by Amanda James
I keep quiet. I honestly think that this is too tall an order even for him. Why can’t things just be simple? I look into his soft brown eyes full of love for me and decide as long as I have him, I don’t really care.
22
Dan is spoiling me and I love it. Waking to the smell of a cooked breakfast is one of my favourite things, especially after a night of mind-blowing lovemaking. With a giggle in my throat, I sit up in bed and stretch. Hopping out of bed, I fling open the curtains onto a wonderfully sunny morning and a glimpse of blue sea. Just the morning for a brisk walk on the beach, and it’s New Year’s Eve – a time for reflection, and of new hopes and dreams for the next twelve months. Let’s hope it’s better than this one has been. Apart from being back with Dan, the one fantastic highlight.
In the bathroom, I run the shower and let the hot jets of water wake me up properly. I think about how happy I am, but wish my family felt the same. They’ve been conspicuous by their absence all week, and they’re off doing their own thing tonight too. Jack and Felicity are in Exeter for a party, and Helena and Carl are just having a quiet one. They’ve been up during the night a bit this week with little Adam apparently. This is probably true, but Helena sounded really distant when I phoned yesterday, I remember. Jack said he was in a rush when I phoned him too – couldn’t end the call fast enough.
Wrapped in a fluffy towel, I sit on the bed and try to stop my initial good mood evaporating like the steam in the en suite, but it’s not working. Yes, I keep telling myself that I don’t need anyone but Dan, but that’s not true. It’s just something I say to protect my battered heart. I want things as they used to be with my son and daughter. They mean the world to me. So what am I going to do, give up Dan? No. No way.
Perhaps I’m just feeling vulnerable – it’s the time of year when emotions run high, isn’t it? Maybe we need to just give it time, like Dan keeps saying. My children, I’ve discovered, don’t love me unconditionally, or at least their actions lately suggest that they don’t, and it hurts. But Dan does. For now, that will have to be enough, and much more than many people manage in a lifetime. I’ve had two wonderful men in my life – so very lucky. Dan hurt me once, but he’s promised he’ll never do anything like that again and I believe him. With a smile in my heart, I get dressed, dry my hair and hurry into the kitchen. Perfect timing, as he’s setting our breakfast on the table.
We’re on the beach in wellies, padded jackets, scarves and gloves, splashing in the waves and laughing like loons. Dan picks me up and threatens to drop me in the Atlantic and I shriek my head off, bringing startled looks and smiles from the surprisingly many people walking here this winter afternoon. He turns quickly, nearly loses his footing, and I demand to be taken back to dry land. He complies, sets me down and kisses me. His lips taste of salt and the Christmas cake we had after lunch, and I can’t remember when I was last this happy. It wasn’t so long ago that I watched a couple in wellies kissing on the beach and it brought me to tears. I have them now – tears of happiness.
Dan looks at me, takes my face in his gloved hands and knits his brows. ‘What’s wrong, darling? Why are you sad?’
‘I’m not sad,’ I say, brushing away my tears. ‘I’m ridiculously happy.’
‘Good. And I hope to make you much happier in a few minutes.’ He gives me a slow mysterious smile and then takes my hand, leads me up the beach to the dunes and we sit down on a big flat rock.
‘I don’t think I could be any happier, Dan.’ I gaze out at the beach scene and heave a sigh of contentment. ‘Well, I could if Helena and Jack were more–’
My words stop as he gets on one knee on the sand before me. From his pocket he pulls a little green velvet box and opens the lid. There’s a light of hope in his eyes and an uncertain smile on his face. My heart rate rockets and my stomach flips over as the orange afternoon sun, low in the sky, sets a cluster of sapphires and diamonds on fire.
‘Sam, the first and only love of my life. Will you do the honour of marrying me?’
Words fail me. I have so many, but none feel right and slide back down my throat before they get to my tongue. I’m so shocked… in a nice way, but marriage. Marriage already? ‘I… Dan, I don’t know what to say.’ I look at him and smile, but I can’t see his face properly through my tears.
‘It’s too soon, isn’t it? I knew it would be, but I can’t help myself.’ He gets off one knee, sits back on his haunches. I wipe my eyes and see his fingers are trembling as he holds the ring box. ‘I want you to be my wife. I want us to live together, to share the rest of our lives. Hell, I always did, until I made that stupid mistake with Penny, thinking with my dick instead of–’
My finger on his lips stops his gabbling. ‘Hey, don’t bring all that up now.’ My eyes search his face. He looks so vulnerable and so much like the young man I fell in love with all those years ago. The breeze ruffles his spiky dark hair and his uncertain smile is back. Right now, I know what I want to say and so I’d better go ahead and say it. ‘I think this ring is the best Christmas or New Year present I’ve ever had, and I love you so much…’ I stop and twist my mouth to one side, try to look downcast.
Dan puts a hand over his mouth and shakes his head. ‘I feel a “but” coming on.’
‘I nod and purse my lips. ‘But…’ He raises his eyes to the clouds and I see his Adam’s apple bob once or twice – it’d be cruel to keep this up any longer. ‘I have to tell you that I’d be honoured to be your wife.’
Dan lowers his eyes and his mouth falls open. ‘You would?’
‘I would.’
With shaking fingers, he plucks the ring from its box and slips it onto my third finger. It fits perfectly. I hold it up to the sun and watch the light bounce of the stones. ‘It’s so beautiful,’ I whisper.
‘Just like you,’ he says, a tremor in his voice. Then he springs up from the sand, pulls me up too and dances me round the beach yelling, ‘She said yes! Yes! She said yes!’
People stop, laugh and point, and a few dogs bark. I laugh too and say, ‘Hey, calm down. People will think you’re nuts.’
‘I don’t care!’ he says and hoists me up in the air.
A knot of people nearby clap and I make Dan put me down. I wave my thanks to the people, and as we walk past them up the beach, they ask to see the ring. Many ‘oohs’ and ‘ahs’ follow and by the time we get to the café, I feel like I’m walking on air.
‘How perfect is today?’ I sigh and dip a spoon into the fresh cream on top of my hot chocolate.
‘The perfectest day ever,’ Dan says taking my ring finger and twisting it to the light. ‘And I’ve thought of the perfect location for our big day. What do you think about Watergate Bay Hotel? We could have the reception there too – such a stunning view over the ocean.’ Before I can process that, he adds, ‘And how about February or March?’
‘What? You mean for the wedding?’
‘No for a road trip. Yes, the wedding, what else?’
‘Well, it’s a bit soon – it’s January tomorrow. There’s too much to organise. A dress to buy, a cake to order…’ Not to mention breaking it to the family. God, that will not be easy. It might take me until March to pluck up courage.
‘I’ll do all that… apart from choose your dress.’ He gives me a big smile. ‘It doesn’t have to be a grand do unless you want it to be. I just want to marry you as soon as possible and get on with the rest of our lives.’ He looks up to the left. ‘Mrs Samantha Thomas has a nice ring to it, don’t you think?’
My smile is non-committal. I’ve been Sam Lane longer than I’d been Sam Hennessey before that and another name change feels weird. Besides, it was Adam’s name.
Dan frowns. ‘Unless you want to keep your name? No pressure.’
‘I don’t know, Dan. It’s so sudden and I need to process it, okay?’ I put my hand on his and he nods.
‘Yep. Of course you do – I’m just over excited, that’s all.’ A big smile stretches his face but doesn’t quite reach his eyes. Th
at’s his controlling nature I suppose. He’ll have to curb that once we’re married.
In an attempt to lighten the atmosphere, I say, ‘I’m thinking a Givenchy dress, a bit like Meghan Markle’s, or I should say The Duchess of Sussex. The train should be about ten feet long too. Five bridesmaids, a pageboy – Adam of course – and a quartet to play us in. As you know, Jamie Oliver’s Fifteen restaurant is on site, so I’d like to have him to personally create the wedding breakfast and be there to meet all the guests. A honeymoon in… oh, let’s say Hawaii might be nice. Can you sort all that in time?’
Dan laughs, and I think he’s back to his happy self. ‘You can dream on, sweet cheeks.’ Then his face becomes serious. ‘But, Sam, if you do want a grand do I’ll wait until we can organise it even though I want a wedding soon. As you know, I have quite a bit of money and if your dress costs thousands, then I’ll be happy to pay it to make your day exactly as you want it.’
Bless his heart. ‘Don’t be daft. I’m just playing with you. I’d not feel comfortable spending a fortune on a wedding. Just a small cosy one at The Watergate with friends, and hopefully family there, will be perfect.’
He takes a swallow of his hot chocolate and dabs his mouth with a napkin. ‘Hmm. You’re worried about telling your kids, aren’t you?’
‘Dur, yeah. Can you imagine their reaction?’ I take a sip of my drink and the hot chocolate tastes too sweet and cloying, as an image of Helena and Jack’s faces – shocked, angry and reproachful – appears in my mind.
‘They won’t be pleased, but they’ll come round. They’ll have to.’ Dan shrugs as if it’s a fait accompli.
‘Let’s leave that alone for now and talk about the wedding and the rest of our lives.’ I blow him a kiss.
‘Suits me.’ Then he twists his mouth to one side. ‘There is one thing that’s been bothering me.’ Oh great, what now? ‘Where will we live? I’d like to think it’d be at your house as you know how much I love it… but might that upset you, with the memories I mean.’
My heart swells with sadness and I look into my mug, blink away tears. My darling Adam and I moved into the house full of hope and happiness. I’ve not had time to consider where Dan and I would live after the wedding. It’s all so new. But yes, it might be upsetting to have Dan living in Adam’s and my house. With a napkin, I wipe my tears and sniff and shrug. I don’t have the words.
‘Sorry, love. I didn’t mean to make you sad.’ Dan leans his elbows on the table and puts his head in his hands.
I tell him not to worry and we sit quietly for a few minutes to ponder the problem. Then I say, ‘It will be hard at first, I think. But I really can’t imagine leaving it behind and moving elsewhere either. In a way that would be worse, as if I’m just abandoning the house, the memories and… Adam. I’ll never do that, you know. I’ll always love him too, so if that’s going to be a problem–’
Dan reaches out a hand to mine. ‘Hey, hey of course not. I’ll always have a place in my heart for Penny too, we can’t just wipe them from our lives, nor would we want to.’
I try a smile. ‘Okay, so that’s settled. We’ll live in the house on the cliff.’
‘Yes, my darling. And we’ll decorate the bedroom – make it more ours. Hell, we’ll decorate the whole place if you like.’
There he is again, organising – controlling. I give him a wink. ‘Let’s just wait and see.’
It’s two weeks into January and yesterday I plucked up courage to break the news about getting married to my children. I wasn’t brave enough to do it face-to-face, plus that would be difficult as Jack’s at uni and Helena doesn’t seem to have much time for me now. She tends to rush off when she drops Adam two mornings a week, and when she picks him up she always can’t stay long as she’s “a ton of this that and the other” to do. I can understand Helena’s short of time – she’s started a part-time job at a garden centre in Newquay, just to have a bit of a change, as she puts it. I remember how hard it is being a young mum and can see why she needs a break. Still, I know my daughter, and the rushing about is mainly an excuse not to talk to me about Dan.
Dan’s up north for the next two days and I’m in the study attempting to write for the first time since a few days before Christmas. But what do I expect? Since then I’ve lived in a whirlwind of emotion so shouldn’t reproach myself. My fingers hover over the keyboard but I just stare at the words Chapter Seven for ages, while my mind drifts back to yesterday’s phone conversation with my kids.
Both were gobsmacked. Predictably, Jack was furious and ended up putting the phone down on me. He did phone back ten minutes later to apologise, but he was cold and distant. Polite – like a stranger. He’s sorry if he upset me but I must realise it will take some time to get used to, and we’ll speak again in a few weeks. I’m convinced Felicity had made him call back. She’s ever the peacemaker. Helena was just sad. Terribly sad. She broke down on the phone and said she wanted me to be happy, but she couldn’t talk about it. Of the two responses, I think hers hurt me the most. Why can’t they see the good in him? It’s not as if I’m walking into this with my eyes closed. I know he’s a control freak, a go-getter, and has been deceitful, but he’s also tender, caring and loving. Am I being naive? I honestly don’t think so because I’ve seen the worst of him, know him inside out, and the more mature me can handle him much better than my sixteen-year-old self.
The cursor after the chapter heading is winking at me as if to say, ‘You’ve got no clue what to write, have you?’ This is no good – I either get on with it or do something else. Linking my fingers together, I bend them backwards to crack my knuckles and type. The twinkling fairly lights on the tree reminded Gemma of Christmases past. Her eyes filled with tears, as the grief of missing Adam… Adam? I should have written Mark. Okay, I need a break. No point writing in this bloody mood.
The cliff path is a quagmire, and some parts from Bedruthan back to Mawgan Porth have been treacherous. It has rained almost constantly for the past four days, so what did I expect? Because the sun came out today, and I needed to get away from the computer, I thought I’d chance it. Going out to Bedruthan was better as it was uphill, but the slopes coming back are a different matter. Never mind, I’m on the home stretch and the walk in the fresh sea air, stunning views of the churny ocean and the rugged coastline all around, has done me the power of good.
Nearing the intersection of the path which is a shortcut to my place, to my right, I see a bobbing head as a figure climbs the muddy path up from the beach. It’s familiar. I look again – yep, Alison. She’s not what I need right now, or any time, actually. I quicken my pace but my legs go from under me, and I sit down in the mud with an undignified ‘Oomph’. My bum’s sore but nothing worse than that, and I scramble to my feet, desperate to get away before I’m spotted.
‘Sam? Hey, Sam! You okay? You went down like a sack of spuds.’ Alison waves and bounds over to me like a bloodhound following a particularly juicy scent.
The “before I’m spotted” ship has sailed then. ‘Hi, Alison!’ I say, in my most cheery voice. I give a half-hearted wave and groan inside.
‘You want to be more careful at your age,’ she says with a giggle and tucks her blonde bob behind each ear.
‘Hmm yes,’ I say and flap a hand toward my house. ‘Can’t stay to chat as I’ve got a ton of things to do.’ I sound like Helena.
‘Oh just stop for a moment. It’s ages since I saw you.’
Yes, I think. It was a few months back when I told her to piss off when she popped round unexpectedly. Talk about a thick bloody skin. ‘It has been a while,’ I offer. She says nothing but smiles and looks at me expectantly with those green miss-nothing eyes. Uncomfortable, I add, ‘How are you, anyway? I didn’t know you walked the cliff paths.’
She laughs like it’s the funniest thing she’s ever heard. ‘Not really me, is it? But after Christmas I was horrified to find that I’d put on nearly half a stone! I’m going to make this walking lark a regular thing.’ I look at
her svelte figure in red leggings, black polo neck, walking boots and grey padded jacket and say I would never have guessed. ‘Aw, that’s a lovely thing to say, hon.’
‘Anyway, I must go, as I said–’
‘You seen anything of Dan?’ She puts her head on one side and a lascivious light comes into her eyes.
‘We’re business partners, so yes.’ That’s all she’s getting.
‘Wish I had. He’s bloody gorgeous, isn’t he?’ I sigh and look away to my house again wishing I were inside with the door locked. ‘Mind you, strictly between us, I saw quite a lot of him a few months back – if you know what I mean?’
My head snaps back round to see triumph in her eyes and pouty lips. What the fuck? My voice comes out as a croak. ‘No. What do you mean exactly?’
‘Isn’t it obvious? Though he did tell me not to breathe a word to anyone – you especially.’ A peevish expression sharpens her features. ‘Obviously still thinks the world of you.’ Then she does the annoying laugh again and I want to slap her. ‘I would have kept quiet if he’d not been such a shit the next morning. Talk about Jekyll and bleeding Hyde.’
I must have misunderstood. She has a husband in the army… I feel like I’m in some surreal dream… Alison’s mouth’s moving and she’s gesticulating, laughing, and I’m hearing her words, but they aren’t registering in my head. All of a sudden I say, ‘Wait a minute. Are you actually telling me you had a one-night stand with Dan Thomas a few months ago?’
She looks at me as if I’m an imbecile and speaks slowly. ‘Well, yeah, hon… course that’s what I’m saying. Me and Soldier Boy have split. Not sure you know.’ Then she flicks her bob from behind each ear. ‘But like I said, the next morning Dan was like a different man saying it was a mistake, one of his worst. Cheeky bastard.’ Alison folds her arms and pouts again. ‘I mean, how do you think that made me feel? I was so furious I said I’d tell you if he kept going on, and he said that I’d be bloody sorry if I did. I mean, really!’ The laugh again. ‘Thing is, I do like bad boys and he is evil. Good in bed too…’ Her voice has taken on a dreamy quality and she gives me a wink.
