What she wanted now was the same kind of online following that Raven had, and more than that, she wanted to be loved by thousands and thousands of people—and to help those thousands and thousands of people. She also didn’t normally envy anyone or anything on any occasion, but she couldn’t deny that she sometimes envied all the love everyone constantly showed Raven—a lot more than they showed Porsha. This, of course, was creating a problem for her because being loved was the one thing Porsha longed for and needed, and now that her mother and father were gone—the only two people who had ever loved her unconditionally—she was desperate to find that kind of love again. She’d sort of shared this very thing when she’d spoken to the congregation this morning. And this was also the reason she wouldn’t lose hope that Steve would eventually divorce his wife and commit to her.
But until he did, she would secure love and appreciation through her ministry. What she would do is work toward figuring out her purpose—her reason for being born. She also believed that this purpose of hers—whatever it was—had to do with helping women who had a specific problem. She had no idea what this problem might be, but she looked forward to discovering it.
But even with her own set of plans for the future, for some reason, she still couldn’t shake Raven’s growing ego. When they’d first started the ministry, the idea that Raven had quickly become much more well-known than Porsha hadn’t mattered to Porsha in the least, but now it sort of did. This whole snobby, superior attitude of Raven’s wasn’t right, and if Porsha was completely truthful, she would also have to admit that she just didn’t like having a woman like Raven—a thief who’d done time in prison—talking down to her. Porsha wasn’t sure why she felt this way, because before meeting Raven, she’d never tried to compare herself to anyone, mainly because she’d lived a very wealthy life since childhood. Not to mention, even though she’d graduated from college with a business degree, she’d never had to work to earn a living. Her parents had given her everything and then some, but now she wanted something more. She wanted to accomplish great things that had nothing to do with her father’s money. She wanted her own gifts and talents to bring her the kind of happiness she deserved. As it was, she was already good at organizing programs and preaching the word, so all she had to do was continue on that same path. The only difference now was that she would be much more focused and diligent about it. She would sit down and create a real plan and then execute it with great passion. She would make her greatest desires her highest priority. She would rise to the occasion in no time.
Chapter 4
Raven reached across her shiny, dark mahogany dining room table, gently holding Kane’s hands. Miss Ethel, her part-time cook, had prepared dinner for them but had just left to go home. Miss Ethel would have been more than willing to stay and serve them, except Raven preferred spending her Sunday afternoons alone with the man she loved. To be honest, she couldn’t wait to find a full-time cook now that she could afford it, but when she did she would still give her new cook Saturday and Sunday afternoons off. She, of course, wished she could simply keep Miss Ethel, but Miss Ethel had recently turned seventy-five and just wasn’t interested in all-day work.
Raven and Kane bowed their heads and she said grace. “Dear Heavenly Father, thank you for this wonderful opportunity of fellowship with my dear Kane, and for the food that has been prepared for us. I ask that you please let it serve as great nourishment for our bodies and good health. In Your Son Jesus’s name, Amen.”
“Amen,” Kane said.
“So,” Raven began, lifting a baked chicken thigh from the glass dish and setting it on her plate, “did you enjoy service today?”
Kane spooned out some green beans from a ceramic bowl. “I did. It was a blessing, and your sermon was great.”
“I’m glad to hear that.”
Raven picked up a dinner roll with metal tongs and then scooped out some red potatoes from another container. She knew it should be the furthest thing from her mind, but for some reason, she thought about the kind of life she’d lived with Dillon. Not her married life, but her material life. They’d purchased a five-bedroom, six-bathroom home, and she missed that. She even missed the twelve-seat dining room table that they’d sat at daily for dinner. The house she owned now was fine, and it certainly wasn’t anything to frown at, but it wasn’t the same as her former residence. She knew there was nothing wrong with having a four-bedroom home, what with her living alone, but she wanted something bigger, something more luxurious, something people took a second look at when they drove by it. She wanted something even grander than the house Porsha owned.
Raven had decorated her current home with lots of expensive furniture and accessories, but it still didn’t compare to the house she’d shared with Dillon. That was okay, though, because, with the way things were going with the ministry, it wouldn’t be long before she was able to build herself a small mansion. If it was the last thing she did, she would construct something spectacular and memorable—something she could be proud of.
Raven ate some of her chicken and gazed at Kane, who was the kind of man most women dreamed about. He was tall, dark, and handsome and had just the right amount of muscle.
“So what are you looking at, my dear?” he teased.
“You, of course.”
“Why? You like what you see?”
“No, I love what I see. I love everything about you.”
Kane ate a forkful of his food. “Is that a fact?”
“It is.”
“Then why won’t you marry me?”
Raven wasn’t sure how to respond and was sorry she’d set herself up this way.
“You’re not going to answer?” he asked.
“Baby, you know I can’t do that right now.”
“Yeah, that’s what you keep saying, but I have to tell you, that line is getting pretty old.”
Raven showed no facial expression, but she was a little thrown by his response. He was never happy when they had this conversation, but he’d also never sounded so irritated.
“I just need you to be patient with me,” she said.
Kane leaned back in his chair. “I know I’ve told you this many times before, but I’m not your ex-husband. I’m not a cheater, and I would never hurt you the way he did. Why can’t you see that?”
“I do see that. I know you’re a much better man than he was. A much better man than he’ll ever be. But I don’t want to marry you and then not be a good wife. I don’t want you to feel like I’m not devoting the kind of time to you that I should.”
“Well, I guess I need you to explain what that means, because I don’t see how that would be a problem. We spend lots of time together now, and we’re not even married.”
“I know, and I’m glad you feel that way, but I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. I’ve thought long and hard about it, and it’s now time for me to elevate the ministry. Take it to a whole new level.”
“I still don’t see what that has to do with our relationship.”
“Baby, it has everything to do with it. Taking the ministry to a different place will require a lot more of my attention. And I will likely be doing it on my own.”
“What does that mean?”
“I don’t know how long Porsha and I will be able to work together.”
“Why? What’s wrong?”
“We don’t see eye to eye on certain things, and I can tell she wants more control. Just like today, when she spoke before I gave my sermon, that was all her idea. She never even told me until a few minutes beforehand. She did what she wanted whether I liked it or not.”
“Maybe you just need to talk to her. Let her know how you’re feeling.”
“I think we’re already beyond that. Porsha thinks her investment gives her the right to do whatever she pleases. I can just tell.”
“When did you start noticing that there might be a problem?” Kane asked.
“I’ve noticed here and there for a while. But incorporating this new message of hers ma
kes me wonder what else she’s up to.”
“I still say you should talk to her. Because the worst thing anyone can do is assume they know what another person is thinking.”
Raven heard Kane, but she wasn’t planning to discuss anything with Porsha. Not when she basically wanted Porsha out—something she’d decided on this afternoon, while driving home from church. She wasn’t sure how she would sever their business relationship, but somehow she would.
“Maybe I will,” she said, lying. “We’ll see.”
“Enough of that, though. What about us?”
“I just told you. I really need you to be patient.”
Now Kane folded his arms. “Is it that you don’t love me? Because if that’s what this is really about, just tell me. Just be honest.”
“What? That’s not it at all. I do love you. With all my heart. You know that.”
“I’m not sure what I know anymore. Not with you insisting that we have to wait to get married. I understand your desire to spend more time with the ministry, but if I’m not worried about being neglected then you shouldn’t, either.”
Raven shook her head, wiped both sides of her mouth with a black linen napkin, and scooted her chair back. Then she went around the table and hugged Kane from behind. “Baby, please. Let’s not fight, okay?” she said, kissing him on the side of his face.
“I hate when you do this,” he told her.
She knew full well what he meant but said, “Do what, baby?”
“You know what. Ignore my concerns and then try to use your little seductive ways to silence me.”
“That’s not true,” she said, kissing his neck.
She could tell he was succumbing to her advances, so she caressed his chest with both her hands.
“What we’re doing is wrong, anyway. Having sex outside of marriage goes against everything God stands for, not to mention everything you preach about.”
Raven tuned out his words, steadily kissing him and undoing his tie. Then she unbuttoned his shirt. Kane still tried to act as though he wasn’t giving in all the way, until suddenly he moved her hands away from him and scooted backward.
Then he stood up, drew her close to him, and kissed her forcefully on her lips. She loved when he showed aggression. It was clear that he could no longer resist her and wanted her badly—just like always. They were good together. They had been for a whole year, and not even Kane could deny that. Raven knew he wanted to be married, but she simply couldn’t make that kind of commitment and still become the most powerful female pastor in history. It wasn’t possible, and all she could hope was that Kane would eventually become satisfied with their current arrangement. Because she certainly didn’t want to lose him. But if he continued pressing her, she would be forced to choose between him and New Vision Ministries, and sadly, her choice wouldn’t be him. She did love Kane, but she loved her ministry so much more—much more than anything or anyone else she could think of.
Chapter 5
There’s a huge difference between true Christians who love and honor God and those who I refer to as ‘lukewarm church people,’” Porsha heard Pastor Gwyn Shepherd say.
Porsha had been power walking on her treadmill for nearly an hour and could barely take her eyes off the television. Before becoming a minister, Porsha had rarely watched any televangelist, but once she’d decided to take on that position, she’d watched as many of them as she could. She’d done so because she’d known she could learn a lot about ministry and how to deliver a Christian message.
But for the last few months, it was mainly Gwyn, a prominent local pastor, who held her attention, and Porsha admired her—partly because she was a woman and she had a noticeable way with words, and partly because unlike Porsha and Raven, she seemed to live the same kind of godly life she encouraged others to live. Porsha enjoyed Gwyn’s sermons so much that she rarely missed a single morning broadcast. There were times when she did get up a little later than normal and needed to get to the church, but even when she missed the early airings, she watched the DVR recording in the evenings.
“The Bible says, ‘Beware of false prophets who come disguised as harmless sheep but are really vicious wolves,’” Gwyn said matter-of-factly, and Porsha swallowed hard. Then, strangely, she realized she was fighting back tears. It wasn’t that time of the month for her, so she wondered why she was so emotional. But the more Gwyn spoke, the more Porsha identified with the sermon—and the guiltier she started to feel. Her parents had taught her to love and honor God, but she knew her real reasons for becoming a minister had nothing to do with that. And deep down, she struggled with her deception. This was also the reason that Porsha sometimes wondered why she did some of the things she did, although she couldn’t deny that much of her wrongdoing had seemed to escalate when her father had passed. As it was, she’d lost her mom when she was only a young teenager—she’d been thirteen, to be exact—and then she’d lost her dad just a few years ago. Worse, she was an only child, the same as her parents had been, so she felt all alone. She was alone, and she’d finally had to accept that she’d been left fending for herself in this cold, cruel world.
But it hadn’t been long before all the money her father had willed to her had begun to fill part of the void. Not to mention, even when her dad had been alive, she hadn’t wanted for anything. He’d made sure of it. But when she’d learned soon after his death that he’d left her his entire estate—a few million dollars, plus all his properties and personal possessions—she’d begun traveling to new countries and beautiful islands she’d never gone to before. And while visiting those places, she’d purchased high-end clothing, handbags, and other accessories without paying much attention to the cost, and well…she’d simply enjoyed herself in every way she knew how.
The only problem with that, though, was the fact that traveling and buying material luxuries had only been able to hold her attention for maybe the first full year after her father’s passing. It had all soon become old and boring, and what she’d ultimately realized was that she needed someone to love—and someone to love her back. Someone to happily spend the rest of her life with. So, of course, it hadn’t been long after she’d stopped traveling and had begun attending church regularly again that she’d found herself strongly attracted to Pastor Dillon Whitfield Black. More than she’d ever been attracted to any man.
At first, he’d acted as though he wasn’t interested, but once she’d made her intentions known to him, one Sunday after another, he had eventually surrendered and had driven over to the northwest suburb that she’d moved to outside of Chicago. She’d since sold that home and moved to Mitchell because of her dedication to NVCC, but it was there that Porsha and Dillon had become close. They’d quickly recognized and fully embraced the intense chemistry they shared, and their relationship had blossomed into something she’d been sure would lead to marriage. It was true that at the time, Dillon had been married to Raven, but Porsha had seen Raven as nothing more than a mere technicality. Surely—at least she’d thought so, anyway—if Dillon had genuinely loved Raven, he wouldn’t have been sleeping with Porsha every chance he got. She’d been positive that it would only be a matter of time before he asked Raven for a divorce, and she would agree to it. Then Porsha and Dillon would finally become husband and wife.
But, sadly, not only had things not turned out the way Porsha had hoped, Dillon had begun having another affair. He’d cheated on Porsha with another mistress, and Porsha’s discovery of this disturbing news had sent her into a fury. She’d become so upset that her love for Dillon had slowly turned to hate, and she’d soon decided that she couldn’t let him get away with what he was doing. Of course, Dillon hadn’t known it, but Porsha had recorded a couple of their sexcapades and had stored away the DVD for safekeeping. So, needless to say, when she’d learned about this Taylor woman, she’d contacted Raven right away. She’d told her everything and had then driven over to Mitchell to Dillon and Raven’s home to bring her a copy. Porsha could still see the hurt yet se
ething look in Raven’s eyes, and Porsha had understood completely. It was the reason, too, that Porsha had apologized to Raven more than once for sleeping with her husband. And her apology had been sincere. Porsha had very much regretted what she’d done, and surprisingly, Raven had thanked her for bringing her the ammunition she needed in order to get what she wanted from Dillon: to be named co-founder and co-pastor of his ministry.
But as it had turned out, Dillon’s church had burned to the ground before that could happen, and Raven had divorced him and founded her own ministry. Porsha had fully supported her vision, and because of the guilt she’d felt about having an affair with Dillon, she’d quickly offered to invest 100 percent of the funding that Raven had needed. Still, if Porsha could do things over, she wouldn’t have acted so irrationally. Especially since there were times when she wondered if Raven might ever try to use that video against her or Dillon. Porsha hoped not, but with the way Raven had been acting lately, Porsha worried that Raven might be capable of anything.
Porsha watched more of the sermon broadcast and sighed. What was wrong with her, and why did she continue making such awful choices? She’d slept with a married man two years ago, and she was sleeping with another one now. Her parents would be so disappointed. They wouldn’t be happy about the sins she was committing, and in all honesty, she wasn’t sure why she couldn’t just stop what she was doing. Why couldn’t she simply be the good girl her parents had raised her to be and leave well enough alone? She also didn’t understand this new desire she had to reach more people. Although, maybe she needed something that connected her to others because she didn’t have much to be proud of on her own. She had money—lots of it—but money didn’t validate a person. It couldn’t provide unconditional love or guarantee happiness. It couldn’t comfort or protect you. It couldn’t shield you from loneliness and heartbreak.
Sin of a Woman Page 3
