If Jun didn’t know better, he would think Koji felt just as lonely as he did.
“Don’t fuck him up,” Jun warned himself. He finished his cigarette and crushed it out on the doorframe.
Koji paused when Jun entered, then began writing down the notes he’d played. Jun went to the kitchenette and fixed himself a cup of hot chocolate from the packets of assorted teas, coffees, and cocoa. “You want one?”
Koji shook his head and held up his glass of wine.
Jun took his cocoa when it was ready and went to toss another log into the fireplace. He settled down and watched the orange-yellow flames. Koji played a few more bars, changing things around here and there until he settled on a sound that seemed to please him. “Toru seems awfully happy,” Jun said, stirring the cocoa with his fingertip. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen him in such a consistently good mood.”
“I know.” Koji finished transcribing his note changes, then took his wine and a cushion and stretched out on the floor across from Jun. “I didn’t think things would work out between them, but the kid seems to be really good for To-chan.”
“I’m glad for them.” Jun sipped his drink. “Both men found happiness in each other.”
Koji nodded slowly. “They’re probably having a great time together now with the holidays.” He sighed and drained his glass.
“Hey, we’re not having such a bad time ourselves.” Jun lay back on the mat and propped himself up on one elbow.
“You mean it?” Koji sighed again.
“I do.” Jun licked his lips, hesitating a moment to make sure he chose his words carefully. “We haven’t done anything like this trip in years. I don’t think I’ve been a very a good friend to you, Koji.”
“Don’t say that. You’ve been busy as hell, especially the past couple years. The band has been busier than ever, and your family ...” Koji paused. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to bring that up.”
“It’s okay. I’ll always love Rumiko and the kids, but it’s time to let it sink in, I guess. It’s over. To be honest, when we weren’t in bed we were arguing most of the time since before Kaoru was born.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
Jun shrugged. “I don’t know.”
Koji finished his wine, then stood and went to the bedroom. He returned a moment later with a small, silver-wrapped package. He lay back down and slid it towards Jun. “Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, etcetera, etcetera.”
Jun stared at the package, surprised at first, though he really shouldn’t have been. Koji always did these kinds of things. Of all the band members, he goofed around the most, but never forgot a birthday or left a kind word unsaid when someone needed it. “You didn’t have to go to the trouble, Koji. Being here is enough of a gift.”
“With me? Hell, yeah.” Koji grinned and brushed away some of the long spikes of red hair falling in front of his face.
“Ha-ha.” Jun gave him a dry smile before a genuine chuckle worked its way out.
“I still want you to have it, though.” Koji rested his head on the inside of his outstretched arm. He smiled, the expression lighting up his eyes with the sincerity he felt in his heart.
Jun picked up the box, giving his friend a short, grateful bow. He fingered the wrapping paper, but set the package down before opening it.
“What’s wrong?” Koji blinked.
“You can’t tell the other guys because they’ll feel left out or some shit like that.” Jun laughed. “But I saw something when I bought the kids their presents, and it made me think of you.”
Jun got up and went to get whatever it was out of his duffle bag. The lights flickered as he returned to the main room. “It’s snowing pretty good out there. A couple inches fell since you came back with the liquor.”
Koji sat up. “The power might go out, but we have the fireplace and plenty of wood. It’ll be cool.” He handed Jun his present again. “Hurry and open it before the lights go for good.”
Jun pushed his gift to Koji. “No, you first. I have to see your expression,” he said with a grin.
Damn, but Jun was gorgeous when he smiled. “Okay.” Koji tore through the wrapping of the rectangular gift and laughed when he saw the picture on the front of the box. It was a very angry Godzilla. He lifted the lid to see a wind-up monster and a set of miniature houses, cars, trees, and people. Koji howled with laughter when he lifted one of the toy people that had clearly been stomped flat by the rampaging monster.
“I fucking love this!” He took the squashed man, wound up Godzilla, and then laughed again as the plastic man was crushed, and Godzilla fell over, his little legs moving as the wind-up mechanism wound down.
Jun laughed, too, and took a tree, then set Godzilla upright to knock it over. The monster fell again, eliciting a peal of laughter from both of them.
“I guess I know why this was on the sale table now,” Jun quipped. “Gojira falls over every time he smashes something.”
Koji wiped a tear from his eye. He hadn’t laughed so hard in he couldn’t remember how long. “This is great. Really.”
Jun smiled. “When I saw it in the store I remembered the way you used to torment your little sisters with their dollhouse.”
“I was a bastard the way I used to Gojira out on them, huh?”
“Yeah, you were.”
Impulsively, Koji leaned over and gave Jun a quick hug, pulling away when the lights flickered once more. “Open mine. Hurry.”
Jun undid the silver wrapping and opened the square velvet box. “Damn, Koj, this is nice.” He ran his fingertips over the gleaming platinum guitar pick pendant suspended on a matching chain. The design etched into the front was the very same skull design that was on the guitar picks he used on stage.
“Look on the back,” Koji said.
Jun chuckled when he read the inscription. At the top, going around the edge, was the name of the crappy band he and Koji had formed in high school: The Crushers 1993-1995. Along the bottom edge it read: ChildsPrey 1996-? And in the center was the inscription Kick-ass Leader-sama Forever!
“This is nice, Koj. Real nice.”
“Will you wear it?”
Jun nodded and began to remove the sterling skull pendant he’d gotten on their first trip to Germany. “I can’t get it with this bandage. Can you help?”
Koji hurried to assist Jun. He removed the old pendant, then placed the other around Jun’s neck, trying not to acknowledge how the brief contact with the soft skin of Jun’s neck made him feel.
The lights flickered, then went out, and Koji remained still, his hands resting lightly on Jun’s shoulders. “I guess they’re out for good now.”
“Probably,” Jun agreed.
Koji forced himself to move from behind Jun. In the soft, yellow glow from the fireplace, he moved the toy pieces and set them on the table with the sheet music. “I guess we should sleep out here where it’s warmer.”
“Probably. I’ll get the pillows ‑‑”
Koji stood. “I’ll do it. I have to change out of these clothes anyway.”
He went into the bedroom, leaving the shoji screen open to the living area. Koji slowly pulled his shirt off over his head, a heavy feeling settling in the pit of his stomach. No one could’ve asked for a more romantic setting, and more than anything Koji wished he could tell Jun everything. He glanced over his shoulder to where Jun sat in front of the fireplace, his body silhouetted by the flickering orange glow of the flames.
Annie-chan’s words about not missing an opportunity briefly ran through Koji’s mind. For a wild second, he imagined himself striding across the floor and dropping down next to Jun, taking him in his arms and kissing those soft, full lips.
Koji sucked in his breath as his cock responded to the mental image. He had to stop these thoughts right now. He put on a pair of drawstring pants and a long-sleeved t-shirt from their last tour, then carried out two pillows, blankets, and the thick, down-filled comforter.
“Move that skinny ass,” he teased, ki
cking Jun’s foot.
Jun scooted over, the firelight casting shadows on his face and highlighting the playful smirk he gave Koji in return. “And if I don’t, what are you gonna do, Gojira, stomp my ‘skinny ass’?”
“Maybe,” Koji said, dropping a pillow on Jun’s head. He spread out the comforter to use as a futon and unfolded the soft blankets, while Jun straightened the comforter and arranged the pillows.
It was still warm enough that they each let the blankets rest at their feet while they stretched out on the comforter. Jun lay on his side, looking at Koji as he stared up at the shadows dancing across the ceiling. The years had certainly been kind to him. He looked as he had when they were starting out, while Jun himself felt like a worn-out old man. Of course, the drinking and smoking he’d been indulging in since Rumiko had left hadn’t helped.
“Tell me about her,” he said finally, wanting to break the silence before he did something stupid.
Koji turned onto his side. “What? Her?”
“The girl. You said you’d found someone, but the time wasn’t right to get together ‘til now.”
“Oh,” Koji said, the good humor slipping away from his handsome features. “It’s nothing. It won’t work. I need to stop fooling myself.”
“How do you know that?” Jun raised an eyebrow. “Maybe you’re fooling yourself into thinking it can’t work, when it just might.”
Koji chewed on his lower lip. “No,” he sighed. “Trust me, I know.” A hint of sadness was in his voice.
Despite the loud warnings in his mind to be careful about what he wanted to do, Jun reached across the distance between them and gently touched Koji’s chin. “Hey, baka. You’re doing it again.”
“What?” Koji tilted his chin toward Jun, his lips drawing down into a frown.
“Not giving yourself enough credit,” Jun whispered. “It’s the same way you were about the guitar solo.”
Koji smiled, but the expression didn’t show in the mahogany depths of his eyes. “No, Jun-san, it’s different. The person I found doesn’t think of me in the same way at all. I’m a friend to this person, same as always. That’s all I’ll ever be. That’ll have to be enough.”
The sad resignation in his tone hit Jun hard. Of all the people he knew, Koji deserved to be the happiest. He was the one who always bolstered their spirits when they were tired from the road, or pissed at the critics, or fed up with fickle fans. Koji was the true spirit behind ChildsPrey, and they never really acknowledged it.
“But are you sure? Maybe this girl is shy. You’re a star, Koj. That has to be intimidating.”
“It’s not a girl.”
“Oh.” Jun let the uncomfortable silence fall over them, but he kept watching Koji as his friend turned onto his back to gaze at the ceiling again. But, dammit, he wanted his friend to be happy. Koji deserved it. He needed it, and now more than ever it seemed. “So this guy. Is he too straight to know a good thing when he sees it?”
Koji shrugged. “He’s not a homophobe, if that’s what you mean.”
Jun paused and tried not to get lost in the play of light and shadow on the planes of Koji’s face and body. It was the same when they were on stage, and Koji allowed himself the occasional solo. Damn, he was a sight to behold with the colored lights bouncing off his tall, lithe body.
“I tried to get close to him ‑‑ physically ‑‑ recently, but he wasn’t into it at all, so let’s drop it, okay?” Koji turned onto his side, facing away from Jun.
Jun sucked in his breath. Shit ... he couldn’t imagine the kind of rejection Koji must have felt when he was turned away. Especially if the guy was someone Koji had really started to fall in love with. “I’m sorry, Koj. I know how that can hurt.”
“It’s okay.”
Frowning, Jun propped himself up on one elbow. “The hell it is. The guy doesn’t know what a mistake he’s making. If things were different, I’d ‑‑” Jun caught himself just in time, the rest of his sentence stuck in his throat. I’d tell you how much I love you, Koji.
“I’d tell him he’s being a stupid prick,” Jun mumbled.
“If things were different, how?” Koji asked, turning back to face Jun.
“What?”
Koji propped up on his elbow. “You said, ‘If things were different.’ How? What if they were different?”
Jun cleared his throat, rubbed the back of his neck. “Well, I meant that if ... uh, it’s hard to explain.”
“Oh.” Koji nodded slowly before giving Jun a surprisingly hard look. “I still don’t get it.”
“I said it was hard,” Jun muttered. “Just forget it.”
“So if I told you who the guy is, you’ll go and tell him off?”
“Sure,” Jun said, actually meaning it.
“Then why did you say that about things needing to be different?” Koji insisted. Even with Koji’s handsome face half in shadow, Jun thought he saw the shine of a tear on the other man’s cheek. Aching to comfort his friend, he almost reached out to caress the side of Koji’s face, but hesitated.
“I’m not sure I’d be doing it for the right reasons,” Jun whispered. “Right now, I’m screwed up inside. If I wasn’t, I wouldn’t be as afraid of messing things up for both us.”
“There’s more to life than the fucking band, Jun. I know it’s important to you. It’s important to me. I’d be lost without it ‑‑ and not just financially ‑‑ but, dammit. You can’t put the band above all else all the time.” Sighing, Koji flopped onto his back. “But don’t worry. I don’t want you to tell anyone off, so it won’t go badly and affect the band in any way.”
Jun blinked, again surprised by the hardness in Koji’s tone. “What the hell?” He sat up, folding his arms across his chest. “The band doesn’t have anything to do with this.”
This was starting to sound dangerously like one of the many arguments he used to have with Rumiko. “Shit, Koji.” Jun rested his forehead in his hands. “I know there’s more to life than ChildsPrey. That wasn’t what I meant about screwing things up.”
“Then what do you mean, Jun? Tell me, because I’ve had enough shit from the world lately, and it’s making me a little crazy. Sometimes I wish we were all more like those American bands we toured with. They say exactly what’s on their minds and tell people how they feel, and fuck the consequences of offending anyone.”
“God damn it!” Jun lunged forward and grabbed the front of Koji’s shirt. He gripped the thin cotton so tightly it made his hand ache.
Before he could stop himself or even think, Jun pushed Koji down into the comforter, surrendering to the emotions swelling up inside and driving him over the edge of reason. He knew better than this; he didn’t want to hurt Koji anymore than he already had. But none of that mattered as Jun leaned over his friend and captured Koji’s lips with his own. He forced Koji’s mouth open, sucking on his lower lip with deep, hungry kisses and stealing the very air out of his friend’s lungs.
Jun pulled away, breathing heavily. “How’s that for fucking the consequences?” he demanded in a throaty whisper. “I could screw your brains out and love every fucking minute, too. What does it matter if you hate me in the morning?”
The silence was harsh; the only sounds in the cottage the crackling of the fire and their own breathing. This was exactly the fucking shit he’d wanted to avoid. Fuck.
“I wouldn’t hate you in the morning,” Koji said softly.
“What?”
Koji propped himself up on his elbows, bringing his face so very close to Jun’s. “I said I wouldn’t hate you if you fucked me senseless. In fact, I’d probably do the same to you.”
Jun could only stare as the words echoed inside his head. “You’re drunk,” he said finally. Looking away, he pulled a blanket over his waist to hide the erection throbbing between his legs. “Just ... never mind. I’m fucking everything up.”
Jun stared at the fire rather than meet Koji’s eyes. “There’s someone else who means more to you in your life. Screwing ea
ch other just to ease some of the loneliness I’m feeling isn’t going to make things better. I can’t hurt you like that.”
“You bastard,” Koji muttered between clenched teeth. His fingers brushed the pendant box and he picked it up and lobbed it at Jun’s head. He stood and glared down at his friend of fifteen years.
Jun sat up and looked at him, but said nothing.
“Why the fuck do I have to be drunk to say I have feelings for you?” Koji said loudly, his voice rising with each successive sentence. “Why don’t you just be a man and tell me you’re not interested. Be a man and tell me to my face that I don’t do it for you and never will. Fucking tell me you don’t want me as anything but a band-mate and let me get over it!”
“What?” Jun shook his head in disbelief. “The way I feel about you is unreal ... I ...” he stammered, trying to put into words the mixture of doubt and desire twisting his insides.
“Just say it!”
Jun couldn’t do anything but stare, any attempts to speak caught in his throat.
“Fine. Don’t even bother,” Koji said bitterly. “I get the picture.” He balled his hands into fists and then suddenly loosened them with a slump of his shoulders. “I can’t have your love, but I sure as hell don’t want your pity.”
Before he could step away, Jun reached out and caught Koji’s wrist. Their eyes locked for a moment as Jun rose to his knees and pulled Koji close. Jun touched his lips to the front of Koji’s pants just below the abdomen. He nuzzled the soft folds of the material gathered in a vee between Koji’s thighs; he kissed the thick base of the semi-hard cock and felt the body heat through the thin layer of cotton.
Tilting his face upwards, he mouthed the ends of the strings dangling from the waistband. Jun pulled apart the loose knot keeping the pants in place and slowly eased his hands along Koji’s hips to roll the material down. His next kiss was on bare, hot flesh.
Winter Song Page 5
