Love Comes Home

by Terri Reed

  He wanted to believe her. To believe in her. Her hand stroked his cheek. He’d willingly endure frostbite for her precious touch. He pressed a kiss to her palm. Her eyes widened but she didn’t withdraw. “Thank you,” he whispered.

  Her tender smile sent a deep yearning screaming through his tension-filled body. A yearning for what could never be: Rachel loving him and being his wife.

  Rachel’s career was important to her, so important he couldn’t ask her to give it up. And he knew she never would for him.

  He frowned at the turn of his thoughts. She dropped her hand away and loosened her hold on him, as if giving him a chance to withdraw if he wanted. He tightened his hold.

  He didn’t want to go through this alone. He didn’t like living a life by himself, not having someone to share the heartache and the joy with. He wanted a helpmate. He wanted Rachel, needed her, if only for now.

  He forced his thoughts away from dangerous ground and onto the one love that he was sure of—his son.

  What had Griff been thinking, wandering off from the troop like that? And going to that tree? He glanced up at Rachel. Their tree. Her eyes were trained on Griff, but she was miles away, lost in her thoughts.

  “You know, I have no idea how Griff knew about the tree,” he said softly.

  Her brows rose in response to his statement but she didn’t turn toward him.

  “Dad could have told him,” Josh said aloud, more to keep the silence from filling his head with farfetched thoughts he had no business thinking than from wanting any more of a response from her.

  Thoughts like how much he admired and respected Rachel for pursuing her dreams, even at the cost to him, and about how good a doctor she must be if what he’d glimpsed today was any indication. She’d known what to do, had been efficient, yet caring.

  When they arrived at the hospital, Josh jumped out before the vehicle stopped completely. Rachel’s restraining hand kept him from pulling the stretcher out himself. He wanted to help, to do something other than stand by helplessly and watch. He didn’t like being pushed aside. He didn’t like the images hovering at the sidelines of his consciousness, taunting him.

  “Josh, let them do their jobs.”

  Rachel’s authoritative tone brought a halt to his chaotic mind. She was right. He was getting in the way. He stepped back and allowed the EMTs to do their job. They transferred Griff to a gurney and rushed toward the emergency room entrance.

  He took Rachel’s hand and followed the gurney into the hospital. An orderly moved forward, blocking the way. “Are you the boy’s parents?”

  “Yes.” Josh looked past the man to where they’d wheeled Griff behind a curtain. “I need to be with my son.”

  “You can’t go back there, sir. The doctors will take good care of your boy.” The orderly gestured toward the administration desk. “If you could step over to the counter and fill out some standard forms…sir?”

  Josh ignored the young man. He couldn’t see his son, couldn’t see what was happening. He pulled Rachel forward. “This is Dr. Maguire. She’s my son’s doctor. She needs to be with him.”

  The man frowned. “I thought you—”

  Josh turned to Rachel and pleaded, “Please, go be with Griff. At least until I can call his pediatrician.”

  She stared up at him, her complexion a pasty white. Something akin to fear shifted in her gaze. Josh didn’t understand. She was an E.R. doctor and he was asking her to do her job.

  The young orderly puffed himself up. “Sir, she can’t. She’s not part of our staff.”

  Josh waited, ignoring the man’s pronouncement. There was a struggle going on in Rachel. He could see the flicking emotions in her blue eyes. He didn’t understand why she was hesitating.

  Finally she blinked and straightened. Steely determination filled her gaze, crowding the fear to the edges. She focused on the orderly. “I’d like to speak to the attending.”

  The man frowned. “He’s unavailable. You can leave a message—”

  “I’d like to speak to him now,” she demanded, her voice strong and cold.

  The young man flushed and seemed to look around for help. “Uh, well. I—I think…”

  Rachel started walking, her steps decisive. “Lead the way.”

  The man stared at her retreating back, speechless for a second, then hurried after her.

  Josh could understand the orderly’s reaction. Rachel’s cool, commanding tone was formidable. Clearly she was a woman used to being in charge. There was a remarkable strength in her petite form. He took a deep breath and the tightness in his chest eased somewhat, secure in knowing she’d take care of his son, though the fear he’d seen in her eyes nagged at him. What was that about?

  As each step forward drew Rachel closer to the place where her mother died, her spirit groaned in agony. She didn’t want to do this, she’d stayed away from this place since that day, but now she had to walk in there. For Griff’s sake.

  She pursed her lips tightly. Be honest with yourself, Rachel. This is for Josh. Because he needed her to go in there. She couldn’t explain how deeply his trust overwhelmed her and filled her with strength she’d not thought possible.

  She approached the metal swinging doors leading to the restricted emergency care area and her steps faltered. A chill ran down her arms raising pinpricks of dread. Lifting her chin, she vowed to face the demons haunting her even if they destroyed her.

  For Josh.

  Josh was determined to do something, anything, to keep from rushing back to where they’d taken Griff. Nervous energy flowed through him as he moved to the administration desk. “What papers do you need filled out?”

  The woman behind the desk smiled and handed him a clipboard and pen. “Here, sir. Fill in both sides, please.”

  Taking the clipboard, Josh sat in the waiting area and filled out the forms. He focused on the papers in front of him, fighting off the memories of the last time he’d been in the emergency room filling out similar forms.

  As the minutes turned into what seemed like hours, a feeling of helplessness settled over him like a blanket of fog. Pacing the waiting room like a caged tiger didn’t help. Nothing did. All he could do was wait. He hated to wait.

  Rod, who had arrived shortly after Rachel disappeared with the orderly, sat in one of the stiff chairs, his legs stretched out in front of him. “Sit down, son. You’re making me more nervous.”

  With an exasperated glance, Josh stopped and stared out the window. His reflection looked back at him, accusingly.

  Remembrance seeped in—memories and images of the night his wife had died. The gruesome reality of her death and his guilt struck at him, battering his already-weakened sense of self.

  They’d brought her here to the emergency room; she’d undoubtedly disappeared down the hall on a gurney much the same way Griff had. She hadn’t survived. He shuddered with the sense of loathing and uselessness that had plagued him for years. He couldn’t change what had happened. No amount of penitence would bring her back.

  He had to focus on Griff. That was the only thing that kept him sane, that kept him going. He had to be the best father he could be for Griff.

  Abruptly he turned from the window and resumed pacing. It shouldn’t take so long. Why hadn’t Rachel come to tell him how Griff was?

  “Josh.” A dark-haired man with gentle brown eyes walked into the waiting area.

  “Dr. Michaelson.” Josh hurried over to Griff’s pediatrician. Though the doctor was only a few years older than Josh, he exuded an aura of maturity and quiet compassion that appealed to Josh. Josh felt comforted by Dr. Michaelson’s presence. “How is he?”

  “He’s awake and asking for you. Hi, Rod.” The doctor acknowledged Rod, who came to stand beside them.

  “Doc.” Rod’s good-natured reply elicited a smile from the doctor.

  “And he’s okay?” Josh asked, holding a breath.

  “He’ll have a nasty bruise and headache to match for a few days. We set his ankle in a cast,
but it’s a fairly minor break. He’ll need to stay off his feet for a while, but other than that he’s fine.” Dr. Michaelson smiled.

  Josh let out his breath. “Thank you, God.”

  Rod clapped Josh on the back. “Let’s go see the little tiger.”

  Dr. Michaelson led the way to the elevators and stepped in with them. “He’s been moved upstairs to a private room. He’ll be released in the morning.”

  When the elevator doors closed, Josh stuck out his hand. “Thank you, Dr. Michaelson.”

  The doctor shook Josh’s hand and gave a small chuckle. “You’re welcome. Though I didn’t do much. Dr. Maguire had everything under control when I arrived.”

  Josh breathed a grateful sigh of relief to know that Rachel had taken good care of his son.

  The three men arrived at Griff’s room and heard laughter. Josh stepped in, followed closely by Rod and Dr. Michaelson, to see his son smiling and chuckling at Rachel as she made funny faces while telling him a story.

  “So you see—oh, here’s your dad.” Rachel hastily stood; a hesitant smile played at the corners of her mouth. She’d acquired a pair of green scrubs, which hugged her form attractively.

  “Dad,” Griff exclaimed, his eyes lighting up.

  Josh rushed to his son’s side and gave him a fierce hug. Overwhelmed by love and relief, his voice broke. “I’m so thankful you’re okay.”

  Griff sniffed. “I’m sorry, Dad. I shouldn’t have left the group.”

  “No, you shouldn’t have. But we can talk about that later.” He put his heart in his smile as he gazed with love at his boy. He was aware of Rachel as she walked around the bed and hugged Rod. Annoyed that she hadn’t reacted that way with him, Josh said stiffly, “Thank you, Rachel, for everything.”

  She turned startled eyes on him. “You’re welcome, Josh.”

  He held her gaze for a long moment, craving for her to show him the same affection she so easily doled out to the rest of his family. Get a grip, man. You’ll never be a priority in her life. Chief of staff. That was her goal, not him.

  He broke the eye contact because it was too painful to get lost in her winter-blue gaze.

  He smoothed back a lock of Griff’s hair that had fallen over the awful goose egg on his forehead. “Good thing you have such a tough noggin,” he teased, trying to distract himself from the allure of Rachel’s presence.

  Behind him, he heard Rachel murmur something to his father and then she left along with Dr. Michaelson. Some of the energy in the room left with her and Josh sagged into a chair, acknowledging how much he’d depended on her today. That had to end here and now. She would leave in the morning. And with her she would take a piece of his heart, just as she’d done the first time she’d left.

  All that had transpired in the past few hours hit Rachel with the force of a dump truck, and a quiver shook her bottom lip. She staggered to the wall.

  She’d worked in the E.R. where her mother had died.

  And she had survived.

  Her mind was a jumbled, chaotic mess. And her emotions were riding a runaway roller coaster.

  The first few moments after she’d walked through the swinging doors, choking memories had reared to life. But then she’d realized that nothing was as she remembered it. The tall doctor with the sad, brown eyes, who’d informed her that her mother was dead, wasn’t there.

  Logically she acknowledged he’d be past retirement age by now. But his face had haunted her nightmares.

  But the biggest difference and the greatest healing came when she noticed that many of the triage techniques she’d implemented in her own hospital and others around the country had been duplicated at Sonora Community.

  The attending had been more than gracious and overflowing with compliments as he’d explained how the papers she’d written and had published in popular medical journals over the past few years had changed the procedures of Sonora Community’s E.R.

  Tears welled in her eyes and a cleansing sob broke free as a huge weight was lifted from her chest. Her mother hadn’t died in vain. Knowing that helped her to release the anger and bitterness she’d harbored toward the doctors and staff of the hospital.

  And she wouldn’t have ever had that confirmed if Josh hadn’t asked her to stay with Griff. Thank you, God, for using Griff and Josh to heal me.

  Josh’s trust meant so much, yet his harsh words came floating back: I have to protect him from you.

  He trusted her as a doctor but not as a woman. She supposed she should be thankful that at least he’d acknowledged her capabilities as a physician. There was a measure of comfort in his acknowledgment.

  She shuddered as she recalled the panic and fear in his eyes out at the lake. When he’d first seen Griff lying there on the ground, she’d seen the flash of agony in his face and had known he’d thought for an instant that his son was dead. His relief was tangible.

  His admission that he’d froze came as a surprise. Not that he’d recognized his reaction but that’d he’d admitted as much. She could only imagine what saying those words to her had cost him, showing any weakness to the person he’d accused of breaking his heart. Compassion and tenderness had welled up inside her. Josh was mature enough to expose his fallibility.

  But when he’d taken her hand in the ambulance and held on as if she were his lifeline, her already tightly strung nerves nearly shattered, leaving her a bit dizzy with… She couldn’t grasp what she’d felt in those moments.

  Hunger for more, a certain amount of pride that he’d needed her, hope that maybe he could begin to accept her and her drive to make a difference. She didn’t know which emotion was prominent or if they’d just bunched together into a single, unidentifiable glob.

  Then he’d done something that had made even that jumbled-up mess of emotions pale in comparison. He’d said yes when asked if they were Griff’s parents.

  He couldn’t possibly know the deep, soul-piercing pain he’d caused her.

  The kicker had come when he’d entered the room after Griff had awakened. His very polite and indifferent thank-you had warred with the look in his eyes.

  For a long, tense moment there’d been a yearning she hadn’t seen in a very long time. An answering need had awakened in her, a longing to reach out to him and hold him close, only to be shot down as the look in his eyes shifted to something hostile and dangerous. As if he’d just remembered who and what she was. The woman he didn’t want in his life, the woman he’d accused of breaking his heart. The woman he didn’t love.

  She’d have to remember that. He didn’t love her. His heart mourned for his wife. Thinking him a wounded soul kept her from indulging in self-pity. She couldn’t compete with a dead woman. She couldn’t compete with his ideals. She didn’t want to, she told herself sternly.

  She’d made a promise and she intended to keep her side of the deal, for Griff’s sake and to prove to Josh she could be a part of Griff’s life without causing him irreparable damage. Through Griff she could take care of Josh and fulfill her promise to Mom G. That was the only way it was going to happen.

  With that thought solidly established, Rachel headed for the one place that had always made her feel needed, the one place she could lose herself and calm her own frazzled nerves. She headed for the E.R. in hopes they could use some help.

  Hours later, Rachel rolled her shoulders to relieve the tension in her bunched-up muscles. The clock on the E.R. wall read twelve-thirty in the morning. She slipped into the elevator, pushed the button for Griff’s floor and leaned against the metal wall.

  She’d been working for a long time and she was exhausted, but calmer. These hours spent doing what she’d been trained to do reminded her how much she loved her job, how much meaning her life held. And knowing that she’d conquered her demons lifted her spirits in a way she hadn’t felt before.

  The elevator opened and she exited. The dimly lit hall revealed a lone nurse sitting at the nurses’ station. The woman smiled at Rachel. Rachel pointed down the hall. The nurse no
dded and resumed whatever she’d been doing.

  Rachel moved soundlessly to Griff’s room. She wanted to check on him and make sure he slept comfortably. She was almost certain to find Josh in the room, as well, and she hoped he’d found some rest, too.

  As she eased open the door, a muffled sound met her ears. She frowned and stepped into the room. Griff slept peacefully, his face young and innocent in repose. In the chair next to the bed sat Josh. His head was bowed and one of his hands held Griff’s hand.

  Josh was crying.

  Chapter Thirteen

  Tears streamed down Josh’s cheeks and his breathing came shallow and fast. Immediately Rachel’s gaze jumped back to Griff. Her heart pounded with dread until she saw the gentle rise and fall of his chest. She let out a relieved breath. He was sound asleep.

  Her attention turned back to the big man sitting there weeping and her heart contracted painfully in her chest. She tried to reconcile this hurting man to the strong man who’d anchored her when her own torrent of tears threatened to sweep her away. The need to comfort, the need to help, propelled her forward. She reached his side and laid a hand gently on his shoulder. “Josh?”

  He stiffened. The feel of him recoiling hurt, but she held her ground just as he had when she’d needed to grieve. She owed him this kindness and she stayed because her very essence wouldn’t permit her to retreat. She was a healer; she couldn’t walk away from someone in need.

  Especially if that someone was Josh.

  Rachel squeezed Josh’s shoulder, the muscles beneath her palm rock hard and solid. He raised his head; the ragged expression on his strong, handsome face tore at her heart. He stared straight ahead.

  “What are you doing here?” His lowered voice rang with harshness.