The Fiche Room

by Suzie Carr

  “I never looked at it that way.” By getting on that plane in Denver, I had made the choice to remain with him, not her. Now, she gave me the room I needed to soar with him. And if I was to soar with him, I certainly needed room.

  “Surely with time, your feelings for her will subside and your feelings for Colin will grow stronger. Trust me. In time, you’ll look back on this and feel okay about it.”

  “I hope so, Goldie.”

  I didn’t want to look back to see Haley. I wanted to look ahead and still see her sprinkling her charm into my life. But I also wanted to preserve the good life I could have with Colin at the same time.

  I wanted both.

  Chapter 14

  The night before my bridal shower, I sat next to Colin on his couch watching a rerun of Friends; the one where Rachel and Monica wrestled on the floor so that Monica could place eye drops in Rachel’s eye. Normally this hot scene would send me reeling, but that night, the only rise was a panic attack. I struggled to hold back the tears as I sat next to the man I was about to marry, the man who had no idea of the internal anguish I suffered. With Haley void from my life, the future seemed unimaginable, unbearable; it left me aching like a death occurred. By choosing Colin, I may have had my last taste of euphoric passion—ever.

  I loved knowing her intimately. I loved seeing that special smile that only came out for me when we stared into the depths of each other’s eyes. I loved that little sparkle that came out when we flirted.

  I loved that playful girl. I craved to know more of that side of her. I loved the energy between us. We entered a plane of dimension where we vibrated at a different level than the rest of the world for those tender moments we let our hands and lips touch.

  This clinching of our spirits shined brighter than anything I’d ever experienced. Not even an orgasm could produce that same feeling. It was different. It was surreal. It literally took my breath away and made me feel I was anything but solid matter. If I could dedicate myself wholly to her, I had no doubt the intimacy would blossom into the most amazing coupling of love ever experienced. She and I together would be incredible. We’d soar and be free.

  Life was so short. Why did it have to be so complicated? Why couldn’t I enjoy Haley and be a good wife at the same time? I was sure Colin’s ego would get plenty of massaging from other women, namely Meredith. I saw firsthand the way he glowed in her presence. He wouldn’t lack for attention. Neither of us would. We could each have our perfectly presented lives as a couple and yet be satisfied, in ways we couldn’t please each other, by others.

  Haley breathed life into me with her witty tales and sometimes warped interpretations on society and value systems. I missed her.

  I had failed myself and now failed both her and Colin. Poor Colin. He was completely innocent to my selfish indulgences. What would he think if he knew only a couple weeks prior my lips were locked onto Haley’s?

  I looked at his lips and wondered, had he kissed Meredith? Was this normal; two people, supposedly in love enough to get married and vow to stay faithful for the rest of their lives, and one, maybe both, searching outside this sacred territory for pleasure? I had anticipated that one day I might be the victim. But I never imagined I’d be the perpetrator. I acted like the rest of the smutty society who ignored morality. I could fool others, but I couldn’t fool myself.

  Maybe I should just be honest with Colin and try to redeem any trace of innocence left in my veins. How could I walk down the aisle with such a heavy lie hanging over my veil like a cloud of dust, choking me, filling me with impurity? Every time I looked into his sculpted eyes, remorse stifled my breath.

  If I could just spill my load of lies to him right there and then, maybe we could go forward together stronger and more determined to work as a team to build the most amazing marriage ever possible. Didn’t I owe him this part of my soul?

  Digging deep for the bravery, I swallowed hard.

  “Colin,” my voice echoed with the remnants of his name bouncing around in my head, out of control.

  He turned his body towards me, but kept his eyes glued to the screen. I tapped his leg. Then, he turned to look at me. “Your eyes are all watery,” he said.

  This was my chance to let it out, to come clean, to be redeemed. I could just blurt it out, I kissed a woman. Four words. They sat right there on my tongue ready to be propelled forward into the air. Those four spoken words could be my ticket to salvaging my guilty spirit.

  But instead I asked, “Are you excited about marrying me?” Mentally, I kicked myself for bailing.

  “Aren’t you?” His forehead wrinkled as he raised his eyebrows.

  Right now was my chance to tell him everything I was feeling. “Of course,” I said, nodding. “I’m just a little nervous. Aren’t you?”

  “I’m marrying one of the last sweet women around. The only thing that makes me nervous is that I might somehow screw that up.”

  At that moment, I’d be willing to give up chocolate for the rest of my life if he confessed to an even greater sin than I committed. He could let me off the hook easily by admitting that he slept with Meredith. I could walk away and be free without having to explain my decision to my dad because he would back me up on that. I could live the rest of my life guilt-free, knowing I at least gave it a chance, that he screwed it up for us, not me.

  “How could you screw it up?” I asked.

  “Not love you as much as you deserve to be loved. I’m always fearful that I’m not giving you all that you need. I want to make sure that I never lose sight of your happiness.”

  His response was not at all what I expected to hear. “I think that’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.”

  He stared into my eyes. “I mean it with all my heart.”

  Why didn’t this romantic gesture send my heart spinning and leaping? His words didn’t fill my head with bliss. I stared into his eyes searching for a connection. But none existed.

  I smiled at him, unable to match his heartfelt expression.

  I could never be honest with him about this. He committed himself to me. I made him happy somehow. That would make most women feel great. Not me. But then again, I wasn’t like most women.

  ****

  “She still hasn’t called me back, Goldie.” I slipped into my new white knit dress. “I’ve left her a message every night since getting back from Denver. I understand her reservations, but now I think she’s just being plain rude.”

  “You’re dressing for your bridal shower. I hardly think worrying about her is appropriate at this point.”

  I brushed my cheeks with bronzer, then powdered my nose and temples with it. “I’ve actually turned angry with her now.”

  She refastened a loose hairpin from my twist. “Maybe that was her plan all along.”

  “To piss me off?”

  “I like the girl. I think she’s showing a lot of class ignoring your calls.”

  I snapped around on my heel to face her. “Just whose side are you on?”

  “Think about it. She’s doing you and Colin justice. She’s forcing you to appreciate him, to put all of your attention into him.”

  I slipped into my satin, white sandals. “Ridiculous isn’t it? How I’m obsessing over her?”

  “If you say so.”

  “I do.” I stepped in front of my full length mirror to steal one last glance at myself. “Let’s go. I have a bridal shower to attend.”

  In the time it took for us to get to the Classic Restaurant from my apartment, I convinced myself that I would enjoy my day as the bride-to-be. But, as I entered the restaurant’s foyer and heard the talkative group of women hush their voices in preparation for my arrival into the room, I turned to Goldie in a state of panic. “I don’t want to go in there.”

  She grabbed onto my arm and pinched it, keeping a plastic smile on her face. “Of course you do.”

  “I really don’t. I don’t know any of these people. They’re friends of Colin or my dad. Not mine. They don�
�t want to be here anymore than I do.”

  “Well, I worked hard at planning this shindig so you better do your best acting.”

  “Everything’s one big act, isn’t it?”

  “You’ll break a leg in there or I’m going to break it for you afterwards.”

  I laughed out loud at the threat. “What with that karate you took twenty years ago?”

  “I can still kick your ass if I wanted to.”

  “I doubt that.” I held her arm as we entered the room of cheering women, applauding me for becoming Mrs. Colin Briggs; my big accomplishment in life.

  I spent the day smiling, unwrapping gifts, and making small talk with a bunch of strangers. I was never more grateful to have Goldie by my side. And by my side she remained all day, right up to the point the last of the new acquaintances left and Colin came to help bring our gifts home.

  He walked straight towards me. I was knee deep in kitchenware, towels, and linens. When he got to me, he didn’t welcome me in his arms, he didn’t give me a kiss, he didn’t acknowledge Goldie. Instead he asked me matter-of-factly, “Did you forget something at my apartment last night?”

  I searched my memory and drew a blank. “What did I forget?”

  He reached into his pants pocket and in his hand rested my silver and blue Motorola cell phone. He cradled it in my hand. “You really need to change that annoying song it plays when it rings. At two o’clock in the morning, the last thing I wanted to hear was Beethoven.”

  My heart leapt. Had she called me?

  He turned and walked away towards the men’s bathroom.

  “Your white dress has more color than you right now. What’s wrong?” Goldie asked.

  “I think Haley called me last night and my cell was at Colin’s.”

  I checked my call history. The last missed call listed was Goldie the day before. A lump formed in my throat. I checked my incoming call log and sure enough there was Haley’s number. “He picked up the call. He talked to her, Goldie.”

  “Stop being so damned paranoid. How do you say that so confidently?”

  I scrolled through the call’s history log. “They talked for ten seconds.”

  I turned and saw that Colin had come out of the bathroom and was now walking out of the room with a stack of glassware boxes. “What do you think they said to each other?”

  “How the hell do I know? Do I look psychic or something?”

  I dropped my shoulders. “You pick the worst times to make jokes.”

  “Knowing Haley, she most likely heard him answer and said I’m sorry I have the wrong number. Ten seconds Emma.”

  “But wrong numbers don’t typically have a name associated with them on caller ID.”

  “You have her named in your phone book?”

  I nodded.

  “Check your outgoing calls.”

  The blood drained from my head in one fast motion, leaving me dizzy. “This is horrible. He knows something’s going on, Goldie.”

  “Give me your phone.” She tore it out of my clenched hands. She scanned the call history, and then looked up at me. “I don’t want you to panic.”

  I grabbed the phone back from her and looked at the screen. “He called her back! Goldie, they talked for three minutes, twenty-two seconds.”

  “Wow, Emma,” my dad yelled out, “look at all these gifts.”

  I forced a smile on my face and looked back at Goldie desperate for her guidance.

  “There must be over a hundred gifts here.” He leaned over a pile of crystal, securing his hands behind his back.

  “You have some generous friends,” I said giving him a hug.

  “This will get you guys off to a good start. I remember when your mother and I sat down for our first dinner in our new place; we had to use our fingers to eat because we realized that we didn’t have any silverware.”

  “I think we have plenty of that. Mrs. Bonnifer gave us enough sets to hold a thirty person dinner.”

  My dad flinched and grabbed his chest.

  “Dad?”

  “It’s nothing. I get this little twinge once in a while. I think I’m just worried about my little girl being all grown up,” he smiled weakly and then grimaced and squeezed his fingertips on his left hand together.

  “More pain, dad?”

  “It’s nothing, I think—” he dropped to his knees wincing in pain, grabbing his chest.

  “I’ll call an ambulance.” Goldie grabbed my cell.

  My dad hugged his knees to his chest, curled in a fetal position on the wooden floor.

  “Colin,” I screamed out as loud as possible. “Colin!”

  Colin ran through the door and towards us. “What happened?”

  “I think he’s having a heart-attack.”

  “I’m calling for an ambulance,” Goldie said.

  I looked to Colin for guidance. He got down on his knees and watched my dad writhe in pain. We were helpless.

  “Daddy, hang on. They’re coming.” I dropped my head close to my dad’s, hugging him. “I love you so much, Daddy.”

  “We need to do something,” I yelled to Colin who knelt blank-faced beside us.

  “The ambulance is on the way.” Goldie joined us on the floor.

  My dad moaned.

  “Colin, we have to do something,” I repeated.

  “Panicking isn’t going to help.” He laid his hand on my shoulder.

  I looked up at him through my teary eyes, “My dad’s in pain and you’re telling me not to panic? Fuck you!”

  “I’m going to look out for the ambulance.” Colin rose to his feet and wandered off.

  “Honey, that was harsh,” my dad managed to say.

  “Shh, Daddy, don’t worry about me right now.”

  I couldn’t lose my dad. I couldn’t be left in this world parentless. He couldn’t die. He had to see me get married. He had to see me succeed in life. I needed more time with him. More time to make him happy and proud of me. Nothing could happen to him. I held him as tightly as I could.

  Once the ambulance arrived, I was asked to step aside and let them work. I hung onto Goldie and watched as they secured him to the stretcher and carried him off. The three of us jumped into the truck Colin had borrowed from his dad and followed the ambulance, leaving the insignificant presents and empty restaurant hall behind.

  In the waiting room, I sat in silence between them. Goldie stroked my hair. In what seemed like hours, a doctor emerged and gathered us into a small, windowless room, around a round table. “Your dad’s going to be fine. He had some chest pain due to a blockage in two of his arteries. We’ve put a stint in them. That should keep his heart ticking healthy for years to come.”

  “He’s going to be okay?” I asked.

  “He’ll be fine. The warning pain saved his life.”

  I breathed a deep sigh of relief and broke out into fresh tears again.

  “Emma, come on, sweetheart. He’s going to be fine. There’s no need for crying.” Colin put his hand to my shoulder, attempting to comfort me.

  Goldie shushed him with a wave of her hand.

  “I’m just feeling emotional.”

  She put her arm around me. “Of course you’re going to cry. Let it out.”

  “Thank you for taking the time to explain everything to us,” Colin said, shaking the young doctor’s hand and walking out of the room with him.

  “Let’s get you home and get those big, black mascara streaks off your face.” Goldie stood and helped me out of my chair.

  “I’m not going home. I want to see him first.”

  Colin entered the small room again. “Ready to get going? We can stop by the restaurant and pick up the rest of the gifts, then head back to your place and rest.”

  “She doesn’t want to go home. Why don’t you go, I’ll stay with her. Then, later on you can come back and get us.”

  “He’s going to be fine, Emma.” He brought me into his arms and kissed my two eyelids and then my lips.

  I sank into his chest
and started crying all over again.

  “What time do you want me to come back for you?”

  “I don’t know. Just come back when you’re ready and we’ll go when it feels right to,” I said.

  Colin let go of me and ran his hands through his thick, dark hair. “I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to sit around a hospital all night, Em. He’s fine here. There’s nothing you’re going to be able to do being here. You may as well be at home, resting. You’ve had a long day.”

  Goldie jumped in. “I’ll go with you right now and I’ll get my car and drive back to be with Emma. This way if she wants to hang out for a while still, I’ll be able to stay with her.”

  “You don’t mind?” he asked.

  “You’re not coming back?” I asked him.

  “Emma, he’s fine. There’s no reason for us to be here now. He needs to rest.”

  “I’m staying.”

  “I really think you should come with us. We’ll get something to eat. Get cleaned up a bit. There’s really nothing you can do for him right now, sweetheart.”

  “I want to stay. Just go, Colin. I’ll be fine. I need to be alone right now.”

  “I’ll be back in a little while,” Goldie said, patting the top of my back as she walked out of the room following him.

  I closed the door to the room as they left and I immediately called Haley. If Colin came barging back in the room at that moment, I wouldn’t care. I needed to talk to her. I needed to hear her reassuring voice.

  “Haley, thank God you answered,” I said immediately after she said a soft hello.

  “Wow, it’s good to hear your voice,” she said. “I’m so sorry about last night.”

  “I don’t care about that right now. Something happened.”

  “What happened?”

  “My dad, he just got out of heart surgery. He collapsed right in front of me today…” My voice trailed off.

  “Is he okay?”

  “He’ll be fine.”

  “Are you okay?”

  “No.” My voice cracked. “I’ve never been so scared.”