The Risks We Take

by Barbara C. Doyle

  “But you do.”

  She just grumbles to herself.

  “I should probably let you go,” I tell her, knowing she needs to get ready.

  “You haven’t told me anything about you,” she points out. “I think it’s only fair. After all, you started this conversation.”

  I smile, telling myself she’s stalling for more time. “Don’t worry. We’ll have plenty of time for the get-to-know-yous later on.”

  “Uh, we will?”

  “Yep. Tour is ending early, so you’ll see me within the next month or so. Maybe by then, life will settle down for the both of us, and you’ll be able to enjoy our time together without added stress.”

  There’s a frown to her voice. “Your life doesn’t seem to ever become less stressful.”

  I shrug. “People don’t bother me in my hometown because I have an agreement. I can get the same agreement for West Haven.”

  “Wait, what? Why would you be in West Haven?”

  I shake my head, her naivety amusing me.

  “You see, there’s a girl there,” I explain lightly, “and she’s determined to get to know me despite her better judgement. I have to appease her. I was thinking movie and a dinner. Some light chatting.”

  Complete silence.

  “Kasey?”

  “Ian, I’m … I’m with Jake.”

  Another kick in the gut.

  I stare at the carpet like it’s just become the most interesting thing in the room.

  “I see.”

  “And I think that you coming back is great, but I don’t think that it should be because of me, because I’m not worth it.”

  Not worth it.

  “You are,” I argue quietly. “Jesus, Kasey. The more you put yourself down, the more I want to prove you wrong.”

  And I will.

  It’s a promise that I plan to keep.

  “You have things to work out still, and I’ll give you space to do that. But we both know that Jake isn’t the guy you want to be with. So when I’m done with tour, and done working on our album, expect me. Because you are worth it. You’re worth the risk. You’re worth the chance. You’re worthy of so much, Kasey. Happiness. Forgiveness. The world.”

  She lets out a shaky breath. “I don’t know how you can forgive so easily, Wells.”

  “Everybody is worthy of forgiveness if you believe in them, because forgiveness doesn’t determine the past, but it decides the future. I refuse to be stuck in some time warp of what-ifs and missed opportunities. That isn’t me. That isn’t us. Maybe you’ll find that out, too, and start seeing who is worthy of that in your own life. You might be surprised. Just tell me when, Kay. Tell me when you’re ready.”

  I end the call when she doesn’t reply.

  KASEY

  By noon, my mind is wrapped around the idea of seeing my father for the first time in years. Everybody told me I didn’t have to, but I knew it was time.

  Figure out who is worthy of your forgiveness.

  Even though Jake keeps telling me that I don’t have to do it, I know he’s hoping I will. He’s been coming over every night and playing with Taylor, and never complains when she makes him play dolls or tea party. He’s always a trooper, even when she put nail polish on him … or tried to. She got more on herself than him. And when she goes to bed he gives me the usual speech about how I won’t be happy if I don’t forgive, and I believe him. I know that I have to at least try. I just can’t decide which is worse: being abandoned by Dad, or having Mom act like she doesn’t care at all anymore.

  Either way, they both turned out to be disappointments.

  Rosie walks over and rubs my back. “Big day today, huh?”

  “Jake is picking me up at four.”

  She smiles. “I’m glad he’s there for you with this. Somebody should be.”

  I give her a small smile as I clear the dishes from the counter.

  Leaning her hip against the counter, she studies me. I try to avoid the look that’s being burned into the side of my face, knowing she’s trying to see what I won’t let her know.

  She always figures it out eventually.

  “What are you going to say to him?”

  I clear my throat. “Dad?” I shrug. “Don’t know. My goal is just not to hit him or start screaming. Something tells me that it won’t go over well in the station.”

  She chuckles. “I think you might be right.”

  I nod, taking the dishes to the back.

  “Is there something you want to talk about?” she finally asks me, following me around as I put the tips in the jar.

  “Not really.”

  “Kasey Marie Miller,” she chides. “Don’t think I don’t know when there’s something bothering you.”

  I flush at the full name.

  “Ever since Ian left, you’ve been depressed. You put a smile on your face for Taylor, but not for anybody else. And even that smile seems empty. Mrs. Withers asked about you yesterday, you know.”

  I roll my eyes. Mrs. Withers is the town gossiper. It shouldn’t surprise Rosie that she asked about me, because she wanted the next scoop.

  Apparently, she nearly had a heart attack when the rumors of Ian and I hit the newsstand. She came in for a week straight prying for information, even after Ian made a statement that the rumors weren’t true. I saw the disappointment in her eyes, I swear.

  “Mrs. Withers is a nosy broad,” I inform her matter-of-factly. “And she’ll do anything to hear about my life. But maybe I don’t want her to know. Or anybody for that matter.”

  She puts her hands on her hips, a sure sign that I’m about to get lectured.

  “What about Jake?”

  I groan. “What about him, Rosie?”

  “He’s been spending a lot more time with you and Taylor. Don’t think I haven’t noticed. So clearly he should know your business.”

  I press my lips together, debating on telling her what I really think about Jake and me.

  That we’re not right for each other.

  That we’re better off as friends.

  That I really want Ian.

  But if I say any of that out loud, the admission becomes cemented, and I don’t know if I really want it to be true. I made myself believe that Jake is what I need, and he is. For so many things.

  Just not my happiness.

  Loving him would be easier, but my heart would never forgive me if I settled.

  “We’ve been hanging out more,” I admit uncomfortably, walking past her to the register. I start doing the afternoon count of the draw, writing down how much is inside.

  “You’re being too vague for a nosy woman like me,” she complains. “I know what my son does is none of my business, but I feel so invested in this. When I met his father, I was over the moon. Always smiling, always thinking about him. But you … you don’t look like that. Even with everything else going on, you should find a reason to smile. So tell me, Kasey. What stops you from doing it?”

  When I don’t stop what I’m doing, Rosie grabs my hands and moves them away from the money. I meet her eyes, mine hollow compared to the worry in hers, and blink back sudden tears.

  “Oh, sweetheart,” she breathes, pulling me into her.

  “I just want to be happy, Rose,” I rasp.

  She combs her fingers though my hair. “I know, baby girl, I know. I’m guessing that you’re not with Jake.”

  I sniff back tears, pulling away. “You have no idea how hard I’m trying to. He makes me happy. He makes me laugh. He makes me glad that he’s in my life … in Taylor’s life. But it’s not enough.” I wipe away tears with my wrist.

  She brushes away stray tears with the pads of her thumbs, then moves her hands to gently grip my upper arms. “As much as I want you and my son to be together, you can’t force yourself to feel something that isn’t there. It will only drive you two apart. And if you love having him in your life, it’s better as a friend than as nothing at all.”

  I swipe my hand down my damp face. “Why c
an’t I just see how great he is? It shouldn’t be this hard, Rose.”

  “You can’t help who you love,” she says softly, giving me a warm smile. “And you can’t help who you don’t. If it were up to us, it wouldn’t be part of life’s struggle.”

  “What’s so great about the struggle?”

  “I’ve come to learn that we appreciate things more when we have to work for them. It isn’t always easy, but it’s always worth it in the end.”

  She hugs me once more, giving me a comforting squeeze.

  “The real question is, who does make you happy?”

  I stare at the ground.

  She tilts my chin up. “We both know the answer to that question. And if it’s meant to be, it’ll happen.” She rubs my arm. “Why don’t you take a break? I think Jake mentioned he was coming in for lunch today. You should sit down and talk to him.”

  My eyes widen, still blurry from the leftover tears. “You want me to break up with your son in a diner?”

  “You’re not really together,” she points out. “And plus, the longer you let this go on, the more it’ll hurt. Not just him, but you. I know you don’t want that.”

  I nod my head in agreement. Hurting Jake isn’t an option.

  I let out a breath. “This day has been just wonderful, huh?”

  She laughs. “It’s never a dull day in West Haven. You of all people should know that.”

  She pats my back and sends me into the kitchen.

  The rest of the afternoon goes by uneventfully, unless you consider me telling Jake the truth about how I feel. Besides the expected awkwardness of the moment, I’m lucky he understood.

  Maybe a little too well, even.

  It really wasn’t until now that I saw what I didn’t before. We were both settling for something practical—him making a bigger sacrifice than me. We were both choosing to be together for the sake of Taylor, because we knew he was the best option for her. But we weren’t the best option for each other, and coming to terms with that eased the pressure inside of me.

  Thinking we could make it work because we liked each other wasn’t enough, and it made us fools. Because it doesn’t matter if we can tolerate one another, if we’d end up resenting each other in the long run.

  He pulls up to the police station.

  “Thanks again for everything,” I express, my hand on the door handle.

  “You don’t have to thank me, Kasey. You know I’ve got your back no matter what.”

  His smile is genuine, and I know that he means it.

  Part of my fear of admitting the truth is that he would want to walk away from us, but it was stupid for me to believe that. We’re friends, and nothing will change that.

  “I know that,” I admit. “But I’ve been dragging you along this whole time, making you experience the train wreck that is my life. That wasn’t fair.”

  He entwines our fingers together, squeezing them. “You needed somebody, Kasey. I had no problem being that person. So what if we went on a few dates? Not every relationship works out.”

  “But there’s no real reason why it shouldn’t have,” I reply, my lips threatening to turn into a frown.

  “Sure there is. We’re not right for each other in that way. We tried, and it didn’t work. We need to find people who challenge us. My mom always told me that.”

  I smile. “She used to tell me the same thing.”

  “I think she’s more upset about this than either of us are.”

  I laugh. “She’s rooted for us from the very beginning.”

  He nods. “She wants you to be happy though. It’s not just me she cares about.”

  “I know. Rosie will always be an important part of my life. You both will. No matter what happens today.”

  He gestures toward the station. “Are you sure you’re ready to see him?”

  I open my mouth to reply, but close it before I let the words slip.

  I’m not ready to see the man who left me behind. Who made me realize that love might never be out there. But I know pushing past that will only help me get over the hurt.

  Forgive.

  I let go of his hand. “I’m as ready as I can be. Are you coming in?”

  He shakes his head, something in his eyes dulling. “There’s a call I have to go to. They need backup. I wish I could be there for you.”

  “Oh. Well don’t sweat it. I should probably do this alone anyway.”

  He gives me one last smile and then drives away.

  As much as I want him to be here, I need to do this on my own. Prove to myself that I can handle it.

  I turn to face the station, knowing who’s in there—knowing that I have to face something I’ve been trying my best to avoid this whole time.

  It’s now or never.

  My phone buzzes in my pocket as I walk into the building. Part of me expects it to be from Jake, wishing me good luck. But since he’s off doing who knows what, I know it can’t be.

  Instead, I see Ian’s name.

  It’ll work out, Kay. I took a page out of your book and read ahead ;)

  I smile to myself at the sentiment, stuffing my phone back in my pocket as I go toward Chief Daniell’s office.

  I see Amy sitting outside the door, talking to a tall man whose back is toward me.

  I hold my breath and stop walking, because I know who it is without seeing his face. It’s a feeling in the pit of my stomach. The basic jeans and worn army-style jacket is exactly what he always used to wear.

  Amy sees me and waves, causing the man to turn around.

  He hasn’t changed one bit.

  “Wow. Kay? Is that you.”

  My fists clench tightly around the strap of my cross-body bag.

  I try my best at keeping my tone calm. “Please don’t call me that. It’s not my name.”

  He looks like he wants to argue, but he doesn’t.

  “You grew up, kid,” he says next, walking toward me. I’m surprised when he wraps his arms around me.

  My hands are trapped between us, and my body stiffens in discomfort.

  I tell my body to hug him back. To at least pretend that I’m happy to see him. But I’ve done too much pretending, and my body is drained from all the fakeness.

  He finally pulls away, smiling down at me.

  Does he not see the expression on my face? The way my body reacts to him? I can tell that Amy does, because she’s practically wincing at the awkwardness radiating in the room.

  “Growing up tends to happen over the years,” I muffle out, stepping back.

  His lips twitch. “You’re right, it does.”

  I look at Amy. “So is the meeting happening soon?”

  The clock says it’s almost four, so we’re early.

  “Actually,” Dad answers, “I was hoping you and I could talk before we see Jeff.”

  Jeff? He’s on a first name basis with the chief?

  I stare at him. “Why?”

  “I think there’s a lot to discuss, don’t you? This whole situation is heavy stuff, and you’ve been dealing with it like a trooper on your own. But there are things you don’t know, and I’d like to explain them to you.”

  I look at Amy, as if she’ll give me the go-ahead as to what to do. But it’s up to me, and I know that. Still, the tip of her head only pushes me toward agreeing.

  “I guess it wouldn’t be a bad idea.” My voice isn’t particularly thrilled, but I know talking with him isn’t a bad idea.

  His smile returns. “I was told we could use the conference room.”

  He gestures toward the offset room to the right of us. The door is open, and the room is cleared out.

  I walk in first, taking a seat at the end of the table. He closes the door behind him, sitting down only a few seats away from me.

  We stare at each other for a while, like there aren’t any words to be said. Really, there’s just too much left unspoken from years of packed baggage. Neither of us seems to know where to begin.

  The clock on the wall ticks.
I shift in my seat, arms crossed over my chest. He fidgets with the watch on his wrist, clearing his throat.

  Finally, I can’t take the silence anymore.

  “You wanted to talk,” I remind him. “You might want to start before we both die in here.”

  His dark brows go up in surprise by my hastiness, and it makes me want to roll my eyes. What does he really expect from me? To be happy he’s here? To welcome him with open arms?

  “I’m sorry to hear about your mother, Kasey. I knew she was on a rough path, but I truly thought she would get better with time.”

  Now I really do roll my eyes. “She’s a human being, Dad. Not wine.”

  Amusement flickers in his eyes. “I’d like to think that you get your sarcasm from me.”

  I narrow my eyes. “Oh, sure. Like how funny it was for you to walk out on your family. That makes me laugh every time.”

  He rakes a hand down his face. “I deserve that.”

  I don’t reply.

  He sighs. “I’m sorry for leaving you behind with her. I’m sorry for not being the father that you, or Taylor, deserved. I’m not going to make up any excuses, kid. I’ve done that long enough.”

  “So what is this about?” I question.

  “I’ve watched you grow up.”

  I gape at him. Not the words I was expecting.

  “I had no intention of going back to your mother, but that didn’t mean I didn’t want you in my life. That was her choice, and at the time she made a valid argument. I had adultery against me, and a small town like this, with a judge like the one we have, tends to always favor the mother’s side. Regardless of your mother’s depression, it wouldn’t have been good for me. So I agreed to let her handle you two. I thought she could.”

  I look away. “Well, guess you were wrong.”

  “I’ve been wrong about a lot of things. I’m admitting it, but I can see that isn’t good enough. I didn’t expect to walk in here and get you to forgive me, but I do expect to walk out of here hoping that you understand.”

  “Understand what?” I snap at him. “I get it, Dad. You didn’t bother trying to fight for us. Wonderful for you. Truly.”

  “That isn’t what I want you to understand,” he replies firmly. “I may not have a lot of authority in your life, but I am still your father. That should count for something.”