by Terri Reed
“You don’t have to walk me to the door, Josh. This isn’t a date.” She walked past him and up the stairs.
He stopped at the foot of the steps. “You’re right, Rachel, this isn’t a date. It’s a goodbye.”
Her heart twisted at the finality in his words. But saying goodbye now was for the best. She didn’t think her heart could stand this emotional upheaval anymore. She wanted her nice, controlled existence back. Wanted to be back where she knew what was what and had everything lined up with no risk of heartache. She needed the detachment that had served her well over the years. With supreme effort, she managed to sound cool. “Goodbye.”
Josh crossed his arms over his broad chest. “You’ll let me know how you’re doing when you get back?”
She arched a brow. “I thought you’d decided you couldn’t keep your promise?”
“Not while you’re in town.”
Her gaze lifted away from him standing there so closed off, and settled on the half-moon high in the sky. “I see.”
But she didn’t really. Was he having as much trouble keeping his heart from aching for her as she was for him? A small wry laugh escaped. Who was she kidding? Josh had made it abundantly clear he didn’t want her. Two days at the most and she could resume her life. “Goodbye, Josh.” She fumbled for her key.
Josh approached and she braced herself.
He laid a hot hand on her shoulder. “I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings.”
She closed her eyes against the soul-searing pain of his touch. “You didn’t.”
The denial rang false as she sniffed back tears. Where was her composure, her resolve not to allow him to affect her? She’d been away from her job too long. She wasn’t herself. This person who always seemed on the verge of tears wasn’t her. She feared she’d lose her effectiveness as a doctor if this penchant for emotions continued. She didn’t want to feel. She didn’t want to want him.
He turned her around. “Rachel, I’m sorry.”
She wouldn’t ever be able to forget him. He’d always been in her life, a shadowy figure that other men had fallen short of. Too bad it had taken until today for her to realize it. All this time she hadn’t wanted him to take root in her heart when he’d already been there. Angry with him, angry with herself, her temper rose. “Sorry you made a promise you don’t want to keep?”
His gaze narrowed before his face settled into that neutral expression she hated. He stepped back. The two-foot distance between them seemed as wide as California. He didn’t deny her accusations, didn’t defend himself. “God go with you, Rachel. I hope you find peace in your life.”
He walked down the stairs and was halfway to his truck before she managed to react. How dare he be magnanimous and wish her well. She’d find peace all right. God would see to that. As long as you aren’t in my life, Josh Taylor, I’ll be just fine.
As she watched him drive his truck away, she prayed she wasn’t deluding herself. She would be fine without Josh Taylor. She had to be.
The next morning as she watched the moving van being loaded with the items she’d chosen to keep, stark reality hit. With Mom G.’s passing, she mattered to no one. Rachel was truly on her own.
Who would claim any of her possessions as mementos of her life when she was gone? Sadly, no one. No one who would care. No one would mourn her passing. A desolate and vacant hole formed in her heart, making her acutely aware of how alone in life she really was.
After the van disappeared down the driveway, she entered the house to stare at the piles of stuff that would be donated to Goodwill.
So many things accumulated over a lifetime and yet, what value did possessions really have? Mom G. would be in heaven now; her reward for living a life expressing Jesus’ love would be a beautiful crown with many jewels upon her head. One of those jewels would be for Rachel, for taking in and loving an unwanted child.
What treasure was she laying for herself up in heaven? Saving the lives of people she didn’t know and didn’t love? There was merit in her work. But where was the love?
The stillness of the house, the tomblike quiet, made Rachel edgy. Even the exercises that normally calmed her mind and body did little to offer rest for her harried thoughts. She missed Griff, missed his generous affection and easy laughter.
She could admit that easily enough, though thoughts of Griff always led back to Josh. To the miniscule area that harbored feelings that weren’t wanted. To his stubborn refusal to give an inch toward accepting her need to be a doctor.
She resigned herself to knowing he would never comprehend what her career meant to her. And she accepted that Josh wasn’t to be a part of her life.
The next day, after the Goodwill truck had left and Mom G.’s house was empty, Rachel returned to her hotel. Restless, and needing to get out of the quiet hotel room, she donned the running shoes she’d packed and set out.
She worked up a sweat running on the country roads that wound around the town of Sonora. Her lungs filled with the smog-free air and her senses took in the scenic tranquillity of the verdant trees, foliage and quaint homes along the way.
She ran for hours, occasionally slowing to a walk to sip from the water bottle attached to her fanny pack, before resuming her heart-pounding pace, trying to outrun the memory of Josh’s goodbye.
Late in the afternoon, with muscles quivering, Rachel’s pace became a brisk stroll as she talked with God, asking for wisdom and guidance. Josh, doesn’t want me and I can’t walk away from the work I’m doing. Lord, I don’t understand. What is it You want from me?
Her heart beat wildly though the adrenaline from her run had long dissipated. She felt as if she stood on the brink of understanding and one little nudge…
She raised her gaze heavenward hoping for enlightenment and noticed that in the distance a discernible gray trail of smoke wound its way toward the sky. She frowned. Fire season had started early this year.
The beep of a horn drew her attention. Rod’s Buick pulled to the side of the street. He gestured to her.
“Hi.” The pleasure of seeing a friendly face gladdened her heart.
“Griff’s in trouble,” Rod stated tersely.
Apprehension uncoiled in her veins. “What’s wrong?”
“He got separated from his Boy Scout troop. They went hiking up at the lake and I’m worried.” Rod pointed toward the front window.
She lifted her gaze toward the rising smoke over the mountain ridge. Her heart pounded in her ears. “He’s out there?”
Rod nodded. “Will you come?”
Without answering she opened the door and climbed in. Dear Lord, put Your angels around Griff and keep him safe.
As the car sped away, Rachel tried not to think what would happen to Josh if he lost Griff, too.
Josh stared at the map hanging on the wall of the ranger’s station conference room. Several red thumb-tacks stuck out, indicating the locations of his crews. They’d been working furiously to contain the sudden heat fire that engulfed the woods around Cherry Lake.
He hated to think of the damage being done. The acres of trees and wildlife being destroyed. Beyond the destruction of the forest, he knew the fire might cause human fatality. The beauty of the lake attracted day hikers and backpackers alike. The search and rescue teams had been deployed.
These situations were never good when people could be trapped. Families out for the day, overnight hikers, scout troops—thank goodness Griff’s troop went to Pine Mountain Lake today—and teens. Teens like he and Rachel had been, seeking privacy for hot kisses and carving names into trees. Hopefully the fire wouldn’t destroy their tree. He grimaced at the use of the pronoun. There was no “their” anymore.
Back when life had seemed full of possibilities, they’d found a plateau overlooking the lake where a lone oak tree stood. Their spot, their tree. He’d carved their initials into the trunk.
The memory was bittersweet. He shook his head. He had no business letting thoughts of Rachel crowd his mind. They’d said their go
odbyes. He doubted they’d see or hear from her again.
Explaining to his son why he wouldn’t be seeing her again had been one of the hardest things Josh had ever done. Confessing to his boy that he’d basically forbid Rachel to have any more contact with Griff had put a wedge between father and son.
Josh could have blamed Rachel, could have told his son that she didn’t keep her promises, but he couldn’t. Not only was that untrue, but for reasons he refused to examine, he’d preferred his son be angry with him rather than with Rachel.
Griff would get over his anger and they’d repair their relationship. Someday he hoped Griff would understand why not having Rachel in their lives was for the best. Someday Josh would tell his son to be careful when he fell in love. He didn’t want Griff to make the same mistake of finding someone who would only commit to one thing—her career.
Rachel had called him chauvinistic. Was it chauvinistic to want to be loved passionately? To want to know that the woman he loved wouldn’t up and leave one day? He just wanted a wife whose love he would be sure of. He would never be sure of Rachel’s feelings because her devotion to medicine was all consuming. And even understanding her belief that she was doing God’s will didn’t make letting her go any easier. It made him admire her for her faith and obedience, and made him aware of his unworthiness to receive anything from God.
A commotion in the outer office brought his mind back to the problem at hand. Abruptly he turned from the wall and headed out of the conference room into the large lobby of the log-cabin-style ranger’s station. He stopped short.
Amid the chaos of people doing their jobs stood Rachel, wearing nylon jogging shorts and a tank top, talking quickly and gesturing wildly to Joe Leads, Timber Manager.
“What are you doing here, Rachel?”
At the sound of his voice her attention snapped to him. Her big blue eyes looked panicked.
Warily Josh moved toward her as she rushed to him. What would make her seek him out? Dread knotted his muscles. What would make her lose her control?
Chapter Eleven
She grabbed his arm, her grasp fierce and biting. “Josh, you have to come quick.”
Josh frowned. Concern overrode the shock of seeing her again. He fought it back. “Rachel, we’re in the middle of fighting a fire—”
“Griff’s out there,” she gasped.
Fear, stark and choking, seized Josh’s heart, but he tried to rationalize it away. “They’re miles from the fire. His troop went to Pine Mountain Lake.”
“No. Rod said there’d been a last-minute change in plans and he dropped Griff off at Cherry Lake this morning.” Cool, collected Rachel sounded scared. “The troop leader called and said Griff and another boy got separated from the group. Your dad went in after them.”
For a dizzying moment Josh fought the panic threatening to cut off his air supply. The world narrowed down to one terrorizing thought: I can’t lose Griff, too.
He recovered his equilibrium and forced his mind to concentrate on what needed to be done. In long strides he crossed the room, grabbed his keys and coat. “Connie, call George. Tell him what’s happening. Tell him I’m going in to find my son and that my dad’s on his way in.
“Joe, you take over here and call the sheriff’s department with this update. See if they’ve already located Griff. Call me on my cell.” He shouted the commands as he grabbed two walkie-talkies from a cabinet. His heart pounded in his ears, but he kept moving, kept focused on the details.
“You, Chris—” he pointed to a startled young ranger “—you’re going in with me.”
“But he hasn’t—” Joe began.
Josh cut him off with a glare. “I need you here.” He stated the obvious. Joe nodded sharply, acknowledging one of the prime rules: Go in with a buddy.
Josh hurried toward the door with Chris right on his heels. He didn’t even stop when he heard Rachel’s cry of “What about me?”
“Go home,” he growled over his shoulder, and then he was out the door.
Rachel stared at the door as it slammed shut behind Josh’s retreating back. Go home. Like she could go home now. Not with Griff missing and a fire blazing. Her feet were moving before she’d even thought about commanding them to. She rushed out the door and watched Josh’s truck speeding away.
She ignored the bite of rejection at Josh’s harsh command and ran for Rod’s Buick. He’s going to need you, Rachel. Whatever happens today, Josh is going to need you. Rod’s words echoed inside her head as she drove after Josh.
Yeah, well, tell him that, why don’t you? she thought sourly. She pressed harder on the gas pedal. The Buick shook with the speed, but she didn’t let up as she turned off Highway 120 and headed up the gravel road that would lead her to the lake.
Josh’s truck had long since disappeared ahead of her. But she knew where he’d start. Not at the usual visitors’ trailhead. No, he’d take the fire road until it ended miles up the trail. She didn’t question her certainty, she just knew. She almost missed the turn for the fire road but the faint cloud of dust clinging to the air pointed the way.
Josh and Chris were already out of sight by the time she parked the Buick behind Josh’s truck. A fallen log blocked the way. They’d have to hike up the fire road to where it converged with the main trail. She ran to catch up to them, grimacing at the awful smell of smoke. Her approaching footsteps gave away her arrival before she had thought of what to say.
Josh’s head whipped around, his eyes widened for a fraction of a second before narrowing to burning slits. “Go back, Rachel. I don’t want you here. You’ll just get in the way.”
Her heart tore at the pain visible beneath his obvious irritation. “You might need me. I’m a doctor, remember.”
His feet still moved at a rapid pace—she had to take three steps to his one—but his eyes remained on her for a long moment. His lip curled into a nasty sneer. “A city doctor.”
“A doctor just the same,” she retorted between gulps of air, the smoke burning her lungs. “I’m coming with you. Get over it.”
“Rachel, you’re a civilian. I—”
“Which means you can’t order me around,” she interrupted tersely.
He snorted at her over his shoulder, his pace never slowing. “If you think you can handle it.”
She noticed Chris kept glancing at her but she didn’t feel inclined to appease his curiosity.
Being behind the two men, Rachel got a good dose of dust kicked up into her face. She tried to stifle her coughs because every time she coughed loud enough for Josh to hear, he’d turn and glare at her. She could feel his animosity toward her, claiming he found her presence a nuisance. But Griff was the one out there, maybe hurt, needing help. And if she could help, then angering Josh was a small price to pay.
When the fire road met with the main trail, Josh stopped abruptly. Chris smoothly sidestepped him, but Rachel had her head down and didn’t realize he’d stopped until she ran smack into his broad back, knocking her off her feet.
She glared up him. He stared back dispassionately.
“You could help me up,” she groused, her bottom aching from the impact with the ground.
For a tense moment Rachel thought he wouldn’t help her. Finally he stuck out a hand and swiftly pulled her to her feet. He dropped her hand quickly and turned to Chris. “Take the trail down to the visitors’ center. You should meet my father. When you do, contact me.” He turned a knob on one of the walkie-talkies before handing it over to the bemused youth.
“I thought we were to stay together?” Chris questioned, his young face creasing with anxiety.
Josh flipped the knobs on his own walkie-talkie. “Take her with you.”
“No,” Rachel said immediately. If Griff or the other boy were hurt… She didn’t even want to think about that. They had to find the two boys before it got dark.
“It’s safer if you go with Chris,” he replied without looking at her.
Anger that he’d dismiss her so readily gave
her words a cutting edge. “Safer for whom?”
He glanced at her sharply. Then gave a wry twist of his lips. “For both of us.” With that left between them, he turned and headed up the trail.
Rachel stared after him for a moment, wondering what he meant by that remark. Then she turned to the kid beside her. “You go on, Chris. I’ll stay with Josh.”
At the young man’s hesitancy, she nodded. “It’s okay. Go find Rod.”
Chris shrugged and headed in the opposite direction. Rachel trudged after Josh. She wasn’t sure if he knew that she followed several feet behind him, until his voice came at her tight and clipped. “You could easily make it back to the car before dark.”
“I’m coming with you,” she declared through ragged breaths.
“Suit yourself,” he grumbled.
A dull ache throbbed in her side. She ignored her fatigued body’s protest against the extra exercise.
The trail narrowed. Tree branches brushed across her legs, biting into her skin. Wryly she glanced down at her slick running shoes, made for smooth paved track, not rugged dirt trails. Her gaze lifted to Josh. His uniform and work boots were much better suited for the trek.
They hiked to the clanking rhythm of Josh’s fire ax hanging from his gear belt. The smoke grew thicker by the minute. In the distance she could hear the crackling and hissing of trees burning. Somewhere out there men were fighting the fire. Somewhere out there was Griff.
Josh stopped in his tracks. Rachel ran headfirst into his back again. He put out a steadying hand. “Pay attention,” he snapped.
He called for Griff, his voice loud and booming through the trees. They waited, but only the sounds of the flaming forest answered.
He started forward again. Rachel followed, aware of the fear in Josh’s eyes, aware of the panic building within her chest. She’d been panicked when she’d arrived at the station, but once she’d seen Josh, the panic had given way to an assurance that he would make things right. He’d find his son and the world would go on. It shook her to the core to see Josh so scared.
