Stay Awhile

by Gia Riley

  “I’m not making excuses, Garrett. I just feel so guilty. And I can’t figure out how to make it stop. I should be with Laney right now, but I’m too scared I’ll see Connor when I look at her. What kind of person does that make me?”

  “It makes you human,” he says as he picks me up and pulls me back into bed with him. I don’t try to fight him this time. I’d rather be in a warm bed than any place the rest of the world can see me.

  “It won’t always hurt this bad, Megs. I promise.”

  I’d like to believe him, but when I close my eyes, I can still hear Connor’s voice like he’s standing next to me. The little lisp he sometimes had when he was stressing and the way the right side of his mouth curved a little higher when he laughed; those little nuisances are still so fresh in my mind.

  What if ten years down the road I forget the little details I’ve always loved the most? What if my chest really won’t hurt this bad and because he’s not around for me to see or talk to, I start to forget him? How will I tell Laney all the incredible things he’s done if I can’t remember them the way I do right now?

  I’m honest when I tell him, “For now, I think I need it to hurt.” Because hurting helps me remember.

  “Take your time.”

  That’s what I should have been doing all along. “When can I get back in the house?”

  “I’ll hire a moving company to pack up your things. You don’t have to go back inside.”

  “I don’t want strangers touching his stuff.”

  What if they misplace something important or break one of his favorite things? It’s not like I can go back and find another one. Unless he’s looked at it or touched it, it would have lost all its meaning.

  And as stupid as it sounds, I want his pillowcase. Connor loved the smell of my shampoo and I loved the scent of his cologne. We would swap our pillows out every now and then to make sure his smelled like me and mine smelled like him. I loved that about him, the way he wasn’t afraid to let me know how much he needed me and craved me—even when he was sleeping.

  “I was talking about yours and Laney’s,” he clarifies.

  “My stuff doesn’t matter, but I want to go through his.”

  His lips form a grim line, but he doesn’t try to talk me out of it. “I think you should wait until after the funeral. After you’ve had a little more time to process things.”

  The grieving process isn’t going to make this any easier. All I can think about is Laney never seeing the inside of her bedroom again. Connor will never put her to sleep or read her a bedtime story again. He’ll never tell his little princess how much he loves her. What if she blames me for losing those things?

  “Laney’s going to hate me for this, Garrett.”

  “Laney loves you too much to ever hate you. When she called me, she was so worried about you—so scared that her mommy was sick.”

  “You talked to her?”

  “Yeah, she left me a message while I was in surgery. She thinks you’re sick and that we’re picking her up tomorrow morning once you’re feeling better.”

  Twenty-four hours. That’s all the time I get.

  Tomorrow morning, I’ll have to put my mom face back on and skip along the sidewalk like I have my shit together. I’ll have to sit Laney down and tell her that her father is gone. And I don’t have a clue how I’m going to do it.

  Megan

  GARRETT REACHES ACROSS THE CONSOLE and squeezes my thigh, trying his best to raise my spirits as we drive to Grace’s house.

  I thought about it all night, and I still have no clue what to say to my daughter. Too restless to get much sleep, all I did was toss and turn, waking up with nightmares.

  Normally, I dream about things that have already happened. It’s like I’m revisiting old times with people I love. And since yesterday, I’ve reconnected with Connor at the water tower, on our wedding night, and again on Laney’s first birthday. He’s been there every time I close my eyes.

  Around six this morning, things changed. I woke up with a dream so vivid, it hadn’t yet happened. It was Laney’s wedding, and Connor was walking her down the aisle. The most perfect summer evening transformed into the most magical night.

  I wanted it to be reality so bad that I woke up in a panic, sick to my stomach that Laney’s wedding is never going to happen the way I imagined it.

  I scared the shit out of Garrett when I flew out of bed and ran for the toilet, expelling the little bit of soup I managed to eat before bed.

  Garrett rubbed my back and begged me to let him tell Laney this morning, assuming that if he took some of the pressure off of me, I’d feel better.

  But I’m her mother, and I’m the one who should tell her the truth.

  Now, standing here in Grace’s driveway, the moment of truth has come. Once we walk through the front door, reality is going to slap us in the face the second Laney looks at us.

  Garrett takes my hand like he always does, and before I lose the nerve, I tell him, “I want to tell her alone.”

  He’s quiet as we walk up each porch step, no doubt focusing his attention on fighting the urge to tell me I’m crazy. I’m positive that’s what he’s about to do when he pauses with his hand on the door knob.

  “Garrett, please. Don’t try to change my mind.”

  “That’s exactly what I want to do, but I won’t. Not if this is how you really want it.”

  “It is. Thank you.”

  Before he lets us inside, he gives me the courage I need. “If you change your mind, say the words and I’m there.”

  “Okay.”

  Ready or not, Garrett pushes the door open and I’m so nervous, my legs start to shake. I hate how much this is consuming me and wearing me down. More than anything, I wish I was stronger—if not for myself, for Laney.

  Grace must hear the bells jingle on the back of the door because she rounds the corner with a hand full of Playdough. Looking back and forth between the two of us, I can tell she has no idea what to say either.

  The petrified look on my face must speak volumes, because she gives me a sad smile and tells us, “She’s in the playroom. Last door on the right.”

  I thought I didn’t want Garrett near me when I was talking to Laney, but now that I’m here, seconds away from telling her the truth, I realize I can’t do it alone.

  Before he tries to sit on the couch, I grab his arm. “Wait, Garrett. I can’t.”

  Like he thought this might happen, he takes my hand and squeezes it, never asking a single question.

  After a little encouraging nudge down the hallway, I manage to put one foot in front of the other. Once we’re a step away from the playroom, I peek around the door frame, watching Laney make a pretend meal with the food from the tiny plastic kitchen. She’s wearing an apron around her waist and going on and on about how she can’t cook too well, but she can open a can of soup.

  “She’s pretending she’s you,” I whisper to Garrett over my shoulder.

  Clearing his throat, he’s doing what I’ve done a million times in the past twenty-four hours—he’s just trying to breathe.

  Laney hears him and turns her head. She has the biggest smile I’ve ever seen on her face. “You’re all better!” she says with so much excitement I can’t help but laugh.

  I can tell how badly she wants to get up and run to us, but her casts leave her sitting on the shaggy carpet with her arms in the air, begging to be picked up.

  Garrett squeezes by me and with more joy than I’ve ever seen, he scoops her up and twirls her around. She tips her head back and giggles so hard she gets the hiccups.

  “I missed you, G,” she says with her arms wrapped around his neck. The little peck she places on his cheek, well that makes me die a little inside.

  Garrett glances at me with wide eyes, a little stunned himself. She’s never done that before.

  “Are you all better, Mommy?”

  “I’m not sick anymore, baby. I’m sorry I scared you so much.”

  She looks into my
eyes and says, “If you’re all better, why are you still sad?”

  I dig my nails into my palms, trying harder than ever not to cry. “Laney,” I whisper, when the rest of my voice fails me. “Mommy needs to talk to you.”

  “Okay,” she says. “What’s up?”

  “It’s about Daddy, sweetheart.”

  Garrett sits down in the rocking chair in the corner, with Laney on his lap. I’m glad he’s staying because she doesn’t look like she wants to let go of him.

  “Is Daddy here to see me, too?”

  I shake my head. “No, baby. Daddy was having a tough time after he got sick. You remember he had to go to the hospital for a little while. Well, he had to go someplace else after that.”

  I quickly figure out how I want to word this next part, because she doesn’t know he was never sick or that he was just drunk. She also doesn’t know he wasn’t in the hospital all this time, or that he was ever in jail.

  “Where did Daddy have to go?” she asks, curiously.

  “Baby, he had to go to a place where there’s no sickness and there’s no pain. He’s in a place so special, we all pray we can go there someday.”

  “Did he go to Disney World to see Mickey and Minnie without me?”

  I bite my tongue because I wish it was that simple. “Not Disney, Laney. You’re right, that is one of the happiest places on earth, but where Daddy went, it’s called heaven. He’ll get to stay there forever now, but he’s always going to be thinking about you and wishing he was with you, instead.”

  “Can I call him in heaven?”

  “Heaven doesn’t have phones or computers—not even TVs. It’s just happiness there. That sounds nice, doesn’t it?”

  “Yes,” she whispers. “I want him to be happy.”

  “Me, too, Laney.”

  “Why didn’t Daddy come see me before he left? I didn’t get to say goodbye.”

  Neither did I, sweet girl.

  “He couldn’t come here, Laney. Before he left, he told me how much he loves you and how much he will always love you. He wanted you to know that and make sure you never forget it.”

  “Did I do something wrong?”

  My hands are shaking, but I still lift one and hold her sweet face in my hand. “No, you did everything right. You’re such a good girl.”

  Laney’s tears start to fall and Garrett clutches the arm of the rocker. He wants to be done with this conversation as much I do. Until I get everything out, I have to keep going.

  I can’t tell how much she understands, and I expected her to cry, but when she says, “I didn’t tell you, Mommy. Daddy told me not to,” I realize she thinks he left because of the secrets he forced her to keep.

  She thinks he did this because she was bad.

  “Daddy told me not to tell you, Mommy,” she says again as she cries.

  Garrett lets go of the rocker and pulls her against his chest, letting his shirt absorb her tears. “What did your Daddy tell you not to say?” he asks her.

  “Daddy said if I told, he’d have to go away for a long time. I didn’t tell, but he still left.”

  The secret.

  We knew this would come back sooner or later, when she was ready to talk about it. We’ve been giving her time to figure out what it was she wanted to say, never once pressuring her before she was able to talk about it.

  I guess I figured when she was ready, she would open up and talk to me. Now I realize I should have pressed her the second she mentioned it. But at the time, I was still trying to figure out so much of my own shit, I was the one who couldn’t handle more—not Laney. Laney desperately needed to be set free.

  Garrett gives me one look and I let him handle it. Mostly because I don’t have the strength to ask her myself.

  “Laney,” he whispers as he dries her tears, “your mommy is right, your daddy loves you a lot. He wouldn’t want you to cry and he wouldn’t want you to hold onto any secrets that make you sad. He’s not mad at you, I promise.”

  “When will I see him again?”

  “It won’t be until you’re a lot older, but you will see him again someday. Until then, you can talk to him whenever you want because he’s always listening. You can color pictures for him and hang them on the wall. Maybe you can even visit him in your dreams. But no matter where you are, he’s always going to love you.”

  Her chin quivers and she tilts her head to look into Garrett’s eyes. “If I have a daddy in heaven, can I have another one that will play with me here?”

  Not wanting Garrett to try to answer this one, I take her little hand in mine, devastated that I have to tell her, “No.”

  I take a deep breath before I try to explain it to her in a way she might understand. “Laney, that’s not how it works. You can have lots of friends, but there’s only one daddy who made you and put you in my belly.”

  She nods and I can see the wheels turning in that adorable blond head of hers. At first I don’t follow when she holds out her hands like she’s showing me her pink nail polish. That is until she says, “But I’m already made, Mommy. A new daddy wouldn’t have to do that part. He’d just play with me.”

  I have no idea what to say to that. In theory it’s the simplest solution in the world. At her age, someone to play with is all she thinks she needs. That’s what makes her the happiest.

  Because I can’t hurt her more than she always is, I tell her, “Maybe someday, sweetie.”

  That little bit of hope has her raising her head off Garrett’s chest. Smiling, she turns to him and says, “I pick you, G.”

  Megan

  “DO YOU WANT TO GO to the Disney store and pick out a princess dress?” I ask my daughter who’s about to bust at the seams if she doesn’t get to spend some of the birthday money that’s been burning a hole in her little pink purse ever since she got it.

  “I want something special, Mommy,” she tells me. “Something nobody else has.”

  “What about the little teddy bears you can stuff. How about one of those?”

  Laney looks toward Connor, hopeful for one of his suggestions, but his face is buried in his phone. He’s no help at all today. I see her disappointment when he continues to give all his attention to someone else.

  Just as she looks away from him, lightning strikes. Her eyes light up and she bounces on her toes. “I got it!”

  “Where are we going?” I ask as she tugs on my arm, leading me in the opposite direction. We’ve been to this mall so many times, even when we just walk around and get lemonade for something to do on a rainy day, that Laney knows the layout like the back of her hand.

  Her curls bounce and she says, “It’s a surprise,” with so much enthusiasm, she’s attracting attention.

  Connor and I follow her all the way to Picture Perfect where she proudly stands in front of the store.

  “This is what you want?” I question. “Your picture taken?”

  Opening her purse, she pulls out her sparkly wallet and hands me a wad of bills. “This is it, Mommy. I want us to get our picture taken so I can keep it forever. Nobody else will ever have a picture like this one.”

  Laney’s always been my creative old soul who thinks with her heart and heals with her kindness. She’s thoughtful, puts others above herself, and wears her heart on her sleeve. When she’s sad, it’s written all over her face, and those who notice will do just about anything to get her smile back, that’s how special it is. When she’s happy, it radiates from her like a bright sunny day, and those are always my favorite days.

  When I turn around to see what Connor thinks, he’s leaning against the fountain wall, still typing away. He’s says it’s business, but he’s never worked this much on a weekend before. I so badly want to pull the phone out of his hand and beg him to pay attention, but I know better than to get in the middle of his work. It’ll only ruin his mood completely, and this should be a fun day for our little girl.

  Laney doesn’t wait for me to get Connor’s attention though. Instead, she walks over to him and tugs
on the corner of his T-shirt. “Daddy,” she says in a voice smaller than she’d usually use. “Will you get your picture taken with me and Mommy?”

  “Me?” he asks as he looks at the sign above the store. “This place is for kids, isn’t it?”

  It is, but they’ll do whatever you want as long as a kid is involved. I’ve had Laney’s holiday pictures taken here every year since she’s been born. She’s always loved having her picture taken.

  Laney’s eyes fall to the floor, like she’s bracing for him to tell her he won’t do it. As usual, I step up, desperately needing him to go along with her plan. “Connor, this is what your daughter wants.”

  Finally, he tucks his phone in the back pocket of his jeans and says, “If you say so, princess.”

  Instantly, her smile is back. The little bit of approval she gets from Connor is all it takes for her to take his hand and pull him into the store behind her.

  Looking back, I can probably guess who was on the other end of those texts keeping him distracted from his family. Not a second of the conversation was work related. It was her. The woman I found in my home waiting for my little girl and husband.

  Now, as I stare at the picture of my family I still carry around in my wallet, the same one Laney has at home next to her bed and plastered all over the house, so much regret swirls around inside of me.

  Laney knew her Daddy was up to no good and she wanted this picture taken, because if she had it in her hands, it was like freezing time. No matter what was happening in the world around her, she could look at this shot and see us together.

  In her eyes, we’d never be able to fall apart. But time doesn’t stand still the way a photograph does. Since this shot was taken, we’ve managed to fall to pieces.

  “Are you okay, Megan?” Garrett asks from the doorway of my room.

  “She knew all along,” I tell him.

  With his hands stuffed in his pockets, he straightens and moves toward the bed where I’m sitting. He glances at the picture and asks, “What did she know?”

  “Laney knew what Connor was doing behind my back for a long time. All the guilt of keeping his secret was slowly crushing her, but she didn’t want to disappoint her daddy by telling me. And she didn’t want to make me sad.”