just close your eyes and go to bed. You are safe.” I nodded my head again, closing my eyes. He slowly began to rub my back, lulling me into a deep sleep.

  •••

  The next morning, I awoke to my entire body aching with pain. Nick had fallen asleep with his back against the headboard, holding me throughout the entire night. I quickly slipped out of bed and ran into the bathroom. Dread filled my body as I inspected myself in the mirror. My nose and lips were swollen, while my neck sported a faint red handprint. Anger surged through my body at the thought of Taylor’s lips against mine. I grabbed the mouthwash off of the counter and swished it around my mouth, praying the taste of Taylor’s kiss would go away. I pulled my phone out of my dirty pants pocket, throwing the clothes into the trash can. There was no way I’d be wearing that outfit again. I spit the mouthwash into the sink and left the bathroom.

  “Good morning,” Nick mumbled. I smiled sheepishly at him, too embarrassed to speak. “You look beautiful.” My cheeks burned as he looked at me adorningly.

  “Stop,” I whispered. “Thank you for everything.” He approached me slowly before bringing his lips against mine. I fell into him, relieved when he wrapped his arms around my body. His tongue traced the cut that Taylor had created, before sprinkling tiny kisses around it. He then moved to my nose, lightly trailing each bruise with his mouth.

  “There is no need to thank me, beautiful.” I leaned against him, too afraid to face reality just yet. He had kissed me for the second time in a week. What d
id this mean for us? Was he going to go back to normal when we returned to work, or were we going to finally pursue this head on? I felt myself becoming flustered. I needed to know where we stood but was too afraid to break the spell.

  “I don’t want to talk about last night ever again,” I confessed. “I just want to forget it ever happened.” He nodded his head, yet his eyes told me that he didn’t agree with my decision. “Could you take me home?” The last thing I wanted to do was leave him, but I knew that it needed to happen. The sooner we left, the sooner I could put the entire situation out of my head. He kissed my forehead and gathered his things before we made our way out of the hotel.

  Twenty

  Nick

  Red. The moment I answered the phone and heard the sheer panic in Hayley’s voice, my vision turned to red. I had jumped out of bed and retrieved my keys before she was able to complete a full sentence. The sound of her voice, the sobs, the blood…I shuttered at the thought of it.

  I had wanted nothing more than to find whoever laid their hands on her and return the favor. How could someone hurt such a beautiful, kindred soul? How could someone violate my girl? I had every intention of going to jail that night, but something in Hayley’s voice stopped me. “Be here for me,” she had said. How many times had I heard my own mother beg my father with those same words? Whenever things went wrong, he was out of the door with promises to “fix” whatever mess we were in. It wasn’t until I was much older that I realized he was trying to escape the situation rather than support the ones he loved.

  Hayley made me promise not to bring up the previous night’s incident, but I couldn’t rationalize as to how that was possible. I scanned through social media, searching for Lacy’s boyfriend. I found his page almost immediately. He was a sophomore in college, riding a scholarship from his wrestling career. His arm was painted in tattoos, and a devious smile played at the corner of his lips. Lacy sat on his lap with a joint between her lips, eyes lazily trained on her predator of a boyfriend. How could she not see him for what he really was? His entire profile screamed “failure.”

  I slammed my laptop shut and ran a tired hand over my face. I was going to kill him. The thought of him forcing Hayley’s hand down his pants sent my blood boiling. The bruises on her neck, the gash on her mouth. Her beautiful, innocent mouth. Her fear was nearly palpable as she slept in my arms that night. God, she was beautiful when she slept.

  Rachel sat down in front of me, interrupting my thoughts. Her eyes narrowed with suspicion as I took another drink of my coffee. She had been relentless since two o’clock last night. Where had I been? Who was I with? What kind of trouble had I gotten myself into? I had never kept a secret from my little sister.

  “Are you ready to tell me what the fuck is going on with you?” I sighed and stared down at my hazelnut coffee. I had never fancied flavored coffee, but my sister insisted on stocking my shelves for herself during her visits.

  “It’s nothing,” I lied. It was everything. Hayley was becoming my everything. I nervously tugged at my hair as Rachel’s gaze tightened. “I fucked up,” I whispered.

  Rachel placed her hand on mine before giving me a small smile. “Whatever it is, I’m sure it can’t be that bad, Nick. Do you remember how much trouble I got into my first year of college?” Images of Rachel being hauled away in a police cruiser entered my mind. After discovering her latest diagnosis, they had released her with a warning.

  “It’s worse,” I whispered.

  Her grip tightened on my hand. “Is she a student?” she whispered. My eyes burned as I squeezed them shut. Rachel let out a long breath and sat against the chair. “What happened?”

  I let out a strained laugh. “Aside from falling hopelessly in love with someone ten years younger?” I asked. “Where the fuck do I even begin?”

  Twenty-One

  Hayley

  Lacy stayed with Taylor until school resumed on Monday. After paying to get my screen replaced, I found dozens of missed calls from her. I left every text unread, too afraid to see what it entailed. My parents were in and out of town and, thanks to YouTube tutorials, my bruises and busted lip went unnoticed. In addition to ignoring Lacy’s texts, I was also ignoring Nick’s. He was worried about my wellbeing, but he stuck to his word and didn’t bring up the party. Instead, he sent me countless memes and book suggestions.

  I spent my lunch period in the library, searching for one of the many book suggestions Nick had sent me. I settled on Hell House by Richard Matheson and silently ate my apple.

  “Miss Mitchell.” I jumped at the sound of my name. “What an excellent selection of literature,” Nick whispered. I scanned the library, afraid of being seen. The librarian was scowling towards her computer, unaware of what was transpiring.

  “What are you doing here?” I asked as heat spread throughout my body. He was wearing black slacks and a green short sleeved polo. His tanned arms looked even bigger than the last time I saw him.

  “Faculty is permitted to use the library, just as students are,” he teased. “How’s your studying going?” I pulled my latest test out of my bag, showing him the large B- printed in red. He clicked his tongue as he scanned each side of my crumpled test, acting as if he hadn’t been the one to grade it. “You do realize I have my Masters in History, right?” I was surprised to hear this information. If he had his Masters, why was he teaching at a high school?

  “No, Mr. Foster, I wasn’t aware.” His eyes narrowed at me. “Perhaps you could share some of your wisdom with me?” I suggested. A large smile spread over his face, bringing fire between my legs.

  “I think we could work something out.” His tone was suggestive, nearly sending me overboard. “Start coming to my classroom during lunch if you’d like. It’s my planning period.” I nodded my head, exhilarated by the thought of more time with him. It appeared that his previous qualms about Alexis Martinez’s accusations were depleting. I opened my mouth to respond when Lacy’s voice pierced our ears.

  “There you are!” She shouted. The scowling library clapped her hands together and shushed Lacy, making her blush. Nick stiffened beside me. “Why the fuck are you avoiding me?” she half-yelled, half-whispered, ignoring Nick’s presence.

  He awkwardly stood, tucking his hands in his pockets. “Nice to see you, Miss Evans." She narrowed her eyes in his direction before averting them back to me. “I’ll see you both during ninth period.”

  “As if you two don’t spend enough time in that weird little closet together,” she muttered. I felt dumbstruck, completely confused with her playful attitude. The last time I saw her, she was nearly breaking my nose. “Hayley, listen.”

  “Do you not remember hitting me?” I asked incredulously.

  Lacy sucked in a deep breath before placing her hand on my shoulder. “I tried calling you like a million times, Hay. Taylor told me what happened…I must have blacked out or something.” Hearing his name sent chills down my spine, despite the library’s hot atmosphere. “Did I really hit you just for talking to him?” I weighed out my decisions. Should I tell her what actually happened, or should I let her continue to believe her boyfriend was an angel? After seeing her reaction at the party, I chose the latter.

  “What did Taylor tell you?” I took a small bite of my apple in attempts to hide my disgust.

  “He said that you weren’t feeling good, so he took you into his room. And you guys were talking when I came in, freaking out. He said I just…hit you…” She trailed off as she stared at the wooden table beneath us. She probably would have believed him if he said he was giving me private lessons on hand jobs. I inhaled sharply before giving out a half-hearted laugh.

  “Sounds about right,” I lied. Why was I lying? Lacy deserved to know that her boyfriend was an absolute creep. “I tried to explain myself, but you weren’t having it.”

  She let out a long, tired sigh. “Guess that’s what I get for doing coke and drinking half a bottle of tequila,” she whispered. “Hayley, I am so sorry. I can’t believe I hurt
you.” I shrugged my shoulders and gave her another fake smile. “How much green makeup are you wearing?” Leave it to Lacy to know that green concealer hid hickies and bruises.

  “A lot.” She took my hand in hers and squeezed lightly, tears filling her eyes. “Please don’t cry, Lace. Let’s just forget it ever happened, alright?” I never wanted to speak about the incident again. I had grown used to suppressing unfortunate events and wanted to go back to my normal methods of repression.

  “I’d like that,” she sniffed. “Movie night tonight? We can even watch a scary movie if you want to…” As much as I wanted to spend the evening at work with Nick, I knew that I needed to spend time with Lacy. Her behavior had been erratic recently and having a supportive friend may do her some good. I, however, was still upset.

  “Deal.”

  •••

  I texted Nick about the word hedonism during Lacy and my after-school movie marathon. The heaviness between us was dissipating, and I decided to keep the “incident” to myself. Taylor was drunk. I was drunk. Lacy was beyond drunk. There was no reason to keep bringing it up.

  That’s a large word. I like the way you talk.

  I felt myself grow warm. Do you think that I’m a hedonist? It took him a while to respond, spiking my anxiety. Finally, my phone went off.

  A person is hedonistic when they go after something they want and neglect to consider the possible outcomes it may have on the other person. It’s self-gratification. That person doesn’t give a shit about what happens as long as they get what they want.

  This made me stop and think about what I was trying to do. There was a difference between going after what you want and being hedonistic, right? I had been taught my entire life that if you want something you should go after it; that was exactly what I was doing. I was simply applying a childhood lesson to an everyday situation, yet everything had to be more complicated than necessary.