Rebirth

by Valerie Willis

  A flashback flashed in his head of Geliah’s iniquitous smile and glare at the restaurant when he became sick with fear.

  It wasn’t the fact that I saw him, but Geliah was who brought that strong feeling of fear. He controlled fear and therefore he could make someone fearless or fearful enough to be overwhelmed by it. This means Kyle could cause flames and make them go away. He could make a nuclear explosion disappear without a trace or cause one with the blink of an eye. In that case, what is my power and abilities? What can I do or take away from others? What did Rebirth do exactly?

  A knock at the door interrupted his thoughts. Slowly opening it, he felt unsure of who could possibly be visiting him.

  “Hey.” Jacob had a solemn look on his face as he stood there holding a container of leftover spaghetti. “Sorry about that. T-man can be harsh sometimes.”

  “What do you want?” Hotan huffed walking away from his door, allowing Jacob to come in. “I figured that was my cue that the conversation had ended.”

  “Just dropping the leftovers by, Annie was going to do it, but I volunteered. Felt someone owed you an apology.” He shrugged as he placed it on his counter shutting the door behind him. “Sorry about how sour things got at dinner.”

  “It’s fine.” Flopping on his couch, he returned his gaze to the ceiling.

  “Eh, Talib can be stubborn and he’s not the easiest guy to understand.” Jacob sat down next to him leaning on his knees. “I think this is the first time I’ve seen him act that way, towards you of all people. He’s been through a lot, seen a lot. Despite that, I just don’t know what is going on in his head. He has a plan I am sure of that much. Just what, I can’t say.”

  “What is it that he won’t tell me?” Taking advantage of a possible second chance for answers, “What am I expected to do in a year?”

  “Look, I would tell you, but it’s not my place to do so. I wasn’t the one who made the deal. It’s between you and him.” Jacob ran his hand through his hair, feeling wedged between the brotherly argument. “But I’ll do my best to do what I can for you. It’s a really shitty deal. You need help, you’re asking for it, and you deserve it. I can’t overlook that fact.”

  “That’s easy for you to say. I already know that I won’t be remembering anything. Maybe that’s why he’s acting so stiff about it. I think he knows that. If he does, he’s most likely lost on what to do. I guess I can relate, this looming darkness of not knowing where to go next.”

  “What makes you say that?” Jacob straightened his posture and looked at him. “You sound so sure.”

  “He said I was a Rebirth of the element itself.” He took a deep breath as he stared at Jacob.

  “You mean?” Jacob paused a moment as his face drained of color and his eyes widened. “He killed himself. He committed suicide! Are you sure?”

  “What?” Hotan glared at Jacob feeling the weight of realizing his situation was about to become worse. “Suicide? I, I never thought of it that way, but, I suppose using your own power to get rid of yourself would qualify as doing that.”

  Why did I not let the idea sink in that my predecessor killed himself to get out of immortality? Was it because the idea of immortals was still so surreal in my mind?

  “Shit, you have to realize we can’t die like normal people. It’s either we kill each other or somehow by our own hand. If we are still under the reincarnation spell, we’re mortals. I died from the flu once, but after that we are put back into existence as someone else in a new generation.” Jacob covered his face with his hands trying to calm himself. “But the only way he could do it was to create a new version of himself. Jesus, it goes against the teachings we’ve always lived and depended on. What happened that would make him choose to send himself down that path? Oh God, and Talib, if he knows…”

  “It was the only way for him to die.” Hotan rubbed the back of his neck, watching Jacob’s panicking body language. “We’re all in a lot of trouble, aren’t we? I mean, he did it to save everyone else. He was simply being a leader who cared for his people, right? What was he trying to achieve with that though, Jacob? I assume you guys might know.”

  “Don’t tell Talib.” Jacob shot him a fearful look. “No one, I mean none of us, would have let him do it if we knew he would die in the making, especially Talib. All Hotan had left of any family was Talib, and Talib was brave enough to be our guardian. Even knowing that his wife and brother would never be able to know who he was, for all eternity. At that time, he braved that decision for his brother. There’s something wrong, very wrong. I have no idea why. Everything Talib has sacrificed is going up in flames as it stands. This is too much. He went too far. If Talib already knows, then so be it, but let’s not break that news to him until we know for sure.”

  “What?” Wide-eyed, Hotan could feel the serious tone of the situation. “Why not? Shouldn’t we…”

  “It would absolutely break his heart. To know that his little brother took his own life, that he hid the fact that he wouldn’t be safe like the rest of us as promised. Talib has given everything to his brother.” Jacob wiped away a tear running down his cheek. “I can’t believe it. He’s gone, and now we have you being tormented by all of this, and no guidance as to what went wrong. Moreover, you, Hotan, I am so sorry this whole ordeal was left on your shoulders. I don’t even know how to help you. You’re just a kid. You don’t deserve having all of this fall back on you.”

  “What should I do then?” Vulnerable: it was the only sensation Hotan felt.

  “I have no idea.” Jacob sighed, standing up, trying to get rid of the uneasy feeling starting to overload him. “We’ll just play it by ear; it’s all we can do. Handle it one piece at a time until we can figure out more. Maybe one of us could use our powers to help somehow.”

  “What element are you?” No longer was Jacob the threat, but someone who was understanding of where Hotan stood.

  “Well,” Jacob managed to smirk, “Lust, of course.”

  “Lust?” Raising an eyebrow at him, he noted that Jacob was Annie’s new boyfriend. “Love, huh?”

  “Oh yea.” He winked at Hotan.

  “Every man’s dream, neh?” A coy smile crossed his face. “Make anyone fall in love with you at any given time.”

  “Well, not exactly.” Jacob walked over to the door. “But it comes in handy sometimes. I don’t take advantage of it, if that’s what you’re wondering. About Annie and I, she’s a great girl and I simply want to be there for her. Nothing beats the real thing kid, nothing. I should know, I did have my rotten times.”

  “Good to know.” No, he hadn’t used his powers on her.

  “See you later. I’ll get back to you if I figure something out.” Jacob walked out, giving him no chance to ask any more questions.

  Chapter Fourteen

  Once more Hotan laid on his couch staring at the ceiling. Desperately he was trying to let everything settle. After a few minutes, he noticed his radio was still on and tried his best to zone out into the riffs and lyrics. Feeling overloaded, he didn’t know where to begin with this whole situation.

  He committed suicide. If that’s the truth, then why was I able to dream about him? Then again, it was reincarnation of the element rebirth. Is it truly dying by rebirthing, reincarnating something? It is all confusing and it looks like things are just going to get worse. I have no one to go to or talk to. There is no way to explain it to anyone in order to get some sort of explanation. There are no answers for the millions of questions dragging me down. I could talk to Talib and Jacob, but they are nothing more than strangers to me. I can even go as far as blaming Talib for putting me in this horrible dilemma. It’s taking over my life. The life that I finally built for myself is being ripped away from me yet again.

  He was staring incessantly at the ceiling as if rummaging through the nighttime stars. His thoughts scattered so far away and out, no longer within his reach to be coherent even to him. It was hard to take everything in even after weeks of dealing with the idea. Every
corner that he turned only gave him the smallest morsel of a clue. Clues that left more questions about this surreal dimension he found himself now living in. Closing his eyes, slowing the flood he had created, he listened to the radio as it transitioned into another song.

  Stone Sour’s ‘Bother’ came to his ears. They were one of the many bands that he enjoyed listening to from time to time. Anything he could relate to or reflected his status was always a welcome. Lately, it was the only link he had to the real world anymore. If the song could still reflect the things he was experiencing, then he must still be in touch with reality. It was so hard trying to keep everything under his skin and pretend that he was okay, completely fine, with what was happening to him. He was the reason why everything turned out this way, yet he felt no responsibility for the events now playing out.

  Was there any difference in who I am and the first Hotan? Why is the finger being pointed at me for a crime I did not commit? My own creator is framing me, someone who I’ll never physically see, someone in which I have dreamed only once about. Even so, what evidence did I have of his existence? I am in my very own biblical story, but where is my place and what role am I to play? Am I the hero or prophet in this tale, or possibly, the fallen one, needing help? Am I the one seeking the light? Or, am I the dark one, sent to destroy what everyone grew to love? He shuddered at the idea.

  Rubbing his eyes with the bottoms of his palms, he rolled over to his side. Looking over at the stack of photo albums, he was frantic to stop the dark thoughts from resurfacing. Remembering he wanted to look through the albums, he straightened himself on the couch, pulling the pile onto his lap. Wiping the thick dust from the covers, he hoped to find some clue to who they once belonged to.

  As he made his way to the last album he paused, frightened by the nostalgic sensation that washed over him. This was his mother’s photo album. He remembered seeing it as a child. His mother would bring it out on those lonesome nights recalling a life she had tucked away. Taking in a deep breath, hesitating to open the heavy book. Forbidden, forgotten, by him this whole time until now. Weighing the emotions that had come over him, judging carefully, he was ready to open this monument of his mother’s life. With another breath, he opened the cover.

  A picture of a younger version of his mother with friends in arms was the first image displayed. Laughing as the picture was taken, it was nice to see her smile for a change. He found a sense of closure as he stared at her. Remembering how concerned and proud she was at everything he did.

  He would never forget that eerie knock on the door. It had startled him out of his sleep at 1:13 AM on that cold Wednesday night. His mom had just left for her night job. Wondering if perhaps she had forgotten something, or even her keys to the house, he opened the door. Two police officers greeted him at the door along with Annie who was wiping tears from her face.

  His heart stopped, his body shivered, and all he felt was pain. A pain that could not be described in any physical sense ravaged through him in that instant. There was no need for words, he knew. His mother had left him behind, alone. He had no one left, nothing left. Over and over one word echoed in his thoughts:

  ALONE

  A drunk driver had crossed into her side of the road from the opposite side of traffic. Considering the speeds involved, it was no doubt that anyone who survived the crash would suffer life-threatening injuries. She had died before they could get her out of the car that had crushed around her like a metallic coffin. He had fallen to his knees as his life sucked away from him in a matter of seconds. It had been a hard life with just the two of them, and now it was just him. A kid out on the street, with nowhere to go, no one who cared, all existing family diminished. He had no one.

  ALONE

  The next couple of weeks he spent a lot of time packing up his mother’s things, selling what he could to gain money to give her a decent burial and headstone. Luckily, Annie helped him out tremendously with some of the funding. He insisted that she not help at all. After that, he went to court to file for his own guardianship, but the result was an agreement to put Annie as his guardian.

  He managed to get a few small jobs near school. Took the city bus home or even walked on the nights that he worked pass the last run. After a while, he managed to get a small hand-me-down Yamaha motorcycle. Spent some of his sleepless nights fixing it up and repairing the odds and ends around the apartment. Paying back the money owed to Annie as much as possible. He was still living in an apartment in his complex, which Annie had inherited from her father.

  Two years later, he now had a brand new Suzuki motorcycle, a great full time job performing at a club, an amazing girlfriend and finally, a curse. His bad luck continued to give him a hard life that he was trying to escape. Things would pull themselves together only for something else to come crashing through, shattering the pieces of his life to a point that gluing them back in place was inevitable.

  Flipping through the pages, he continued seeing what looked like her high school friends. Images of cheerleading squads, various cliché groups in a cafeteria setting and even what looked like a drive thru movie scene. She was leaning on a black muscle car of sorts with the arms of a tall, well-built boy around her. It caught his interest, but it was faded in the corner and he could not make out the boy’s facial features. The next few pages were graduation photos with the grandparents he never knew. She was an only child and both his grandparents passed away before he was old enough to remember who they were. His chest tightened as he sped up his flipping of pages.

  Alone…

  He paused when he reached a group of pictures with just her and what looked like the boy in the earlier picture. He knew who he was. Hotan shared the same features with the dark eyed man: the jaw line, the build and even the solemn posture and tone he held in each picture. Whether he was smiling or not, he looked so much like him. He had jet-black hair and in the beach scene picture, he saw that he bore a tribal skull and cross bones tattoo across his back. This man left him and his mother behind. Never explaining who he was, his mother made it an obvious rule not to ask. This man had scarred her heart and ruined her life.

  Continuing down the timeline of photos, he found wedding photos with the two of them.

  She never told me they got married.

  It was a simple wedding, a few friends in an old small church with no signs of the heartaches to come. Soon he came across pictures of her pregnant. At this point, there were no more pictures of him.

  Did he really leave her because she was pregnant? Why would you marry someone and then just leave her to care for your son, alone? Shouldn’t it be a happy moment in his life? This must be the reason why she would never tell me. She was afraid I would blame myself. I was all she had and she could never be as cruel to accuse me for this, but it seemed as if she blamed herself.

  Slamming the book closed, feeling frustrated, he huffed looking back down at the photo album.

  Why did she keep this a secret? Where did he go?

  A paper slightly sticking out of the back of it caught his attention. Reopening the book, he found several pieces of paper. All of them returned letters where she had attempted to write to him. Among them was one bearing an unfamiliar writing. Promptly he pulled it from the pile. It was a letter from him:

  Sorry Loraine, I cannot stay any longer. I have failed you and myself and as for the little one to be, I thought it was impossible. I am unfit to raise a family let alone take care of you. Please forgive me for what I have to do.

  Love,

  I.

  That’s it! That’s all he left her with for a goodbye?

  Crushing the letter in his hand, he threw it across the room. Tears flowing down his face wouldn’t stop as the thoughts and memories rushed themselves upon him.

  I was the mistake and excuse for my father leaving. Why did she insist on still having me knowing he would leave? Why would something like this cause a man to walk away? Shouldn’t her pregnancy have been considered a miracle and not a curse? Especi
ally if it was considered impossible! I was a blessing and he threw it away and my mother with me. He’s right! He was unfit to take care of us! A man, no a father who was willing to leave his own child and lover to fend for themselves doesn’t deserve them in the first place.

  The album slid from his lap falling to the floor as he held his head in his hands to stop the tears. A chiming sound caught his interest as it hit the floor. He paused in his crippled state and stared down at the gold necklace baring a simple black pearl. Picking it up, he noticed the chain tugged away from the pages of the book that had kept it for so long. Never had he seen it before, but remembered his mother was always a fanatic for black pearls. This must have been hers. Unlatching the clasp, he put the necklace on. He had been forced to sell all her other jewelry, at least this one remained.

  Maybe it will bring me some luck for a change.

  The alarm screaming from the bedroom brought him out of his heavy sleep. Most of the night he spent boiling over everything and at some point he had dozed off. Changing into fresher clothes, he scrambled to school. By passing the fact he barely made it to the end of his first period class, he went from class to class oblivious of the world around him.

  Nothing mattered anymore, he had concluded his life was over. The lessons were irrelevant, no reason to uphold a conversation with anyone and he ignored the blur of life that buzzed around him. Most of the time he stared out the windows, his mind jumping back and forth from the dinner with Talib to the new information about his mother and his so-called father. He couldn’t decide which issue he should, more or less wanted, to think about.

  Walking into the principal’s office with heavy shoulders, anyone could see the vacant expression on his face. His body reflected the depression that had beset him overnight. Mr. Piedmont greeted him warmly but it failed to breakthrough. Disconnected with everything, Hotan couldn’t tell if the old man saw how he felt.