Zelazny, Roger - (With Robert Sheckley) Bring Me the Head of Prince Charming (v1.0)

by Bring Me the Head of Prince Charming [lit]

  He was lying inside a pentagram. You can't get any more conjured than that.

  This was not the first time he had been conjured, of course. Every demon who wishes to lead an active life among mankind must become accustomed to being conjured many times, since mankind plays tricks on demons just as demons do on people. There never has been a time when men and women did not conjure up demons. There are many folktales to that effect, telling of the triumphs and failures of the humans who have trod such a path. What is not told is how often sensible ar­rangements are arrived at, since even souls are commodities that can be purchased fairly. It is an ancient arrangement: the demon furnishing various kinds of work in return for a soul. Kings are good favor granters and many of them have had demon servants. But it is not a one-sided situation. Many de­mons have had kings as servants.

  "See, Father, I told you he'd come!"

  That was the voice of Brigitte. A triumphant voice. And there she was standing in front and above him, a dirty-faced little girl who had used the promise she had wrung from him to call him up now.

  "Looks like you did, all right," a man's heavy voice said. It was her father, Thomas Scrivener. The fellow seemed to have regained his senses. But, of course, he lacked his memory of the Pit and of his meeting with Azzie. Azzie was thankful for that. Once humans got too much knowledge, they became dan­gerous.

  "Oh, it's you," Azzie said, remembering the little girl who had caught him with a spirit-catcher back when he was shep­herding her father. "What do you want?"

  "My promise!" Brigitte said.

  Yes, it was true; Azzie owed her a promise. He would have dearly loved to forget it. But the world of magic registers promises between humans and supernatural creatures as facts of physical import. It was impossible for Azzie not to deal with this.

  "Well," Azzie said, "open one of the sides of the pentagram and let me come out and we'll discuss it."

  Brigitte leaned forward to rub out a line, but her father seized her and pulled her back. "Don't let him out! You'll lose all power over him!"

  Azzie shrugged. It had been worth a try. "Master Scriv­ener," he said, "tell your little girl to be reasonable. We can clear this up quickly and I can be on my way."

  "Don't listen to him!" Scrivener said to his daughter. "De­mons are rich. You can ask for anything you want! Anything at all!"

  "I'd better explain about that," Azzie said. "That is the popular superstition, but I can assure you it is not true. Demons can only fulfill wishes within their individual powers. Only a very high demon, for example, could grant you great wealth. I, however, am a poor demon working on a government grant."

  "I'd like a new doll," Brigitte said to her father. Azzie tensed and leaned forward. It didn't quite constitute a wish, since it hadn't been directed to him. But if she would say it again . . .

  "A doll, Brigitte?" he asked. "I can get you the most won­derful doll in the world. You've heard of the Queen of the North, haven't you? She has a special little toy house with tiny figures that do the work, and pet mice that run in and out, and other things besides, I don't quite remember what. Shall I fetch it for you?"

  "Wait!" Scrivener shouted, still drawing Brigitte back. "He's trying to cheat us, daughter. This demon has wonders at his fingertips. He can make you rich, can make you a princess-"

  "No, nothing like that," Azzie said.

  "Ask for something big!" Scrivener said. "Or better yet, give your wish to me, and I'll wish for enough to make us both rich, and then I'll get you all the dollhouses you could ever dream of."

  "Will I still have to clean up after meals?" Brigitte asked.

  "No, we'll hire a servant," Scrivener said.

  "And will I have to milk the cows and feed the chickens and the rest of the household chores?"

  "Of course not!" Scrivener said.

  "Don't trust him, Brigitte!" Azzie warned. "I'll tell you what would be better. Just ask me to bring you something nice and I'll surprise you. What about that, eh?"

  "Don't listen to him," Scrivener said. "You must wish for a large estate at the very least."

  "Don't listen to him," Azzie said. "He always bullies you, doesn't he? But I remember when he was mighty glad to have my help."

  "What are you talking about?" Scrivener asked. "I never saw you before."

  "That's what you think," Azzie said. "Brigitte, what color do you want your dollhouse?"

  "Where did we meet?" Scrivener asked.

  "What I really want," Brigitte said, "is - "

  "Wait!" Scrivener cried. "If you ask for something insig­nificant, I'll tan your hide, young lady."

  "I wish you'd stop shouting at me!" Brigitte cried.

  "I can take care of that for you," Azzie said, and made a gesture.

  Thomas Scrivener opened his mouth but no words came out. He strained, his tongue waggled, his cheeks puffed in and out, but he could form no sound.

  "What have you done?" Brigitte asked.

  "Fulfilled your wish," Azzie said. "He'll not shout at you again. You or anyone."

  "That wasn't fair!" Brigitte said. "I was talking to my daddy, not to you! You still owe me a wish!"

  "Come on, Brigitte," Azzie said. "Make a wish, then. I have to get out of here."

  Thomas Scrivener tried to speak. His face was purple, and his eyes bulged like hard-boiled eggs. He was one hell of a looking sight, and Brigitte started to laugh, then stopped ab­ruptly. Something had appeared in the air.

  It solidified.

  And there was Ylith, appearing from nowhere, looking disheveled, with smoke coming out of the end of her broom.

  "Azzie!" she cried. "Good thing you told me of this wish situation - and I remembered. Is there a problem?"

  "It's obvious, isn't it?" Azzie asked. "I'm still trying to get this kid to name a wish so I can grant it and get out of here. But she and her father keep arguing about what it should be."

  Thomas Scrivener made pleading gestures to Ylith.

  "What have you done to him?" Ylith asked.

  "Well," Azzie said, "Brigitte here said she wanted him to shut up, so I shut him up for her."

  "Oh, Azzie, stop playing around. Little girl, what do you want to be when you grow up?"

  Brigitte considered. "When I was little I wanted to be a princess."

  "I don't know whether Azzie can handle that," Ylith said.

  "I don't want that now," Brigitte said. "Now I want to be a witch!"

  "Why do you want that?"

  "Because you're a witch," Brigitte said. "I want to be like you and ride a broomstick and enchant people."

  Ylith smiled. "Azzie, what do you think?"

  "One more witch, what does it matter?" Azzie asked. "Is that it, kid? You want to be a witch?"

  "Yes!" said Brigitte.

  Azzie turned to Ylith. "What do you think?"

  "Well, I do take on apprentices from time to time. Brigitte is a little young, but in a few years ..."

  "Oh, yes, please!" Brigitte said.

  "All right," Ylith said.

  "Okay," Azzie said. "You got it, kid. Now let me out of here."

  "First give my father his voice again."

  Azzie did as was requested of him. Thomas Scrivener went to give Brigitte a good slap alongside the head. He found his arm held by an invisible force.

  "What did you do?" Brigitte asked Ylith.

  "It's simple enough magic," Ylith said. Turning to Scriv­ener, she said, "Be good to your little girl. In a few years she will be able to make mince pies of you. And you'll have me to reckon with, too."

  Chapter 1

  After Brigitte released Azzie from his captivity, Ylith tied together two of her broomsticks with a stout straw rope and, with Azzie clinging behind her, rode them back to Augsburg. The sensation of the virile young demon clinging to her was very sweet to Ylith. She felt a frisson of delight when his claws, gripping her shoulders, acciden­tally brushed her breast. What bliss it was to ride with the beloved high above the clouds! For a while all thought o
f sin or sinner was forgotten, all question of good and evil put aside as she cavorted in the high blue of the sky, through violet-tinged clouds formed into fantastical shapes, melting and re­forming before her eyes. Azzie liked it, too, but urged her to hurry home. They had to recover the young couple from the Harpies.

  Back at the mansion, Ylith had a chance to wash her hair and pin it up securely. Then she was ready for the journey.

  Using a freshly charged broomstick, Ylith mounted the heights, flying alone now, darting and sweeping with quick control. The earth fell away, and soon she was in the sparkling realms of the sky. There she searched and searched, but not a sign of the Harpies could she discover. She circumnavigated the world by its outer edge and still did not find them. But then a slow-moving pelican appeared and told her, "You're looking for the Harpies with the two stiffs? They told me to tell you they got bored and have parked the couple in a safe place and gone back to rejoin their sisters."

  "Did they say anything else?" Ylith asked, making slip­stream movements to keep her speed down to that of the slow-moving pelican.

  "Just something about a mah-jongg game," the pelican said.

  "Didn't they say where this safe place was?"

  "Not a bit of it!" said the pelican. "I thought about re­minding them, but they were off, and there was no way I could overtake them. You know how fast they go with those new­fangled brazen wings."

  "In which direction did they fly?" Ylith asked.

  "North," the pelican said, motioning with his wing tip.

  "True north or magnetic?"

  "True north," the pelican said.

  "Then I think I know where they are," Ylith said.

  She turned her course to the north and piled on the speed, even though she knew the wind force would make her eyes red and unattractive. She overflew the land of the Franks in no time, then passed the deep fjord-pierced coast where Northmen still worshiped old gods and fought with hammers, axes, and other farm tools. She went past the lands of the Lapps, who sensed her passing as they trekked over the snow with their reindeer herds, but pretended not to see her since the best thing to do with ambiguous phenomena was to ignore them. And at last she came to the North Pole, the real one which existed within the imaginary point of true and absolute north and could not be reached by mortals. Slipping through the fold of reality in which it lay, she saw, below her, Father Christmas' Village.

  It was built upon the solid sheet of ice with which the North Pole was capped. The buildings that had been set up here were very fine indeed, being half-timbered and wainscoted. Over to one side Ylith could see the workshop, where Father Christmas' gnomes made gifts of all sorts for mortals. These workshops are well known. What is less well known is the fact that there is a special room at the back where essences of good and evil are received from the secret storage places of Earth.

  In each gift, a bit of good luck or a bit of bad luck was inserted. Exactly who got what kind of luck was a matter no one could tell. But it seemed to Ylith as she strolled through the workshop, watching the little men with their hammers and screwdrivers, that the process was more or less random. There was a hopper in the center of the big worktable, and into it fell glistening bits of good or bad luck, each of them like a little bouquet of herbs. A dwarf would reach in and insert the luck into the Christmas gift without even looking to see what it was.

  Ylith asked the dwarves whether a pair of Harpies had come by recently carrying two frozen people. The dwarves shook their heads irritably. Making and stuffing Christmas pres­ents is precision work, and if people talk to you, it spoils the rhythm. One of them jerked his head toward the back of the workshop. Ylith went that way and saw, at the end of the long room, a door with an inscription on it: SANTA'S OFFICE. She went there, knocked, entered.

  Santa was a big, fat man with the sort of face that smiled easily. But looks don't always tell the story. Santa was frowning, and his face was long and drawn as he talked into a magical seashell.

  "Hello, is this Supply? I need to talk to someone."

  The answer came out of a baboon's head, stuffed and mounted on the wall.

  "This is Supply. With whom am I speaking?"

  "Claus here. Santa Claus."

  "Yes, Mr. Claus. Are you authorized to speak to us here in Supply?"

  "I guess you haven't heard of me," Santa Claus said. "I'm the one who brings presents around every December twenty-fifth by the new calendar."

  "Oh, that Santa Claus! When do you start bringing pres­ents for demons?"

  "I'm overworked enough bringing presents for humans," Santa Claus said. "I've got this problem-"

  "Just a minute," the voice said. "I will connect you with the problems clerk."

  Santa Claus sighed. He was on hold again. Then he noticed Ylith, who had just entered the room.

  He blinked three times rapidly behind his little rectangular spectacles. "Goodness gracious! You're not a dwarf, are you?"

  "No," Ylith said, "and I'm not a reindeer, either. But I'll give you a clue. I got here on a broomstick."

  "Then you must be a witch!"

  "You've got it."

  "Are you going to bewitch me?" Santa asked, slobbering slightly as he perceived Ylith's charms, which had been brought into prominence by her windblown clothes. "I wouldn't mind being bewitched, you know. Nobody ever thinks of bewitching Santa Claus. As if I don't need a little cheering up from time to time, eh? Who brings Santa Claus presents, eh? Ever think of that? It's give, give, give all the time around here. But what do I get out of it?"

  "Satisfaction. You bask in everybody's love."

  "It's the presents they love, not me."

  "The giver is part of the given," Ylith said.

  Santa Claus paused and considered. "Do you really think so?"

  "How could it be any other way?"

  "Well, that's better, then. Might I inquire what you are doing here? There's never anyone but dwarves and reindeer around here. And me, of course."

  "I came," Ylith said, "because I need to pick up some packages that were left for me here."

  "Packages? What kind of packages?"

  "One male, one female. Both humans. Both frozen solid. The Harpies brought them here."

  "Oh, those terrible Harpies!" Santa said. "They've left the snow yellow for miles around!"

  "What about the frozen people?"

  "They're out in back, in the woodshed."

  "I'll pick them up now," Ylith said. "Oh, and one thing more. There's a little girl on Earth named Brigitte Scrivener."

  "Little dirty-faced kid with a saucy manner? " Santa always remembered the children.

  "That's her. What I'd like you to do is bring her a dollhouse this year. The sort you usually only give to princesses. Filled with moving figures, wallpaper, radios, and other magical things."

  "This kid was real good, eh?"

  "Goodness had nothing to do with it," Ylith said. "She got a promise from a demon and this is part of the payoff."

  "Why isn't the demon himself here to get it?"

  "He had other stuff to do. You know how demons are."

  Santa Claus nodded. "Okay, she'll get the present. Do you want me to take special care to make sure it gets a bit of good luck in it?"

  Ylith thought it over carefully. "No, just give her whatever comes up. The dollhouse is enough. She'll have to take her chances on the luck it'll bring her just like anyone else."

  "Sagely put," Santa said. "Now, before you go, let me give you a present."

  "What are you talking about?"

  "This!" Santa cried, tearing at his nether clothing.

  "Thanks all the same," Ylith said, fending him off easily, "but I really don't need your gift now. Keep it for some other lucky lady."

  "But no one ever comes this way!" Santa said. "It's only elves and reindeer!"

  "Tough!" Ylith went to the woodshed. She carried out the bodies of Charming and Scarlet. They were both frozen stiff as logs and heavy as sin. Ylith had to call on all her witch
strength to lift them.

  "Send me one of your witch friends!" Santa shouted. "Tell her I give presents!"

  "I'll tell them," Ylith said. "Witches love presents." And then she rose into the air, bearing Scarlet and Charming, head­ing for Azzie's mansion in Augsburg as fast as she could fly.

  Chapter 2

  Azzie was pacing nervously in the back courtyard when Frike said to him, "I think that's her, master!" He was pointing into the eastern sky.

  As Azzie watched, Ylith appeared, flying slowly with four broomsticks, and carrying the two frozen bodies by ropes sus­pended from them.

  "Careful how you put them down!" Azzie shouted as she soared in for a landing.

  "Don't tell a witch how to ride a broomstick," Ylith said, elegantly setting down her burden near the door to the alchem­ical laboratory.

  "At last!" Azzie said, hurrying over to look at the couple. "Took your time about getting here, didn't you?"

  "Thanks a lot!" Ylith said. "Go fetch your own bodies next time. And get your own eyes!"

  Azzie instantly changed his manner. "I'm sorry, Ylith, but I really have to hurry up or I'll never get these two set up and rolling by contest time. I've gotten some more ichor. Let's stow Charming for the present and get Scarlet to the castle and animate her."

  "Just as you wish," Ylith said.

  "That's great," Azzie observed when they were done with the Prince. "Now I just hope everything is ready at the castle. We'll go there at once."

  And so they did. Ylith carried Scarlet, still rigid with cold, and Azzie, utilizing his considerable flying powers, followed carrying Frike and a sack of provisions and spells he thought he'd need.

  "Get that fire going!" Azzie said to Frike, later, when they had taken up residence in the enchanted castle. They were in an upper story, where a chamber had been prepared for Prin­cess Scarlet. First, of course, they had to animate her.

  "Have you got the eyes?" Azzie asked.

  "Right here," Ylith said. "I got this set from Chodlos, the artist who painted her as the Magdalene."

  "And for Prince Charming?"

  "The eyes of Skander, the dragon."

  "Very nice," Azzie said. "Why is it still so cold in here?"