The Fiche Room

by Suzie Carr

  “What are you talking about?” he asked.

  “Emma told me about your trip to Denver this weekend,” then she turned to me, “I’m sorry, honey, was I not supposed to know about it? Is it a secret trip?” She cackled and held her one finger up to her lips.

  Colin hated to look stupid and right then, I could tell from the redness rising on his cheeks, that he was not happy.

  “I was just about to tell you about the trip, Colin.”

  “What trip?” he asked.

  I held the door for him and ushered him out before Sharon could say another word. “Let’s go.”

  As the door slammed, his eyes bore down on me. “We’re going to Denver?”

  “Actually, I’m going—alone.”

  “You’re going to Denver alone?”

  I took a deep breath. “Yes, I am.”

  “And you told that loud-mouthed woman before me?”

  “I happen to like that ‘loud-mouthed woman’.”

  “She’s obnoxious, Emma.”

  He had a point. But, I liked her now, even if she did come across as abhorrent at times. “She’s grown on me.”

  He rolled his eyes back. “What’s in Denver?”

  “I’m going to Denver this weekend because I’m attending The Ken Chartier seminar. I won a free ticket on the radio. All expenses paid.”

  I hated to lie. But what choice did I have?

  “How did you win?”

  “I called in an answer to a question.” I spoke slowly as I conjured up a question they would have asked me.

  “What was the question?”

  My mind whirled. I couldn’t think up a question.

  Shit. Shit. Shit.

  Then, I came up with, “They asked who sang a certain song.” Then, my mind drew a blank as to what song.

  “Which song?”

  “Unchained Melody,” I barked out.

  “They asked you who sang one of the most popular songs of all-time? Doesn’t sound like the type of question that would warrant winning a trip.”

  He could see right through me. I panicked. I didn’t say anything. Colin continued with his barrage of questions.

  “What station were you listening to?”

  I sunk deeper into the lie. “An oldies station. I don’t know the name.”

  “Which hotel are they putting you up in?”

  “I don’t know the name of that either.”

  “Which airline are you flying?”

  He didn’t believe me. He could see right through my lies. “Colin, I don’t know anything other than I am going to the seminar. They’ll give me all the details and when they do, I’ll give them to you. Okay?”

  “Why are getting so defensive with me? I have a right to ask these questions, don’t you think?”

  “You’re just making me feel like you don’t trust me.”

  He backed down. “It’s just weird that you wouldn’t have told me right away. Seems like kind of a big deal, Em.”

  We walked towards the cafeteria in silence. I needed to make my story more believable. Hopping on a plane by myself to Denver was completely unlike me. How could I expect him to believe such a ludicrous lie? “I just need you to be understanding about this. I’ve been so stressed with the wedding planning that I kind of need this break.”

  “I know you do, sweetheart.” He rubbed my shoulder as we walked to the gourmet coffee station. “It’s been stressful lately for me too.” He poured coffee into a mug. Without even glancing up, he said, in a low voice, “Maybe this trip is what we both need right now. I’ll join you.”

  “Join me?” I panicked. “But, I don’t think that’s possible. The show is sold-out.”

  He fixed his eyes on me, as though reading my mind. “It’s not the show I’d go for.”

  I would not let him destroy my weekend. “What would you be going for? You’re going to fly 1700 miles to have dinner with me?”

  “I don’t like the idea of you flying out to a strange place by yourself. I’d like to go with you for safety’s sake.”

  He would never relent now that safety was a factor. “I just don’t see the point. I’m going to be gone ninety-five percent of the time. I’ll be secure in a convention hall.”

  “You really want to go and sit in that conference hall listening to some guy drone on about the big secrets in life that somehow slipped by the rest of the population but miraculously were planted in his mind to share? You find that motivating?”

  “See, this little mocking attitude is exactly why I don’t want you to go. I’ll get back from an uplifting day and you’ll squash all the progress I made with a comment or a snare, or something else pretentious.”

  He looked away and focused on the cleaning lady, wiping a puddle of spilled milk from a table next to where we stood. Then he turned back to me, “Do I do that to you?”

  “Sometimes, yes.”

  “Really?”

  “Yes, Colin, you do. You make me feel like the things that are important to me are frivolous.”

  He motioned to the now clean table. “Can we sit?”

  I sat across from him.

  “What makes you think I believe that your interests are frivolous?”

  “You never act interested in my ideas. You’ve never asked to see one sketch I’ve drawn since we’ve been together. Not once. Do you even know what I draw? Do you even care why I draw?”

  “You don’t talk about drawing to me. How am I supposed to know you have all this pent-up passion for it?”

  I wanted to lash back at him. Tell him he was wrong for not noticing this passion. But, he was right. I never talked to him about it because I assumed he would just knock it down like he did so many other interests of mine.

  I shrugged my shoulders in defeat.

  “No wonder you want to go on this trip alone.” He took my hand in his. “We need to change whatever’s going on here. I don’t want you thinking that I’m out to get you, attacking your ideas. In all fairness, you have to let me in on them. But I know I need to work on this for you to get to that comfort level. I don’t want you to jump at the chance to get away from me for a weekend. I want to spend the rest of my life with you, not chasing you.”

  Why couldn’t he just be a jerk so I could walk away from him guilt-free? “Colin,” I said, searching for the right words to match his, “Thank you for saying that.”

  His face softened. “Listen, if you still don’t want me to go, I’ll understand. But, we need to work this out. You need to help me work this out.” He squeezed my hand, “I just want us to be happy. I want what’s best for you. And if going away without me to Denver will make you happy, then maybe you should. I just don’t want you to ever get used to doing things like this alone, without me. I want to share my experiences with you and I want you to want the same.”

  Part of me wanted to reach out and kiss him, to reassure him that I was committed to making this work, but the other part of me still remained glued to wanting my weekend alone with Haley. “That is the most sincere thing I have ever heard you say to me.”

  “Think about it, and let me know what you decide.” He brought my hand to his mouth and kissed the back of it. “I love you, you know?”

  “I know.”

  I could learn to love this Colin. Couldn’t I?

  Chapter 11

  The first time I lied to Colin was spring break of my senior year in college. I had gone on a cruise to St. Thomas, St. Maarten, and San Juan, Puerto Rico. I told him I was going with two high school friends—girls he had never met—Kate and Abby. I had really gone with Thomas and Matthew, a gay couple I had met in my ceramics class the semester before, a couple whom he despised my hanging out with because he, although he wouldn’t admit it, was homophobic. Thomas and Matthew had invited me to join them and I desperately wanted to go. Something about their relationship excited me. So, I told Colin a harmless white lie about who I was going with and had the time of my life.

  I prayed this second lie would turn out just
as successful.

  Haley wasn’t exactly thrilled he was coming. “Aren’t you the least bit disappointed he’s coming?”

  “Of course I am. You’ve turned my world upside down. The second I read an email from you or hear your voice on the other end of the phone, I feel completely on top of the world with bliss.”

  “You do?”

  “No one has made me feel like this before,” I said.

  “Then why are we not exploring this? Can you even imagine how incredible this weekend could turn out if we were alone and free with each other?”

  Colin could offer things that she never could. “I’m not free though.”

  “Yet, curiously, if Colin hadn’t asked to join you, you planned to come out alone?”

  “I do love Colin. Maybe not in the exploding, blissful way I should, but I do. And now, he asked to come with me and how can I say no?”

  “I see.”

  “What I’m doing with you isn’t fair to him or to you. I’ll understand if you don’t want me to come this weekend.”

  “I want you to still come.”

  “Even with Colin?”

  “Even with Colin,” she said.

  “You want me to come even if that means I’m telling you that nothing can happen with you and me?”

  “A friendship can, can’t it?” she asked.

  “Of course.”

  “We’ll make the best of it. I’ll leave your ticket to the seminar in the lobby and meet you there. I’ll do whatever I can to help. We can book you a room at the Radisson, the same hotel where the seminar is being held. The show is sold-out you know.”

  “Colin can’t stand self-help motivators. He’s going to bring some work to do while I’m at the seminar.”

  “Colin still doesn’t know I exist, right?”

  “Right.”

  “Maybe at some point you might want to introduce me as the new friend you met at the seminar?”

  If she agreed to be my friend, then Colin should meet her. This arrangement could most definitely work. “You’re the greatest.”

  “We’ll make the best out of this situation.”

  And so the plan was set into play. Colin and I sipped our Starbucks coffee as we embarked on a much needed reprieve from our routine in Maryland. And when we landed and checked into our hotel, the calm reassurance that I’d made the right decision bringing him and forgoing my original plan to be with Haley had remained. This trip was just what I needed to clear my mind of doubt.

  Later that evening while he rested peacefully in bed, I glanced out the wall-length window onto the city of Denver and wondered where, among all those dazzling lights, Haley lived.

  The next morning as he laid in bed finishing the pancakes delivered by room service, I kissed him goodbye for the day and bounded toward the front desk to get my ticket to the conference. My heart pounded at the thought of seeing Haley.

  I spotted Haley standing by the concierge desk. Our eyes met and a tidal wave of euphoria swept over me.

  Flutters twirled in my stomach.

  I walked towards her in slow motion. I could do this. We could be friends. Why not? Nothing had happened between the two of us other than harmless flirting.

  “Welcome to Denver,” she said with a big sunny smile. She jumped right into that perky personality that I first admired.

  “Thank you.” I hid the giddy rush.

  She opened her arms and welcomed me into them. The embrace sent shockwaves right up my spine. My heart raced. She smelled like earth, sweet and spring like. I let go, and she continued to hold me at arm’s length. Her plum shade of lipstick brought out the gold speckles in her eyes. Her hair was swept up in a claw barrette, exposing her elegant profile.

  “Well, baby,” she said, her voice sultry and teasing, “Shall we?” She offered her arm.

  Chills ran wild.

  Thank God I brought Colin because otherwise I’d be in serious trouble. He would unknowingly be buffering me from her magnetic hold.

  ****

  We sat in the last row of seats behind a group of middle-aged women. Their laughter echoed through the room. One lady talked about her dog, Elmo, raiding her garbage can that morning and leaving a trail of soggy napkins, paper plates, and coffee grinds behind. Another lady chimed in about how her cat clawed at her new potted plant and spilled the dirt all over her new taupe carpet.

  Haley broke our silence first. “How’s everything?”

  How was I? I was a wreck, that’s how. Everything I had planned, my new love for Colin, my peaceful mind, my new married life ahead, even my plans for a dynamic friendship with her, was not as certain as it had been only a few minutes ago. Looking into those lush forest-green eyes, everything had gone from settled to debatable once again. “Do you honestly want to know?”

  “Give it to me straight up.”

  I watched her eyes travel to my lips and back to meet my gaze again. “Nerve-wracking.”

  “I think so too,” she said.

  “I feel like we’re two strangers stuck behind a group of the most annoying people in this whole room,” I whispered.

  “I know. What’s up with Elmo?”

  I laughed. I loved her silly side.

  We glued in on the women as they talked about how their annoying co-worker Zoe always talked through her nasal cavity. They mimicked her and began laughing out of control again. We looked at each other and burst out into our own laughing tirade.

  “Would our situation pass the popcorn test?” I asked.

  “The popcorn test?”

  “Picture yourself sitting in a movie theater in the perfect spot, and the person next to you is chomping away on his popcorn. If the only empty seats are in the first few rows, would you get up and move to the horrible seats, or stay and deal with the unnerving munching, regardless of how annoying it became?”

  She sat back in her seat, giving the question some thought.

  “I’m a ‘deal with the hand I’ve been dealt’ kind of girl. Why should I have to move and sit in the front row and get a neck ache? I have as much right to be in the perfect seats as the popcorn chomper does. So, I’d face the problem. I’d ask the person if he could kindly keep it down.”

  “What if he didn’t?”

  “Then, I’d do the only other logical thing and buy myself a bag. With each of his chomps, I’d throw a handful of popcorn at the back of his head. He’d get the point after a while.”

  “You would not do that!”

  She scrunched her petite nose. “Of course I would.”

  The spotlight shone on the blue curtain on the stage, and the overhead lights dimmed. A dramatic drum beat replaced the Baroque classical music that filtered through the speakers, hushing the chatter of the room.

  I whispered, “You didn’t play fair. You’re not supposed to make up answers.”

  She whispered back, bathing me in her warm breath. “To me, it seemed like both options were ‘failing’: to move to the front and lose your perfect seat is running from your problems. To stay and sit next to the chomper is resigning to an unpleasant situation. Neither of those was good enough for me. I want a perfect seat and peace and quiet—especially if I just paid ten dollars for a ticket!”

  We both giggled.

  “You have to create your own solutions to get what you want. That’s how every major deal is settled upon in negotiation.”

  “Is that what you were hoping for when you asked me to come here?”

  She tossed me a look with a white-flag finality to it, before turning her eyes to the stage.

  The show began. Ken Chartier, geared up with a hands-free, wireless microphone, warmed up to the crowd with witty, insightful remarks. Each head that I looked at faced forward, fixated on the man who would repair their broken dreams, mend their promises to themselves, offer new hope to finding their purpose. Each person had a story to tell. The man to my right, mid-thirties, long side-burns, stylish clothes, was probably a consultant of some sort sent here by his boss to refine his
presentation skills. The blonde woman, wearing what appeared to be a Talbots dress, sat upright with perfect posture, laughing on cue to Ken’s deliberate speech. I pictured her as a manager in search of finding peace in her chaotic, unfulfilling role of leading a bunch of egotistical men and women up the ranks of corporate America. Most everyone in the room was there seeking answers to life’s toughest question, now what?

  Everyone, I guessed, had the same question I had in mind. What the hell were we going to do with our lives? And I knew I wasn’t going to find my answer in this stuffy conference hall. I needed to talk with Haley so I could sort out my feelings and finally put them to rest.

  “Haley,” I whispered.

  She raised her head and looked straight at me, breaking away from Ken’s psycho-babble. “What is it, baby?”

  “Thanks for inviting me.”

  “Are you having a good time?”

  I nodded.

  “That’s not too convincing.”

  “I am, really,” I said with a lame smile and turned my attention back to the stage, but could feel her eyes still on me.

  She rested her hand on my wrist, stopping my heart mid beat. “Can I be honest?”

  I cocked my head to the side.

  “I just want it to be lunch so we can finally talk.”

  “Me too,” I said, twirling my hair around my finger. “I want to talk with you so badly.”

  “What are we doing in here, then?”

  “Do you want to get out of here?”

  She gave an eloquent shrug. “We have the perfect seats. We can sneak right out this back door.”

  “But, what about the tickets? I mean isn’t that failing the popcorn test?”

  She shot me a playful look. “Baby, this is the part where we throw the popcorn.”

  And with that, we rose and tip-toed out of the room, releasing ourselves from the heavy psychology neither one of us wanted to absorb. We shot straight into freedom for the day.

  We escaped through the hotel’s side entrance like two kids bunking first period of the school day.

  Traveling in her sports coupe, trading Ken’s analytical words for the resonating vibes of The Doors’, “Break on Through,” we loudly proclaimed each word with no inhibitions. We raced along the out-stretched roads of Denver, passing the Coors brewing plant as she followed the route into the Rockies. In the sky above, like colorful raindrops from a sun shower, dozens of parasailors were drifting along the wind currents of the Colorado Rocky Mountain skies.