by Noelle Adams
A chirp from her phone on the bedside table was the thing that finally distracted her. She turned to look at it. A text had come in. She summoned enough focus to reach over to read it.
It was nothing—just a note from her assistant about a meeting she’d planned for this afternoon. Mary often texted at all hours of the day, whenever something happened to cross her mind.
But the text gave Jenn a much-needed glimpse of a familiar haven—something she could mostly control, something that wouldn’t break her heart. She needed to go to work. She needed to get away from Nick. She needed to remind herself of who she really was, who she’d always been.
Who she would be for the rest of her life.
She scrambled out of bed, sucking in air and digging her pajamas out from under the covers. She couldn’t bear to think of how she’d been with Nick last night. It would leave her in tears.
“What’s…the matter?” Nick mumbled from the bed, rolling over onto his back.
Her chest ached at the sight of his bandaged head. She’d been so close to losing him last night. She couldn’t let it happen. “Nothing. I’ve got to go into work.”
“It’s still early. You can sleep in a little.” He sounded more awake now, and his eyes were focused on where she stood, pulling on her pajamas so she wouldn’t be completely naked.
“I don’t want to sleep in. Something came up at work. I’ve got to go.”
“What came up?”
“Just a…a PR emergency. I’ve got to take care of it.” She hated lying to him. She never lied to him. But there was nothing else she could right now. She felt like she might completely fall apart, right as she was standing here.
She was on her way out of the room, but she couldn’t help but glance back and ask, “Are you feeling okay this morning?”
“Fine. Just a headache.”
She wasn’t sure what to make of his tone, but she didn’t have the emotional freedom to process it. She raced through a shower and threw on some clothes so she could be out the door and to her office before she completely lost her composure.
She was almost to the front door, where she’d left her purse and bag, when a voice from behind her stopped her. “You running away?”
She froze, a shudder starting somewhere deep inside of her. But she pasted on a fake smile as she turned around. “Of course not.”
Nick’s expression was utterly sober as he came closer. He was a total mess, and she saw in the morning light that there were dark, ugly bruises on his chest. “I wasn’t hurt last night, Jenn.”
“I know you weren’t,” she said, pretending she didn’t understand what he was saying. She couldn’t have this conversation. She just couldn’t. “I’m really glad you’re all right.”
“But you’re still running away.”
“I’m going to work. What’s the big deal?”
“Both of us know what the big deal is. Every time things get too good, you think you’re going to lose it so you run. You might as well admit it, since I already know it. I can see it right now on your face.”
“That’s not what’s going on.”
“Yes, it is, Jenn.” He sounded exhausted, impatient, like he was about to lose it himself. “Why are you standing there lying to me? I’m your husband. I’m the one you tell the truth to, no matter what the truth is.”
She couldn’t take this. It felt like her whole life was spiraling out of control, and there was nothing she could do to hold it together. Wanting only to end the conversation, she snapped, “You’re my husband because I bought and paid for you. Don’t act like this is anything else.”
And that did it. Nick gave an almost imperceptible jerk, as if he’d been hit hard out of the blue, and the urgency on his face disappeared. “Oh. I see.”
“I didn’t mean for that to sound so mean,” she said hurriedly, her voice cracking at how she could only ever mess up relationships. “I’m sorry. I’m just tired and need to get to work. We can talk later.”
“Go on then.” Nick didn’t sound normal—or anything like himself—but she couldn’t linger to figure out what his expression meant. She turned back toward the door, grabbing her bags and leaving as quickly as she could.
She really needed to get to work.
***
Work didn’t make her feel better.
In fact, she felt worse and worse as the day went on. And more and more she was hit with guilt about how she’d spoken to Nick. She hadn’t meant it like it had sounded. Surely he would have known that. It was just that their marriage was so unnatural. She should have expressed herself more clearly.
At five-thirty, she finally gave up trying to work. She needed to get back to Nick. She would apologize and try to be honest with him. They’d always been friends. They could at least stay that—even if anything else was impossible.
She hadn’t asked him about the break on his case he’d gotten yesterday. The accident had completely pushed it from her mind.
She was a terrible wife. She was even a terrible fake wife. But she didn’t want to be a terrible person.
She was going to fix this, even if it meant tearing herself up from the inside out. Nick was more important to her than even her own fear.
When she got home, it wasn’t even six, and she saw down the hall that Nick’s bedroom door was opened, and the light was on. He must be in there. She dropped all her stuff in the main room and headed toward him.
“Hey, Nick,” she said, just before she turned into the room. “I’m really sorry about—”
She broke off the words abruptly as she saw what he was doing. He had a suitcase on the bed. He was packing.
He was packing.
She crossed her arms over her stomach as she stared at him, unable to find any other explanation for his behavior right now.
He was leaving her.
Nick had turned toward the door at her voice. He looked terrible—even worse than he had last night. He hadn’t shaved, and there were dark shadows under his eyes. She wasn’t even sure he had showered today.
When he didn’t say anything, she managed to choke, “You’re—you’re leaving?”
“Yes.”
“For…” Her voice cracked so much she couldn’t get the words out the first time. “For good?”
“Yes.”
It was agony—one of the worst things she’d ever experienced. She’d known it was coming, though, so it felt inevitable at the same time. As if the end she’d always expected had finally reached her.
He didn’t say anything else, but she couldn’t just leave it like it was, so she stepped further into the room. “I’m really sorry about this morning, Nick.”
“I know you are.” He’d turned back toward his packing.
“I shouldn’t have left. I should have stayed to talk to you. I was…well, I was all scared and confused, but I know I handled it wrong.”
“That’s okay.” He sounded so empty. She hardly recognized his voice.
“No, it’s not okay, if it’s making you leave.”
“It’s not making me leave,” Nick said with a long sigh. “It just finally hit home that this is a losing battle for me, and I’m not going to waste my energy anymore.”
Wasting his energy. That was how he felt about his relationship with her.
She was as numb as she’d been last night, when she’d thought he’d been killed. “Oh. Okay.”
“Maybe we can be friends again…later on. Maybe.” He sounded cool, almost stilted, and he wasn’t looking at her as he packed. “But I’ve got to get out of here, before it gets harder for me than it already is.”
Of course, he didn’t want it to be harder. He’d gotten into this marriage because it was supposed to be easy. It wasn’t supposed to draw on any of his emotional resources, and obviously it had.
She could understand it. It fit what she knew about him. But it was so horrible she still couldn’t move.
She stared at a spot in the middle of the room and tried to imagine what could happen
after this moment.
“I’m sorry to just walk out like this,” Nick added, glancing over at her and for the first time sounding slightly hoarse. “I know it’s an asshole thing to do, but I’ve got to do it. Now.”
“I…I understand.” She took a few deep breaths. “You’re allowed to leave any time you want. I’d never try to stop you.”
Of course, she would try to stop him, but she couldn’t do it now. She’d come home tonight determined to be honest with him—even if it meant stripping herself bare—but there was no way she could do that anymore.
She couldn’t possibly tell him how much she loved him when he was about to walk out the door.
“I know our contract says—”
“Forget about the contract,” she interrupted. “You can leave free and clear. Of course you can.”
He gave a brief nod and turned back to his suitcase. “Thank you for that.”
“Don’t thank me. Don’t—don’t thank me.”
He looked at her over his shoulder. “Why shouldn’t I?”
“Because I’ve messed everything up.” She tried very hard to sound calm as she spoke, but the words came out as almost a sob as the reality started to hit home with her.
Nick’s head jerked to the side slightly, and he took a deep breath before he spoke. “No, you haven’t. It’s not your fault, sweetheart. I just keep hoping…” He gave his head a rough shake. “It’s my fault, for thinking you might change.”
She understood everything then. He’d finally given up on her, like she’d always known he would.
“Oh.” She swallowed hard. “I thought I…I had changed.”
“Yeah, but not in the ways I need.” He turned around to face her fully. “This is my fault, Jenn. Not yours. This marriage worked for both of us for three years, but it’s not working for me anymore. I need more.”
Of course he needed more. She’d always known he would. She’d been a fool to think, even for a little while, that she could be enough for him.
“I understand,” she managed to say. She was about to completely fall apart, so she knew she had to end the conversation right now. “Just let me know if you need anything from me. We can get the divorce going right away.”
She couldn’t believe she’d actually managed to say such an appalling thing.
“Okay,” he mumbled, turning away again.
She wanted to just leave, but she’d known and cared about him for too long to just let things go like that. “I’ll miss you,” she said, tears starting to stream down her face after all.
Nick didn’t see them, though. He didn’t even turn around. “Me too.”
Jenn left the room, and then she ended up going back to work after all.
***
At nine-thirty that evening, she was staring at her computer in her office, trying desperately to focus on the words on an email.
If she could just drown herself in work like she usually could, then she could manage to get through this. But for the first time in her life, it simply wasn’t working.
She kept fighting the urge to run back home and beg Nick to stay.
Maybe that was what she should do. Her pride didn’t matter as much as how much she needed him.
Maybe she should just find him and pour everything out after all.
When her phone rang, she grabbed for it eagerly but was disappointed when she saw it wasn’t Nick. Naturally he wouldn’t be calling her, but her stupid heart didn’t seem to realize that.
The caller was Jack Watson. She hadn’t talked to him since that lunch a few weeks ago, and she was surprised enough that she answered the call, despite her mood.
“Hey,” he said in a friendly tone, after she answered. “What are you up to?”
“I’m at work,” she admitted.
“Seriously? It’s almost ten o’clock.”
“I know. I…” She couldn’t find the energy to even finish the sentence.
“What’s the matter?” Jack asked in a different tone. He was a good-natured guy with an easy laugh, but he’d always been surprisingly sensitive.
“It’s…nothing.”
“Trouble with the husband?”
She gave a little snort. That was one way to put it. “Yeah.”
“Well, that shouldn’t be too hard to fix. He’s crazy about you.”
“Not really.”
“Yes, really. Are you blind?”
“No, I’m not blind. I know him really well. He wants things to be…to be easy, and I’m just not easy. I’m not what he needs.”
“I’m not sure how you’ve convinced yourself of such a thing, but it’s not like you to give up on something.”
“I’m not giving up. He is. He’s the one leaving me.”
Jack was silent for a moment. “Well, that’s kind of surprising.”
Ridiculously, Jenn was slightly pleased that she’d stumped him, if only momentarily.
After a minute of silence, Jack evidently found something to say. “I don’t know what to tell you, except I’d bet all the money in my pocket he doesn’t want to leave. So maybe you should try to get him to stay.”
“I was thinking about it, but I’m not going to pressure him to—”
“I’m not talking about pressure. I’m talking about going to find him and telling him how you feel, instead of sitting at work by yourself and moping.”
She gasped. “I’m not moping.”
“My mistake,” he said with a laugh. “But think about it anyway.”
She was thinking about it, just like she’d been thinking about it before the call. And she suddenly realized she was absolutely stupid for letting Nick walk away without even a fight.
They were good together. And maybe it was inevitable that he would eventually leave her—just like she’d learned from hard experience that everyone ended up doing—but she didn’t have to be okay with that.
No matter what Nick believed, she could change. Maybe their marriage could change too.
“Okay,” she mumbled, not even sure which one of them had spoken last.
Jack chuckled again. “I just called to say hello and touch base, so you wouldn’t think the lunch was a one-off. But obviously you have more important things to do right now. So you go find Nick and maybe give me a call in a day or two to let me know how things went.”
“I will. Thanks.” She was already on her feet, gathering up her stuff.
She was hurrying out the door as she disconnected the call. She had to get home before Nick had finished packing.
If he’d already left, then she would have to find him.
No matter where he was, she was going to get to him tonight.
Eleven
She burst into the apartment about ten minutes later.
She tripped on her feet heading toward the hall, and she almost collapsed in relief when she saw Nick’s bedroom light was lit.
He must still be here.
She was rushing so much she had to catch herself on the doorframe when she reached his room.
Nick’s bedroom was normally a little sloppy—with clothes and books strewn around haphazardly—so it looked eerily neat at the moment, with nothing on the floor or surfaces and two packed suitcases near the door.
Nick himself sat on the foot of the bed, holding something pink in his hands, his head lowered.
He looked so sad, burdened, defeated, that Jenn forgot the careful speech she’d planned in her head on the way over. She ran over and sank down in front of him on her knees, grabbing his hands around the fabric he was holding.
“Oh, God, Nick,” she burst out, “Don’t leave me. Please don’t leave me!”
He blinked a few times and slowly raised his head, as if he weren’t quite sure what was happening. “Jenn,” he said in a cracked voice.
It felt like he was starting to explain himself, say he was sorry but he just had to leave, and Jenn couldn’t let herself hear it. She kept rambling on. “I’m so sorry about everything. I know it’s all my fault. You were r
ight about everything. You were right about me. I do always get scared when things are too good. I do have trouble trusting that they can last. But I can do better. I think I’m starting to do better. Just look at how far I’ve come in the last two months. I know I can do better, if you give me a chance. Please don’t give up on me yet.”
If she’d heard herself talk like this in her right mind, she would have been mortified. She never laid it all out there like this. But she was pushed so far in her fear of losing Nick that it didn’t even faze her.
He was staring at her like he couldn’t quite keep up.
“I know you said you need more than our marriage, but I think I can give you more. I’m not going to hold back anymore, even if it means you can break my heart. I trust you, Nick—more than I’ve ever trusted anyone. And I love you so much I can’t seem to contain it in my body. Please, please say you’re not going to leave me.”
“I’m not going to leave,” Nick said raspily, managing to get a word in when she had to stop to take a breath.
“You’re better for me than anyone,” she went on, wiping a stray tear off her cheek. “And I really think I can be good for you t—” She broke off as her mind finally registered what Nick had just said. “Wait, what?”
Nick gave a familiar hint of a dry smile, his eyes softening into a look that took her breath away. “I’m not going to leave,” he repeated.
She stared at him. Then turned her head to stare at the suitcases. “But you’re all packed up.”
“I know. I was going to leave. But then I realized I was just giving up, walking away from anything hard, like I’ve been doing for way too long now. I don’t want to do that anymore. Not with anything, and definitely not with you. I’d already decided to stay and fight for you, even if it was a losing battle.”
She was so overwhelmed with shock and joy that she couldn’t speak for a full thirty seconds. Then she finally panted, “You’re just saying that because…because I’m on the floor like this, making a complete fool of myself. You’re trying to make me feel better.”
He shook his head and adjusted his hands so he was gripping hers. “No, I’m not. It’s absolutely true. I love you too, Jenn—so much it’s been tearing me to pieces. And I can’t believe that, even for a moment, I was going to give up on you.”
