It was his mom, feeling fine enough to start in on a lecture about how he’d better be making it home to visit with the family for the New Year. It took forever to get her to accept that he’d be with Jun trying to keep his mind off the breakup with Rumiko ‑‑ which of course led her into a tirade about how he needed to find himself a nice girl and give her grandchildren. “Mama, I have to go. I love you. Goodbye.”
Taking a deep breath and tamping down the frustration he felt on so many levels, Koji headed back to the spring. He stopped inside the small wooden bathhouse and stripped off his wet boots and jacket. Still in his robe, the plastic bag stuffed into the big pocket on his hip, Koji opened the narrow door to the spring outside and froze. Jun sat on the man-made ledge bordering the spring, his robe hanging completely open down the middle. He was masturbating.
Koji shut the door but did not close it ‑‑ he couldn’t even if he tried.
Jun jerked off with long, lazy strokes, the motions of his uninjured hand not quite as dexterous as his right hand would have been. His eyes were closed, his head tilted back as his hand moved slowly over his shaft. Steam swirled around him as the cool air touched the surface of the spring’s warm waters, leaving the exposed skin of his face, chest, and penis damp and glistening. Jun’s hand slid over the flushed organ, rubbing and caressing the full length as it jutted up from a soft nest of moist curls.
Koji leaned against the doorframe, his hand dipping inside the flap of his robe to grab his own erect cock. He wanted to feel Jun’s strokes on his own dick and wished more than anything that he could. Instead, he touched himself, doing his best to mimic Jun’s motions.
His desires pent up from his aborted attempt to do this earlier, Koji wasn’t able to match Jun’s leisurely pace for long. He clamped his eyes shut and bit his tongue to contain his groan of pleasure as he came in his hand. When he looked back out, Jun was pumping harder, the muscles of his shoulders and chest taut and tense, his small nipples hard and all but begging Koji to suck them.
Jun’s come slid over his fist, dotting his abdomen, but when he was done he didn’t have the look of a man sated. He looked almost embarrassed, still longing for a deeper release, and Koji pulled back, leaned his head on the doorframe, and felt ashamed that he’d spied on his friend this way.
A small splash sounded from outside, and Koji realized Jun must be splashing himself clean. Koji rubbed his wet hand across the back of his robe and stepped out.
“Hey, what took you so long?” Jun offered him a friendly smile, and Koji’s guilt worsened.
“My mom called,” he said quietly. He walked over and handed Jun the wrap for his bandages.
“I’m guessing what she said didn’t make you happy.” Jun’s smile faded into a look of concern.
Koji shrugged, a colder gesture than his friend deserved. “It’s nothing,” he said. “The same old stuff.” He stepped out of his robe and then bundled it into a ball that he left on the ledge before sinking into the warm water.
His hand wrapped in the plastic, Jun followed. “Tell me about it.”
“It’s stupid,” Koji mumbled, leaning his head back to rest against the wooden beam. “She’s upset I’m not spending New Year’s at home. She wants me to get married and give her grandchildren. You know how it goes.”
Jun splashed some water over his face and ran his fingers through his damp hair. “I love my kids, but that’s not always the answer to things. She should want you to be happy before anything and find someone you’re crazy about.”
“Yeah.” Koji sighed. He already had someone he was head-over-heels for, and it was killing him not being able to say anything. Why couldn’t he just be brave enough to blurt it out? A smile tugged at his lips. “I think the happiest I’ve ever been was back when ChildsPrey first started.”
“You’ve got to be shitting me.” Jun splashed some water at Koji. “We had some rough times just making ends meet.”
“Come on.” Koji grinned. “We didn’t have so much business stuff to worry about and things were wild. You weren’t punching mirrors back then, either,” he added teasingly.
“Shit.” Jun laughed. “You drive me crazy, Koj.”
“In the good way?” Koji asked, ignoring the little skip in his heart.
Jun rolled his eyes. “Most of the time.”
“It’s a start, right?”
Jun just laughed.
Koji slid beneath the water in an effort to hide his disappointment at what that laugh signified.
* * * * *
“Shit!” Jun shouted and swiped his hand across the low table, sending the sheet music flying.
Koji scrambled around the table to pick up the music, and his friend tried flexing his injured hand. “Hey, now calm down. You should bandage that again. You’re going to tear the stitches open.”
Jun pushed his guitar off his lap. It hit the tatami floor, making an unhealthy twang that vibrated through the small amplifier. He got up and reached for the last of the sake, taking a swig directly from the container. “It’s useless. I can’t play.” He looked at his hand as if it had betrayed him by allowing itself to be cut by the shattered mirror glass.
Frowning, Koji reorganized the sheet music and set it back on the table. “If you keep trying to force things, it’ll never heal. Don’t use it.”
Jun glared at him. “Coming up here to work on the song was your idea.”
“I know, but ...” Koji paused and took a calming breath. The last thing he wanted was for this to turn into a disaster. “I’ll play it, and you can mark the adjustments to the music as we go.”
Although Jun’s glare remained fixed, he nodded before taking another quick swig of the sake.
Koji took up Jun’s guitar and began.
“Stop. That’s not right,” Jun grumbled. “You’re playing too fast after the first bar.”
“But that’s what you did.”
“No, I didn’t.”
Taking another deep breath, Koji ran his hand through his hair. “Fine. I’ll go slower.” Koji began to play again.
“Now you have the fingering all wrong.”
“No, I don’t. This is what you wrote,” Koji said, pointing to the music.
Jun snickered.
“What’s so funny?”
“I must be drunk. That fingering comment sounded awfully dirty.”
Koji felt a rush of blood to his groin. He cleared his throat and nudged Jun’s arm. “Maybe you just miss all those great, old fanservice moments.”
Jun snorted again. “Nah. That’s Imai. He misses Toru sucking on his neck during the Death and Karma solo.”
Koji gave his friend a playful poke in the ribs. “Very funny. But, seriously, what if I strum while you use your good hand on the neck?”
Not giving Jun a chance to reply, Koji laughed and gave his friend another light nudge. “So, come on, let’s try it.”
Jun chuckled. “I’m going to have to drink a little more sake before you start sucking on my neck like Imai.”
Koji’s heart sank a little with disappointment at what that joking comment could really mean. Maybe Jun wasn’t into getting physical with guys anymore, or maybe it was just Koji he had the problem with.
“Not that, dumb-ass.” Koji forced himself to laugh it off. “Get real ‑‑ I’d have to be more drunk.”
“Better watch it, you’ll hurt my feelings.” Jun grinned as Koji dropped down behind him.
“Leader-sama never takes anything I say seriously anyway.” Koji chuckled half-heartedly.
“Forget it ‑‑ I need a break.” Jun dropped his pencil, then got up to go stare out the window.
Koji got up and grabbed himself a quick drink, draining the last of the sake in a long swallow. Shit, this was not turning out at all well, and they’d had such a great start, relaxing and joking in the hot spring and over dinner. He said nothing when Jun sat back down and pulled the guitar onto his lap, only to curse again when his attempt to play hurt his hand.
“Dammit!”
&nb
sp; “Wait a minute,” Koji said softly. “I’ll help you.” He knelt behind Jun. “Remember back in junior high when you taught me how to play?”
Jun snorted. “You sucked for the first three months. I thought I’d spend the rest of my life correcting your bad moves.”
He placed his left hand on Jun’s shoulder, then snaked his right arm around Jun’s waist to reach the guitar strings. “You keep time, and I’ll follow along.”
Koji had to close his eyes and calm himself when Jun touched his wrist.
“A little slower here like this,” Jun said softly, slipping the pick from Koji’s hand and attempting the tempo he wanted. He glanced over his shoulder. “Dammit, Koj, relax.”
“Okay!”
“What’s up with you?”
You do not want to know. “Nothing,” Koji mumbled.
Doing his best to relax, Koji finally got to the point where the music carried him away.
“That’s it,” Jun said. “Hell, yeah!” he cheered as his friend took the slower, pounding opening he’d written and slid it into a kick-ass solo.
“Wow.” Koji grinned, pretty amazed himself. He’d never been so carried away in a song before, feeling the notes a moment before Jun pressed them out on the frets and anticipating the changes almost subconsciously. “Where did that come from, huh?”
“It’s inside you, Koj.” Jun picked up the pencil, scribbled a few notes in the sheet music, and grinned. “You’ve been on rhythm guitar for the band for so long you haven’t tried doing anything different. You’ve got a soft touch with the strings.”
Koji nudged him in the back, embarrassed at the compliments. “Now who’s sounding dirty?” he teased.
“I mean it.” Jun leaned back into Koji, his voice serious. “I want you to do the solos at the upcoming concerts.”
“Hell no.” Koji shook his head. “I’m not the lead guitarist.”
“My hand’s messed up.” Jun held it up for emphasis. “I won’t be doing any solos for a long time.”
Koji rested his chin on Jun’s shoulder. “I can’t play your part in the concerts, Jun-san,” he said quietly. “It wouldn’t feel right.”
Turning a bit, Jun touched his hand to Koji’s, which still rested lightly on the guitar’s body. “You’re more than capable, and I want you to.”
“You’re sure?”
Jun smiled. “Positive.”
Koji was lost in the Jun’s sweet smile, realizing how much he’d missed seeing it. He was giddy from the rush he always got when playing, and without thinking, he kissed Jun’s cheek.
Jun’s back went stiff, and Koji pulled back, realizing what he’d done. “I’m sorry. I ‑‑ I didn’t mean anything. It was the sake,” he blurted out, untangling himself and scrambling to his feet.
Jun turned back to the music. “It’s good sake.” He shrugged, picking up the pencil again. “Heh. Maybe we need some more.”
Koji didn’t know what to think or say. He stood feet away, shifting his weight from one leg to the other. Jun kept his eyes on the sheets spread out around him, the thin, loose-fitting robe he wore revealing the tension in his shoulders. So much for seizing the moment.
“I, uh, I’ll go down and get some more,” Koji mumbled. “Sorry.”
“Forget it.”
“Sure.” Koji went to the bedroom and tossed on jeans and a shirt. He grabbed his jacket from the chair and told himself that’s exactly what he needed to do. Forget this crazy idea. When they were younger Jun had been a bit wild, but that was over. He’d been married, fathered two children. He wasn’t interested in a new relationship ‑‑ certainly not one with another guy.
“I’ll be back in a couple minutes,” he said, pulling on his boots near the front door of the cottage.
“Why don’t you call and have them deliver? It’s late.”
Koji looked at Jun, certain he saw regret in those warm brown eyes. “Nah, it’s okay. I need the air.”
* * * * *
Jun remained staring at the closed door long after Koji left. The cottage felt so empty now, the silence weighing down on him almost as badly as it had back in the house in Tokyo. He dragged his thumb over the guitar strings, listlessly strumming a set of unharmonious, ugly chords.
“Shit.” He set the guitar on the mat beside him and rested his head in the palm of his unbandaged hand. “What the hell is wrong with me?”
The whole point of this trip was to work on ChildsPrey’s music, a good distraction from the mess and loneliness in both their lives. In his own life, anyway. Koji had said he was thinking about getting close to someone finally. Jun had no fucking business acknowledging the growing attraction he felt for the other guitarist, especially not now.
Years ago he’d had his chance to make something with Koji. In a wild moment of passion he’d let the attraction he felt for Koji lead to sex, something he’d never done with another man since then. When Rumiko came along, he convinced himself she was the only person he loved, but maybe he’d been lying to himself all along.
“You’re a piece of work, Jun,” he said bitterly. “After that time you never gave him a second look that way, now you want to use him to ease your loneliness.”
* * * * *
Koji bypassed the onsen’s main building and walked down the hill into the small town. Reaching the nearest bar, he ordered a rum and coke along with a bottle each of sake and red wine to go. He sat nursing his drink until a group of college kids strolled in and recognized him. Forcing his best stage smile, he signed their autographs, chatted, and agreed to pose for a couple of pictures. He declined their invitation to party, saying that he’d only stopped for a bit on his way to visit some relatives.
Jun was busy scribbling away on a new piece of sheet music when he returned. He kicked off his boots, then let his jacket drop to the small bench beside the door. “Yeah, that solo of mine was crap anyway.”
Jun looked up. “What?” He shook his head as Koji came forward with the wine and sake. “It was great, Koj, really. I think we have a hit single on our hands.”
“Whatever.” Koji went to the mini bar and retrieved two water glasses, then uncorked the wine. “You want some?”
“No. Take it easy, okay?”
Koji smirked and sipped the wine. “I’m a big boy, and this is a vacation, right?”
Jun nodded and turned the papers so that Koji could see. “This has been running around in my head the past couple days. I think we could just leave it an instrumental unless Imai can come up with lyrics that will fit the tune.”
Koji went to get his guitar and plugged it into the mini amp, then began to play what Jun had so far. He took it a bit further, and Jun rushed to keep up with transcribing the notes that flowed through Koji’s fingers.
After a while, he just gave up and listened. The emotion behind each note in the fast-paced, complex picking pattern Koji executed without a single misstep hit Jun hard. He dropped the pencil and just watched Koji cradle the guitar against his body, his hand sliding up and down the neck to reach the frets or hit a harmonic. Each movement looked more like a caress, with Koji’s touch drawing out the music effortlessly. Jun imagined those hands touching a lover’s body the same way, giving pleasure and drawing out satisfied moans instead.
Jun licked his lips and looked away. He rested his elbows on his knees, eyes closed as the music washed over him.
When the last note faded and Jun realized Koji wasn’t going to continue, he stared up at the wood beams running across the cottage’s ceiling. “Forget this song,” Jun breathed. “We should work on the ballad. You’re feeling it tonight.”
Koji shook his head. “No. I’m not in the mood for that.”
Jun nodded. “You are. You definitely are.” Ignoring Koji’s lack of enthusiasm, he turned off the mini amp, then took the acoustic and handed it to his friend. Jun took his briefcase and pulled out a large, flat envelope. “Imai brought these over before he left for Paris. He switched a few of the lyrics and added a different chorus. All i
t needs is the music.”
Koji shook his head. “You do it. You’re the band’s leader. You write the big songs.”
Jun shook his head and took a sip of Koji’s wine. “You do the acoustic stuff; you always have.”
Reluctantly, Koji began to read the lyrics.
Void
World at your feet
Doors open wide
Meaningless shit
The praise that they throw
You swim in it, drown in it
Let it fill the void.
Alone in the crowd
Doors open wide
Slam them shut
Drown in the talk
Choke on the smiles.
Meaningless shit
Can’t fill the void
That kills you inside
Eats you away
Like cancer all black.
Doors open wide
World at your feet
Meaningless shit
Alone in the crowd
The void is your world
Deal with it now.
Damn that Imai for being “inspired” by his moodiness. He thought the vocalist had been joking that night at the bar when they’d been killing time after one of the concerts as the only single band members with no place to go.
“It’s a great song,” Jun said quietly.
Koji replied with a soft sigh, not bothering to look up. He strummed a few notes, but kept fumbling and stopping himself. “I can’t,” he said putting the guitar down. “I’m not into it.”
“You are,” Jun insisted. He stood. “I’m going outside for a smoke. I’m probably distracting you. Give it a try. Please.”
Koji frowned. “I’ll try, but don’t expect much.”
Chapter Four
Outside the cottage, Jun shivered in his robe. The cold crispness of the mountain air cut straight through the light silk. Jun stayed in the doorway where it was easier to keep warm, the smoke from his cigarette curling up around him.
Some snow had fallen since earlier in the evening, and the garden itself was covered in some of the downy whiteness. With the full moon overhead and the tall, two-story-high bamboo surrounding the cottage, casting blue shadows over walkways and benches, the scene had an ethereal quality. The nearest other cottage was half-hidden somewhere behind the bamboo, and the onsen’s main building wasn’t even visible from here. A few chords strummed on the guitar drifted through the door. The muffled notes carried a sad melody, adding to the beautiful, if not haunted feeling.
Winter Song Page 4
