by Amanda James
My stomach turns over and I think I’m going to be sick. No. No, Dan, how could you! ‘Right… I must go,’ I hear myself say and try to force my feet to move. My legs are trembling though, so I just stand there taking big gulps of air.
Alison’s face looms close to mine. ‘What’s up, hon? You’ve gone ashen. Here, give me your arm, you’re trembling all over.’
I yank my arm away. ‘I’m fine!’
‘Hey, only trying to help. It’s not because of what I said, is it? You don’t still fancy him secretly, do you?’
I look at the glee in her eyes and the desire to slap her becomes overwhelming. She’s loving this. Before I can stop myself, I thrust my neck out and yell, ‘You could say that! We’re getting married!’
It’s her turn to go ashen. She takes a step back from me and wraps her arms around her middle. ‘Oh, Sam. I didn’t know…’
‘It’s not common knowledge yet, that’s why. I only told my fucking family yesterday!’ I take a step forward, my hands itching to close around her scrawny little throat. Then I register fear in her eyes. Good. One more step and a shove to her middle and she’d be flying over the edge of the cliff and into the sea. This thought brings me up with a start and I turn round, fury giving my legs the strength they lacked a few minutes ago and march away up the hill.
‘Sam! Sam wait!’ I hear her huffing behind and her feet thumping on the path.
‘Leave me the hell alone, Alison!’
‘No! Please wait! I have to speak to you.’
The urgency in her tone slows my pace and I whirl round to face her. ‘What?’
She’s standing there breathing hard, her face a mask of concern. Genuine I think for a change. ‘Please believe me that I’d never have said anything if I’d known. I was just showing off because I knew you’d had a thing with him years ago. Trying to make you jealous, I suppose.’ A quick shake of her head. ‘Stupid bitch that I am.’
‘I can’t disagree with you there,’ I snap and give her daggers.
She appears not to hear and babbles on. ‘And even though he’s totally hot, I wouldn’t touch him with a barge pole really, even though I said all that stuff just now, ’cos the look in his eyes freaked me out when he said I’d be sorry if I told you. Shit – my mouth just runs away with me sometimes. Now I’ve found you’re getting married to him I’m really worried he’ll want revenge. Please don’t tell him what you know about us, Sam.’
Alison looks like a frightened mouse, makes a change from a cat that’s got the cream. I’ve no sympathy for her though. She hurts people all the time with her casual spiteful words and nasty gossip. Poor Penny was on the receiving end the night she took her life. My stomach churns when I think of this bitch and Dan together. I shake my head.
‘Just fuck off, Alison, before I do something I’ll regret.’
I turn back and run up the hill. She calls my name a few times, but I keep running.
23
How I got through yesterday without ringing Dan and giving him hell down the phone, I don’t know. Mr Merlot and Miss Gin helped big time though. My mouth still feels like a sandpit even now. Weak, is what I am. The past three months or so I’ve told myself I’ve turned a corner, moved on, become strong. But one setback has me retreating, dependent on a crutch. I drew the line at sleeping tablets, but for a fleeting moment they were an option even though taking them would have been disastrous on top of all the booze.
I look at the kitchen clock – Dan’s due back at two, only ten more minutes. It will take all my strength to keep calm, ask him exactly what happened and when, but I’m determined to do just that. When it happened is the key thing for me. If it was while we were together that will be it – over and done, bye-bye, Dan. If not, I’ll have to think very carefully. If he lies, I’ll have an idea. I don’t always, but he normally lets himself down in some way.
A knock at the door. I get up slowly and exhale. Come on, Sam. Time to show your strong side. I’m glad I haven’t cut him a key yet, even though he’s been nagging for weeks. I want to open the door – let him see my expression – be in control.
Dan’s standing there, pulling a daft face. ‘Why hello, pretty lady. Can I interest you in some double glazing?’
I turn and walk back down the corridor without a word.
‘Sam? Sam, love. What’s up?’
In the kitchen, I lean my back against the sink and fold my arms. ‘There’s something I need to ask you.’
He drops his overnight bag on the floor and slips off his grey suit jacket, a puzzled look on his face. ‘Sounds serious.’
‘It is. But let’s have a quiz. I met someone yesterday walking the cliff path out here. Said she’d put weight on over Christmas and needed a new fitness regime. Walking the cliffs is her preferred choice. Guess who.’
Dan scrubs his hair with his knuckles, loosens his tie and turns his mouth down at the corners. ‘No idea, love.’
He looks guilty already. There are damp patches under the arms of his light-blue shirt and he’s making a big show of scraping the chair out from the table to sit down.
‘Let’s make it a bit easier then. She slept with you a few months ago. A one-night stand.’ My voice wavers slightly on the last word, but the strength I wanted doesn’t fail me.
Dan puts his hand to his mouth and irritation turns to anger behind his eyes. Then he heaves a sigh and looks at the floor. ‘No point in denying it, you deserve the truth. What can I say – it was a moment of madness.’ He raises his hands and lets them fall with a slap on his thighs.
‘A moment of madness before, or after we got back together?’ I scrutinise his face.
‘God, absolutely before! Why would I look at her when I had you?’ His eyes are open, honest.
‘So when did it happen?’
‘It was when I’d come round here and you told me about the missing antidepressants. Later we kissed, got really close then you pushed me away at the last minute, said it couldn’t happen. Not ever, remember?’ I sigh and nod. ‘That evening I was leaving for Sheffield on business but needed to pop into town for a few bits. That’s when I ran into Alison in a car park. We chatted for a while and she gave me the come-on big time.’ Dan gives me a sorrowful look. ‘The rest as they say is history.’
‘What? You went to hers instead of Sheffield?’
‘Yes. I phoned and said I’d be there the next day instead.’ He rakes his fingers through his hair and draws his hand across his stubble. ‘I was frustrated, love, needed some comfort. Sex. That’s all it was. I had no feelings for her.’
I glare at him but inside I’m leaning towards forgiveness. I do believe him, his body language is open, honest. ‘You told her to keep her mouth shut.’ I sigh and sit down opposite. ‘A pity she didn’t – I’ve been going out of my mind here since yesterday afternoon.’
‘Yes, little bitch!’ Dan’s face darkens and his eyes become coal chips. ‘Why the fuck did she tell you? Must have been just to wound – cause trouble.’
I’m startled by his fury. ‘She was showing off. She had no idea we were getting married, obviously. Once I’d told her, she was frightened to death that you’d go bananas. I was furious of course – tempted to push her off the bloody cliff.’ I give a fake laugh.
‘Really? I’m not surprised. And she should be frightened to death I’d go bananas, little mare. I’m going round there now to have it out with her–’
‘Er, no, you aren’t.’
‘Why not? She’s deliberately upset you for no reason just because she’s spiteful and jealous.’ Dan stands up, slips his jacket on.
‘Dan, she didn’t know we are getting married. Now calm down.’
He steps towards me and opens his arms. ‘I’m so sorry, sweetheart. Has this changed anything?’
Has it? In a way. He’s supposed to be desperately in love with me, yet after I rejected him he promptly goes into town and shags someone else. But he was a free agent, and if it was just sex – a physical need… ‘I can’t pretend to
be happy about it, but we weren’t together at the time.’ I fill the kettle and put two cups out.
He looks like a man on death row that’s been pardoned. He takes his jacket off and comes over to me, slips his arms round my waist from behind as I make the tea. ‘I love you so much, Sam,’ he says into my hair. ‘I’d give anything to take that night back if I could.’
‘Okay, let’s just leave it. Tell me about your trip.’ I unhook his arms, I’m not ready to go back to normal straightaway.
We talk about his business, the weather and possible honeymoon venues. Then he goes to have a shower and I take my tea out onto the balcony. Some dark clouds are muscling in on the scene from the south, threatening to bury the blue horizon. It’s still bright enough for a January afternoon though, and I watch a few people take the path up from the beach that Alison was on yesterday and breathe a sigh of relief. Thank goodness Dan didn’t cheat on me. If he had, we’d have been over. A future without Dan is unthinkable, after even such a short time of being together. Hopefully that’s it now – no more dark clouds and nasty surprises to spoil our blue horizon.
It’s unseasonably warm for the beginning of February, and from the terrace in the garden there’s blue skies as far as the eye can see. I kick a bit of rubble from my garden chair and sit down at the table. Sunday brunch in my beautiful home, in my beautiful Cornwall with my beautiful man. How lucky I am. The rubble and dust have got on my nerves a bit this week, but you can’t build a swimming pool without a JCB and workmen. Dan showed me the drawings of what the whole area will look like in a few weeks. A large kidney-shaped pool, then a decked area with a hot tub under a covered structure which can be raised in good weather. It’s very glamorous and so different from the old one. It would have to be to keep the memories at bay.
Dan comes down the path carrying a tray, a look of concentration on his face. The cups rattle together, and he stops to balance them out. ‘Need a hand?’ I half stand ready to help.
‘No. All good.’ He arrives at the table, kicks two bits of rubble away, and places the tea and toast down. ‘Now for the brunch. Want brown sauce or ketchup?’ he tosses over his shoulder as he hurries back.
‘Brown sauce please!’ I sip my tea and smile to myself. This is what life’s all about isn’t it? The little things. We’ve decided to still live apart until the wedding, though he’s here more than at his cottage. Old fashioned, yes. But we like that.
He’s soon back with the food, and we eat in contented silence for a few minutes. ‘You actually made these hash browns from scratch then?’ I say through a mouthful of them.
‘No. I made them from potatoes. No idea what scratch is.’ Dan laughs, and a bit of bacon falls from his mouth onto the table.
‘Oh please stop. You’re making my sides split,’ I say, deadpan. But then can’t stop a giggle.
‘Shouldn’t give up the day job?’
‘No. It would be nice for you to work less though.’
‘After we’re married I’m going part time.’
I look at him to see if he’s joking. No sign of mischief in his eye. ‘Really?’
‘Yeah. I thought three days would be just right. Then I can pamper you, help at the retreat and be a regular perfect husband. No more trips up north either – Malcolm can handle stuff in Sheffield.’
‘But that’s wonderful!’ I plant an eggy kiss on his cheek and he makes a big show of wiping it off with a bit of kitchen roll.
‘It is, isn’t it? But then I am too.’ He smiles, and I prod him in the arm with my fork. We finish our brunch and push our plates to one side. ‘What do Helena and Jack think of the new date for the wedding?’
I look out at the ocean and sigh. I wish it was still going to be the end of March because there’s so much to do, but The Watergate had a cancellation, so we’ve moved it to the beginning. Shall I tell him the truth about the kids’ response, or the edited version? Edited. ‘Jack was his usual self. Said he might not be able to make it as he’s in the middle of his dissertation. Helena said whatever suits us. Not much else really.’
‘Hmm. Could have been worse, I suppose.’
It was. Jack said he and Felicity had decided not to come as it would end in a row. He was busy too though – he couldn’t afford the time off. Helena said she still couldn’t get her head round it but she, Adam and Carl would be there. I was her mother, so what else could she do? ‘Yes, it could. And I can’t wait for the pool to be built.’
‘You’ll have to for a little while. They think early April. It’ll be heated so we’ll be able to test it out even if it’s chilly.’
‘And the hot tub?’
‘Same time.’ Dan looks at me, a sympathetic smile on his face. ‘You’re not apprehensive about it, are you? You know, having another hot tub after last year.’
I shake my head. ‘It will be very different, so no. There’s no sense in dwelling on the past I’ve decided. This is our new start, and I’m really looking forward to it.’ And I realise it’s true. I rarely think about Penny now, which might sound callous, but it’s not, it’s self-preservation. ‘What’s the latest on the guest situation?’
‘Booked up from mid-April to the end of June.’ He drains his cup and sits back in his chair, obviously thrilled about it.
The thought of wall-to-wall guests for six weeks or so horrifies me though. Being with Dan feels like I’m caught in the midst of a tornado. My head’s already spinning because of the wedding being moved forward. It’s only four weeks away. Now this! I fold my arms and say, ‘What? We’ll barely have come back from the honeymoon and then I’ll be straight into organising tutorials. I was hoping to have a spell of working on my book. I’ve not had much chance with wedding preparations lately.’
He holds his hands up. ‘Hey, don’t worry. I’ll be here more, don’t forget, and tutorials aren’t obligatory. You can spend as much or as little time with them as you like.’
This is Dan all over. Why hasn’t he consulted with me before booking so many? I want to share my writing experience, but not full time. The idea of him doing more means taking control too. Before I know it, I’ll be redundant. This needs nipping in the bud. ‘The honeymoon will have to be put back. I’m not that bothered as you know.’ I fling my arms out to the sides. ‘I mean, look where we live. What more could we ask?’
He turns his mouth down at the corners. ‘But Hawaii is somewhere you’ve always wanted to go.’
‘One day, yes. But let’s postpone until we have everything just as we want it here. The pool, hot tub, the retreat running like clockwork. I find that prospect more appealing than three weeks away, honestly.’ I stroke his cheek, give him my best smile. Dan’s only fault is his controlling nature, I’ve found. The other problems Penny had with him won’t be mine – I know he won’t cheat on me because I’m the woman “who got away”. He has me now, so it’s just this desire to direct my life I need to sort.
Dan lifts a hand studies his nails. ‘If that’s what you want.’ He’s aloof, disgruntled.
‘It is, for now, darling.’
He turns to me and a sunny smile comes out from behind his cloudy expression. ‘Okay. How can I refuse? Whatever makes you happy makes me happy.’ Then he kisses me, and I do a little victory dance inside my head.
24
Slipping into my new jeans and jumper, and checking my reflection in the bedroom mirror, a thrill of excitement bubbles in my tummy, because today Helena and I are going to Fistral Beach Hotel for a spa and lunch. I realised last week I’ve no chance convincing Jack to come to the wedding, but I hope to make Helena a bit happier about it. Today we can relax, and I’ll try for a heart-to-heart. It’s been far too long since we had time just us on our own. Must be a good few years, even before little Adam was a twinkle in her eye.
I hold my swimsuit up, is it too tatty? No, it’ll do, but I must get a new one for the new pool.
As I’m leaving for Helena’s, trepidation surfaces about the day, and I squash it down. Everything will be cool. It�
��s all thanks to Carl. Helena wouldn’t have agreed if he’d not convinced her. My idea to phone him last week and get him on board had been inspired. He’s such a nice guy and so accepting of my relationship with Dan. My job is to get his wife to feel the same.
‘Definitely one of my better ideas, this,’ I say as Helena and I lay side by side on treatment beds having a pedicure.
‘Definitely, Mum. I can’t remember when I’ve felt so relaxed. I’d lay down my life for my boy, but it’s nice to have a break from him too!’
‘Absolutely.’ My stomach adds a growl and we both laugh. ‘Can’t wait for lunch after all the swimming and treadmill work you put me through.’
‘It’ll do you good. You spend far too much time on your bum behind the computer.’
‘Cheeky, monkey. I’m an author, don’t you know?’ I say in a snooty voice and we both laugh. This is what I’ve missed – some lovely mum and daughter time. Another thought elbows in though. How am I going to raise the subject of Dan? Will talking about him ruin a perfect morning?
The lunch is delightful, and a glass of Prosecco makes the whole thing a bit special. I’ve not broached my husband-to-be so far though. I decide to just drop Dan into a conversation about the merits of mixed salad leaves as opposed to iceberg lettuce. If it’s not done now, it never will be.
‘I’ve picked out a dress for the wedding, but I’d be grateful for a second opinion… you know, if you have time next week.’ It’d hurt when Helena had refused to come dress shopping with me. Said she had loads to do, but we both knew the real reason.
She dabs at her mouth and shifts her cool blue eyes from my gaze. A few moments pass, but Helena says nothing, just fiddles with her raven hair and takes a few sips of her drink. Eventually she looks at me, studies my face. ‘You know I’d love to, but if I’m honest, the whole thing’s really killing me – twists my gut.’ She jabs a finger at her belly for emphasis.
