Breaking Old Habits

by Melissa Bender

  “Do you feel like doing anything today?” Harvey asked, cutting into his bacon and eggs that made me want to throw up.

  Did I? “No.” I wanted to go back to bed and put on my music. I wanted to listen to nothing but the song that spoke so many words to me. “I think I might take a shower.”

  Carrying my empty plate to the sink, I heard my dad coughing awkwardly, and I looked up, frowning slightly as Harvey was straightening up in his chair, his cheeks slightly rosy. “Time of the month?”

  I looked at him like he was crazy. “You didn’t just ask me that. I’m not moody because of my period.”

  “Ayla… Uh, you’re bleeding.” Harvey pointed out with his knife poking towards my legs.

  Looking down, I felt my cheeks flush. “I’m not.”

  Mum turned around from the kitchen sink and looked over with a worried expression. “Dear, let’s get you to the hospital.”

  I shook my head. There was no need. I would just put a pad in after I showered. “Mum, I’m—Ahh,” I cried out. “Ahh…” I screamed louder this time as I clutched my stomach. I lost my footing and fell forwards, but my father jumped up from his seat just in time.

  A set of strong arms caught me, and all I could remember was curling up in pain as I screamed in agony. My stomach tightened with the worst period pain I had ever felt before I passed out.

  ***

  There was an annoying beep filling my ears as I fluttered my eyes open. My lips were dry, and my throat was sore. Looking around as my vision focused, I spotted Harvey asleep on the chair across the room. Then my eyes drifted down to where there was an IV hooked into my left hand.

  “Hey.” I croaked, trying to move forwards, but my stomach ached and hurt. Swallowing, I tried again. “Harvey.”

  “Hmm?” he murmured sleepily. Then his eyes opened and widened. “You’re awake?” He stood and walked over.

  “Can you bring me water?” I nodded towards the tray at the end of the bed. “Thirsty.”

  Reaching for the plastic cup with a straw inside it, he brought it towards my dry lips, and I took a refreshing mouthful, drinking the entire thing.

  “I’ll get your parents,” he said as he set the cup back down. “Won’t be long.”

  “What happened?” I felt stupid for being so clueless.

  “Ayla…” He began. “I’m sorry. I really am.”

  “What did you do?” I asked. You would never know with him. “Oh, the kiss.”

  A sad, solemn expression crossed his face as he sat on the edge of the bed beside me. “No, I didn’t do anything. I don’t regret kissing you. I’d do it again, but…”

  I wouldn’t be kissing him again.

  “Ayla, you were pregnant. Why didn’t you tell us or me?”

  Pregnant. Just like that, the aching in my chest was back. “I didn’t know I was.” I was having a baby—Griffin’s baby. I should be crushed, but a wave of happiness washed over me just thinking about it. “A baby? How far along am I?”

  “Fuck.” Rubbing a hand over his face, he dropped his arm and took my fingers between his. “You lost the baby. You had a miscarriage earlier. The bleeding—”

  A train slammed into my gut, and the ache was like a knife piercing my heart, over and over again.

  “Stop. Where’s my mum?” I did not want him to tell me more. I needed my mum.

  With a nod, he stood and left the room. Only moments later, my mum was rushing in. She was crying as she hugged me tightly and kissed my forehead. “Oh, sweetheart, I’m so sorry.”

  I wish everyone would stop saying that.

  “Tell me.” I needed to know. I did not want to know any of it, but I needed to.

  “It was an ectopic pregnancy. You had an internal bleeding, causing you to collapse when Dad was carrying you to the car. You had surgery to remove it. You were only eleven weeks…” she trailed off quietly. “It wouldn’t have survived, honey.”

  Eleven weeks was still far enough to know. I did not even realise I had missed a period. Then again, I did not miss any. They were still normal. “I had no idea…” The bile burnt my throat as tears stung my eyes. “How could I not know?”

  I had been pregnant, just like I wanted so desperately, with Griffin’s child, and I had no damn clue.

  For the rest of my life. I promise that I. I’ll keep loving you.

  Only, now, I was not pregnant, and I did not have Griffin. But I still wanted both so badly.

  CHAPTER TWELVE

  To say I had not been thinking about it was a complete lie. I had been thinking about it a lot.

  Telling him that I was pregnant and then lost our baby could go two ways. One, he would be sympathetic and all sorry, but the response I was expecting would be a punch in the face. Kidding. He would not hit me, but his words would. He would accuse me of being just like her, trying to trap him into a relationship that he did not want, a child he definitely did not want.

  Five days ago, my heart broke in a way I never knew possible. The loss of a child, an unborn, innocent child, gripped my heart and crushed it to pieces.

  I lost a baby that he and I had made together, and it was all I could think about.

  Eight days ago, I left him, and it still felt like the first day I walked out.

  I would have probably gotten over him a little if I had not suffered the miscarriage. Harvey did not come back home with us. He left, and I was grateful he did. He was not helping by being here. It was only adding to the complex situation. I needed space and time and not someone trying to kiss me.

  I could not believe he kissed me.

  He knew that doing that would put me in a horrible situation. I felt as if I had cheated on Griffin, betraying him in a way he was expecting. He told me Harvey wanted me, and I had made it quite clear to Harvey that I could not have that kind of relationship with him.

  Then what did he go and do?

  Damn well kisses me and tells me that he loves me.

  It was not fair. I was going to crush his heart. This could destroy our friendship all for nothing.

  Griffin would assume that I left him for Harvey, and that was just a whole other something I did not have time to deal with. This was not about them; it was about me being hurt and neglected.

  Griffin did not need me the way I had needed him.

  His calls had stopped two days ago. I guess he had finally gotten over me. Of course, he would move on. He’s fucking gorgeous.

  Perfect even.

  I was feeling bitter about everything. I did not want to feel this way, but I was. I told him to stop calling me, and he finally did. So, why did it hurt even more?

  Because he gave up on you. Because you didn’t want him to, my inner thoughts told me.

  I wanted him to beg, fucking beg for me back, and he did not. We were done, and I was not going to go crawling back to him. It was time to grow up and move on. I could not go back, not when I walked out. Going back now, knowing that everything would remain the same, would only drive me miserable in the end.

  I scoffed to myself. Move on to what? I worked in the same town he lived in. I needed a new job, and fast.

  Gazing down to where my hand lay, my lips twitched into a sad smile. “I’m so sorry.” I don’t know why I felt the need to apologise, but I had been doing it constantly. I already placed myself in the category of bad mothers. I should have known.

  I should not have been so worked up or emotional… should not have wrapped myself up in Karen and what she was doing. Maybe then I would have figured out, that yeah, my period was over a month late, and that would give me the initiative to take a pregnancy test.

  My hand had been resting on my flat tummy like it had been most of the time since I came home and my parents both put me on mandatory bedrest. Dad had taken a few days off work to be around in case I needed anything, telling me to just send him a text or to ring the bell he left on my bedside table.

  They had been amazing and not mad at all about the pregnancy—mostly shocked. There were times where I
would feel anger and hate, asking myself why. Why did I deserve this? Did I do something so terrible in the past that gave me this shitty situation to deal with? I had to put up with Karen. Surely that was enough to pay for any sins I did.

  Obviously not.

  My friends, or should I say Griffin’s friends, had not even tried to contact me. They just tolerated me because I was with him. They would all know we had broken up by now and were probably having a farewell-the-young-bitch party. Karen would be chanting, ‘I told you so. I told you so!’ and then make her move on him.

  My eyes narrowed to slits. I wanted to punch her so bad. I could just grab her by the hair and break her damn nose if I had the chance. That was how mad she made me.

  The rumbling of my stomach brought me back to the reality of growing up. I should stop trying to hold on to the past. I was hungry, but I could not be bothered moving. I wanted to just lie there in the misery of all my what if’s and dreams that would never happen.

  Food was a thought I could go all day without remembering if it was not for my mother who kept me replenished and fuelled up. Just as she was doing now, walking into my bedroom with a bowl of soup and some heated up dinner rolls covered in butter.

  It was my weakness. Butter. Yum.

  “You didn’t have to bring that up,” I told her, sitting up from my lying position and muting the TV.

  My dad brought it in, anything to keep his little princess happy.

  Mum just smiled, setting the tray on my table and taking a seat on the bed like she had done in the hospital. “How’s the bleeding today? Your incision?”

  She had turned into my own personal nurse too. “It’s okay. Sore, but guess that’s to be expected.”

  The sore was rather mild for what I had experienced. The stitches would dissolve, and the bruising would fade. It would just take time, time to heal and time to recover.

  “Are you going to tell him?”

  “Cut right to the chase.” I swallowed, reaching behind my back to fix the pillow that was making me uncomfortable. Sighing, I lay back down. “No. I don’t know if I should.”

  “He has a right to know. It was his child too.”

  I gave her a look, biting my tongue from snapping back. “I know it was, but we broke up. What good is it telling him I was pregnant and lost it? It’ll complicate everything even more.” He would just assume I tried to trap him.

  “Perhaps I should call—”

  Babies need constant watch, and he did not want that. “No. Please. I’ll tell him but in my own time. It’s only been a few days.”

  I dropped my hands in my lap and chewed my lower lips as it began to tremble. “He’ll think I had an abortion. That’s what it was.” Tears began to spill down my cheeks as I looked up.

  “Ayla, sweetheart. You had an ectopic pregnancy. It will never be regarded as an abortion. You didn’t choose this. You had a life-threatening condition. If it wasn’t picked up, it could have ended your life. It was an out of place pregnancy. Your baby wasn’t going to survive there, dear,” she said quietly, taking my hand in hers and squeezing it with a gentle touch. “There’ll be a time for you to start a family one day. It just wasn’t meant to be right now.”

  “The doctor said…” my voice failed me again.

  “That there’s a good chance you’ll fall pregnant again. The percentage increases. Just because you lost a fallopian tube, doesn’t mean you’ll struggle to fall pregnant, Ayla. It might just take a bit longer.”

  I did not want another baby.

  “Now eat up. You need your rest. I’ll be in the kitchen if you need me.”

  “Okay, Mum.” I smiled, and when she left, I picked up my roll and drowned it into the bowl of deliciousness. She could really cook.

  I did not want another baby—I wanted Griffin’s baby.

  ***

  Two weeks later

  Nothing had changed. I still missed him, and my heart ached more than ever.

  Four weeks later

  Who said time heals pain? What a load of shit. I was mad at the world for fucking me over and breaking my heart.

  Six weeks later

  For the first time since ending my relationship, I put on makeup, brushed my hair, and dressed in actual clothes—real clothes, not boxers or panties and an oversized shirt, but actual going outside clothing.

  ***

  Ten minutes later

  I was back in bed. It was a start, a very depressing start of becoming normal again.

  It had been almost eight weeks, and my incisions had healed, leaving two little pinkish spots as a reminder of the loss I suffered through. The bleeding has stopped, and I was starting to feel almost normal.

  I was even looking for a flat to rent, since well, I did not have a ton of money and it was just me. I was thinking about getting a cat or a dog. They are meant to cheer people up. A dog would love me, protect me, and keep me warm at night.

  God, I missed sex. No, I missed sex with Griffin.

  His mouth… Those lips... That tongue… Cock… Fuck. I needed sex badly.

  I went to call him, four times. I had even written out a long text message about the whole baby situation, but before I could send it, I erased every little letter on my iPhone and deleted it. How pathetic. Texting him? Cowardly. I needed to do it face to face.

  My phone buzzed on the glass wicker table beside me as I lay outside in the sun. Reaching over, I read the message. It was from Harvey, who had been texting me constantly.

  His text blindsided me. I had not expected that. Move in with me.

  I could not type back fast enough. What?

  His reply was instant. Just as friends, not lovers.

  Did he realise that I did not want to be his lover? Let me think about it?

  No. Don’t think. Just do.

  I groaned. My heart was starting to beat faster, but my gut was telling me no. I had to slow down and not rush into anything. My vagina was saying he’s hot, though. I bet he would not mind giving me what I need.

  Damn it. I did not like being pressured into anything. I’ll let you know by my next shift.

  Three minutes later, he replied. When do you come back to work?

  I needed to go back, back to my normal life. In four days.

  I had taken enough time off to grieve. I had to accept that my life was changing for the better.

  Lifting my leg up and placing them firmly to the cement, I stood and picked my phone up. No more texting for me. I had a cake to bake.

  Mum was teaching me some new recipes, baking cakes and casseroles that were suitable for freezing. She and Dad both thought it would be good that I get into my own place and keep myself busy. They wanted me to move back here and run the new café. I knew she wanted to sell the other café but kept it open just in case I went back.

  I guess if I really wanted, I could stay here with them. Mum would love it, and Dad could get used to it, and I would not have to fork out rent each week. Living alone is a whole new experience, though. Honestly, I was looking forward to making something mine. It would just be my things, and everything would be clean and tidy.

  No crap left around or boys smelly socks thrown on the bedroom floor.

  The thought struck me, and I wondered if Mack had confessed to Griffin. I hoped so.

  Enough of them. Mum was already pulling out the flour as I walked in. “I’m ready.”

  She laughed. “Ayla, you don’t have to help me cook.”

  “I have nothing else to do.” I looked around. What a sad life I lead right now.

  “Well, in that case, please go and get some eggs from the chickens. I forgot to buy some today.” She reached behind her and handed me the small basket.

  Taking it from her, I slipped my flats back on and made my way outside to the coup. Maybe staying out here was not such a bad thing after all. Bringing four eggs inside, I ran into Dad who was coming back from work.

  He looked at me like I was broken and needed to be fixed and handed over a small bunch of fl
owers with a smile. “You look better today. Feeling well?”

  “Well, I haven’t cried.”

  “Good. I hate to see you cry.”

  That was what Griffin used to say, but he was the one who always put the tears in my eyes.

  I inhaled the smell of wildflowers and smiled. “Thanks, Dad. Mum’s inside.”

  “Give me a few minutes with her alone.” He winked, and off he went inside the house.

  Gross. The image of my dad feeling up Mum was disgusting and uncalled for. So, much to his annoyance, I walked in and cock-blocked him. He glared but said nothing as Mum laughed. She kissed him on the cheek and whispered something in his ear that made the glare disappear and a smile form.

  As much as I hated seeing them flirting, I could not help but want that when I reach their age. It was something to look forward to, I guess.

  The cake was amazing. I should know. I cooked and then ate it with Dad. It was just us with two forks and big appetites before we had dinner. I wanted an early night but ended up falling asleep playing Candy Crush on my phone. It was so addicting but also very annoying when I get down to the last life and have to wait a freaking hour to play again. So, like any normal human, I moved onto Fruit Splash and then Farm Mania. In the middle of a game, Harvey called with a cheery hello.

  “What’s got you so happy?” I asked, checking the time on my alarm. It was late.

  I could hear his smile when he spoke. “I’m on your next shift. Plus, I wanted to hear your voice before I fell asleep.”

  Bloody hell. Why could I not love him? He was sweet, caring, and gorgeous to boot. “Guess who just came to the café?”

  My heart almost stopped. “Umm, I don’t know. Tell me.”

  “Karen.” He snorted, and I began to breathe again. “She was pretty mad and asked for you.”

  Okay, now my heart was back at pounding against my chest. “What did she want?”

  “Just wanted to know if you were on tonight. She left when she was told no.”