Myth-ion Improbable

by Robert Asprin

"You can drop the act," he said. "Our leader knows exactly why you are here."

  Then the guy did something that just flat scared me to death. He pointed a finger at Aahz and a moment later the map came floating out of Aahz's belt pouch, unfolded in mid-air, and fluttered there. Then it refolded and returned to the pouch.

  "Now please come with us," he said.

  He turned his horse and started at a slow pace toward the city.

  I glanced at Aahz, who was looking almost stunned, then at Tanda.

  "Don't you think this might be a good time to head for home?" I asked.

  "I wish we could," Tanda said.

  Sweat dripped off her forehead as we all stepped back onto the road to follow the guy who had done the talking. The rest of his group of riders waited and fell in behind us.

  "Excuse me?" I said. "How about jumping us to the dust storm?"

  "Trust me," she said, "I tried."

  "You what?" I couldn't believe she couldn't get us out of this mess.

  "We're blocked?" Aahz asked.

  "Tighter than a vault," she said. "Best block I've ever run up against."

  "How about I try to fly us out of here?"

  "Won't work either," Tanda said. "At the moment there's a block over all our magik."

  "Oh," was all I could say.

  Ahead, just over the head of the horse in front of me, I could see the golden palace. It was the place, the treasure, we had been working and fighting so hard to reach. Right now it was the last place in any dimension I wanted to go.

  Chapter Eleven

  "Who are those guys?"

  B. Cassidy

  No one in the city seemed to pay us any attention at all as we were marched into Donner and right up the wide Main Street of the city toward the golden palace on the hill. I saw at least a dozen Audry's-like places along the road, and this town had three guys in white hats and shovels cleaning up after the hundreds of horses. As we passed, all three of them tipped their hats and said, "Howdy."

  What really made this town different from all the others we had gone through, besides the golden palace towering over it, were the pastures between the buildings. About halfway up to the palace, on the right side of the road, was a beautiful, green pasture about the size of one building.

  It had one lone cow in it, grazing on the perfectly tended grass.

  A little farther up the hill there were more small pastures between buildings on both sides of the street, each with just one cow. And the higher we went, the more beautiful the pastures became, with ornate decorations and well-trimmed grass.

  Just under the palace were five pastures on both sides of the main boulevard, and in each of those manicured and ornately decorated lawns was one cow, and off to one side a guy wearing a white hat and carrying a shovel. Waiting. Now I knew what all the other shovel-carrying guys working the streets of all the towns were trying to advance their way up to.

  The guys on horses dismounted at a massive gate made of stone pillars and gold bars. The palace itself was surrounded by a tall stone wall that looked too high to even try to climb. The stone was highly polished and there looked to be gold lining the top.

  The guy in charge pointed us at the gate, but didn't follow us in. Instead, five other men in white robes with gold trim met us just inside the gate and indicated we should follow. Each carried a golden shovel like a cane, using it to walk. It was clear that a person who worked outside the palace and didn't have a golden shovel couldn't get into the palace. Why were we so lucky?

  "Would you look at all the gold!" Aahz said, his head whipping back and forth as he tried to take it all in.

  "Amazing," Tananda said, her voice soft and carrying the awe she felt.

  I couldn't say anything. The sight that greeted us inside that gate was beyond anything I had ever imagined. There was nothing but beautiful-trimmed lawns, gold ornaments, strangely shaped shrubs, and guys in white robes and white hats with golden shovels. Maybe a dozen different cows grazed on the beautiful lawns, clearly without a care in the world, all tended by guys in white robes with golden shovels.

  Our robed jailers herded us up the stone staircase, climbing through manicured lawn after manicured lawn, all surrounded by gold statues of different animals and gold artwork. The walls of the castle itself towered over us, the white stone and shining gold walls higher than anything I had ever seen before.

  We were finally taken through a big double door and headed down flights of stone steps. From there I got completely lost as we went through tunnels, down steps, around corners, down more tunnels, down more steps, all the time going deeper and farther under the castle. I didn't much like the idea of being trapped down under such a massive building, but the idea that we were being held prisoner by cows controlling guys with golden shovels bothered me even more. Especially since they were vampire cows.

  Finally we were herded into a big room with stone walls and left, a golden-barred door slamming closed behind us. There were five others in the big room, all looking tattered and exhausted. Ten beds were spaced around the walls and all the previous prisoners were lying on the beds, sleeping.

  "Glenda," Aahz said.

  It took me a second to recognize the figure on the bed across the room. It was Glenda all right, but not the alive, beautiful, and powerful woman I had remembered from just a few days before. This woman wore tattered clothing, had dirt and deep circles under her eyes, and a huge red mark on her neck.

  All three of us moved over to her. As we did her eyes fluttered open and she saw Aahz, then Tanda and me.

  "Found the treasure, I see," she said, her voice barely a whisper.

  Then she was back asleep, her breathing heavy, and her mouth hanging open. The red marks on her neck pulsed with the beat of her heart.

  "I don't like the looks of this," I said.

  "Any chance we can get out of here?" Aahz asked, glancing around the room.

  I did the same. None of the other prisoners in the place looked to be in any better shape than Glenda. And all of them had the red marks on their necks and were sleeping heavily, almost dead.

  Tanda shook her head.

  "Not a chance at all. The energy is back flowing to us, but the dimension hopping is still blocked completely. I've been trying to D-hop ever since we were captured."

  "Well," Aahz said, "we're just going to have to find another way out, and grab a little gold along the way."

  "How about the D-Hopper?" I asked. "They didn't search us. Maybe it would work."

  Aahz pulled the D-Hopper out, made sure the setting was right, then triggered it.

  We stayed right where we were.

  "Worth a try," I said as he put it back in his shirt.

  "I think we need some answers," Aahz said.

  He sat down on the edge of Glenda's bunk and then not so gently shook her awake.

  "No! No!" she said as she woke.

  Her hands went to her neck and then flinched away. Again it took a moment for her to recognize us. She blinked, then said, "Go away," and closed her eyes again.

  "We need some answers," Aahz said.

  He grabbed her by the shoulders, twisted her around, and sat her upright on the bed, her back against the wall.

  "Easy there, big fella," Glenda said, her voice hoarse. "We're all in this together."

  "I'm not in anything with you," Aahz said.

  Looking at the wreck she had become, it was hard for me to even remember why I had been interested in her in the first place. Could I be that superficial that she had to remain beautiful for me to care? Or did I no longer find her attractive or have any interest in her because she had betrayed us? It was an interesting question I'd have to talk to Aahz about once we were safely back home.

  "Oh," Glenda said, "trust me. If you're here, in this cell, then we're all in this together."

  "How'd you end up here?" Aahz asked. "How'd you find the place without the map?"

  She laughed. "I went to Dodge City, didn't find anything, so I asked this guy runn
ing a bar where the golden cow was, and he told me here."

  I shook my head. How simple that would have been. Why hadn't we thought of it?

  "Then what happened?" Tanda asked.

  "Didn't even make it into town," she said. "Got picked up by a bunch of guys on horses yesterday and tossed in here. Then last night I got hauled out to be a snack at the big party upstairs."

  Her hand again went to her neck and she flinched. The red marks there didn't look like they were healing very well. And I didn't much like the sound of being a snack like those people lined up on the road had been.

  "It was like a bad dream," Glenda said, her eyes distant. "They kept forcing glass after glass of carrot juice down me while taking turns sucking on my neck. By morning I couldn't even walk. I don't remember how I got back down here."

  The thought of carrot juice ripped my stomach into a knot.

  "Who were they?" Tanda asked,

  Glenda shrugged. "Hundreds of beautiful naked people in this gold-covered ballroom way up in the castle somewhere."

  Aahz nodded. "Vampire cows."

  "What?" Glenda asked.

  "We saw a field of cows change into beautiful naked people last night," I said, "and snack on the townspeople who were waiting to be used."

  She looked at me, then at Aahz. "The kid's not kidding, is he?"

  Aahz shook his head.

  Glenda shook her head and then closed her eyes.

  "Drunk dry by bovine vampires. How ironic."

  She didn't say anything else, and Aahz didn't push her. She looked as if she had lost twenty pounds in one night. She had managed to outsmart us, find her way to the castle, and still get captured. If she couldn't get away, how were we going to do it before we became a full-moon snack?

  "We've got to get out of here before the sun goes down," Aahz said, standing and moving to the door.

  He gave it a couple hard hits, but it didn't move, and no one came because of the noise. Clearly none of the golden-shoveled guards were worried about a prisoner escape.

  "Even if we did get out," Tanda said, "it would take a map to find our way back through the castle."

  "Map," I said. "That's the key."

  Aahz turned and looked at me, giving me one of those I-don't-understand-how-you-can-be-so-stupid looks.

  I moved over to him and stuck out my hand.

  "Can I have the map, please?"

  "Why would you want it?" Aahz asked.

  I didn't want to tell him my idea without first seeing if I was right.

  "Just give it to him," Tanda said.

  Aahz shrugged and took out the map, handing it to me still folded.

  I opened it up, laying it flat on the nearest empty bunk so that we could all look at it. The map looked as I had expected. It had gained its magik back once we got inside the castle. It showed where we were, fifteen levels down and under a lot of rock and gold. It also showed the room where the golden cow was, far above us.

  And better yet, it showed us a path from where we were being held to what the map called a large ballroom. Clearly the map's designers had planned on continuing the game right to the very last room. It sort of made sense. Dimension to dimension until we found the right one, then town to town until we found the right one, now room to room until we found the right one. I didn't much like the game, but I understood the thinking.

  "Well, would you look at that?" Aahz said, stunned.

  Tanda studied the map, then looked at the wall near Glenda's bunk, then studied the map again.

  It didn't take me long to see what she was doing. The map showed a way out of this room that wasn't the main door. Maybe, just maybe, we had a chance. If we could escape the cell, then avoid hundreds of men with white robes and golden shovels, and then outrun the posse on horseback, we might be able to get far enough away from the castle to dimension-hop back to Vortex #6.

  It sounded impossible, but it was more than we'd had a moment ago.

  I folded up the map and put it in my pouch, then headed for the wall where Glenda was still sitting on a bunk. Her eyes were closed, and if her chest hadn't been moving I would have thought she was dead.

  "Wait," Tanda said as I started to get down on my knees to look for an opening in the wall under the bunk beside Glenda's, where the map indicated it would be. "We need to protect ourselves, not let anyone know what we're doing."

  "And how do you suggest we do that?" I asked.

  Aahz glanced around at the bunks and the blankets on them.

  "Skeeve, when Tanda gives the word, I want you to make the blankets on those three bunks look like the three of us."

  "Four of us," Glenda said, opening her eyes and looking clearly at Aahz. "If you've found a way to leave, I'm leaving with you."

  "Yeah," Aahz said, laughing, "like you took us with you on Vortex #6? I don't think so."

  "I don't go, I alert the guards," she said, staring at him. "And I've got enough power left to easily break an apprentice's disguise spell."

  For a moment I thought Aahz was going to strangle her, and I wanted to help. Then Tanda stepped between them, facing Aahz.

  "She's powerful and can help. Let her, or we might never get out of here."

  My mentor looked like he was about to explode. He hated doing anything he didn't want to do, and taking Glenda along was something he really didn't want to do. But Tanda was right; maybe Glenda could help.

  "All right," Aahz said, taking a deep breath and letting it slowly out.

  He stepped past Tanda and looked down at Glenda.

  "You work with us or we dump you faster than you dumped my apprentice in that bar. Understand?"

  She nodded, clearly very weak. "Let me help Tanda with the cover spell," she said. "I'm good at them."

  "I'm an ex-assassin," Tanda shot back. "I'm better."

  "I know you are," Glenda said. "I can just add some depth on the cover. And help support Skeeve's disguises. We're dealing with some good magicians here. Let's make sure they don't see us coming, or leaving as the case may be."

  For a moment Tanda stared at Glenda, then she nodded. "Follow my lead."

  "Completely," Glenda said. She took a deep, shuddering breath and braced herself against the wall, her eyes closed.

  I glanced around. The other three prisoners hadn't woken up. They looked to be in much worse shape than Glenda.

  Aahz turned to me. "Get ready. On Tanda's count, one at a time, disguise the four bunks."

  I took a deep breath and reached out for the energy it was going to take.

  Energy here wasn't a problem. It flowed all around us like a massive river, wider and stronger than I had ever experienced. I let it flow inside me, giving me strength.

  "Aahz first," Tanda said. "Now."

  On the farthest empty bunk I pictured Aahz lying there, sleeping, his mouth open.

  On the bunk Aahz appeared, just as I had pictured.

  I gathered more energy.

  "Glenda now," Tanda said.

  I imagined Glenda on the second bunk, sleeping in the same way we had seen her sleeping when we came in, red mark on her neck and all.

  Glenda appeared there.

  "Now me," Tanda said.

  I reached out and took the energy and put the image of Tanda sleeping in the next bunk.

  "Now you," Tanda said.

  I did the same, although I had never seen myself asleep, I had an image of what I must look like, and I used that.

  It was strange to see myself sleeping there. Really strange.

  "All shielded," Tanda said.

  Glenda nodded. "Very strong. It should hold. And good job, Skeeve."

  I just nodded. I didn't need compliments from a woman who left me to rot in a town full of cow food.

  "Okay, Skeeve," Tanda said, "see if you can find that opening."

  I got down on my stomach and crawled partway under the bunk next to where Glenda sat. It looked like a stone wall, just like all the rest of the room. But when I went to touch the wall, my hand went thro
ugh as if nothing was there.

  "A disguised opening," I said.

  I crawled under the bunk and right on through the wall, coming out on the other side. It was pitch black, so I tore a little piece off the bottom of my shirt and used a magik spell to light it. I was in a tunnel that had been cut out of stone. It was just tall enough for me to stand, and not much wider than my shoulders. It clearly hadn't been used in a long time, if ever. There was an unused torch stuck in a crack in the rocks, so I lit it, tossing to one side my burning piece of shirt.

  A moment later Aahz followed, coming through what looked to be solid stone near the floor of the tunnel. Then Glenda, breathing hard, pulled herself into the tunnel and sat with her back against the sidewall, followed almost instantly by Tanda.

  "This tunnel is shielded as well," Tanda said, looking around as she stood. "A shield so old, it might have been here before the castle."

  "I'm impressed," Glenda said, still sitting on the floor. "How'd you know this was here?"

  I pulled the map out of my pouch and held it up in the faint torchlight. She saw it and nodded. "Of course."

  I opened the map and Aahz, Tanda, and I stood under the torch studying it.

  It now showed the tunnel we were in as center, and the location of the golden cow had changed. Now it was in a dining room ten floors above us. I didn't believe it for a moment.

  The map showed that we had to follow the tunnel for as far as we could, then climb up a ladder and through the floor of what was called a morgue.

  "Seems we don't have much choice," Aahz said, staring at the map. He pointed to the fact that the map didn't show a way back into the room we had just left.

  I moved over and touched the wall we had just crawled through. It was solid rock. Weird.

  I moved back over to where they were standing under the light.

  "We're going to be chasing the cow until we find an exit," Aahz said.

  "We could always kill the magik in the map one more time," I said.

  "No," Tanda said. "We may end up in a room that we need the map to help us get out of."

  "She's right," Glenda said. "For all we know, the map may be the magik source that created this tunnel. From the looks of how that wall turned back to stone, it just might be."