The Fiche Room

by Suzie Carr

  “How real? Are you in love with her?” he asked with disbelief.

  “Yes, I am. I’m in love with her.”

  His eyes flared. “Emma, think about how ridiculous you sound. You’re in love with a woman?”

  “Yes.” I rubbed the tears from under my eyes. “Colin, please don’t hate me.”

  “These are the types of things that happen on talk shows, not to me.” He walked over to the slider and kept his back to me.

  “I’m sorry, Colin. This just happened. I didn’t intend for it to.”

  “Just happened? How can one just slip into becoming a lesbian?”

  “I’ve had these feelings for women my whole life, but didn’t realize their intensity until I met Haley.”

  “But you’re attracted to me.”

  “Not the way you deserve.”

  He scoffed. “You waited seven years to tell me this?”

  “I don’t know what to say.”

  “So, what are you going to run to Denver now and live happily forever with… a woman?”

  I hadn’t talked to Haley since my dad’s surgery a few weeks prior. For all I knew, she could’ve already been with someone else. “I’m not sure, Colin. I just know that I never meant to hurt you.”

  “Hurt me?” he snapped around, his face laden with a cocky grin. “If anyone is going to get hurt here, it’s you. You’re choosing to walk away from the best thing in life you ever had. I would have given you so much more than this fucking woman will ever be able to give you. I would have given you children, a beautiful home, lavish vacations. Hell, I would have given my damn life for you if you asked. There would have been so much. You just lost everything.”

  The finality in his words knocked me down. Jabbed at me like an upper cut to my gut. I couldn’t turn back now.

  “Maybe I am making the biggest mistake. But, I think I’d be making an even bigger one if we went through with the wedding. I believe there is a better person out there for you that will love you the way you deserve to be loved. I can’t love you that way. I’ve tried, but I just can’t.”

  “So all those times you told me you loved me, was that pretending?”

  “I didn’t pretend to care about you. But, I’m not in love with you. You deserve to have someone love you.”

  “Don’t make it sound like you’re doing me a favor. How dare you? You’re not going to be happy without me in the long run. This choice will eventually explode in your face. You’re not a lesbian, Emma. You’re just foolish.”

  “Foolish, why? Because I’m freeing myself to find happiness?”

  “Happiness, huh? I’d like to hear how happy you are when you’re forty years old without a child because you chose to partner up with a woman, incapable of performing the natural order of preserving life. I’d like to hear how wonderful you think it is to walk along a romantic beachfront and not be able to stop and kiss and hold hands because of social stigma. I’d like to see how happy you’ll be when you finally realize that you’ll never experience the bliss of a wedding where everyone attending is thrilled for your loving relationship. How happy are you going to be when your own dad turns his back on you?”

  He exposed my weakest areas. He forced me towards the door. “Get out.”

  “I realize you’re upset with me, but can you just step outside of your ego for moment and try to understand instead of judge? Throwing the negatives back into my face is so typical of you. You always have to be right. Your view never fails. It’s a shame up to this point you’ve never had the chance to experience loving someone so much that all those things you mentioned don’t matter. I can have children. I can have a commitment. I will always have my dad’s respect. You are so closed-minded and have no idea that people can have happiness in ways other than you can. You’re wrong, Colin. I can have everything without you.”

  He stared at me with watery eyes.

  I paused to catch my breath. Maybe I went too far. But, I was sick of others trying to run my life for me. I was ready to stand up for my choices. “Just remember one thing, if you live your life worrying about what everyone else is thinking, then you’re not really living up to your potential. Me, by walking out this door, I’m choosing to ignore what everyone else has planned for me and carving my own path. The path I see for myself, not the one you, or my dad, or anyone else for that matter, envisions. The one I envision. That is the only one that really matters to me. I suggest that you do the same.”

  “Go then. What the hell are you waiting for?”

  I picked up the soggy invitations from the counter and slammed the door shut. I walked straight to the dumpster. I stood in front of it, letting the rain wash over me, watching the ink from the envelopes run down my arms. My tears spilled and I took a deep breath. With a winding motion, I tossed the soggy invitations, in one big freeing heave, into the giant metal trash-holding cage, creating an eerie thud.

  It was over.

  I was a free woman.

  ****

  I ran through the airport gateway, dodging people and their luggage. I ran past the long lines at the fast food stands, which buzzed with weary people who looked as though they had just arrived via foot across mountains and deserts. In sharp contrast, I plowed by as though flying effortlessly through the air. I carried with me a brilliant smile that kept me floating all the way through to the security checkpoints and to my taxicab.

  “Eleven-eleven Ventura Boulevard, please,” I directed the driver. And as he sped off down the road, I prayed that Haley didn’t have plans to be out that night after work. If she wasn’t back from work when I arrived, I’d wait. I’d wait out on the terrace all night if I had to.

  I sat on her terrace for two hours before spotting her car rounding the corner. My heart leapt. I prayed she’d welcome my surprise visit. It had been a month since we last spoke. At that point, I had decided to get married and move forward, setting her free. Suddenly, as I watched her car pull into her reserved parking spot, I was unable to steady my breathing or control my excitement.

  My giddiness erupted the moment she climbed out of her car. I dashed down the stairs with my feet barely touching the steps, floating on adrenaline.

  She was scooping out her briefcase from the backseat. I snuck up behind her and tapped her shoulder. She looked at me, dropped her briefcase to the ground and cried out, “Oh my God!” Her beautiful face shined in disbelief. “Is it really you?”

  “I couldn’t—” I trailed off as tears welled in my eyes. I didn’t have to say another word. She swept me in her arms without question.

  She smelled fresh, like she had just bathed in a garden of flowers.

  Our breathing steadied and synchronized as we continued to hug.

  “I can’t believe you’re here,” she said. “Why didn’t you call me and warn me? I feel like my heart is going to explode.”

  “I couldn’t do this over the phone. I couldn’t tell you what I’m about to tell you and not be able to touch you.”

  “What do you want to tell me, baby?”

  What I wanted to say was how sorry I was for putting her through so much. I wanted to tell her about the fights with Colin, about throwing away the invitations in the rain, about how I wanted to spend my life with her. About how each and every second of every day I wondered what she was doing, who was being graced by her smile. But, none of these things came to my mouth. I simply whispered softly, “I missed you so much.”

  She placed her hand over my heart.

  I cradled her fingers.

  Her eyes welled with tears. “You have no idea how much I dreamed of something like this. You just showing up one of these days.”

  “It feels so good to hold you. I’ve been dreaming about how this would feel all the way here, praying that you wouldn’t see me and run the other way.”

  She stepped back from me. “Run away from you?” She nodded, “Look at you. How could I ever run away from someone so pretty?” She stroked the side of my face with her fingers. “No. That would never hap
pen as long as you put yourself in front of me.”

  “Well, here I am, putting myself in front of you,” I said, spinning around and ending curtly, my face inches from hers.

  She moved in closer and brushed my cheek with her lips. “Baby, does this mean what I think it means?”

  “It means it’s over. I’m a free woman now.”

  “Hmm,” she moaned as she moved in even closer. “Free to be with me?”

  “Free to be with you,” I whispered. “I love you.”

  “I love you so much, too,” she said to me, with tears streaming down her cheeks. She slowly brought her lips to mine, where they landed softly. As she kissed me, the adrenaline pumped through me, and I felt my legs get weak at the taste of her. This time our kiss was free, laced with unbridled passion.

  “Welcome back, baby,” she said as our lips parted.

  I hugged her tight. “It’s nice to be back.”

  “I can’t believe you’re here. Did you really call off the wedding?”

  “Two days ago. I told him I was in love with someone else.”

  “Did you tell him who?”

  “I told him. He knows everything. He wasn’t too happy, but I think in time, he’ll get over this.”

  “I don’t know how. I couldn’t ever get over you. I missed you,” she said.

  I giggled, unable to control my giddiness.

  “I missed that giggle,” she said, swinging her arm around my shoulder, as we made our way in her apartment.

  “Are you forgetting something?” I asked, motioning to the briefcase still lying next to her car.

  “That can wait.”

  “Safe neighborhood?”

  I wouldn’t dream of living anyplace but,” she said.

  “Must be nice, huh?”

  “Tell me something,” she said, “Do you like snow?”

  “I can get used to it.”

  “Good, because it snows a lot here.”

  “Is that an invite for me to come back in the winter?”

  “Come back? I was hoping you’d just stay.”

  “That depends on whether you’re willing to keep me warm during those cold winter days.”

  She led me up the stairs and through the front door. Closing the door with her foot, she pulled me into her arms and whispered, “Welcome home, baby.”

  Not letting her go, I let her lead me into the bedroom and guide me to her bed. I melted into her traveling, sensuous kisses, as she slowly, lovingly caressed my whole body and spirit with her love.

  ****

  One year later, Haley had arranged to have my most beloved family and friends gather with us to help celebrate the big event. Over a hundred people were expected to show for the opening.

  “Are you sure we’re going to have enough shrimp?” I poked my head between Goldie and Charlie’s shoulders.

  “Get out of here!” Goldie said. “I told you. Don’t worry about the food part. Just worry about looking pretty, smiling a lot, and selling as many of those paintings as you can.”

  “Is my little girl still bugging you guys?” My dad asked, entering the studio’s back door with a dozen red roses.

  “Dad! You made it!” I ran up to him, throwing my arms around his shoulders and planting a kiss on his cheek. “And you brought me flowers?”

  “Actually, I brought you two other things instead, these flowers are for Haley. It’s her birthday in two days, right?”

  “You remembered?”

  “When I called and got her on the phone last week, it sort of slipped that she was approaching the doomed age of thirty.”

  “What two things did you bring me?” I asked, peering up at him with my best daddy’s little girl expression.

  He placed the flowers on the table next to him, reached into the inside pocket of his sports jacket and took out an envelope and a velvet box. He handed me the velvet box. “This was your mom’s.”

  I opened the box and inside was a diamond pendant necklace. “This was Mom’s? I never saw her wear it.”

  “I had her engagement ring turned into a necklace for you. I figured it was time to stop holding onto the past. Start moving forward, you know? What good was that ring doing in a box all these years when it should have been enjoyed by you? That’s what she would have wanted.”

  “Thank you, Dad,” I said, taking it from the box and handing it to him, “Do you mind?” I asked, turning my back and pulling my hair up so he could easily fasten the clasp.

  “She would have been so proud of you, Emma. I wish she could see all of this.”

  “She can, Dad. She’s here. She wouldn’t miss this for anything.”

  Turning back to face him, I asked, “And what’s in the envelope?”

  “A letter from Colin.”

  My heart flip-flopped. I took it with a quivering hand. I opened it and removed a crisply folded piece of Colin’s monogrammed work stationery.

  I read the letter.

  Dear Emma,

  About a month ago, I noticed a new painting of the Colorado River hanging in your dad’s home office. So much passion stirred inside those brushstrokes. The scene pulled at me and drew me closer. I had really never looked at a painting the way I looked at this one. Your dad told me you’d painted it.

  For the first time, I actually opened my eyes and saw the beauty in your passion. I can’t help but wonder about all the other beautiful parts of you that I may have overlooked.

  It’s been a year already and I often ask your dad how you are. He tells me you’re happier than ever. And truthfully, I’m jealous. Though, I’m proud of you for finding your passion and pursuing it. You’ve taught me a lot about myself in the past year, without even knowing. Thank you. I’ll continue to look up at this beautiful painting of the Colorado River, which now hangs in my office, and think back to our special memories. Love always, Colin.

  I folded the letter and placed it back in the envelope. A wave of relief washed over me. I truly wanted all the best for him, too. And I knew he would have it.

  When I looked up, my dad and I exchanged a knowing smile. The past had been laid to rest and now we were both moving forward with our futures, savoring the memories and ready to create new ones.

  Haley walked through the French doors leading from the studio. She looked elegant with her hair tied up. Her red dress hugged her toned body perfectly. “Wow, you look gorgeous,” I said. Then turning to my dad, “Dad, doesn’t she look incredible?”

  “Not bad for a thirty year old,” he said, winking at her.

  She went to him and gave him a hug. “It’s nice to see you again,” she said, then stepped back and squeezed his cheek between her fingers. “Looking good for a fifty-something year old.”

  I smiled at the sight of my girlfriend and dad joking around together. Over the past year they had gotten to know each other well. Never did I think my dad would come to accept Haley as my partner. And here they were, looking as much like a father and daughter as he and I did.

  “Are you ready to be introduced?” she asked me.

  “I’m set.” I took a deep breath, as I placed my arm in the crook of hers.

  This was my grand opening. That night, I’d showcase my entire Denver collection of paintings. Haley believed I would no doubt be famous for my work not just locally, but eventually nationwide. She had arranged the entire event, promoting me like I was the prized artist she always believed me to be. With her by my side, I had no doubt that together, as a team, we would achieve all we set out to make happen.

  Feeling freer than I ever had, I looked up to the ceiling and smiled, feeling my mom’s spirit. Then, with my dad, Goldie and Charlie, Tatiana, and Haley by my side, I walked out the French doors to my studio filled with supportive, admiring patrons just waiting to catch a glimpse of me, the Artist.

 

 

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