by Amanda James
The contents of my fridge and cupboard are decidedly uninspiring. My stomach growls at me so I decide to get a takeaway. I deserve it – I’ve done three chapters without a break and cooking is way down on the list.
As I ponder over curry or Chinese, the doorbell rings. No way. If it’s Lydia or Emily wanting me to join them for a drink, I’ll have to be rude. I’ll be the life and soul tomorrow, but tonight’s just for me. I paint on a smile and open the door. To Dan. Great. He’s got a bottle of wine under his arm and a bag of groceries in one hand, in the other there’s a bouquet of red roses as big as Jupiter. Must have cost him a bloody fortune, but then he has one, doesn’t he?
‘If the wind changes your face will stay like that,’ he says, giving me a lovely smile.
I close my mouth and force a smile back. ‘Bloody hell, Dan. I don’t know what to say – I just wanted an early night and a takeaway.’ I do wavy arms at his gifts and then I fold them across my chest, try to make my voice assertive. ‘I did say that on the phone earlier.’
‘Yes. But when I said I was desperately in love with you but that I wasn’t desperate enough to pay someone to warn Harry off – I realised I was desperate enough to ignore what you said on the phone. And if you send me away, then so be it. It’s only food, wine and flowers. Not the end of the world, and I’ll respect your choice with no hard feelings.’ I get a sheepish grin.
How the hell can I be mean enough to send him away after the effort he’s gone to? Besides, I don’t want to send him away. I want to pull him into my arms and kiss him. Before I can talk myself out of it I do just that. He’s so surprised he drops the flowers and we both bend to pick them up at the same time, banging our heads. We laugh, and he follows me into the kitchen. He sets the groceries down and then we just do intense staring at each other for a few moments. I break his gaze by slipping out of my clothes. He pulls me to him in a bone crushing embrace and then caresses my breasts, drops kisses on them and every part of my body. I rip off his shirt and start to unzip his jeans, but he stops me and carries me to my bedroom. For an instant I wonder if I’m doing the right thing, then he steps out of his jeans and joins me on the bed – I stop wondering.
I wake to a delicious smell coming from the kitchen and my stomach forgets about growling and roars instead. Sex on an empty stomach has made me even more ravenous and I slip my dressing gown on and hurry along the corridor. I can’t believe I just fell asleep afterwards, must be the release of all that tension. I must admit, I feel bloody wonderful. It’s been such a long time since I’ve made love like that.
As I walk into the room, I see Dan in his boxers and shirt, tasting something on a spoon, and then he dips it back into a pot on the stove. I tiptoe up behind him. ‘Caught you! You’re supposed to rinse it under the tap – don’t want your germs, do I?’
Dan jumps and I burst out laughing. ‘Fuck! You scared the shit out of me!’ He turns around, grabs me round the waist, hoists me over his shoulder, and sits me on the kitchen table. ‘Now, sit there and wait to be served. Won’t be long.’
‘What are we having? Smells like chilli.’
‘That’s because it is. But not ordinary chilli – it’s got a secret ingredient and I’m making lemon rice too.’
‘Never heard of lemon rice, and what secret ingredient?’ I catch the bit of garlic bread he chucks at me and scoff it down in one.
‘If I tell you, it won’t be secret, will it?’ Dan flashes a smile and then turns back to his cooking.
A warm glow floods my chest and contentment spreads throughout my whole body. This is what I’ve missed. This is the sparkly twinkly stuff I’ve yearned for, the intimacy, the togetherness. It’s the little things in life that are the most important. They’re actually the big things, but we don’t always realise it until it’s too late and we’ve lost them along the way. If Dan and I make a go of things, I promise to treasure each little thing and keep the memory safe in my heart for rainy days and old age.
At the table, I attack the chilli like a starving dog which reminds me of last night’s disaster of a meal. What a difference a day makes, twenty-four little hours. I hide a smile and ask Dan how he made the aromatic and flavoursome lemon rice.
‘Once again, I can’t tell you. It’s one of the secrets I’ll take to the grave.’
‘Whatever, Trevor. It’s delicious anyway,’ I say, through a mouthful of it.
‘Like me, eh?’
I roll my eyes at him. ‘Like you, yes.’
‘Don’t roll your eyes. You’re the one who pounced on me, tore my clothes off and ravaged me to the point of exhaustion. You must have found me a bit attractive.’ He winks and pours more wine for us both.
‘Yep. You’re not bad, I suppose.’
‘You’re okay too, I suppose.’ He points his fork at me. ‘And it’s only taken me nearly thirty years to get you in the sack.’
He’s being funny, but it’s not really, is it? Because immediately there are unwelcome images of him and Penny coming out of his room half-dressed, of me breaking down, of him saying he’s sorry and of her – bright red and guilty as sin. I fall silent and eat my food.
‘Oh God I’m such an idiot,’ he says putting his fork down and stroking my hand. ‘It just came out. I didn’t think, really.’
‘Forget it. The past is the past and this is now.’
Dan slips from his chair and kneels at my feet, takes my hand and kisses it. ‘Please forgive me. This has been such a perfect, if unexpected, evening.’ He gives an endearing shy smile. ‘That was the past like you say, but I want to be part of your future so much. Can I be?’
I’d be bloody furious if he wasn’t after tonight. My bridges are burnt, my guard is down, and I don’t care. I like the fact that it is. ‘Not sure, Dan,’ I say. ‘You have to prove your worth, mate.’ I smile, push my plate away and lean back, letting my dressing gown fall open to the waist.
Dan’s eyes fill with lust and he kisses my neck, my breasts, moaning, ‘Am I proving my worth now?’
I lift his mouth to mine, taste the spicy chilli and wine on his lips and breathe, ‘Not yet. How about we have a full rerun of earlier, just so I can make sure.’
21
A week before Christmas and it’s getting harder and harder to keep Dan and my relationship a secret from my children. Helena came round unexpectedly early one morning last week to see if I could babysit Adam as she had a cancellation come through at the dentist. Dan had to stay in the bedroom until she’d gone. Even then it was tricky, because little as he is, Adam’s really sharp, and he can say a few words quite well. He repeats names, so I hope he didn’t say Dan to his mum. She didn’t mention anything though, so I guess he didn’t.
I make the bed, trace my fingers over Dan’s side of the bed and can still smell him on the sheets. I catch my reflection in the mirror – a love-sick schoolgirl with splashes of pink on her cheeks looks back as she remembers her recent night of passion. The word ‘love’ brings me up with a start. Not sure it’s that yet, but all the old feelings from years ago are back, and I certainly loved him then. I miss him like crazy when he’s not here too – that’s a sign this thing we have is more than infatuation. Dan was up and away early this morning as he had business in Exeter, and I’d told him I wish he wasn’t going. Then he said he’d get a few more people on board to help out in the new year so he can spend more time with me. He’s so thoughtful.
My morning coffee is strong and hot, just what I need to get my head together and think about Christmas again more rationally. Dan says we should just tell Jack and Helena and get everything out in the open. He’s right, I know he is, but there’s a chance Jack and Felicity won’t come over for Christmas lunch as they promised if I do. Helena will feel uncomfortable if that happens too. She’s not as against Dan as Jack is, it was her that encouraged me to let him invest after all, but I know she’ll be devastated that another man is on the scene. She adored her dad. I told her that Dan had nothing to do with warning Harry off, but she seemed
unconvinced. Anyway, whatever happens, Christmas will be ruined. I’m wondering if I should just not say anything until the day, and then drop casually into the conversation that Dan’s coming over for lunch, an hour or so before we’re due to eat. Then if there’s an argument we can have it out of the way before Dan arrives. Yes, that’s what I’ll do. I finish my coffee and set of for the study.
Christmas morning, I’m beginning to regret my decision to leave the big reveal about Dan and me ’til just before lunch. It’s bad enough that Dan had to spend Christmas Eve alone, because Jack and Felicity are here, but he did it without a murmur. He’s being very cloak-and-dagger about my Christmas present though. He says I can’t have it until New Year’s Eve. I make a start on the potatoes and wonder what it could be. He’d better not have gone overboard as I’ve only got him a new shirt and some aftershave.
Felicity comes into the kitchen and picks up a bag of sprouts. ‘Need a hand, Sam?’
I want to say no that’s fine, but I could do with some help, actually. Helena usually comes over early to help but she didn’t offer this time. ‘Only if you’re sure. You haven’t come here to be put to work.’
Felicity twists her long blonde hair into a scrunchie and laughs. ‘You make it sound like I’m a maid in Downton.’
We’re laughing as Jack comes in. ‘Any chance of a bacon sarnie, Ma? I’m Hank Marvin.’
‘When aren’t you? Just let me finish these potatoes and I’ll make you one.’
‘I can do it. Just wondered if we had bacon.’ He chucks a sprout at me and I splash water at him. Then my heart sinks. This light and cosy atmosphere will likely disappear in a while once I’ve told them about Dan.
An hour later, Helena, Carl and my darling Adam arrive, and I scoop him up for a big hug. Then we gather round the tree and watch him open his presents. He’s more interested in the boxes than the toys, but it’s so lovely to see his little face light up every time he opens one. A pang of hurt, sharp and keen as it was the first day I lost his granddad, pierces my chest and I take a gulp of sherry to warm it away. Adam’s missing so much. Why did he have to be taken so early? Then guilt creeps in. I haven’t been thinking about him too much lately, have I? Especially when I’m in bed with Dan.
‘Penny for them, Mum?’ Jack says, slipping his arm around me.
That makes me think of poor Penny too. Great. This needs to stop and now is as good a time as any to tell my family my news. ‘Um, I’m wondering how to begin really. Here we all are enjoying precious family time on this special day… but there’s someone who’s missing.’
Helena nods, leans across on the sofa and pats my hand. ‘Dad’s always here with us, Mum. It hurts like hell at times like this, but I can feel him in spirit.’
Shit. I was going to say Dan was missing, but now it would sound awful after what she said. ‘Yes. So can I, love.’ I take another gulp of sherry. ‘There is something else though. I’ve invited Dan for dinner. He’s on his own now, of course, and well…’
‘You’ve what!’ Jack snaps, turning from the fireplace to glare at me.
‘Mum, no. You know we can’t stand him,’ Helena says, her eyes filling.
Carl gives her a warning look. ‘It’s not up to us, love.’
Felicity looks embarrassed and turns her attention to Adam’s musical toy.
I expect this from Jack, but Helena? ‘I know Jack’s not keen, but you said you thought he was okay. You encouraged me to let him invest in this place.’
‘But not take Dad’s place so soon. I could cope when I thought you just needed a bit of, you know – comfort.’ Her cheeks go pink and she flaps a hand at my surprise. ‘Don’t look like that, I know he’s been creeping round here most nights. We do only live down the road, Mum.’ So that’s why she’s not been as friendly recently. ‘And Adam’s Dan, Dan, Dan, when he comes home after the days you look after him – it hardly takes an Einstein.’
‘You never told me!’ Jack says to his sister, throwing his hands up.
‘No. That’s because I thought it was a bloody fling!’ Helena says, opening her arms wide and sticking her neck out. ‘But this sounds more serious now – Christmas dinner is family time.’
Adam looks at his mum and his chin wobbles. ‘Mama?’
Carl picks him up. ‘It’s okay, sweetheart. Mama is just playing. Ooh look. Shall we play with your ball outside?’
Adam laughs and points at the door. ‘Ball.’
Carl says, ‘I’ll take him out for a bit, and when I come back I expect calm. If Sam wants to invite Dan for Christmas dinner, it’s up to her. If he makes her happy, then so what. Isn’t she allowed happiness?’ He jabs a finger at Helena and Jack. ‘And it’s about time you two stopped acting like a pair of stroppy teenagers.’ He grabs Adam’s coat and leaves the room.
I have never been fonder of Carl than right at this minute. He’s absolutely right. I won’t be bossed about and dictated to by my own children. Aware that the situation still needs careful handling though, I say, ‘Carl’s right. Dan makes me happy and…’ I turn to my daughter. ‘He will never ever take the place of your dad, love. Nobody could. But don’t I deserve some happiness? I don’t want to go through my life alone.’
Helena looks at her hands and sighs. ‘Of course you deserve happiness, Mum. It just feels really wrong that Dad…’ Standing, tears trickle down her cheeks and mine copy hers.
I go to comfort her but then Jack says, ‘Yes, be happy, but why him? He’s a womanising, self-centred, controlling piece of shit!’
‘Jack!’ I say, shocked at his vehemence.
‘Hey, that’s a bit much, Jack,’ Felicity says, going to him and putting her hand on his arm.
‘No it isn’t! There’s something about him that I can’t put my finger on… besides what I’ve just said about him, I mean.’ He shakes off Felicity’s hand and paces the room. ‘I just get the feeling that he’s out to claim you, as if you’re some long-lost prize that’s eluded him for years and he can’t stand that. No. He has to win at any cost.’
‘But why do you feel like this, you’ve hardly seen him.’
‘I’ve seen enough. Have you forgotten how he betrayed you when you were kids? And all that bull about him helping you to see that you hadn’t killed Penny, when you were going through that really bad patch, even though it was a sodding suicide! He’ll have put that idea in your head somehow, so he could play the hero. He fucked with your mind while you were at your lowest after Penny’s death, Mum. He’s total scum.’
As Jack’s talking I’m reminded of Dan saying I was wet the morning after Penny killed herself. At the time I’d admitted to myself that Dan might have just made that up to make me think I’d had something to do with it but dismissed that out of hand when the antidepressants weren’t in my cabinet. And I knew that the suicide note was a fake. What if I had killed her after all… or what if he had? Okay, there’s no way I’m digging all that up again. I’ve moved on. We’ve moved on. The wet hair? I might have been in the hot tub with her for a while, but then she killed herself – stole my tablets one time when she was at mine and downed them on the night. Tragic, but that’s what happened.
‘Let’s leave it now. Can’t you see how upset your mum is?’ Felicity says, coming over and putting her arm around me.
Helena takes my hand. ‘Yes, sorry, Mum. If you’ve chosen Dan, then we’ll have to respect it whether we like him or not.’ She does flashy eyes at her brother. ‘Won’t we, Jack?’
Before Jack can jump in, I say, ‘It’s early days anyway. We might not last, but right now we’re good for each other. Let’s just see what happens, hmm?’
Jack glowers at us all and knocks back the remains of his sherry. ‘Okay. Anything for a quiet life – I’m doing it for you, right?’ He points an imperious finger at me and I want to slap it away. ‘But don’t expect me to be all sweetness and light when he gets here. Might be as well to tell him to leave me alone today actually.’
‘Just be polite, Jack. That’ll be eno
ugh.’ I get up and go to check on the turkey while assessing the whole situation. It could have gone worse. Not much, but worse. At least they didn’t all jump up and leave en-masse.
‘That must have been one of the most uncomfortable Christmas dinners in the history of Christmas dinners,’ I say to Dan after closing the door behind Jack and Felicity.
‘Could have been worse, love.’ Dan takes me in his arms and kisses my cheek.
‘But they’ve all left and it’s only half four.’ I pull away and head for the wine bottle. ‘I mean how lame is the excuse that Jack and Felicity are staying at Helena and Carl’s for a few days to catch up. They might as well have just said we can’t stand to be under your roof now Dan’s here.’ There’s a tremor in my voice and I bite the inside of my cheek. I don’t want to blub.
‘Hey, sweetheart. It’s all new – a shock to them. Give them time to get used to me.’ He takes our drinks into the living room, settles on the sofa and puts his feet up.
He’s right. I’m expecting miracles. ‘Yes, okay. Just wish it could be all of us here together.’
‘This time next year, we’ll be one big happy family.’ Dan pulls me onto his lap and kisses me.
‘You think?’ I say and rest my head on his shoulder. It’s nice that he’s thinking so far ahead. Planning for the future with him would have scared the hell out of me a few weeks back, but now I find it comforting.
‘I know it for sure.’ Dan strokes my hair. ‘Trust me, I’m a magician. If I can’t make it happen, nobody can.’
