SANCTUARY OF MINE

by PRATT, S.

  We’re both panting hard.

  ‘God that was good,’ he proclaims. He’s got that right. Tyler just made me come completely undone. He gets off me and goes to the bathroom to grab some toilet paper. When he returns he looks apologetic.

  ‘Sorry.’ He wipes the sticky mess of my stomach before kissing me full on the lips. I can taste myself on his mouth, surprised by the metallic, musky juices that linger on his tongue.

  ‘I’m just going to grab a two second shower, is that okay?’ he grins at me. I grin back.

  ‘Sure, go for it.’

  While Tyler is quickly washing, I drag my clothes back on, still shaking from the afterglow of my orgasm. The photos on his dresser table beckon me. Glancing in the direction of the bathroom, I can see Tyler with his eyes closed, soaping his body and humming to himself. Tentatively I step towards the pictures.

  There are some recent ones of Tyler with his mum and dad at a football match. There is one with his parents on a cruise ship in some exotic location. There are others with friends of his from school. The last one my eyes come to makes my heart stutter. It’s Tyler. He’s with a girl and his arms are wrapped around her lovingly. They’re both smiling happily. She looks a lot like me. That is if you count brownish hair and being rake thin as similar features. I’m startled out of my heart-thudding reverie when Tyler calls my name.

  ‘Mackenzie?’ Slowly I turn around. His hair is dripping with water and there is a towel around his waist. He looks sad – nothing at all like the turned on teenager I saw only minutes ago.

  ‘Yes,’ I gulp.

  ‘You okay?’ I’m definitely not okay. My throat is thick and I feel like I can’t breathe. There is something gnawing at me, but my brain hasn’t quite caught up with what I’ve just seen.

  ‘Who is she?’ My voice is but a murmur. His eyes fall on the picture frame I’m referring to.

  ‘That’s Kelly, she’s my sister.’ There is a part of me that is flooded with relief at this information; there is another problem that deeply disturbs me.

  ‘You said you didn’t have any brothers or sisters.’

  ‘I didn’t lie. She died.’ The sigh that leaves his lips says it all. He’s obviously still devastated by her death.

  ‘I’m sorry.’ He nods, but is still eyeing me warily.

  Something clicks.

  You look like you need saving.

  ‘Can I ask … how did she … die?’ The pained expression on his face says more than it should.

  ‘She was anorexic. She died of heart failure.’ The sudden weight of his words hit me. I drop to the floor. Oh no, please no. Please don’t let me be his pet project. Please!

  ‘How could y…you?’ I stutter.

  ‘It’s not what you think!’

  ‘How would you even know what I think?’ I rage as I get back up to my feet. There’s a storm inside my chest and Tyler’s about to get caught in the eye of it.

  ‘Mackenzie … I know what it looks like.’

  ‘No, don’t. Don’t even try. I know exactly what this is. You feel sorry for the poor skinny girl who looks just like your sister. You lied to me. You don’t like me. Hell, the whole school thinks I’m a joke. What a fool I’ve been, to think that you’d actually want to be with me – just for me.’

  ‘I promise it’s not like that,’ he pleads, grabbing on to my arms, forcing me to look at him.

  ‘Like hell it is! I’m not your fucking pet project, Tyler. You know nothing about me, or what I need. You have no idea what my life is like, or what I’ve been through. You think I’m yours to save? Well I’m not!’ My voice may have started out slightly raised but it quickly turns into a battle cry.

  Tyler looks anguished, but I don’t care. My own hurt and disappointment far out-weighs his own need for emotional comfort. I’m done. I am so done. I turn, ready to leave him behind, embarrassed that I let him get as close to me as he did. He reaches for my arm, grasping my fingers in his before I’m completely out of his reach.

  ‘Please don’t go, I …’ I turn to face him. All my rage is pouring off me and he recoils from the venom I seemingly spit from my mouth.

  ‘If you’ll excuse me, Tyler, I think I just threw up a little in my mouth. And I mean that literally, just in-case you were wondering.’ Yanking my arm free, I run for the front door. I need to get out of here. I’m about to totally lose control and it’s not going to be pretty. Out of my peripheral vision I see Tyler reaching for his pants. His actions only make me move double time.

  Not caring to say goodbye to his parents, I yank the front door open and tear off on foot down the street. The street lights that trail down the street are calling me, leading the way to a safe haven away from the disaster I have left behind. I run, not really caring to look behind me and see if Tyler is following. I’m almost to the bottom of the street when the heatwave overtakes me. I stop suddenly and turn to the nearest bush. My dinner comes up from my stomach with a vengeance. So much for progress. I heave heavily, purging all my anguish, hurt and disappointment over the roses that won’t smell nearly so sweet tomorrow.

  ‘Mackenzie!’ Tyler reaches me just as I’m righting myself. His strong arms wrap around me, trying to comfort me and take all my pain away. As much as I want to succumb to his charms, I’m not going to be so naïve. It’s time I realised I can’t count on anybody but myself. With every little ounce of strength I have left, I push him off me.

  ‘I don’t want or need you, Tyler. Just leave me alone.’ He looks crushed, but allows me to break free. Not even giving him a second glance, I turn and head towards the main road to grab a taxi.

  The minute I round the corner I come apart. Big, fat, unshed tears leak over the edge of my eyes and run streaming down my face. This hurts, it hurts real bad. I’m so close to vomiting again it’s not even funny. Right now, there is only one person who I can talk to, who knows just what to say to make me feel better. I’m shaking like a leaf as I fish my mobile phone out of my purse. I dial the number from memory and pray to God that it’s answered. On the fifth ring I almost give up, but the line opens and I hear the rich voice that soothes me so.

  ‘Chris Deeks, speaking.’ The line is a little static, but he’s there.

  ‘Hello? Daddy?’

  Chapter Twenty

  Mackenzie

  Of course I was dreading going back to school. The thought of facing him sent little ripples of terror through me. I wanted to run and avoid dealing with it like I always did. Instead, I wrapped a thick layer of ice around me and became untouchable. Even Levi was having trouble breaking through to me. At lunch time I could barely manage my usual meal of apple slices and milk. I wanted none of it. It’s not like Tyler didn’t try – to talk to me I mean, but every time he did I just stared through him and kept on walking. Ignoring his existence was the only way I was going to cope.

  Two weeks later he cornered me by my locker.

  ‘Mackenzie, I really need to talk to you.’ Fronting him with my best glare, I let all guns blaze.

  ‘The only thing you need, Tyler, is to make yourself feel better. I told you, I have nothing at all to say to you.’ Slamming my locker shut, I leave the only person behind who has ever made me feel completely and utterly alive.

  At home that night while I’m lying on my bed, the loneliness engulfs me. It creeps up my toes and works its way into my veins, running around my body until it takes over my entire being like the Grim Reaper would a flawed soul. There are no tears, but agony needs a release. I can’t hold it in. There’s no food in my stomach, but I’m conditioned to acting upon the need for solace. Dragging myself off the bed, I head towards the toilet. Bending forwards, I take two fingers and stick them down my throat until I start gagging. I’m right. There is no food to come up, instead, bile spews forth into the porcelain bowl. It’s fluorescent yellow and burns the back of my throat. My eyes sting from the effort, tears affronting me.

  For some reason, there is no relief. This only makes me more upset. I flush the toilet and blo
w my nose, ready to go back to my room and resume my pity party. When I open the bathroom door, my mother is standing there with her arms crossed and a devastated look on her face.

  ‘Don’t start, mum,’ I say, rudely pushing past her.

  ‘Don’t you dare young lady! What’s going on with you that you still feel the need to do this to yourself?’

  ‘Nothing,’ I snap.

  ‘I thought we were making progress.’

  ‘That’s just it, isn’t it? You thought we were making progress.’ I know my words are harsh, but like any addict, I just can’t help myself. She looks crushed, her hand flying to her mouth as it makes an ‘O’ shape.

  ‘Don’t you see what you’re doing to yourself?’

  ‘Gee, mum, why don’t you fucking tell me? Because I’m pretty sure you started all this!’ It’s a venomous thing to say, but I’m on a roll.

  ‘Honey, I love you, so, so much. I never meant to hurt you. I made a mistake, one I will always regret. Please, Mackenzie, you have to at least try to let me make it better.’

  ‘Just leave me alone.’

  ‘Don’t you see that you’re going to kill yourself if you keep this up? Is that what you want? To die?’

  ‘Maybe I do,’ I whisper, before I leave my mother behind me on the landing. She’s still sobbing and hiccupping as I slam the door to my bedroom.

  Regret is a funny thing. I instantly regret what I said to my mum, but teenage pride refuses to let me go and apologise. I know I need to get a grip and start making some changes in my life. Shit, she has a valid point. If I keep this up I could definitely end up like Tyler’s sister. Despite everything, I really couldn’t hurt my parents in that way. I dry my eyes as the telephone in my room starts ringing. There is no way I’m answering it, but within minutes there is a knock on my bedroom door. Jim sticks his head around and looks none too pleased with me.

  ‘Your friend, Levi, is on the phone.’

  ‘Okay.’

  ‘Mackenzie?’

  ‘Yeah?’ I say, avoiding his stern gaze.

  ‘Don’t ever talk to your mother like that again, okay.’ I say nothing, but then again, I don’t think he expects me to. He just wants to let me know he cares that I have hurt her.

  ‘Hello?’

  ‘Is something going on over there? You all sound miserable.’

  ‘Just parents. What’s up?’

  ‘I have something for you.’

  ‘What?’

  ‘It’s a letter from Tyler. He gave it to me today after gym class. He made me promise I would give it to you as soon as possible. You want me to come over?’

  I look at the clock next to my bed. It’s already after eight.

  ‘No. I don’t care what it says. I don’t want it,’ I say stubbornly.

  ‘I think you do.’

  ‘No, I really don’t.’

  ‘He said it was important.’

  ‘I don’t care.’

  ‘Look, Mackenzie, I know you’re hurt but, to be honest, I think his intentions were honourable.’

  ‘I said I don’t care. Throw it in the bin. I’ll talk to you later,’ and I hang up the phone before Levi can get another word in.

  After spending all weekend holed up in my room, by Sunday afternoon I’m more than a little curious as to what Tyler had to say in his letter. My resolve is caving and I’m just about to call Levi when I hear his car pull up out front. I’d know Levi’s car anywhere, the engine has a little hiss and a fart every time it idles too long. He shuts it down, but I don’t move from my nest of misery. My mum must have let him in the house because seconds later I can hear his heavy footsteps on the stairs. I prepare myself for him to come barrelling through my bedroom door, but he never does. Instead, an envelope is slipped under my door before his footsteps retreat. Moments later his car starts up and leaves.

  Little traitor. How can I not look at the letter when it is taunting me from the doorway?

  My curiosity outweighs my anger right now, so I hop off my bed and snatch it up. Nervously, I open it carefully. Inside is a one page letter written in very neat cursive writing.

  Dear Mack

  I’m so sorry. You have to forgive me. I never meant to lie to you, or have you believe that you were ever anything more to me than a girl I fell in love with. Of course I want to protect you, don’t all boyfriends want to protect their girls? I know we weren’t really official, but I wanted you. I wanted to be your everything and you be mine. Not for one second did I intend for you to be my pet project. I just cared enough to want to help you if I could. That doesn’t mean I wasn’t interested in you. You made me feel stuff I’ve never felt before, and never want to feel again if it is not with you.

  My only regret in all of this is that it’s now too late. I hope you accept my apology and can find it in your heart to forgive me. Unfortunately it can’t be in person, because something has happened that is going to take me away from you.

  I tried to tell you this last week … my dad has received a job offer in Papua New Guinea – we leave Sunday. Our house will remain empty while we’re gone – just a family member popping in from time to time to maintain the grounds.

  It tears at my heart that I’m leaving you. Who knows how long I will be gone, but I promise that I will write to you soon. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me, because one day I want to be in your life again.

  I wish you every bit of the happiness that you deserve and all the love your heart can bear. I know it’s selfish, but I hope you save a space for me in your heart. I want you to heal so that you can lead a full and happy life … who knows, maybe we’ll cross paths in the future.

  One thing you can always be sure of, Mack, is that you will always floor me – just like a Mack truck.

  Our taxi leaves at five pm on Sunday, just in case you find it in your heart to forgive me before then.

  We’re not broken just bent. And we can learn to love again (– Pink).

  Yours

  Tyler

  By the time my eyes skim the last of his words my eyes are leaking big, fat, ugly girl tears and I’m sniffing uncontrollably. Glancing at the clock, there isn’t much time. I hurriedly dial Levi’s number. He answers after one ring.

  ‘I need a lift,’ I sob.

  ‘I was wondering when you’d come around. I’m just around the corner. Meet me out front.’ I hear his tyres squeal in the background before I hang up. Snatching the letter and putting it in my pocket, I make a mad dash down the stairs.

  My mum and Jim are astonished to see me suddenly flying through the house, confusion written all over their faces.

  ‘Where are you off to, Mackenzie?’

  ‘There’s no time, mum, I’ll explain when I get back.’ Rushing like a whirlwind, I plunge my feet into a pair of thongs and fly out the front door just as Levi swings onto the driveway. He understands my urgency and already has the car in reverse as I slide in the passenger seat.

  ‘Address?’

  ‘He’s on Cambridge Street over in Clovelly.’

  ‘Time?’

  ‘4.52.’

  ‘Fuck, we’re going to be pushing it you know.’

  ‘Jesus, Levi. No point stating the obvious now.’

  ‘Just sayin’. If your stubborn arse had just read the note on Friday then I wouldn’t have to drive like a maniac to make an impossible deadline!’

  ‘I get it, okay. And thank you – really, I do appreciate you helping me out.’ I pat his arm for good measure, even though I am not a touchy feely person. Except for where Tyler’s been concerned.

  We drop into pensive silence. I know I’ve been a dick. But I thought I’d have more time – more time to think and more time to apologise. It’s clear from his letter that he had not intended to hurt me, that he had been genuine. Why was I so blind to see it? Why was I so full of rage? Here I was trying to push my eating disorder under the rug and he’d already lost somebody he loved to the disease. My ability to be cruel seemed to know no bounds.

&nb
sp; I’ve got to hand it to Levi, he knows how to drive. I’m lucky he’s older than me and already has his license or it would have been pretty awkward trying to convince my mum to drive me over to a boy’s house post haste. Plus I would have had to admit the embarrassing truth as to why I was so desperate to get over there, which is so not going to happen. We speed through the streets, dodging in and out of cars where we can. I curse each time we hit a red light which makes Levi grip the steering wheel even tighter. He’s in the zone. I dictate curt directions from time to time, but otherwise keep my mouth shut as I don’t want to distract him.

  As we pull on to Campbell Street I hold my breath. The clock in the car says 5.02 and I know it’s going to come down to the wire.

  ‘Last house on the left at the top of the street,’ I say anxiously. Levi guns it and pulls his little Mazda alongside the curb. I don’t wait to see if he’s following as I bolt for the front door. Not only do I ring the doorbell incessantly, I also start pounding on the door, pleading against all odds that they haven’t left for the airport just yet. Levi starts to glance in through all the glass doors on the lower level, shielding his eyes so he can see if he can spy any movement on the inside.

  ‘There’s nobody in there babe. It looks like they’ve covered all the furniture with cotton drop-sheets too.’ My shoulders sag. I leave my spot at the front door to go and confirm what he’s saying is true. He’s right. Gone is the imagery from when I came to dinner. All personal items have been packed away and the large furniture that remains has been covered to protect it from dust mites. Disappointment doesn’t even cover it. I’m devastated. What the fuck have I done?

  We’re startled by an old lady yelling at us from next door. She’s watering her garden at dusk because water restrictions only allow the privilege after five pm. She’s got the hose in one hand and the other is shaking a bony finger at us as though we’re doing something wrong. Levi decides to placate her.