Closed Doors

by Lisa O'Donnell

  Paul and I make a run for it but Ma is very fast on her feet. She pulls Paul to the ground first and starts smacking him with the magazine. It’s Da who pulls her away.

  ‘Rosemary, for fuck’s sake,’ says Da.

  Poor Paul is screaming his head off and I’ve lost my football. People start to come out of their houses and everyone is staring at Ma, who is red with anger, her face wet with spit.

  ‘What the fuck are you all looking at?’ she yells.

  It’s like she’s surrounded by cattle, but then Paul’s ma shows up and when she sees Paul crying on the ground pointing at Ma she goes mental.

  ‘I’ll get the police on to you for this, Rosemary Murray,’ she cries and gathers Paul from the ground.

  ‘He’s a little pervert,’ screeches Ma.

  ‘Michael looked too,’ says Paul.

  ‘I did not,’ I say and I didn’t. I wanted to play football.

  Ma lunges for me anyway, but Da holds her back.

  ‘That’s enough,’ screams Da.

  Ma rages at me. Her face is all twisted like she hates me more than anyone in the whole world, but the next thing she’s looking around at the neighbours. They might as well be mooing her, they’re like big cows chewing cud. They can’t believe what they’re seeing or hearing.

  ‘Look at you. Staring. You’re all fucking perverts with your talking and your watching and your thinking. Every one of you. Perverted,’ she yells out.

  ‘Come on, love,’ says Da and he’s dragging her away. I see the McFadden curtains twitch but no one comes out of their house. Ma sees too. It slows her down a bit. She folds into Da’s arms and we go back to the house. The crowd melts away. I am slow to follow my ma and my da. I wonder what will happen to me when I get home. Mostly I wonder if Ma thinks I am a pervert too. Maybe I am.

  FORTY-FOUR

  DA’S FIRST DAY of work is a huge celebration. Ma makes us all a fry-up with sausages, eggs, black pudding and potato scones. I love potato scones. They are my most favourite in the whole world. Granny pulls out a tin for Da’s sandwiches and a flask for his tea. He feels like a big man all right. He puts on his work clothes and a long belt of tools around his waist. Ma goes with him to the harbour and takes Frankie with her. She is going to take a walk to the port. I have to go to school otherwise I would go with her. I ask her if she has more studying to do, she says no, but this isn’t true, though Ma hasn’t looked at a book in weeks. She’s very nervous because of the court case, everyone is, but we pretend not to be.

  Mrs McFadden takes her baby all over the scheme, but she never goes far. Ma and Mrs McFadden nod when they see one another and smile a little, but only a little, there’s a line between them now. Ma can’t poke her head into Mrs McFadden’s pram and Mrs McFadden can’t pat Frankie on the head or anything like that. It’s small smiles and awkward nods of the head and passing by quickly. It’s all that’s wanted right now.

  The kids on the scheme are playing with me again but things are a bit boring on the weekends. The rain has been terrible and when we’re at school we have to play indoors and sometimes Mrs Roy makes us play games I hate. She’s always trying to teach us how to play chess. I like Twister, but someone always gets hurt at Twister and the game is ended. I don’t know why she has it all. I suppose I like Operation the best with the funny little man on his back with his great orange nose making a right noise when you pick pieces of his body from him, but all the parts are missing and Mrs Roy has these tiny little bits of paper in there in place of his bones and his heart and his lungs and they’re very hard to pick up with the tweezers and so you always lose.

  When it rains at weekends we mostly play together at Fat Ralph’s house. Fat Ralph’s ma is a really nice ma. She always has good things to eat and tells me I’m a beautiful boy. She tells Paul he’s a wild man. He loves that. He’s stupid, that Paul.

  When we are playing soldiers and I am winning Fat Ralph says, ‘Michael, my ma says your ma is very brave for going to court to get the pervert man.’

  At first I want to punch Fat Ralph for even mentioning it but I can see how scared he is and so I’m also thinking it was a nice thing to say.

  ‘And what does your ma think?’ I ask Paul, knowing fine well what his mother thinks.

  ‘Who cares about my ma?’ he says, staring at Fat Ralph’s swirly brown carpet. ‘I just hope they get the man that hurt Mrs McFadden and left her in the Woody like that. He should go to jail for ever and ever.’

  ‘He should have his prick cut off, that’s what my ma says.’ We all laugh at Fat Ralph spitting the word prick like that.

  ‘He should have his brains bashed in and it should be our feet that do it. We’d bash him and bash him and bash him,’ says Paul.

  I jump on the bed.

  ‘I’d do kung-fu chops on him like this,’ I say.

  ‘I’d saw his head off like this,’ says Fat Ralph and makes the noise of a chainsaw.

  ‘I’d make you fart on his face,’ says Paul to Fat Ralph and that has us rolling about.

  ‘I wish I had been in the Woody before he hurt Mrs McFadden. I would have caught him and killed him with the biggest stick I could find.’ I fall to the side of the bed.

  No one agrees or disagrees; we’re just quiet for a bit and glad when Fat Ralph’s ma brings us Lemon Barley Water and sandwiches with chicken paste. I give Fat Ralph’s ma my best smile and not for the sandwiches but for having good thoughts for my ma; she needs all the good thoughts she can get right now.

  FORTY-FIVE

  DA WINS THE pools, it’s not a mad amount of money but it’s enough to fill Grandpa Jake’s savings account again. We’ve been dipping into it all year.

  ‘With all the trouble we’ve had it’s a godsend,’ says Granny, who thinks God only sends good things to good people, but never mentions the things the Devil sends to good people.

  ‘Fortune is smiling on us, Rosemary. Fortune is smiling on us.’ Da gives Ma a big sloppy kiss on the cheek. ‘You can concentrate on your studies now, love, forget the job,’ he says.

  ‘I like the job,’ says Ma.

  ‘Whatever you like,’ he says.

  Da agrees with everything Ma says right now because she is nearing the court case and frightened to death to face her attacker again. I want to go with her and hold her hand. I also want to throw a punch at him, but Da says I can’t.

  ‘It’s no place for children,’ he tells me.

  ‘But I know all there is to know, Da. I’ve been listening in the kitchen for ages. I want to see him.’

  ‘Michael, there are things you can never know. There are things Ma will have to say about the attack, things she hasn’t even said to me. I’m sorry, son.’

  ‘What things has she not said to you?’ I ask.

  ‘Don’t, Michael.’ Da’s face goes red.

  ‘Fine. Don’t tell me. I don’t care anyway.’ I stomp off to the Woody. Dirty Alice is there. She’s everywhere.

  ‘Hi, Michael,’ she smiles.

  ‘Hi,’ I say but I’m wondering about the smile and her friendly way.

  ‘You shouldn’t come here on your own,’ I say. ‘It’s dangerous for girls.’

  ‘No one would touch me,’ says Dirty Alice.

  ‘How do you know?’

  ‘He’s caught now and anyway I’d have kicked his balls in for him,’ she says and she probably would have, but I remember Ma’s face when he touched her and know it wouldn’t be enough.

  ‘Sure you would,’ I say.

  ‘Your ma is going to court tomorrow,’ says Dirty Alice.

  ‘What if she is?’ I say.

  ‘I’m just saying,’ she whispers.

  She looks hurt and it makes me feel bad.

  ‘I want to go,’ I say.

  ‘Go where?’ she asks.

  ‘To the court and kill him.’

  ‘You should.’

  ‘Don’t be stupid.’

  ‘It’s what I would do. I’d take a kitchen knife and sneak on the ferry and get to the
courthouse and stab him to death in the guts,’ she says.

  We mull it over for a while.

  ‘We’d end up in Juvenile Hall,’ I say.

  ‘Probably. Maybe your da will do it,’ she says.

  ‘Nah, he has a new job and we won some money on the pools,’ I tell her.

  ‘Tell him you want to go on holiday, maybe go to Greece. It’s magic in Greece,’ she says.

  ‘I hate Greece,’ I say, thinking of her stupid boyfriend probably waiting for her on a beach with roses or something stupid like that. I remember how much I hate Dirty Alice. I give her a scowl. She turns to the spot where her ma was found.

  ‘Why don’t we go to the courthouse anyway?’ Alice says. ‘We can sneak on the ferry and wait for him when he goes into the courtroom. I’ll boot him in the nuts and then we can run away.’

  ‘What will I do?’ I ask.

  She has a think to herself. ‘Spit on him. Your germs will kill him,’ she says.

  I don’t like that much and she knows it, but then she smiles to remind me she’s just joking and that makes me feel better.

  ‘OK, I’ll spit on him, you kick him in the nuts,’ she says.

  ‘I don’t have any money for the ferry,’ I tell her.

  ‘I have enough for both of us,’ she says.

  ‘You would pay for me to go on the ferry?’ I ask.

  ‘I will,’ she says.

  ‘That’s very nice of you, Alice.’ I don’t say Dirty Alice. It’s a very expensive boat ride.

  ‘We’ll be on the eight o’clock, your ma and da will be on the six thirty.’

  ‘What about school?’ I ask.

  ‘Fuck school. This is important.’

  And she’s right. This is important.

  FORTY-SIX

  I HAD SOME money saved in my piggy bank, except it’s not really a piggy bank, it’s a football with a slot and it only has a pound in it.

  Alice was right in the end, Ma and Da did get the six thirty and what a noise they made about it. Ma was shouting about this thing and that thing. Da was calming her down and telling her they wouldn’t miss the boat and everything would be fine.

  ‘Would you stop changing your clothes?’ says Da.

  ‘The lawyer says the jury want to see a decent woman; I’ll be standing next to a prostitute. She will look like she deserved it. I can’t look like anyone except a mother, it will help us both,’ says Ma.

  ‘They won’t think you’re a prostitute, Rosemary,’ says Da.

  ‘You don’t know what they’ll think. None of us do,’ says Ma.

  Eventually the door closes and I get ready for my own boat ride.

  ‘What are you up to today?’ says Granny.

  ‘Nothing. I’m going to school,’ I say.

  ‘Well, be sure to behave yourself. This is not a day for trouble,’ says Granny. ‘It’s the last thing any of us need.’

  I nod, but I know I’m going to be in a whole heap of trouble and so is Alice.

  At a quarter to eight we meet in the Woody and make our way to the ferry. We’re worried someone will recognise us. It’s so busy no one really notices, but just in case we decide to hide in the toilet until the boat docks at the other side.

  The ferry takes a long time, especially when you’re stuck in a toilet with Alice who isn’t saying too much. There’s only one porthole and you can hear the swishing of the waters under the boat. People knock on the door like a hundred times but there is another toilet and they use that without too much fussing. Although, one time, the other toilet gets occupied by someone who takes a right long time and annoys the other passenger, but it passes and everyone gets to go to the toilet and no one bothers Alice and me.

  ‘My ma changed her mind,’ whispers Alice. ‘She’s gone to Glasgow too.’

  ‘Is that why you’re all moody?’ I ask.

  She nods her head. ‘My ma says your ma doesn’t stand a chance in court on her own because she took so long telling anyone, also the other woman is a prostitute and who’s going to believe someone like her? My da says no one believes prostitutes.’

  ‘Don’t say that. She got hurt the same as everyone else my ma says.’

  ‘But prostitutes sell their bodies to anyone, the pervert will just say she sold it to him, that’s what Luke says. He thinks it’s all a waste of time and everyone will get hurt.’

  ‘Luke is a fanny, Alice.’ I wonder if she’ll go mad at that. He is her brother.

  ‘I suppose so,’ she says.

  ‘I think it’s great and brave of your ma to testify, my ma will be made up,’ I say.

  ‘But it also might be very bad,’ she says.

  ‘Why?’ I say, getting annoyed.

  ‘Luke says no one is going to believe any of them. Ma already made a mistake saying it was Patrick Thompson and your ma took ages to tell anyone. Luke says Ma’s putting herself through the wringer and for no good reason. Luke says she’ll get hurt and our curtains will close again with all the sadness we had before.’

  Alice starts to cry.

  ‘That’s not true,’ I tell Alice. ‘Luke is a smarty-pants who thinks he knows it all,’ I say. ‘But he doesn’t. Not all the time.’

  ‘But he might be right.’

  ‘He might not be,’ I say.

  Someone knocks on the door.

  ‘What’s going on in there?’ comes a voice.

  ‘Can a girl not have some peace to do her business?’ Alice makes a fart sound. I almost burst my hole. The door-knocker moves on and the captain tells everyone it is docking time.

  The train is a right laugh. We slag off everyone we know for being stupid and tell all kinds of stories on them. There aren’t too many secrets on our island, but I don’t tell Alice about Marianne and her fanny, that is a special kind of secret and I know Alice wouldn’t want to hear it anyway. I don’t think I’ll ever tell anyone in my whole wide life.

  When we get to the train station we have to ask where the Glasgow High Court is and of course it’s miles away and we will have to walk, having no money for a black taxi.

  It is a long journey from the station and when we get there we see all kinds of people scattered across the steps looking nervous and smoking cigarettes. Mostly people are wearing suits, but some aren’t. They must be the criminals, I think, or friends of criminals. I check my own clothes, a duffel coat and trainers, a bag for my soldiers and Granny’s jam sandwiches. We think we are invisible until a policeman gives us a look because he knows we shouldn’t be there and so we leave the steps and make out we are just passing by.

  Eventually we come back to the steps of the court. It is a big place, Glasgow High Court, and we don’t know how to get in. It feels like everyone is looking at us, wondering what terrible crime we might have committed. They don’t know we are not supposed to be there, we could be going to Juvenile Hall for all they know. Alice holds my hand.

  ‘Let’s go in,’ she says.

  ‘I don’t know, Alice,’ I say. The cold is making me feel a little bit shaky and I really don’t know. I think maybe we should go home, but I know Alice will boke at the idea.

  ‘What the fuck are you doing here?’ comes a voice. It’s Tricia Law and with a fag in her hand.

  ‘I’ve come to see the rapist,’ Alice shouts and people stare.

  ‘Me too,’ I say, but not like Alice said it.

  ‘Is that right?’ says Tricia. ‘And then what?’

  ‘I’ll kick his nuts,’ I say.

  Tricia laughs. ‘You won’t get near him. There’s two policemen and a lawyer guarding the bastard.’ She takes a long drag of her fag and then throws it on the ground and stubs it into the pavement.

  ‘Your da will go spare when he sees you’re here.’

  ‘I don’t care,’ I say.

  Tricia rustles in her bag and gives Alice and me some Juicy Fruit, but mostly to get herself another fag.

  ‘Have you seen my ma?’ asks Alice.

  ‘She’s testified already. She’s waiting with Michael’s
ma. It was very brave of her to show up like that. Very brave. You must be proud of her, Alice,’ says Tricia.

  ‘I am but Luke says she is fragile,’ says Alice.

  ‘If that’s what Luke says, then it must be true,’ says Tricia, smoking.

  I like that she says this because it means she thinks Luke is a big know-it-all like me and a little bit annoying. She also thinks Mrs McFadden is stronger than we all think. She’s right because Mrs McFadden has testified and is having tea with my ma.

  ‘I want to know the verdict,’ I say.

  ‘You do? Then you’re braver than me,’ says Tricia, who taps nervously on her cigarette. ‘So you want to see him, Michael? Is that why you’re here?’

  ‘I do,’ I say.

  ‘Then be patient. We’ll need to go round the back,’ says Tricia. ‘We can see him when court has finished for the day. ‘Could be a while yet.’

  ‘What does he look like?’ I ask.

  ‘He’s tall, built like a brick shithouse and has red hair and a beard. He’s wearing a suit, but that’s probably for the trial to make him look like a respectable gentleman instead of the monster that he really is,’ says Tricia.

  ‘What about Da? He must be going mad,’ I say.

  ‘He’s there for your ma. We don’t need scenes today. You should go home.’

  ‘You said I could see him,’ I remind her.

  ‘Do you think your ma wants that, Michael? Do you think either of your mas wants you to see this monster?’

  I’m not sure and neither is Alice.

  ‘Come on and we’ll get you home,’ says Tricia.

  ‘I want to kick his nuts,’ I say miserably.

  ‘Michael, I’ve been in there. The lawyer kicked his arse into next week. Trust me. This man is going to prison and he’ll get his nuts kicked in then.’

  ‘Do you promise?’ I ask.

  ‘I swear it,’ and then she gives a little puff of her cigarette and she’s all nervous and so I know she isn’t sure. Grown-ups get it wrong all the time, it’s the reason we’re there.

  I get in the taxi with Alice and when we are sitting tight on our chairs I jump out the other side of the car.