My blood boiled at Low’s words, she didn’t understand. I mean, how could she? She had no idea of the daily battle I was having with my conscience and my heart, she had no idea that I had said the same things about myself over and over in my head, torturing myself day in day out. I didn’t want to hurt either of them and it was never my intention, no matter how hard it was for people to grasp.
“I’m not doing this with you, Low! Seriously, back off and keep out of it. You have no idea what I go through daily and you certainly have no idea what you are talking about.”
“No idea about what?”
My head quickly snapped towards the dorm door, my brother standing there looking between Low and me with a confused expression on his face.
“Nothing.” I whispered, I quickly turned my gaze to Low silently pleading with her not to tell Tate what was going on.
“Tell him, Neva, or I will!” Low said quickly, totally knocking me off balance. My body buckled underneath me, knowing that I would have to tell him. Dropping to my knees, the sobs quickly tore from my throat, flinching as Tate knelt down in front of me and took me into his arms, wrapping me up in a tight hug.
“Tell me what?” Tate asked as he gently rocked me in his arms, trying to sooth me as I melted against his chest.
“I’m sorry.” I said through sobs, bunching Tate’s shirt in my hands trying desperately to keep him close.
“What is it, baby girl? You can tell me.” He said in a soothing voice as he gently stroked my back in comfort. How do I tell my brother that I am in love with his best friend, the man who he trusted … the man that owned me like no one else could?
“I can’t … I.” I stuttered, the sobs coming thick and fast as my throat restricted. It was as if my body was stopping me from telling Tate the truth.
“Tell him, Neva.” Low pushed, her anger seemingly toned down.
“I slept with Logan.” My hand quickly flew to my mouth, stifling the gasp that was readily positioned on my lips, waiting for Tate’s reaction. Waiting for him to go bat shit crazy and possibly kill Logan for betraying his trust, but … it never came.
“I know.” He whispered, I quickly pulled back and stared at my brother in shock. What the hell? How could he possibly know, unless Low had told him?
“W … What are you talking about?” I said, unable to disguise the shock penetrating my voice as I looked over at Low for an answer. She shook her head, letting me know that he hadn’t told him either.
“He told me, Neva.” He sighed, briefly closing his eyes before slowly opening them again. “He loves you, baby girl, he has since I can remember but he is hurting. He has to watch you with Angel day in and day out and he doesn’t know how long he can stay away from you, Neva, he is only so strong.”
“I love him too.” I admitted, my voice was so small that I wasn’t sure it came from my lips. Looking up at my brother and my best friend, I realized the words had come from me, and Tate and Low had definitely heard me.
“What about Angel?” Tate added, clearly still not understanding.
“I love Angel, too.” I sighed, trying to find the courage to explain exactly what was going on. “I love them both, I love them for different reasons and my heart hurts every damn time I think about it. But I did choose, you guys just don’t see it. I chose Angel because I love him, but I also chose him to protect Logan. I am not going to subject him to my nightmares or my past any longer. It isn’t his burden to carry.” The tears were coming like a tsunami, wave after wave hitting me harder and harder as I tried to explain that I was in love with two men.
“So Angel knows what happened?” Low asked as she sat down on the edge of her bed.
“No, I don’t think I will ever be ready to tell him what happened. With Angel, I can just be me, not the Neva who has nightmares that scare the shit out of people who see them, not the Neva who can’t get in a damn car or the Neva who can’t watch news reports in case a car wreck is featured. I am so sick of being that person, I want to be me, I want to live!” My voice raised with every passing second as my anger boiled to the surface, anger towards myself and the man who claimed my father’s life.
“But you are basing your relationship with Angel on a lie, he is going to find out eventually. What happens if you have a nightmare while you are with him?” Low asked tentatively.
“I won’t put myself into that situation, and if it does happen, then maybe I could tell him.” I threw my hands in my hair, I knew I wasn’t being reasonable but why should I subject someone else to my pain. “I don’t know what the hell I would do, but for right now, I don’t have to tell him. For right now, I want to be normal, so will you please just respect that and stop getting on my case about it?” I spat, I just wanted them to leave the subject alone. I wasn’t ready for this.
“Okay, we will drop it but what about Logan? You slept with him Neva, you can’t expect him just to shut off his feelings.” Tate pleaded, the concern for his friend evident in his voice.
“I don’t expect him to shut off his feelings, Tate, but when I am around him, it’s like my body is forcing me to stay with him and when I’m not, I am constantly thinking about him. I love him and I can’t shut off my feelings for him either, but I think it would be for the best if we didn’t see each other. Even as friends.” The realization of what I had just said hit me hard, but I wasn’t willing to show it. I can’t tell Tate and Low that I wanted to be more than friends with Logan, that I wanted Logan without having to hurt Angel at the same time. Talk about a cluster fuck.
“Look, I am not going to claim that I completely understand it, but if you say you can’t see Logan again, then don’t. You are only going to hurt him and yourself more than you already have. Keep him at arm’s length, Neva. Don’t hurt him.” Tate said tight lipped, squeezing my shoulders before getting up and leaving my room.
“I’m sorry, Neva but I am with your brother on this one, you need to keep away from Logan. For everyone’s sake.” Low said with a tight smile before getting up and leaving the room, following my brother’s footsteps.
Cluster fuck doesn’t even describe what I am thinking right now …
Looking at my reflection in the mirror, I stared back at the girl I wasn’t sure I knew. At the beginning of the year I wasn’t sure if I could open my heart up again, now I was in a battle between trusting my head or my heart. How had my life gone down this road? I didn’t know, but something was going to give soon and when it does, it was going to be one hell of a collision.
“You nearly ready, baby?” Angel shouted from outside the bathroom door.
“Yeah, just a minute.” I replied, adding another coat of gloss to my lips.
Smoothing out my knee length dress, I checked my reflection once again, Angel was taking me out to dinner before going back to his place to meet his mom, I was so nervous. It had taken Low and I most of the day to decide on an outfit and after seventeen outfits were rejected, mainly by Low, we decided on a simple black dress. After smoothing out my hair, which was draped upon my shoulders in loose curls, I was ready. Taking a deep breath, I walked out of the bathroom to find Angel staring at me, wide eyed.
“Holy shit baby, you look amazing! Are you sure we can’t stay here tonight? I have a really good image of you wearing nothing but those sexy black heels and draping them over my shoulders, so I can devour you.” He said with a smirk, his blue eyes smoldering.
“No, we aren’t skipping dinner or visiting your mom, so put your tongue back in your mouth. Come on or we’ll be late.” I said with a chuckle as Angel sighed dramatically.
Dinner was amazing. Angel had taken me to a small Italian bistro in town, it was small but intimate, with large candles as centerpieces and a beautiful band playing a mixture of sweet and soulful music.
Our conversations were light as we talked about music, classes and our professor, laughing at Angel’s impression of him dancing around the class when he got excited, pulling attention to our table.
“Tell me about your m
om.” I asked as I finished a piece of garlic bread.
“Mom is amazing. She is a hairdresser. She owns a salon on the edge of town with some exclusive clientele. She loves coffee and is an amazing cook, she tried to teach me once, but I nearly burned the fucking house down.” He chuckled at the memory.
There was no doubt that Angel loved his mom, just the way he spoke of her lovingly warmed my heart.
“I can’t wait to meet her.”
“Shit, we need to go or we are going to be late.” He said, glancing at his watch.
We had walked to the restaurant. Angel didn’t even bother with his car anymore, since I still couldn’t get in one with anyone else other than Logan and Tate. As we rushed across town I could see Angel’s shoulders tense with every step we took.
“Are you okay?” I asked, pulling on Angel’s hand, stopping him mid stride.
“Yeah, I’m just nervous. I have never brought a girl home before.” He said, running his hand through his hair.
“Hey, it will be fine.” I said, placing a light kiss on his lips, trying to reassure him, but when our lips locked, what only intended to be an innocent kiss turned into something much more. Pulling me flush against his body, I moaned into his mouth as he ran his tongue along my bottom lip. I wrapped my arms around his neck and he swiftly deepened the kiss, exploring my mouth with his tongue. As quickly as it had started, it had finished.
“Come on, baby.” Angel said with a sexy smile.
We approached a modest two-story house only ten minutes later. It was a beautiful home, made from brick. It was painted an off-white, sporting a modest garden in the front. A porch wrapped around the house, showing off large windows that were lined with beautiful flower pots.
Walking across the driveway, I spotted Angel’s Mustang, still sleek and sexy just like the first day I saw it.
“Hey, sweet boy.” I turned quickly to find Angel’s mom standing on the porch with a loving smile on her face.
“Hey, mom.” Angel replied as he released my hand from his grasp, jogging over to his mom and giving her a tight squeeze before looking back in my direction. “Mom, this is Neva, Neva this is my mom, Vivian.” Angel said, introducing us.
Vivian Walker was not what I had expected, she was stunning and completely the opposite of Angel. Her hair was a brilliant blonde, which was pinned back into a smooth chignon, her eyes a deep shade of brown and her makeup was flawless. She was certainly eye-catching.
“Call me Viv, honey.” Vivian replied with a wink, flashing a set of perfect pearly whites. “Come on inside, I have made some coffee.” Christ, I can’t smell coffee without thoughts of Angel flashing through my mind, this could be interesting.
Stepping into the house I felt as though I had just landed into a family photo album. Pictures of Angel as a child lined the walls from being a newborn right up until the man he was today.
“Your mom loves embarrassing you too, huh?” I said as I tipped my head into the direction of a picture of him naked in the bath as a baby.
“Oh, god.” He replied chuckling before leading me into the living room, Viv was already pouring coffee into the three mugs that were on the coffee table.
“So what are you studying in college, Neva?” Viv asked as she passed Angel our coffees.
“Music, I want to be a music teacher.” I replied tentatively.
“Ah, the key to my boys heart.”
“Mom!” Angel cut her off and rolled his eyes.
“What, it’s no secret! He loves singing in the shower too.” She said with a small chuckle.
“You sing in the shower?” I asked, trying hard not to laugh but the smell of coffee and thought of Angel in the shower quickly stopped me from laughing.
Angel groaned, rolling his eyes before sighing.
“I’m pleading the fifth!”
For the next hour Viv spoke about what Angel was like growing up, while Angel groaned with every story, causing me to laugh even harder. I couldn’t wipe the smile from my face as I watched them both banter with each other, their relationship was beautiful to watch and it was clear that they were extremely close.
“Can I use your restroom?” I whispered to Angel, all the coffee Viv was supplying me with was going to make my bladder explode.
“Sure, up the stairs, first door on your left.” Angel replied.
“Thanks.” I said, making my way up to the second floor of the house.
But just as I was about to walk through the bathroom door, I heard a loud bang followed by a booming voice.
“There had better be some fucking beers in that refrigerator, Viv!”
Who the hell was that? Forgetting about my urgent need to pee, I started making my way down the stairs, watching as Angel and Viv came out of the living room and into the hallway. Viv’s face was a picture of shock whereas Angel looked like he wasn’t even fazed by this man’s intrusion.
“Oh shit.” I heard Viv gasp before moving quickly behind Angel.
I darted my gaze over to the doorway, my eyes locking on the source of the voice. He must have been around 6 foot, broad shoulders were attached to a muscular neck, scattered with tattoos. I didn’t want to look up any further, I had seen enough to know I should fear him. But I did, my eyes suddenly locked with a set of steel blue eyes that were laced with a scattering of gold flecks, I gasped as my legs started to quiver, my heart pounding and my lungs straining for every breath.
“Well, well, well who do we have here?” The man’s voice was raspy and hoarse as he slurred his words, swaying slightly as he took a gulp of beer from a bottle before throwing it against the wall. Glass shattered into tiny pieces, scattering across the hallway carpet, causing my heart to jump into my throat at the sound as I moved to stand by Angel, my hands quivering in fear.
“Who’s your pet, Angel?” He snarled, his eyes wide with fury, baring the same resemblance as Angel’s, but more luminous, hard and much more scary. Was this man Angel’s father?
“Well?” His voice boomed across the narrow hallway, making me flinch. But it wasn’t his voice that was scaring the shit out of me, it was his eyes, it was as if they were throwing daggers right through me.
“This is Neva James, my girlfriend.” Angel said tight-lipped, his posture becoming hard and tense.
“Where the fuck are your manners, boy?” He spat, stepping towards Angel but before I knew what was happening I heard the loud crack of bones crushing as the man swiftly ploughed his fist into Angel’s jaw. “Introduce us!”
I gasped at the contact, Angel not even flinching at this man’s attack, my fear rooting me to the ground. I wanted to comfort him but I was rendered motionless.
“Neva, this is my father, Jack Walker.” Angel grunted, trying to push through the pain in his jaw. Oh shit, this was his dad.
“They call me The Jackal.” He slurred, quickly turning to Angel. “She looks fucking delicious.”
Angel didn’t move one single inch as his dad licked his lips, turning my stomach.
“It’s a damn shame that I have to ruin those pretty good looks of yours, otherwise I would have loved a taste. I bet you taste fucking sweet, does she taste sweet, boy?”
My heart slammed to the front of my chest as my eyes darted to Angel, who still hadn’t moved or said a word without indication from his father. What the hell was going on? What the fuck was he talking about? I didn’t even know this man and he was threatening to hurt me? But I couldn’t question or protest as my throat became dry and my tongue became heavy in my mouth.
“Neva, come here baby.” Angel whispered. But I couldn’t move, my feet were attached firmly to the ground. “Neva!” Angel whisper-shouted, gaining my attention I turned, my eyes locking with his. The blue pools that so often mesmerized me with the depth of color now made my skin crawl from the uncanny resemblance they held to his father’s.
“I … I what is going on Angel?” I stuttered, trying to keep my eyes on the man who had claimed me. I couldn’t get the image of Angel’s father’s words
out of my mind, he wanted to hurt me and I had no fucking idea why. I had only met him today, and Angel had never really spoken about his father before. But looking at Angel, I watched as he averted his eye from me, looking at the ground nervously. It was a side of Angel I never thought I would see; vulnerable, scared and maybe a hint of guilt?
“I’m sorry. I never wanted this to happen. I need you to believe me when I tell you just how much you mean to me. How much I love you. How much I need you.” Angel said, a gasp escaped me as I watched a single tear roll down his beautiful face. Now I was freaking out, what the hell is going on?
“What is going on Angel? You’re scaring me.”
“My deepest regret was finding you, but loving you is my every need. Maybe one day you will understand and maybe even … maybe even forgive me.”
Angel’s hand rested on my shoulder and squeezed lightly, I didn’t understand. What was he saying? Maybe one day I will understand? I have no idea what the hell I am supposed to even try and understand! My head was swimming with questions that I just couldn’t seem to ask, I didn’t even know if I wanted to ask.
“Well, fuck me. You were only supposed to find her, not fall in love with her. You fucking idiot, can you do a single think right? Fuck, you’re just like your bastard of a mother.” Jack’s eyes darted to Viv’s cowering frame, who was still shielding herself behind her son. “After ten fucking years you are just going to hide behind this little fucking runt? You’re not even going to greet your husband with a kiss?” He slurred.
“That’s enough!” I spat, all eyes darted to me shocked by my sudden outburst. I didn’t even realize it had escaped my lips until I saw the venom pouring from Jack’s eyes. “What the hell is going on?” I seethed.
“You were brought here for a reason. It wasn’t coincidence that you and Angel were to stumble into each other’s lives. I. Made. It. Happen.” He chuckled, clearly laughing at his own twisted and sick joke. A smug smile crept across his disgusting face before he continued. “In loving memory of Brandon James, husband to Lorena James, father to Tate and Neva James. Gone but never forgotten.” I gasped as he recited the newspaper article about my father’s death, what the fuck?
Finding You Page 18
