Judy Moody and the Right Royal Tea Party

by Megan McDonald

  At last it was Saturday, the day of the right royal tea party. The T. P. tent was hung with twinkly lights and pink bunting (aka paper streamers). The table was set. The place cards were placed. The napkins were folded into swans. The tea was ready to be poured. The Toad Pee tent looked more like the Total Princess tent. Even the sugar cubes were pink. Judy sure hoped her friends liked it.

  All there was to do now was wait. Wait for four o’clock. Judy chewed her Grouchy pencil. She chewed her fingernail. She chewed the end of her once-purple hair hunk.

  Four o’clock came. And went. Nobody was on time.

  4:03: Judy checked her watch.

  4:05: Judy checked her watch again.

  4:07: Judy twisted her swan napkin into a tornado.

  “Maybe they got the time wrong,” said Judy.

  “The invitation said four o’clock sharp,” said Jessica.

  “But it was in secret code,” said Judy.

  4:11: Judy folded an origami peacock with her doily.

  “It’s bad manners to be late,” said Jessica. “So rude.” She checked and double-checked the sugar bowl.

  4:15: Judy folded an origami polar bear with Rocky’s doily.

  “It’s bad manners to keep a queen waiting,” said Jessica. She smoothed the tablecloth. She fluffed the napkins. She whipped the P.U. fish pudding.

  4:19: Judy folded a camel, a lion, and an elephant out of extra doilies. She made a whole royal zoo out of origami.

  4:25: Where is everyone?

  4:37: Nobody’s coming!

  Jessica stopped neatening napkins and fixing forks. Even Jessica Fussy Finch knew it was no use.

  “My friends aren’t coming,” said Judy. If only Tori did not live all the way across the pond in London.

  She held a right royal tea party and nobody came. Not even Stink! Judy felt like a rat. A lowly rat catcher’s daughter times thirteen. How many times had Judy thought of Jessica Finch as a rat fink? But she, Judy Moody, was the real rat. And her friends had finked out on her. Finky-Finkersons!

  The finger sandwiches wilted. The mousse smelled worse than a moose. And the royal tea went cold.

  “This is like the Queen’s annus horribilus!” said Judy. “The terrible year back in 1992 when bad stuff happened — one of her castles even burned down.”

  “At least this is only one bad day,” said Jessica, trying to cheer Judy up.

  “Day-us horribilus!” Judy cried.

  “We can still eat cookies,” said Jessica. “And the tea will be iced tea.”

  Judy grabbed a crown-shaped cookie and dunked it in a cup of cold tea.

  “Disgusting!” said Jessica. “Dunking food in tea is bad manners.”

  What did she expect when a person came from a long line of rotten rat catchers? Judy dunked her cookie again.

  “I’m going down the street to check on something,” said Jessica. “I’ll be back in a flash.”

  Judy stared at the empty seats. This was not a right royal tea party. This was a wrong royal tea party. Because a party without friends was just plain no good. Horribilus.

  Stink burst into the tent with his smelly boy feet. Judy looked like she had a bad case of the Moody blues. She, Judy Moody, had boatloads of tea and no friends to drink it.

  “Where is everybody?” Stink asked.

  “My friends were no-shows,” said Judy. “Nobody came. Not even you.”

  “Maybe they got the day wrong,” said Stink.

  “Saturday? I just reminded everybody yesterday.”

  “Maybe they got the time wrong,” said Stink.

  “Everybody knows high tea is at four p.m. sharp, Stink.”

  “Maybe they don’t like tea,” said Stink.

  “Maybe they don’t like me,” said Judy. Even her swan napkin looked lonely.

  “What’s that noise?” They peered through the tent flap. Mom and Dad were blowing up . . . a bouncy castle!

  Judy and Stink zoomed across the yard. “Mom! Dad!” Judy called. “You said no bouncy castle!”

  “It was Jessica’s idea,” said Dad.

  “It’s Mrs. Soso’s from down the street,” said Mom.

  “I knew she was getting one for her grandkid’s birthday today,” said Jessica. “She said we could use it for free if we return it.”

  Judy gazed at the castle. It had four towers with turrets and four flags flying. It was filled with balls. It even had an inflatable drawbridge slide.

  “I need to borrow Stink for a minute,” said Jessica, pulling him out front.

  Judy crawled inside. She took a bounce. Once. Twice. She stopped. Bouncy castles were absotively, posilutely no fun when you didn’t have anybody to bounce with. ROAR!

  She, Judy Moody, was in a royal blue mood. Why didn’t she just listen to her friends in the first place? The tea party had been all about her — being a queen and getting a crown.

  Pooh. If only she had it to do over, she wouldn’t be such a Hooray Henrietta.

  Judy heard a bell ringing. She peeked out of the bouncy castle. Stink was standing on the front sidewalk, ringing a bell. “Hear ye, hear ye!” shouted Stink.

  “Her Royal Highness requests your presence at a royal tea party,” said Jessica.

  “Take a bounce in the bouncy castle,” called Stink.

  Rocky heard the bell from across the street at his house. Frank heard the bell on his way to Rocky’s house. Amy saw the bouncy castle on her ride home from hip-hop class. In no time, Judy’s friends were crowding into the bouncy castle.

  Let the royal bouncing begin!

  Rocky showed them how to do a flip and landed on his bum. Frank showed them how to pretend-fall and landed on his bum. Amy showed them crazy hip-hop dance moves. Jessica Finch bounced to third-grade spelling words. “S-E-C-R-E-T!”

  When they were all bounced out, Judy announced, “Time for the right royal tea party . . . and crowning!”

  Everybody groaned.

  “Tea sounds boring,” said Frank.

  “Sorry if I was a royal pain,” said Judy.

  “But I promise it will be smashing for everybody, not just me.”

  “Cross your heart and spit in a cat’s eye?” asked Rocky.

  “Cross my heart,” said Judy. “But I’m not going to spit on Mouse.”

  Judy’s friends trooped over to the T. P. tent. Ta-da! The tent winked and blinked and sparkled with twinkly lights. “Gold crowns for everyone!” said Judy. This time, her friends were going to get the royal treatment.

  “Rocky, I crown you Royal Magician,” said Judy.

  “Awesome!” said Rocky. “My first magic trick is to make this royal cookie disappear!” CHOMP. He ate it!

  “Frank, I crown you Royal Jester,” said Judy. “You make everybody laugh.”

  “I love jokes. When is a piece of wood like a queen? When it’s a ruler! What did the paste eater say to the queen? Stick with me!” Everybody cracked up.

  Judy crowned Jessica Finch. “You are the Royal Secret Keeper.” Wink, wink.

  “Are we going to have a race?” asked Amy. “You said the queen loves pigeon races.”

  “No pigeons,” said Judy. “But we can still have a race. I brought wind-up toys. Amy Namey, I crown you Royal Scribe. You can write about who wins the race.”

  “I accept, Your Ladyship,” said Amy, bending to receive her crown.

  “You forgot me,” said Stink. “Don’t give me a stinky job like Royal Bug Destroyer or Royal Rat Catcher or something.”

  “Or something.” Judy let out a nervous laugh. “Stink, I crown you Royal Clock Keeper.”

  “Sounds easy.”

  “Not if you work for the queen and have to wind up one thousand clocks!” said Judy.

  They played drop the hankie. They played guess what’s in the queen’s purse.

  Jessica took out an old patent leather purse. “Pretend this is one of the queen’s handbags. She has like three hundred of them. I played this game at Wolff Castle. I have a list of stuff that’s really in the qu
een’s purse. You guys have to try to guess what’s in it.”

  “Mints!” said Amy. “The queen can’t have bad breath.”

  “Crown jewels,” said Rocky.

  “Tennis racket!” yelled Stink.

  “Tea bags,” said Amy. “The queen can never be without tea.”

  “Hankies!” said Judy.

  “A key to the Tower of London,” said Frank.

  “Mints and hankies are correct,” said Jessica. She pulled out her list. “The queen also carries reading glasses, dog treats for her corgis, a crossword puzzle, a penknife, and goodluck charms. Plus a lipstick and a mirror.”

  “Wow! No way! Cool!” everybody said.

  “Guess what else. She uses her purse to send secret codes. Like if she puts her bag on the table, it means time to go in five minutes.”

  “Rare!” said Judy.

  At last it was time for the race. Judy took out a shoebox full of wind-up toys.

  “I’ll take the chicken,” said Amy. “It looks the most like a pigeon.”

  “I call the queen,” said Jessica.

  Judy wanted the queen, but she let Jessica have it. “I’ll take the sock monkey that jumps rope.”

  “Hmm. I can’t decide. Should I pick the wind-up eyeball or wind-up sushi?” Frank asked the others.

  “Sushi!” said Stink and Rocky at the same time.

  “Then I’ll take the clacking teeth,” said Rocky.

  “I call the wind-up pants,” said Stink.

  Judy and Rocky put down tape for the starting and finish lines. “Time for the Frog Neck Lakeshire Grand National Wind-Up Toy Championship!” called Judy. “Where’s our Royal Clock Keeper? Say when, Stink.”

  Everybody kneeled behind the starting line. They wound up their toys and held them in place. “Ready, set, GO!” yelled Stink.

  “And they’re off!” cried Amy.

  “C’mon, Sushi!” yelled Frank.

  “Go, Pants!” said Stink.

  “You can do it, Queen Elizabeth!” yelled Jessica.

  “Sock Monkey is in the lead,” said Amy. “Oh, wait. He stopped to jump rope.”

  “The Queen and the Pants are neck and neck,” cried Amy. “Chicken is close behind. The Clacking Teeth are taking a bite out of this race.”

  “Hurry up, Sushi!” Frank urged.

  “Sushi and Chicken are now bringing up the rear. The Pair of Pants is giving the queen a run for her money.

  “Too bad! Sock Monkey is winding down.

  “The Queen and Pants are still battling for the gold. Wait. We have a situation. The Pants are down!”

  “No fair!” Stink set the pants upright again. “The Queen knocked Pants over with her handbag.”

  “Go, Queenie!” shouted Jessica.

  “It’s the Queen and Pants in the lead. The Queen is a step ahead. Looks like the queen is . . . Wait. The Queen stopped to wave. Pair of Pants is in the lead. They’re close to the finish. We have a winner and it’s . . . Pair of Pants. The Pants win!”

  “You did it, Pants!” yelled Stink. “We won! You’re the best!”

  After the race, everybody sipped tea and noshed on yummy-scrummy crumb cakes.

  Just then, Missy the dog walker came by with three dogs. One of the dogs was a corgi named Queenie. No lie. Everyone rushed over to pet her.

  “I stopped by to give you a letter,” Missy said. “It came to our house by mistake. Looks important.”

  A letter? “Thanks!” said Judy. “It must be from Tori.”

  “No problem,” said Missy. “Say bye, Queenie.”

  Rocky looked over Judy’s shoulder. “It’s royal mail,” said Rocky.

  “With royal postage,” said Frank.

  “The postmark says Buckingham Palace. It’s from the queen!” Jessica squealed.

  “Cheese and crackers!” said Judy.

  Frank put his crown on Judy’s head. “We crown you Royal Letter Reader.”

  “Read it! Read it! Read it!” everybody chanted.

  R.R.C.! Royal Rat Catcher? The Queen’s Royal Rat Catcher wrote her a letter?

  “Look. It says R.R.C.,” said Jessica.

  Don’t break the pinkie promise!

  “It must be from the queen’s Right Royal Correspondent,” said Jessica.

  Phew! It was the perfect end to a perfect party. It wasn’t horribilus at all. “This T. P. is T. P.” Judy announced. Her friends looked at her funny.

  “This Tea Party is Total Pants.”

  Stink held his wind-up pants in the air. “Yeah it is! The Pants rule all!”

  “I hate to tell you,” said Jessica, “but pants is not a good thing. Pants means bad. Awful. Total nonsense. I think it also means undies in England.”

  “It does?” said Judy.

  “It does?” said Stink.

  “You really know your onions,” said Judy.

  “This party is total undies!” yelled Stink.

  Tickety-boo. Judy Moody had held a right royal tea party after all. And it was spot-on smashing. The bee’s knees. Fit for a queen!

  Across the pond: Across the Atlantic Ocean, which is between England and the United States. That’s a mighty big pond!

  Annus horribilus: Bad year; a year of disaster.

  At sixes and sevens: Not a math problem; a state of confusion, a mess.

  Bee’s knees: Sweet and good; cool.

  Blimey: An exclamation of surprise.

  Blue bloods: Royal, of noble blood.

  Brilliant: Very good, cool, ace.

  Brill: Short for brilliant.

  Brolly: A jolly umbrella, by golly!

  Bunting: Paper or plastic decorations, such as streamers or strings of flags.

  Cheerio: Not the cereal. This means hello or good-bye.

  Cheese and crackers!: Not a teatime treat. It means gee whiz, gosh, golly, for crying out loud.

  Crumpets: This may sound like an instrument, but it’s a griddle cake eaten with butter and jam, like an English muffin.

  Egg cup: Not an award for laying an egg. It’s a holder for a hard-boiled egg.

  Fortnight: Not a campout. This means two weeks.

  Gobsmacked: Amazed! Not to be confused with gobstoppers (jawbreakers).

  Hankie: Short for a handkerchief; used to blow one’s nose. ’Snot nice to sneeze without a hankie!

  High tea: Drinking tea atop the London Eye? Nah. It’s a treat eaten in late afternoon in Britain. It might include tea, sandwiches, scones, or cake.

  Hooray Henrietta: The female version of Hooray Henry, meaning stuck-up or snooty.

  Jam pennies: One-cent pieces covered in jelly? NOT! They’re tiny jam sandwiches with the crusts cut off, cut into circles the size of an old English penny. Hold the peanut butter!

  Keep Calm and Carry On: This saying started on a British poster during WWII. Today the message is spread through T-shirts, ball caps, mugs, and souvenirs.

  Knickers: Undies, of course. Just ask Captain Knickerpants.

  Knickers in a twist: Undies in a tornado? No way. It just means confused or annoyed.

  Know your onions: To know a lot of info about a subject.

  Loo: Bathroom, toilet.

  Nappies: It’s not a short sleep. It’s a baby’s diaper. P.U.!

  Nosy parker: Busybody; someone who butts into your business.

  Piccadilly of a twist: A dilly is a real humdinger. Piccadilly is a famous street in London that ends at a place called Piccadilly Circus.

  Posh: Fancy, high class, richy-rich. Jessica Finch would like to think so!

  Right royal: Extremely exciting and fun.

  Shire: A county in England. Bedfordshire is one.

  Sixpence: Sing a song of this British money, a coin that has a value of 2½ pence. It might buy you a pocketful of rye.

  Smashing: No broken dishes here. This means terrific, as in a smashing idea.

  Spot-on: Exactly right, perfect, well done.

  Starkers: Mad or cuckoo crazy. Can also mean bare naked!

  Telly: Hold the ph
one. This means TV/television.

  Tickety-boo: It’s all good, everything is fine.

  Total pants: A bummer! Not good, nonsense, bad, rubbish.

  Wicked: Cool or amazing, as in “wicked good.”

  Wonky: When something is not right or odd. Willy Wonka is wonky.

  This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are either products of the author’s imagination or, if real, are used fictitiously.

  Text copyright © 2018 by Megan McDonald

  Illustrations copyright © 2018 by Peter H. Reynolds

  Judy Moody font copyright © 2003 by Peter H. Reynolds

  Judy Moody®. Judy Moody is a registered trademark of Candlewick Press, Inc.

  All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced, transmitted, or stored in an information retrieval system in any form or by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, taping, and recording, without prior written permission from the publisher.

  First electronic edition 2018

  Library of Congress Catalog Card Number pending

  The illustrations in this book were done in watercolor, tea, and ink.

  Candlewick Press

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  Somerville, Massachusetts 02144

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