SANCTUARY OF MINE

by PRATT, S.

  Mum and I are going to go scouring the universities this week. I’m trying to determine which ones I will apply for next year. More than likely I will just be going to The University of Sydney. Levi’s going there too. He’s doing an Arts Degree while I’m going to be doing my Law degree. I’ve already got a part-time job lined up at Howard and Associates Paralegal Firm in Maroubra. Jim is friends from way back with one of the Partners there and managed to hook me up. It will only be one or two days a week once I finish off the school year, but it will give me a bit of income while getting some on-the-job experience.

  I’m just off to a therapy session, so I will write you again soon.

  Yours

  Mackenzie (Chick with ten fingers and ten toes crossed).

  ****

  Dear Mackenzie

  16th July 2013

  I’m coming home baby! Yeah! The fact I was considered for a spot on the team through an external draft session just blows my mind. I’m one lucky SOB. Six months and I’m heading home – back to the house in Campbell Street. I hope you’re going to be my first visitor … Fuck, what am I going to do for the next six months? I’m gonna go crazy just thinking about you. Time is suddenly going to slow down, teasing and torturing every last second out of me.

  I’m so happy you are pursuing your dreams to study Law as well. Seems like we’re both meant to be in Sydney … together? Okay, this is me, officially asking you to be my girl for the first time … Mackenzie, will you go out with me? (I know I can’t actually take you ‘out’ until I return, but you know what I mean).

  I got your picture. Let me just say … I’m blown away! You look even more gorgeous than I remember. Kudos to Levi too – the sunlight in your hair makes you look like an angel. Is Heaven missing one? Too cheesy? I don’t care. You look totally hot. Not to be a total guy when I say this, but your tits are totally rocking that red polka-dot bikini you were wearing. The only thing that would look better would be if I were to take it off … Ah shit, I’m just torturing myself here.

  Crudely Yours

  Tyler (Panting like a dog).

  ****

  Dear Mr Crude

  27th July 2013

  I will overlook said crudeness because I am so damn excited you are coming home. I went out and bought a calendar today and have marked the day. Suddenly nothing else seems important. The day to day stuff just seems like fillers until you return.

  Officially, I’m your girl. I even wrote it on my pencil case, just like I always wanted to. Immature? I don’t fucking care. You’re the one who is giving me so many firsts that I’m not going to downplay the fact I’m crazy happy that you asked me.

  Until I hear from you,

  Love

  Mackenzie (Crazy in something with you too).

  P.S. Levi says it’s about time you made an honest woman of me xxx

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  Four months later

  Dear Tyler

  11th November 2013

  Eeek! I’m so nervous and wish you were here. Not that I’m complaining about Levi taking me to the formal, but I certainly won’t be kissing him at the end of the night. Well, definitely not like I would you. I kind of think these dances are totally pointless, but neither my parents or Levi are letting me off the hook. My mum and I went shopping and picked out a dress. Yes, I do look like a total girl, and I even bought the high heels to top it all off. I may wobble, I may fall, but I’m going to suck it up and dance my arse off. I will send you a picture once they are developed.

  Love

  Mack (Teetering, tottering, high-heeled hell cat).

  ****

  Dear Mack

  20th November 2013

  You’re killing me here! Missing your formal is torturing me, despite the fact I know you’re going with Levi and not some random guy. Is it wrong to be a little gleeful about that? I hope you had a good night …

  The team sent over some footy jerseys – mum took this picture of me so I could send it to you. What do you think? I look pretty official now, don’t I?

  My flight is booked for the 21st January 2014. Fancy meeting me at the airport?

  Yours

  Tyler (Anxious, nervous, elated!).

  ****

  Dear Tyler

  30th November 2013

  Oh. My. God. I can’t believe the size of you! You look at least 22 years old in your jersey – a lot bigger than I remember you being in high school. You better refrain from hugging me when I pick you up – you might crush me! You cut your hair too. A crew-cut suits you! Makes your dimples look twice as big.

  We graduate in one more week! It kind of seems surreal after all this time. I’ll be starting my part-time job just after Christmas, so I only really have a couple of weeks of freedom left. And guess what? I got into Law school! My parents are absolutely thrilled about bragging rights over that one. My Law degree starts at university in February, so Levi and I are looking for a unit together. We might be lucky enough to rent a place above a takeaway joint down near the beach. A friend of his father’s owns it. I hear it’s a little run down, but for the price I don’t think we’ll be complaining, being prime real estate and all. Levi is going to be doing a Bachelor of Arts at the same uni and working part-time for an art gallery down in La Perouse. Some fancy place that sells millions of dollars’ worth of artwork every year to the rich and famous. They recognise he’s got talent and want him on board. I’m so happy for him.

  Make sure you send through your flight details so I know what airline you’re flying and what time you arrive. Can’t wait to see you!

  I suppose you’ll be having a quiet Christmas with your parents again this year? We’re all having Christmas dinner at my mum’s house – even dad will be there. They both have come a long way with each other since mum started therapy with me. They can actually stand to be in the same room without tearing each other’s hair out. It’s all very civil, but I think they recognise it needs to be that way if we’re all going to get along. My dad has a girlfriend. She’ll be there too. I’m not sure how I feel about that. I mean, I want him to be happy, but a part of me is a little jealous. Does that make me a bad person? She’s a lot younger than him – only 31! She’s nice, and very pretty, but I worry that it’s serious. If it is, she may want kids with him. It makes me sad that another child may get to spend time with him growing up, when that is all I ever wanted myself. I don’t want to be a spoilt, selfish brat, but I can’t help feeling this way. It makes me distance myself from her a little, as though I won’t let her get close enough in case I resent her later. Does that make sense?

  My formal photo is enclosed, I hope you like it.

  Love

  Mackenzie (Undecided).

  ****

  Dear Mackenzie

  9th December 2013

  What you’re feeling in totally normal. My dad’s brother was remarried about five years ago and I remember my cousin talking to me about it at the time. She didn’t want any step-brothers or sisters from the new marriage either. It’s not something you can avoid if it gets to that stage, but you can learn to accept it. I think you love your dad enough to move on from the way you’re feeling because, in the end, I know his happiness means more to you than your own insecurities. Don’t worry, though, you know he’s not going to shut you out of his life just because he has a new girlfriend – even if it is serious. He loves you, you know he does.

  Your formal picture – smokin’ hot! I know you’re a shorty but, damn girl, that split in your dress makes your legs look so long. Seriously, I started fantasising about them being wrapped around my waist … You’re right, I am bigger and taller. I’ve been bulking up and gaining muscle. Being a forward for the team means I’m going to need to increase my size if I want to measure up to all the other meat heads on the field. I’ve been really strict with my diet and eating a lot of protein. We start training around the same time you start uni, which should be intense. Nothing at all like the fly-weights I’ve been training with here. I’ve
seen the line-up for the team next year and I have to admit I’m a little freaked out. These guys are huge.

  Christmas will be quiet. Mum especially is having a hard time accepting that her boy is now a man and leaving ‘home’ for the first time. I get the feeling she may eventually force my dad’s hand to give up his job just so they can come home to be near me. I love them to death, but I’m looking forward to a little independence – and privacy!

  My flight arrives at ten-thirty in the morning. I’m flying Qantas. I’ll be seeing your sexy arse soon xxx

  Love

  Tyler (Eager).

  ****

  Dear Tyler

  25th December 2013

  Thank you so much for my Christmas present! It’s too much, but I love it. Wherever did you find the truck pendant? The gold necklace it hangs from is really pretty too. I’m going to wear it always.

  The day has started off great. Mum and I are about to start cooking the roast dinner so it will be ready by midday when all our guests arrive. Levi, his boyfriend, and his dad are joining us too. I hope your day is just as good.

  Levi and I managed to get the unit in Maroubra. We are heading over there after Boxing Day so we can tidy it up before we move in just after New Year’s Eve. It is so close to the law firm that I will be working at that I’ll be able to walk there.

  I’m counting the days until your plane lands on Aussie soil.

  Love

  Mackenzie (Yours).

  ****

  Dear Mackenzie

  11th January 2014

  I’m glad you liked your present. I managed to tag along with dad one day to his office and used his computer to search online for it. I loved the red cab of the Mack Truck and knew it was perfect. I bought the necklace from the markets here in Papua New Guinea.

  Your present to me was perfect also. How did you manage to secure a signed photograph of the first ever team of Souths’ players? That must be worth a fortune! Sheesh, your contacts must be better than mine. Having that photo, I feel like I’m a part of history. It’s all I’ve ever wanted to do since I was a little kid. Just play football and represent my home team. This year feels like all my dreams are coming true. From the bottom of my heart – thank you.

  Ten days until I’m back on home soil. I can’t wait to see you, taste you, breathe you in. I probably won’t get any more mail before I get back, but know that I am thinking of you. See you at the airport. I’ll be the tall, handsome guy in the arrivals lounge.

  Until I lay eyes on you,

  Tyler

  PART THREE

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  Mackenzie

  The sun beating through the flimsy cloth curtains makes me wake from my slumber long before I’m ready. Summer heat is hitting our apartment full on, sweat clinging to my body before the clock has even struck six in the morning. I untangle myself from my sheets, gaining a little relief from the oppressive heat when a gentle breeze touches my skin. Levi is fast asleep. I can hear him snoring through the paper-thin walls. I’m half tempted to wake him up, just so that I can have out with all the second guessing turmoil that is going through my head. I decide on a cold shower instead.

  I strip off my bed clothes and only turn on the cold water in the shower. The bath tub that the shower head hangs over is rust-stained and uninviting, but I step in anyway and let the burst of cold water wash over me. I squeal just a little, the temperature a vast difference to that of my skin. Over the scent of my shampoo I can smell the bacon and egg rolls the takeaway shop below sells. My stomach churns, insisting that I should eat something too. Tyler is coming home today, but I’m suddenly in knots, nervous about the unknown.

  Taking the time to condition my hair allows my body to cool down. By the time I step out of the water I feel a little less irritated and a bit more like myself. There’s a knock on the bathroom door just as I’m wrapping a towel around my head.

  ‘Yeah?’

  ‘I’ve made you breakfast, hurry your arse up before it gets cold.’ Levi has a bad habit of wanting to feed me. Despite our pact to keep each other on the straight and narrow with our eating disorders, his enthusiasm for the cause can sometimes piss me off.

  He looks up from the omelette he’s dishing up as I walk into the open-plan kitchen and living area. The place is tiny, noisy and dirty, but we wouldn’t change it at all. We are one street away from the beach and the rent is modest for the area. We don’t even have a laundry. Instead we take it home once a week to our parents places. It gives us a chance to catch up with them while we make use of their appliances and their electricity.

  ‘So, are you ready?’ he asks as he slides a plate of food on the table for me.

  ‘Ready for what?’ Levi raises his eyebrows at me as he sits across from me, as though he can’t believe I am seriously going to pretend I don’t know what he’s talking about.

  ‘To be a WAG of course.’ He’s smug to say the least. I think he’s been dying to use that term since he found out that Tyler and I were officially dating and that he was going to be a home grown sports star. The media references most athletes ‘wives and girlfriends’ as WAGs for short. Personally I hate the term.

  ‘There is no way I’m going to be called a WAG, Levi.’

  ‘And why not?’ He spoons a mouthful of omelette into his mouth, the smug grin still in place.

  ‘Because I’m not about to start hanging out with a group of women who, for the most part, hang on to every word their guy says just because he’s in the limelight.’

  ‘Fair enough. But you know they’re still going to call you that, right?’

  ‘Whatever – I’m not buying into that club.’

  ‘And yet, something is bothering you.’ I put my fork down, contemplating for a split second. Oh who am I kidding? I tell Levi everything anyway.

  ‘I’m just …’

  ‘Scared?’

  ‘Yes,’ I let go of the breath I was holding.

  ‘You know he likes you – a lot. He wouldn’t have written to you all this time if he wasn’t committed to being with just you when he gets back, you know.’

  ‘I know that. I guess I just don’t want things to change just because he is back and suddenly thrust under the spotlight.’

  ‘You really think he’s that shallow?’

  ‘Of course not! It’s just … I’m young – younger than he is, and there are a lot of groupies and hangers-on that might make it hard for him to say no. You saw his photo and how incredibly stinking hot and manly he’s become. I’m talking about pushy women who might want a piece of him. He’s human after all. What happens if he can’t say no?’ Levi places another forkful of food into his mouth to allow himself a moment to contemplate what I just said.

  ‘So, in essence, you’re worried about a little competition?’

  ‘No! Yes, well maybe just a little.’

  ‘To be honest, Mackenzie, I don’t think anything that happens to him professionally is going to change how he feels about you. I think it’s how you handle these changes that will affect your relationship with him.’

  ‘So you’re saying?’

  ‘If you get jealous you’re going to drive him away.’

  ‘Shit! Don’t sugar coat it, will you?’

  ‘I’m just being honest, which is why you love me so much. Believe me, I’ve read all those relationship articles they put out there in magazines and there is nothing more of a relationship kill-joy than a jealous girlfriend who can’t handle her shit. And just for the record, that is even more true for gay guys, so I’m not just singling out you heterosexual females. You need to make Tyler feel secure and confident. He doesn’t want to watch his back every five seconds wondering if he’s saying the wrong thing or talking to the wrong person. You give him the freedom to just be himself and you all will come up trumps.’

  ‘So, I should trust him? Is that what you’re saying?’

  ‘Bingo.’ He winks at me, a devilish smile playing on his lips.

  ‘But …’


  ‘No buts. You just be the confident and sassy Mackenzie I know and love and you’ll be just fine. Don’t be afraid to give yourself freely to him, because if you hold anything back you might just regret it later.’

  ‘Thanks Dr Phil.’

  ‘You’re welcome. You need a lift to the airport, or do you just want to take my car?’

  ‘You’d seriously let me drive your new car?’ Levi’s dad bought him a brand new Holden Volt for Christmas.

  ‘Sure, what are friends for?’ I jump up from my breakfast and wrap my arms around his neck.

  ‘You’re the best, you know that?’

  ‘I know. Just don’t put any dings in it.’

  ‘You got it. Now come and help me pick out an outfit to wear to the airport so I look cute.’

  A couple of hours later I’m sitting in the air-conditioned comfort of Levi’s car heading towards the airport. I decided to come alone. Despite the fact that it would have been nice to have my ‘security blanket’ with me, I certainly did not want Levi ogling me pashing Tyler the first chance I get. It’s a busy time of day for commuters in the parking lot but I manage to grab a park close enough to the Qantas arrivals lounge. His flight hasn’t landed yet, so I make a quick trip to the bathroom before buying some breath mints from the newsagent.