Breaking Old Habits

by Melissa Bender

  I exclaimed, “Griffin, not cool.”

  “I thought it was a boy. I was sure of it.”

  I started to stand up. “You are unreal.” Betting on our child? How could he? Actually, it did not surprise me one bit, really. “I should have made a bet with you also then.”

  I felt his presence following behind me as I walked down to our bedroom. “Well, what’s the name?”

  “Hmm, how about you bet on that and lose some more money?” I grinned, flashing a smile over my shoulder at him. “Anyway, I think I like, Harper.”

  “Harper?” he repeated, sounding unsure. “Okay.”

  He did not like it. “We can think of some others later if you don’t like it.”

  “No, I like it.” He smiled warmly. “Harper James.”

  “Good, because I wasn’t changing it.” I winked as I pulled up my tank top and tossed it in the clothes basket, changing for a shower.

  “Will your tits shrink again?” he asked, walking straight towards me, preying on my chest with open palms, and gently squeezing.

  “What if my water breaks during sex?”

  His face scrunched, then a smile crept over. His eyes danced with mischief. “Well, I guess it’ll be no different to you squirting.”

  It was my turn to pull a face. “Gross.” Pushing his hands away, I went into the wardrobe to grab another top. “And for your information, they will shrink, so enjoy. You won’t get to see them this big again.”

  “Well, not until I knock you up again.” He peeked in the walk-in and stood there, watching me change.

  I shook my head but could not shake it fast enough. “No more.”

  “What? No, you don’t mean that.”

  I laughed humourlessly. “Yes, I do. I am fat, tired, and aching all over. I’m not having any more.”

  His smile dropped, and his eyes shot me a glare. “Yes, you are. She needs someone to play with, so get used to the idea of another—”

  I cut him off. “Griffin...”

  “Ayla, it’s going to happen. Deal with it.”

  As soon as he walked away, I let out a frustrated scream and finished pulling the top back on. He was not the one who had to give birth or grow a baby. No, he got to keep his body and shape. I was the one dealing with uncontrollable discharge and morning sickness all day.

  I went to yell that out to him when I heard the doorbell ring and voices at the door.

  Maybe I could just ignore them and go back to bed. Yeah, tough luck on that.

  Samuel and Mack were on the couch watching a movie as Toby rode his BMX bike around outside. His parents were still here hours later with no intention of leaving. There was not one question about the baby, and whenever it was brought up by Griffin, they shot him down. Not so much his dad, but more his mother. She just glared at my belly.

  Poor baby. She had done nothing to her. At least I was taking care of my baby way better than Karen had done.

  “Oh, no. I’ll do that,” I told her, standing up as she went to clear the table. “I’m sure you want to catch up with Griffin.” My back was aching even more, but I managed a smile and reached for the stack of plates to pick them up.

  “Ayla, leave them.” My overprotective husband warned me. “Sit and take it easy.”

  I halted, shooting him a glare. “I can manage.”

  “Leave them.”

  Why was I so annoyed at being told not to do anything? I should be loving it, but I was not. I felt agitated, annoyed, and really sad. Yes, my waterworks were coming on, all because he told me to not to do anything.

  He noticed my eyes blurring and sighed softly. “Sweetheart...”

  “I’m okay.” I turned my eyes to his parents. “Hormones.” I did not really know how else to explain it.

  Paul smiled, looking slightly uncomfortable. It was annoying.

  “Teresa,” I began. “Look, I’m heavily pregnant. It’d be nice if you could acknowledge it.”

  “Dear... Oh, it’s not that. We just feel… Well, we feel guilty.” Her voice wavered. “We can’t possibly be mad about the baby. It’s wonderful, but we just.”

  Griffin stood up and glared. “What would you feel guilty for?”

  Had I passed out? What the heck was happening? I felt in the dark with this conversation. What would he be so mad for? It did not make any sense.

  “We didn’t know she was hurting the boys. We would have never helped her otherwise.”

  My eyes widened, looking at Teresa as my mouth began to open.

  Griffin’s voice made us all jump. “You got her that lawyer, didn’t you?”

  Everything soon began to unravel. His parents tried explaining how she came to them in a state of panic, fearing that she would lose her children, and somehow convinced them that she could take better care of them than their own son. His parents saw how hurt and miserable their son had been when we came to visit, and all along, they knew everything.

  They helped her take the kids from us, from him.

  “Please, leave,” I said softly, standing up. “It’s time you both go.” I could not hear anymore and did not want the boys to either. They would feel more than betrayed.

  “Ayla, please…”

  I rubbed my lower back. The aching intensified as I gritted my teeth and ignored it. “Please, you and Paul should go.”

  “Ayla…”

  I could tell by his tone that Griffin was worried. “I’m okay. Just need a hot shower.” For like, an hour.

  “I can’t believe you two watched how much she fucked up our lives, and you knew all along. You handed my kids to that bitch for them to get beaten!” He was seething with anger, pacing as he looked at his parents in horror.

  “We know...” Teresa wailed, moving closer to him. “Do you think we don’t regret it? Every day. Oh, Griffin, we regret it every day.”

  “You fucked up, Mum. Big fucking time.”

  I was frozen to the spot, unable to move as I felt a stabbing pain hit my lower back. “Griffin...” I breathed out, trying to hold my breath.

  No one heard me.

  “Griffin, we’re sorry! Please, son. You have to see it from our side.” Paul started, pleading.

  “Griffin...” I tried again. My stomach was beginning to cramp up. “Baby…”

  “No. I’ll never understand. You paid her a good fucking lawyer and left your son to fend for himself.”

  I could not hold it in any longer. “I’m in labour! My water just broke.”

  Not the best way to go about things.

  All eyes were on me. The three of them looked stunned as I stood there, tears streaming down my cheeks and water running down my thighs like I had just wet myself. This was it, what we had been waiting for, and now I was terrified.

  “Are you sure?” he asked, looking completely freaked out.

  “No, dickhead. I’m wetting myself for the fun of it.” I could not believe he asked that. “I’m having contractions. Get the kids. We need to leave.”

  Our bags were already in the car. His parents offered to stay at the house with them, but he refused. So, they were in the waiting room with the boys and Sam while I was hauled off and hooked up to an IV drip, stripped naked in a gown, and laid on a bed, groaning in agony.

  Griffin walked in looking like a ghost and stood by the door. “I’m terrified.”

  Now he decided to admit this. Mr, who was so excited for the baby to be here, now decided to tell me he was scared. “You have to be kidding me.” I was the one who was terrified.

  “No, Ayla. I am fucking scared right now.”

  I rolled my eyes. “Well, maybe just do whatever you did with the boys when they were being born?” He had to have some clue. “I’m new at this.”

  He shook his head. “Ayla…” His voice dropped as he made his way over, shame and regret filling his pained expression. “I didn’t come in the room when she was in labour. I waited outside.”

  “And you tell me this now?” I snapped, reaching for his hand and squeezing hard. “Ho
w… I mean… Ahh, shit. This hurt so damn much.”

  “I never wanted them, so I didn’t really come to any appointments or anything.”

  “Of all times. You could have told me this like, I don’t know, yesterday maybe? Not while I’m almost a fist dilated.”

  A soft chuckle came from him, and his hand rubbed soothingly over my belly as I laid there trying to focus on my breathing. “I love you. Can I get you anything?”

  Throwing my head back on the pillow, I began to cry. “I want the drugs. Get me the drugs!”

  ***

  Thirty minutes later, I had pushed out an echidna. Kidding, but it felt like that.

  I was completely in love as I held my crying baby daughter in my arms with my husband passed out on the bed beside us. Yes, he fainted when he took one look at the placenta and dropped down like a drunk man passing out.

  I laughed quietly to myself. He can fuck me with a period, but as soon as he saw blood, he was out like a light. I was so glad the nurse was taking photos and videos for us.

  “That’s your daddy over there,” I whispered as the doctors cleaned me up down there. “He’s just having a nap.”

  I was too focused on her to notice the needle and stitch they were about to insert—her big eyes, dark hair, and perfect pout. I finally got that feeling, the feeling of having my own child and being so immensely in love that I would do anything for her. I loved the boys, but I did not ever get to experience this moment with them.

  My whole world would revolve around her. Everything I would now do was for her. I was a mother, and it was the most incredible experience of my life.

  “She’s perfect.” I heard a whisper from beside me. Griffin was on his feet as he slowly walked to the chair beside the bed. “She looks just like you.”

  I smiled, looking up towards him and meeting his gaze. “Thank you,” I whispered.

  He frowned, looking confused. Maybe he was still dizzy from the blackout. “For what? You did all the hard work.”

  Shaking my head, I melted against him as his arms wrapped around me. “For letting me have this, for being able to experience what it’s like to have a child of my own.”

  He looked down, understanding fully what I meant. “I should never have made you promise something like that. I don’t deserve you, Ayla, but I’ll earn your love every day.”

  “I love you, and you deserve that.” I smiled. “You and the boys deserve to be loved, and I will show you that every day.”

  “You’re beautiful.” Leaning in, he pressed his lips against mine. “I’m sorry for passing out.”

  I laughed against his lips, murmuring. “Don’t worry. You can make it up to me with the next one.”

  His brows raised. “Another one?”

  “Oh, yeah. I want more...”

  “One, right? How many are we talking about here?” His tone was low. It almost made me laugh.

  Shrugging, I looked back to our daughter. “I’m not sure yet. Harper needs some brothers and sisters.”

  “Ayla, how many? You can’t just say that. Jesus.”

  I knew he was beginning to panic, and that made all the more fun taunting him. “I don’t know. I’ll let you know when I’m done.”

  “You said no more this morning. What changed?”

  “Holding her in my arms, that feeling of explosive love I just experienced. I feel like I was born to be a mother, and it’s crazy. I really can’t wait to have another baby with you.”

  His smile grew, and he reached over and taking our daughter from my arms. “Yeah, I get that. I think we should introduce her to her two older brothers now, though. I’m sure our parents are hanging out to meet this beauty as well.”

  I agreed, then realised I was still all naked and gross with a doctor staring at my vagina. “Just wait until we’re in the room, and then we can get them all in.”

  He nodded, sitting down and rocking Harper close against his chest. “I love you, my two girls.”

  EPILOGUE

  I looked at the woman opposite me. Her hair was longer and untidy. I could not tell if she had lost weight, but she did look awfully thin with that face. Her eyes just shot daggers through my skull.

  “You called me to come here. If you’re going to sit and glare, then I might as well turn around and go home.” I began to stand, but she shook her head, pleading with me to stay. Sitting back down, I sighed. “Karen, what do you want?”

  Call me crazy for coming to visit this woman alone, but what else was I supposed to do when she called, begging me to see her. Ignore her and tell Griffin? No, I had not told him that I was here.

  The good thing about having a baby? I could just tell him I had a doctor’s appointment for the pill.

  Karen slid over a piece of paper and shrugged. “I know it’s late, but if you want them so badly, have them.”

  My eyes stayed glued to hers. “Why now?”

  Shrugging once more, she licked her lips and dragged her fingers through her hair. “I’m not getting out of here anytime soon, and when I do… they won’t want to see me.”

  True. “Are you okay in here?” I asked her softly. It was probably the most civil conversation she and I had ever had. “I mean, you aren’t fighting anyone, are you?”

  Smirking, she winked. “No one fucks with me. You should know that.”

  I bit my tongue and nodded. “Good. I guess that’s a bonus.”

  “Look, Ayla, you can fuck off now. You got what you wanted, and I heard you had a baby a few weeks ago. Congrats, you got the family you always wanted from him.”

  “Not from him, Karen—” I took the piece of paper and stood, looking her dead in the eyes, “with him.”

  Turning away, I headed for the doors with happy tears filling my eyes and a huge smile plastered across my face. This was the last I would ever have to see her, and it made me so damn happy.

  ***

  I did have to see the doctor for birth control—the mini pill—because I was still breastfeeding and planned on doing so for quite some time. After the doctors, I headed on home. I could not wait. I missed them terribly and wanted nothing more than to hug my babies and smother my man in kisses.

  Pulling down the drive, Griffin was at the window, holding Harper and pointing out towards me. He was an amazing father.

  I tucked the piece of paper in my back pocket and made my way up the deck to them. He opened the door and greeted me. “Hey, Mama. We missed you.”

  I smiled even more as Harper nodded, holding her arms out for me to take her. “Mama,” she said and snuggled against my side, tucking her head underneath my chin.

  “Did she have her sleep?” I asked, walking into the living room after I had kicked off my shoes.

  “For a bit. She woke not long after you left.” Griffin sat on the floor and began to pick up the toys scattered in front of him. “You’d think she’d have kept her good sleeping routine.”

  I laughed, lying back on the couch. “I know. At least we have another good little sleeper, though. I’m tempted to go in there and pick him up.”

  “Ayla, we both know better than to wake a sleeping baby. Leave him.”

  I grinned, poking him with my toes. “I missed him. He’s so snuggly, though.”

  “Oh, dear. So when are we trying for number three?” He laughed, shaking his head.

  Eyeing him, with a grin. “Maybe I’m happy with two. I could be done.”

  “Tough I think one more. When he’s eight or nine months, prepare to be pounded into pregnancy.”

  “I love how you’re so romantic with your words. One more, that’s it, and you’re getting the snip.” I promised. “Now, what have you two been up to?” I asked, kissing Harper on the cheek. She was so beautiful and cuddly.

  He went on, telling me about their game of chasings and then how she did a wee on her potty, which he gave her a bag of chips for. He was a really great and fun dad. He was so hands-on, and it made me fall in love with him all the more.

  “How was the doctors?
Are we right to, you know?” He smirked, watching his words around our daughter who already liked to copy us.

  I nodded. “We’re good to go, but I have to tell you something else first.”

  His eyes narrowed. “If you tell me you’re pregnant from me blowing a load over your pussy the other night, then I’m sorry, but I won’t believe you.”

  I burst out laughing, hard enough to scare Harper. “No, I’m not, and you can’t say that around her.”

  “Sorry, what is it then?” he asked. Harper climbed up onto his lap and reached for the wooden tea set mug. She loved to play that with him.

  Just as I went to open my mouth, a cry came through the baby monitor, and I jumped up. “I’ll get him. You keep playing dolls with Harper.”

  “You can’t keep that thing from me, Ayla. I’ll find out soon enough,” his voice called out. I just laughed.

  In the bedroom, the cries grew louder as I leant over the crib and picked up Oscar, our sleepy six-week-old baby boy. Gahh, I was still in newborn bliss from giving birth to him weeks ago. He took his sweet time arriving, not wanting to leave his safe, warm little home.

  Perching myself up on the bed, I unclipped my bra to feed, and his cries instantly died down.

  I stopped feeding Harper once she turned two, just before I fell pregnant with this little guy. We were definitely trying for him all day, night, and every chance we got.

  Toby was at college. It was hard seeing him go. He was striving each day. Who knew underneath his bad attitude was a really smart boy who worked hard. Mack was the same, and as much as he wanted to go work at Hogwarts, he ended up asking Griffin if he could come work with him at his architect studio, a surprise we all were not expecting.

  He and Samuel were still going strong.

  Griffin walked in as I laid a passed out Oscar back down in his Moses bassinette and came over to me. “Ayla,” he began. “Harper’s in bed. Now tell me.”

  “She asleep?” I asked, shocked.

  He nodded, undoing the top button of the jeans he wore. “Oh, yes. Now tell me.” Then he stopped and frowned. “Is this about Harvey?