The Good Widow_A Novel

by Liz Fenton

  Finally he speaks again. “I never expected I’d turn into the kind of guy who’s mourning his fiancée but kisses another woman.” He clenches the steering wheel harder. “God, this rain; I can barely see. I should pull over. But I’m afraid another car won’t see us and will hit us.”

  I grip the door handle, fear suddenly taking over. If Nick is scared, then I should be too. The rain belts down harder, and I will the windshield wipers to catch up. The road to Hana is dangerous on its best day, and in this weather it’s formidable. Will this be it? Will we die on the same road they did?

  I stay silent, letting him navigate the Jeep, and finally, after several miles, the storm begins to let up. One of the craziest things about the Hawaiian Islands is how rainstorms can come out of nowhere and disappear almost as quickly as they appear. Kind of like my confidence. I felt stronger after swimming in open water and hiking, but since I discovered Dylan had been pregnant, I’ve felt outside myself. Like I’ve had a white-knuckle grip on my own life all over again.

  “It was wrong to kiss you.”

  Hadn’t we kissed each other?

  “I’m sorry,” he adds.

  “Me too,” I say, but I’m thinking about how I was sleepwalking before Nick showed up at my doorstep. Yes, I’m hurting like hell right now. But at least I’m feeling something.

  “Can we just agree our emotions were running high and move forward?” he says, and I nod. Because how can I tell him I’m not sure it had been a mistake after he just told me it had been?

  “I’m going to stop here,” Nick says, and he squeezes my hand and pulls into the Halfway to Hana market that we’d passed earlier at mile marker seventeen. Before the rain, when we could see the lush rain forest, the trees bending over the road. The calm before the storm. The calm before the kiss. “I need something—coffee, probably stronger than that, but I’m guessing they don’t sell booze.” He reads a sign boasting that it’s the home of the original banana bread. “Or some of that. Want to come?”

  It’s interesting how, in such a short time, I’ve learned so many of his tells. Like now, it’s subtle, but he’s tugging on the corner of his T-shirt, which means he’s holding back. Not saying everything. That he needs some time alone.

  My phone buzzes. We must have cell service. Finally. It’s been spotty at best the entire trip today. Going from three bars to none in a single bend of the road. “You go ahead,” I say when I realize it’s Beth.

  When I returned to my room last night, I called my sister and told her about Dylan’s pregnancy, and she cried with me as I lay in bed, grasping my pillow—and her voice—for comfort. “I don’t know if I can get over this part of it,” I whispered. It was one of my biggest fears since I found out he’d been in Maui with another woman. That instead of just being a widow the rest of my life, I’d be a victim. People say that’s a choice, and they’re right. But the thing is, when it’s your shit hitting the fan, it’s ridiculously easy to lean into the sadness.

  “You can,” Beth said, and sniffled.

  “I lost it tonight.”

  “That’s understandable.”

  “No, I mean, I really lost it,” I said, and confessed that I’d waded into the ocean and had thought about floating away.

  “Jacks, you need to come home.”

  “I don’t think I can. I have to see this through.”

  “You’re freaking me out.”

  “I’ll be okay. I have Nick.”

  “I don’t even know who the hell this guy is, and now I’m trusting him to make sure you don’t drown yourself? I’m not comfortable with this.”

  “I’m not coming home.”

  “Then I’m calling Mom.”

  That got my attention. The last thing I needed was our mother knowing where I was. What was happening. “You wouldn’t! Or have you already? Is that why she’s been calling me?” I thought about how I hadn’t answered her and had finally shot her a cryptic text that I wasn’t in the mood to talk. I knew I was going to have to face her soon enough. But now? Forget it. There was no way I could add her into this. It was already too complicated.

  “I haven’t, but I will if I have to,” Beth said. “You’re not giving me much of a choice. Do you realize how hard this is for me? To be so far away and not able to help?”

  I sat up in bed. “Okay, here’s the thing. I know how my story sounded—about wading out into the water. I don’t know how to find the right words to explain that I need to be here. I feel so empty. And right now, I need to fill that space with something.”

  “Or someone? Like Nick?” Beth scoffed.

  “What? No!” I lied, but my heart was pounding. I hated how my sister could always see right through me.

  “Well, if that’s true, then why not just leave, come home, let us fill that hole? Your family?” She dragged out the last word, and our most recent Christmas card photo came to mind, the one we all took together: me, James, Beth, Mark, their kids, and Mom and Dad. I could see us, all wearing the same kelly green Mom had insisted on.

  “I will, soon—promise.”

  “Jacks—will you please be careful?”

  “Yes,” I said, propping myself up against the pillows. “I just can’t come back yet. But I hear you. And you don’t have to worry about me. I’m going to be okay.”

  I wasn’t so sure about that last part. But I knew Beth. She wasn’t going to stop until I convinced her.

  “Okay,” she said slowly.

  “Thank you for talking to me. I needed to hear your voice.”

  I told her I’d call her the next day—today—but I haven’t been able to reach her the few times I got a couple bars of reception. I pick up her call as Nick walks into the market.

  “Where have you been?” I ask in greeting. “So much for all that concern you had about me,” I tease as I hear rain in the background. “It’s raining in the OC? It’s June!” Rain this time of year is a rare occurrence in Orange County and usually the lead story on every newscast when and if it happens.

  “Actually, funny story about that rain you hear . . . ,” Beth begins. “I just landed at the Hana Airport. Can you come pick me up?”

  CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN

  DYLAN—BEFORE

  “I finally got reception!” Dylan said, staring at her phone, waiting for the website to open. “It says here that there aren’t any guardrails!” She finished reading, arching an eyebrow at James. After they’d driven away from the general store, James had sprung on her that he didn’t want to stop when they reached Hana. He wanted to keep going. Around the back side.

  James grabbed her cell and tossed it in the backseat next to her purse. “There was a reason I didn’t want you Googling this. What is it with women and their obsession with Google? Is this a phenomenon of some kind? Is the world going to end if you don’t know every single fact about everything?” James laughed, but there was something about its hollow sound that told Dylan he didn’t think it was funny at all.

  “What are you talking about?” She studied his face. He seemed different. She couldn’t put a finger on it, but he hadn’t woken up acting like himself. And for that matter, neither had she. She couldn’t get rid of the bad feeling that had been following her around since she tiptoed to the bathroom this morning, turned the water on, and vomited. She knew it wasn’t the baby. That, she was happy about. Frightened, yes. But also content. It was something else. And that scared her more than the life that was growing inside her.

  “Nothing,” James said, squeezing her knee, working his lips into a smile. One of his thin, fake ones, but still. He was slowly looking more like him. “Anyway, yes, it’s true that there aren’t guardrails in some places, but driving the back side will be so much cooler—I read that the views are incredible, and if you drive slow it won’t matter that the road isn’t as finished as the one through Hana is.”

  “What do you mean, not as finished?” Dylan bit her lip. What had gotten into him? He wasn’t this man. A risk-taker. As far as she knew, this affair
was the biggest and only major risk he’d ever taken. And while he didn’t discuss it with her, she could see the toll their secret relationship was taking on him. The fights were getting worse with Jacqueline—probably because his wife sensed something wasn’t right. And Dylan had noticed his fuse had been just a little bit shorter on this trip. It was subtle, like how he’d sighed when she’d forgotten her cell phone and had to run back up to the room. Or when she was telling him a story about her roommates or some catastrophe at work—there was something distant about his expression, and he’d snapped to attention only when she asked him if he was listening.

  This slight disconnect made Dylan try harder—to be less forgetful, to be a better storyteller. Her time with James was slipping through her fingers, and she didn’t want to think about what would happen when they returned to reality. Obviously things were going to change once James found out about the baby. The world she’d imagined for just the two of them would now include three. But Dylan couldn’t be sure which way the ax would swing when she told him—or which way she wanted it to. Either direction would bring chaos, burst their bubble, and alter their lives forever.

  James had actually described himself as boring when he’d first met Dylan. He was something of a workaholic, working nights and weekends—whatever it took to get the deal closed. When he’d flown, it was always United Airlines, always the aisle seat, always direct. Unless a layover absolutely couldn’t be avoided, like when he was flying to Amarillo, Texas. He followed routines. He was predictable. His words, not hers. Dylan had reasoned that their clandestine relationship had brought something to his life he’d been missing. She just worried now that it was the risks he was taking with her that were addictive, not Dylan herself.

  “There are a few miles that aren’t completely paved. But really, it just means the road isn’t as commercialized—it’s what the locals would drive. And I want that. The real experience. We’ve come all the way here; why not go for it?” James smiled at her. That smile that twisted her up inside, that made her giddy and scared and flustered all at once.

  Dylan considered his pitch. He had already taken her on some amazing excursions, ones she would have never gone on otherwise. If it had been up to her, they would have lain at the pool all day, her reading fashion magazines and him massaging oil into her shoulders. She remembered Nick asking her to do a ropes course once. She’d scoffed and told him no, that she didn’t want to navigate balance beams hundreds of feet off the ground suspended between trees. What if she fell? She’d said she had zero interest in being a trapeze artist. “I’ll make sure you don’t fall,” he’d said slowly. “I’ll take care of you.”

  And she’d had no doubt that he would. It had begun to feel like Nick was obsessed with taking care of her. As if she weren’t capable of it herself. But still, she didn’t back down. The idea of being up that high scared her.

  But when James told her he’d planned all of these excursions, she heard herself saying okay. Even though she wasn’t okay with any of it at all.

  But she wanted to be with him, wherever that was, even if it meant driving on a road with no guardrails.

  The thought sent a shiver through her. It wasn’t just them anymore. There was a baby to consider. She needed to tell him. She needed him to know. But something was stopping her. That bad feeling was back again. Overpowering her. Consuming her. She sucked in a deep breath.

  “And . . . ,” James said, and Dylan looked over at him. “The views of the Pacific—they’re some of the best on the island.”

  Dylan frowned.

  “And right before we get to the back side, we’ll see the ‘Ohe‘o Gulch, also known as the Seven Sacred Pools. I think we should stop there. They’re supposed to be to die for.”

  “I’m not sure anything about the drive to Hana would be worth dying for!” Dylan pushed James in the shoulder.

  “Yeah, sorry, probably not the best phrase to use.” James shook his head.

  Dylan smiled. “Why do they call them the Seven Sacred Pools?”

  “As the story goes, if you swim up all seven tiered pools, you’ll be welcome in heaven,” James said, watching her face.

  Dylan thought about James’s words. And the way she’d been feeling all day—as if a black cloud were following them. She wanted to tell him that they should just go back to the hotel and relax—spend time together the way she wanted to.

  “Look, if you don’t want to take the back road, I get it. I don’t want to push you. But there’s just something about being here with you that makes me say, ‘Fuck it, let’s live!’”

  That familiar and dangerous feeling swelled inside of her. Hope. And she couldn’t control herself; she reached out and grabbed it and held it tight as she listened to James.

  “This is considered one of the most spectacular drives in the world, and I think we should make the most of our last full day together.” He paused and locked his eyes on hers, reminding her that they had to go back. To reality. She just wished she knew what that was going to look like. “We can hike in—it’s not far at all—and swim in the pools. Or just dip a toe in, whatever you want, and then have a picnic; I was thinking it would be a good place for us to talk,” he said, and Dylan felt a weight in the pit of her stomach. Was this why he was acting so strangely? Because he had something to tell her? Was he going to break up with her? Or could he be leaving his wife?

  “What? You don’t agree?”

  Dylan hadn’t realized she’d been moving her head back and forth. She looked into James’s eyes, so full of life, the life she’d breathed into him. She decided to push the bad feeling away and trust him. To see where this road would take them. Hoping that at the end of it there would be a future—for all three of them. And she decided right then that she was going to confess that to him, no matter what his response was—good or bad.

  “Let’s do it,” Dylan said, and kissed him. “I’m ready.”

  CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT

  JACKS—AFTER

  When I was sixteen and Beth was seventeen, she kicked a boy’s ass for me.

  Okay, so she didn’t exactly kick his ass, but a slap was involved. And it left a mark.

  I’d just found out that Alex Henderson had asked another girl to Homecoming, which was a problem because Alex was my boyfriend and he’d already asked me.

  “He what?” Beth adjusted her backpack on her shoulder and fiddled with the knot on her denim shirt.

  I leaned my head against my locker and told Beth I’d heard from my friend Janet, who’d heard from her lab partner, Carrie, that he’d asked Heidi O’Reilly to the dance.

  “But he’s your fucking boyfriend.”

  “Apparently he’s not anymore,” I said, a tear rolling down my cheek that I quickly wiped away with the sleeve of my sweatshirt. “He told Heidi we were broken up.”

  “What the hell is wrong with him? What a jerk. I never liked him.”

  My eyes pooled with tears, but I held them back. “You don’t like anyone I date.”

  Beth gave me her well, can you blame me? look. “I’m going to find him.”

  “No, don’t,” I pleaded. The last thing I needed was a scene. I already felt stupid enough that he’d dumped me and hadn’t even bothered to let me know.

  “Too late,” she said, heading toward the quad where he and the other basketball players would sit during lunchtime.

  I trailed behind her, trying to convince her to stop, but she marched forward, her backpack bobbing up and down behind her.

  “There he is. Alex!” she yelled as she approached him.

  Alex whipped his head around at the sound of his name, shrugging at the two guys he was talking to as Beth approached. I couldn’t see her face, but I knew the expression that was fixed upon it. It was her scowl. And that combination of knotted eyebrows and pursed lips could scare the shit out of anyone. She dropped her backpack and barreled toward him, calling him an asshole. I stopped short as a small crowd gathered, wishing I could disappear into the grass when she
asked him how he could do this to me. Then Alex’s eyes found mine, and for a moment I thought he was going to come to me, explain it had all been a misunderstanding.

  But he smirked and looked away. “I was done with her.” He laughed and high-fived his buddies.

  And that’s when Beth slapped him across the face. He winced, drawing his hand to his cheek. His entire face turned bright red. “What the hell?” he yelled. “You’re crazy!”

  He wasn’t laughing anymore.

  Beth strode back to where I was standing. “Come on. We’re going to Carl’s Jr. for fried zucchini and a huge Dr Pepper. My treat,” she said.

  And I couldn’t help but smile at the thought of my favorite meal, that my sister was so badass, that someone cared about me that much.

  I think I’ve taken for granted how often she’s done that for me over the years, protecting me, even when I didn’t think I needed it.

  I know that’s why she’s come to Maui.

  “Are you okay that she’s here?” Nick asks as we see a sign for Hana Airport. “That she just showed up?”

  “Of course,” I say. “Why?”

  “Well, she got on a flight and came six hours without even asking you. What if you hadn’t wanted her to come?”

  “I would always want my sister with me.” I frown at him, deciding not to admit that I had, in fact, told her not to come. Wondering if he’s the one who’s put off by her arrival. “Are you not okay that she’s here?”

  “I’m fine with it! I mean, the timing is just a little crazy. After everything that just happened.” He looks at me, and I know what he’s not saying. The kiss. “And we’re still wet.” He pulls at his T-shirt, which is clinging to his chest. “But if you’re all right, so am I.”

  “We’ll dry. We’ll be fine,” I say, even though I feel certain about only the first statement. “And anyway, if there’s one thing you need to know about Beth, it’s that she does what she wants, when she wants. That’s just who she is. And you know what? Most of the time, she knows what I need more than I do.”