His Soul to Hold (The Dark Knights of Heaven Book 2)

by TW Knight

On some level, he knew he had lost her. She'd never trust him again.

  Just tell her. Sam's words rang through his head.

  Tell her what? The truth— he couldn't even admit the truth to himself. The thought stopped him dead. He had admitted it— most of it, anyway —there on the cliff. The words poured from him like blood.

  The wind shifted, carrying with it cinnamon and snow.

  Bree was nearby.

  Fuckin' universe, Bass grumbled.

  "Okay fine," he said to the clouds. "I get it. I'll go talk to her."

  It didn't take him long to find her, but where he found her surprised him. Bree sat on the beach watching the breakers. The storm-chilled foam rolled up the sand to kiss her toes.

  With a sigh, Bass plopped down next to her. "Your ass is getting wet," he said, hoping to lighten the mood. She didn't so much as blink.

  New tactic.

  "I'm a jackass."

  "Truth."

  "Truth." He scoffed. "Yeah, not something I'm good at. Have you ever told yourself a lie for so long, it becomes the truth, if only in your own mind?"

  Bree shrugged. "I guess so. I kept telling myself that one day I'd have a regular life. Tried really hard to make it work, but oh well." She turned to look at him from the corner of her eye. "But that's not the kind of lie you're talking about, is it?"

  "I lied to you." The words tumbled out. "I lied to you standing in the hall."

  "I thought you couldn't lie to me?"

  "Is it a lie if I believe it's the truth?"

  They sat quietly for several minutes before Bree answered, "That's why you looked like someone stabbed you. We’re you fighting whatever keeps you from lying to me?"

  "Look, I really do believe that you'd be better off without me. That's not a lie. But I don't want to need you, so saying I don't need you was a lie. Sort of." He let his head drop forward to his knees. "I suck at this shit."

  "Do you know what I was thinking about?"

  "Ways to kill me?"

  "No. Well, yes." Her lips twitched in a half smile. "I was thinking about how weird it is that after all this time, you guys are finding your soul-keepers. Like someone, or something, is moving us around like game pieces. Matching us up."

  "Kaz and Serephina don't match."

  "Not romantically, but just from what little I've seen, he needs her to balance him out. She may not be his lover, but she's his connection to what it means to be something other than a warrior. I've seen her put him in his place more than once."

  "What about us?" Bass stretched his legs in front of him.

  "I think I'm supposed to balance you." Bree shifted, pulling her shirt hem. "I think that's what we're all here for. Balance."

  "Bree—"

  "I understand if your feelings aren't the same as mine. As deep. I just want to understand why you don't want to try and make it work. Why, when things get too serious, you push me away. And you're right, I'd like more from you, but if you can't give me that, then I need to know why."

  Bass stood and walked to the edge of the pounding surf. The storm moved off, but the clouds remained high, allowing the setting sun to set the space between sea and sky afire. "I told myself a lie so many times, it became my truth."

  "I don't understand."

  He swallowed trying to force the words out. "I don't— I don't—" Warmth wrapped around him and his hands drifted up to cover Bree's where they rested on his abdomen. Her cheek rested on his back, on the dragon she feared. He was lost. "Do you remember that I told you I won't love you? That I couldn't?" Bree's hair rubbed his back, indicating she nodded. "I should have said that I don't think I can love you. Or couldn't. I don't know. What I mean is—"

  Bass pulled away and turned to face her.

  "I was born, if you want to call it that, in Heaven— fully grown. A man. I spent a thousand years there learning how to teach the humans to work with the lay lines. Did you know I'm the youngest of the guys here? I wasn't on Earth more than a decade when I got pulled back with the others." He took a deep breath. "I never formed any of the relationships the others had. You wouldn't guess it now, but I was an introvert when I first arrived on Earth. I didn't have friends amongst the humans, just students. And few friends amongst my fellow angels. Then I was back in Heaven being punished because I stood up for my friends and spoke out against the humans being destroyed.

  "It didn't matter. From Heaven I watched the world swept clean. I watched my brothers and sisters go mad with loss. Did you know there were more than three hundred of us? Only just over two hundred were left when we were exiled. Some gave up on life, went into the Void, and stayed there. Their spirits refused to return. They died. When I saw that side of the connections they'd made, it scared me shitless. I felt lucky I'd never met anyone special."

  "What was the lie you told yourself?" Bree's voice barely carried over the crashing waves.

  "That I didn't need to love or be loved. I didn't want to be loved. I was fine being alone." He framed her face in his hands. "I decided I didn't want to make that kind of connection so I couldn't be hurt. This hedonist bastard is a mask, Bree. I created him to protect myself. If I never got close to anyone, I'd never have to worry about losing them. And then I met you." Leaning forward, he rested his forehead against hers. "What you made me feel scared me so fuckin' much, I did something really stupid that first night."

  "What?"

  "After you left the hanger, when I was supposed to be helping the guys pack up your stuff, I took off to find a quick fuck."

  Bree pushed him back, hurt and disgust in her eyes. "You what?"

  "I said I went looking for one, okay I found one, but nothing happened." He took a tentative step forward. "We got drunk, went back to her place, and drank some more. When she passed out, I put her to bed and told her we had a great time. Then I left. I couldn't fuck her and I felt guilty about the whole thing. I didn't even really know you yet and still I felt like I'd betrayed you."

  There was no sound except the crashing waves for a full minute. Bass stood still, watching different emotions flit across Bree's face.

  When Bree finally spoke, she kept her voice soft and low, but her words struck him with the force of a speeding semi.

  "I get that we weren't anything to each other then, but I can't believe you did that to me."

  "I'm a coward, Bree, plain and simple. I thought if I fucked some random chick, it would show me what I was feeling was only the soul-bond. That it wasn't real. But it didn't work, Bree, that's what I'm trying to say. All I could think of was you."

  ***

  Bree turned and walked up the beach to the brush line. The water was still chilly and the low-hung sun burned her eyes. Good enough reason for the tears she shed. That first night she'd felt so connected to him and he'd gone off to—

  She shook the thought away and another slid in.

  "Wait, what were you feeling that scared you so much?"

  "You were so easy to talk to. We just fell into the conversation like old friends. It felt good. And—" He turned away, running his fingers through his hair.

  "And what?"

  "When you touched me, it was like no one ever..." He growled and strode toward her with determination in his eyes.

  Bree stepped back, a rabbit in a lion's path. Bass took her in his arms, kissing her breath away, and she never wanted him to stop.

  When he finally set her down, they both panted.

  "What happened when I touched you," Bree whispered.

  "I felt alive for the first time in my entire existence."

  Chapter Forty-Four

  The world slipped away with the wind.

  "What," she managed to squeak, still reeling from his kiss— a kiss which branded her to her very core. He had to tell the truth. He didn't force the words out; no pain showed in his eyes.

  "I mean it, Bree. All those things I said on the cliff— the drinking, the fucking and fighting, throwing myself into danger, none of it compares to being with you. You make me feel
, I don't know, filled?"

  "Fulfilled," she hazarded.

  "I guess. All I know is I haven't felt as empty inside since that first night sitting on your cot just talking. I liked it. I liked you, and that's why I tried to push you away. I'm no good for you. I've done horrible, selfish, stupid things—"

  Bree shut him up with a mind-numbing kiss of her own. When she finally let go to take a breath, she laughed. "I was right."

  "About what?"

  "I'm your match. I know you don't see it, but I was just as empty as you. But instead of trying to fill myself with alcohol and one night stands, I filled up on knowledge. I threw myself into my studies. That was the most important thing to me next to Sam. But since I've been here, since I've been with you, I've realized there's more. My whole life I've been holding it together for Sam, and now, now I don't have to. We have people in our lives that will help us. Who want to help us?" She shook her head and leaned into his chest. "God I didn't realize how alone I felt. How hard I was trying to stay connected to the world by clinging to the one thing I had that was normal."

  "I presume you mean college since Sam is, well... Out there."

  Bree punched his arm. "Yes, I meant school. I needed a sense of routine, structure. When we stayed someplace longer than a month, I tried to make it like a real home." She sighed. "You were right when you told Sam that the definition of normal is subjective. I guess I was really looking for the life I thought I would have had if the demons hadn't found us."

  "It's good to dream, Bree. Dreams help us better ourselves. I stopped dreaming a long time ago and look what I turned into— a bastard pig who cares more about what new weapon he could lay his hands on and the next woman he could get into his bed."

  "You really never wanted someone in your life?"

  "Until a year or so ago, we never considered finding our soul-keepers so the thought never entered my mind. After all that happened in the past, I knew there was no way I was ever going to find someone who would accept me. Besides, how could I date in this day and age? She'd try to Google me and want to know where I flashed off to all the time, and why I'd come home smelling like road kill covered in blood." He chuckled.

  "You have a point." Bree laughed and wiped away the tears still streaking her cheeks. "Do you think that's why you guys are finding us now?"

  "I thought you said it was to balance us."

  "Love, caring, is a kind of balance. A connection to what you're fighting to save."

  "Yeah, then I do think that's the reason. I don't know about the others, but I've kind of been doing my job without caring about the reason why." Bass stepped back. "If you're right, that brings up a scary thought."

  "What?" Tremors started in her stomach and worked their way up to her heart; it skipped a beat.

  "If we were never meant to meet our soul keepers, why are we finding you now? Hell, we couldn't even think about looking for you until recently. Actually, only Rail and I seem to be able to think about it."

  "Do you think it has something to do with the discord Hogart mentioned? Do you think someone is helping?"

  "I don't know, but I think it's something we all need to sit down and discuss."

  ***

  "Fuckin' hell!" Kaz slammed his fist against the table; everything on it jumped. "Like we don't have enough going on." With and exasperated groan, he slid back in his chair, hands over his face.

  "It's a possibility we never considered. Never would have considered until this past year. My bond with Cassidy changed all of that. Erased the compulsion from me. I think this is something we need to consider."

  Bass cleared his throat. "I think my bond with Bree has erased the compulsion from me, as well. Or at least lessened it."

  "Not this stupid compulsion crap again," Boomer groused. "Every time you start talking about it, my head hurts. Just skip it. We have our soul-keepers right here."

  "According to the rule, we shouldn't have them," Bass reminded his friend. Feeling lighter than he had in ages, he turned to smile at Bree. "I, we, think we need to start considering that there's more going on behind the scenes. That it's more than just universal luck."

  "You think it is one of the dissenters Michael mentioned?" Hogart didn't wait for an answer. "It would have to be someone higher up in the ranks than the common rabble such as us."

  "What if it's the missing Seer?" Gina addressed Bass directly. "Like we talked about before. Remember there's one in Hell, one in hiding, and one you think is dead? I don't think she's dead. I think she's hiding in Heaven and that's who's helping you."

  "I agree," Bree jumped in. "We were talking among ourselves about that prophecy you were trying to interpret, and I think Gina's theory is the best we've got."

  Silence hung in the room for several minutes. Bass studied Bree from the corner of his eye.

  Kaz let out a long sigh. "Gina's got a point. The law of balance has to be maintained. There has always been three Seers, three sisters, three phases of the Great Mother."

  "Well, since we know one of the Seers is in Hell on team Lucifer does that mean we're going to start hunting for the other two," Rail asked.

  "Eventually." Kaz stood and stretched. "Right now, I think we need to consider trying to make contact with the rebellious angels in Heaven."

  Various levels of grumbling rolled around the conference room.

  "I think," Hogart started. "That mission should fall on me. Having just been punished and humiliated by Michael, they may be willing to contact me if I make it known I'm open to meeting with them."

  "What if that's the reason they sent you back?" Sam shifted in his chair, obviously agitated. Were the meds wearing off? "I mean, what if Michael sent you back hoping these guys would contact you? Then he'd be able to find them. He found you."

  Hogart nodded sagely. "I thought of that. As I'm sure these dissenters have. I've been thinking on the how and why I returned just in time to save you. My first thought is that Michael is using this as an opportunity, hoping as you said, that I will draw out these rebels for him to crush. My other thought is that Michael sent me back to the island not caring where I landed and someone else directed my return to save Sam. Without you and your sister here to protect against Michael's plans, there would be no reason for me to stay." He shrugged. "We'll just have to see what plays out."

  "At least Michael cleared out the compulsion he implanted in your mind." Bass looked at Hogart with a raised eyebrow. "No more arguments in your head whether or not you should kill Bree and Sam?"

  "To kill them?" Hogart's lips curled into a cold smile. "No, not them."

  Bree punched Bass in the arm. "Seriously. We're past that. You weren't worried when we sat with him for hours in the infirmary."

  Bass gave her an innocent, but heated look. "Just checking."

  Epilogue

  The meeting wound down, finishing with a longer question list than they'd started with. When Kaz called for a halt so they could run patrols, Bass jumped from his chair, grabbed Bree, and made a quick escape.

  All he could think about was getting her alone and naked.

  "Bass." She laughed. "Slow down."

  Bass skidded to a stop, gathering Bree in his arms when she careened into him. "Sorry. I just need to be with you."

  "Oh." She nibbled her lower lip. "Can you wait just a little longer? Sam's going to leave with Hogart this evening and I wanted to help him pack and say good-bye."

  "Forgive me for being a selfish ass?"

  "Of course, silly." Bree stood on tiptoe and planted a heated kiss on his lips. Before she pulled away, Bass lifted her, devouring her mouth, his tongue teasing hers.

  When they were reduced to panting, he lowered her to the floor.

  "If you're going to help your brother pack, you'd better go now." Bass gazed at her, transfixed. She glowed in the light thrown by his eyes.

  Bree clasped his hand and tugged him after her. "Come with me. I don't want to spend a minute away from you."

  Bass took a few deep brea
ths to regain control. Sam might mistake his glowing eyes for aggression rather than arousal and flip out.

  At the top of the landing, shouts and cursing rang in the hall. "Oh no!" Bree took off. "Sam must be having another episode."

  Bass flashed past her and burst into the room to find Sam sitting on the floor next to Hogart playing video games.

  "What the fuck?"

  "Just blowing off some steam before we leave." Sam's intense gaze never left the TV screen.

  Hogart set his controller aside, shrugging when his avatar exploded, and joined Bass at the door. Bree squeezed past them. "He was feeling agitated, jumpy. I thought this would help."

  "Did his meds wear off?"

  "No. Zach cut them back. He said the boy needs to learn how to deal with the PTSD. How to control his urges. We decided to stay until morning to be sure this dosage will work."

  Bass glanced over Hogart's shoulder. Sam gave Bree a hug, then shoved her toward the door with a, "See you in the morning," before returning to his electronic destruction.

  "So," she said sideling up to him with a big smile. "Looks like we have some time, after all."

  Bass didn't give her a second to change her mind before he swooped into his arms and carried her across the hall to his room.

  ***

  Bree squealed when Bass threw her onto the bed and pounced her, pinning her hands over her head. She relaxed, welcoming what was to come next.

  Nuzzling her neck, Bass released her hands and traced his fingers down her arms. Propping himself on his elbows, he stared at her. He didn't make a move to strip her.

  Perplexed, Bree asked, "What are you thinking?" His eyes held a seriousness she hadn't seen before— not even on the beach a few hours earlier.

  "I'm thinking how much I like just holding you. Having you near me."

  "Is that all?" She ran her fingers over his face, and up over his new spiky hair cut.

  "We've chased each other long enough. Our souls playing hit and miss through time. I don't know why the bond between us is so strong, but I think it's time we stop fighting it."