Sin of a Woman

by Kimberla Lawson Roby

  Kane moved closer to the edge of the chair. “But sweetheart, you’re a pastor. And you preach about forgiveness all the time. So why would you want to cause this kind of harm to someone you no longer have to deal with?”

  “Because maybe I’m not perfect like you, Kane,” she said matter-of-factly.

  “I’m not perfect. Not even close. But lately you’ve been doing things that I don’t understand. You don’t seem to care who you hurt, and all you talk about is growing the ministry. Getting more members and online followers. Being the most well-known female pastor in the country. Making millions.”

  “And you have a problem with that?”

  Kane glared at her. “I do, and I don’t like the person you’ve become.”

  “Well, I don’t know what to tell you. I mean, what’s wrong with wanting to be successful? What’s wrong with wanting to bring as many souls to the Kingdom as I can?”

  “There’s nothing wrong with that at all, but you seem to be more concerned about fame and money. I mean, if you ended up with fifty thousand local members, I wouldn’t see anything wrong with that as long as you were doing things the way God wants you to. That this would be about His Kingdom and not yours.”

  Raven frowned. “Oh, so now you’re judging me?”

  “That’s not what I’m trying to do.”

  “Well, it sounds to me like you’re saying I’m not a good person. That I’m actually a sinful one.”

  “Well, as of late, you’ve been doing things I’ve never seen you do before, and I don’t like it.”

  Raven heard everything he was saying, but she didn’t have time for this. She also needed to review the script that she’d written for the broadcast again. Although, the more the wheels turned in her head, she wondered if maybe this spat they were having was working in her favor. Maybe it was giving her a chance to suggest a breakup between them. It would only be temporary, of course, but if she and Kane were to end things, she’d be able to spend all the time with John that was necessary. She could even make John believe that she and Kane had broken up for good, and that she belonged to him now. This brief split between Raven and Kane would also allow her the freedom she needed to handle Porsha and put all of this madness behind her. When it was over, Raven would beg Kane to come back to her and they would resume their relationship.

  “So you’re just going to keep staring at me?” Kane said. “Acting like this is no big deal?”

  “To be honest, you’ve been doing things I don’t like, either,” she lied. “Asking me questions all the time and trying to tell me what to do. So maybe we should take a step back.”

  “You mean break up?”

  “Call it whatever you want.”

  “I suggested that last week, so maybe we should. Especially if you’re planning to continue down this selfish and vengeful journey you’re on.”

  “Well, I’m always going to do me,” she said in a callous tone. “And neither you nor any other man will ever change that. I won’t be controlled by anyone. Not even the perfect Kane Alexander.”

  “Wow,” he said, standing up, and Raven wondered if she’d gone too far. She could see how hurt he was, but that wasn’t why she was doing this.

  She almost took back some of her words, but he kept talking.

  “You’ve really shown me a side of you tonight that I wasn’t counting on. But it is what it is.”

  Raven wanted to rush over and hold him, but she had to be strong. She needed to get things in order, and this separation of theirs would allow her the chance to do it the right way. So instead, she watched Kane leave her house. She would miss being with him, but she knew these next four weeks would pass quickly. They wouldn’t take long at all.

  Raven had checked her hair and makeup one last time, and now she was sitting in her home office at her desk. She’d recited her message out loud a few different times, both earlier today and again when Kane had left, so she was definitely ready.

  She now picked up her smartphone, set it in its upright cradle, and clicked on the Facebook icon. Then she took a deep breath and opened the video feature. She waited about two minutes, allowing folks to join in, and finally began.

  “Good evening, everyone, and I hope you’re doing well. I know it’s a bit unusual for me to broadcast a message on a Tuesday night, especially since I already did my normal Monday recording yesterday. But after seeing more and more rumors here and on other social media sites, I had to do some soul-searching. Last week, I’d decided not to identify the man who raped me, because I didn’t think it was necessary. I also didn’t want to relive any more of this awful part of my past than I had to. But then, lots of folks began wondering who this person was, and it wasn’t long before the majority of people began making assumptions. The name that came up more often than not was Reverend Curtis Black. At first, I didn’t understand why, but after speaking with others I realize now that because I worked for him right before being sent to prison, it sort of sounded as though I was referring to him. But tonight, I want to clear up these vicious rumors once and for all. My ex-father-in-law, Reverend Curtis Black—pastor of Deliverance Outreach here in Mitchell, Illinois—did not rape me. Pastor Black hired me to be his chief financial officer when I was barely thirty years old, and he trusted me like I was family. I hadn’t even met my ex-husband yet, but Pastor Black treated me and all his other employees exceptionally well. To my knowledge, not only did he never disrespect me or approach me in the wrong way, he also never did so with any other female employee. So while it is true that my marriage to his son ended in a very nasty divorce, Pastor Black had nothing to do with that. He was always kind to me, and sadly, I was the one who betrayed him when I was struggling with my gambling problem. But all of that is in the past, and that’s where I want it to stay. So finally, I just want to thank all of you again for the outpouring of love and support that you’ve shown me. This has certainly been both a trying and a very eye-opening week, but with God’s help I know I’m going to be fine. Thank you again, and know that my prayers are with you always,” Raven said, smiling. “Good night, and God bless you.”

  She clicked the Stop button for the recording and breathed deeply again. If she’d been able to do things her way, she never would’ve spoken so highly of Pastor Black. But she also hadn’t wanted to take a chance on D.C. claiming that she hadn’t left Pastor Black “lookin’ like a saint.” Raven hated D.C., and getting rid of him a month from now wouldn’t be soon enough. More important, she would never have to think about that lowlife thug again.

  Chapter 31

  Porsha couldn’t have been happier. Fifty-two women had shown up for her first ministry meeting, and they all seemed just as excited as she was. Porsha was also elated to finally know, without a doubt, that God had called her to lead it. Actually, there had been a point when she’d been sure that He’d given her this assignment, but over the last few days she’d second-guessed herself. She’d done so because she was still fornicating. She’d stopped having an affair with Steve, but she was still sleeping with Dillon. She didn’t want to but she also did want to, and she was having a hard time telling him no. It was difficult, and now she fully understood the scripture Mark 14:38, which talked about how the spirit was willing but the flesh was weak. In her heart and soul, she knew what she was doing was wrong, but when she and Dillon got together, she lost all control. She would try to tell herself that the last time truly was the last time, but then the next night she’d find herself in bed with him again.

  So for this reason, she didn’t see herself as the best example, but she also knew her intentions for the ministry were sincere. She genuinely wanted to help other women—hopefully thousands at some point—and that had to count for something.

  When everyone had settled into their seats, Porsha recited 1 John 4:7 as planned, and then she closed her eyes and prayed. When she finished, she smiled at the women. “Well, good evening, everyone.”

  “Good evening,” they all replied, and Porsha loved that the ladies w
ere of all ages. If she had to guess, she’d say they ranged anywhere from twenty to sixty.

  “I was certainly hoping for a great turnout, but I never expected our first meeting to be so well attended. So thank you for taking time out of your busy schedules to support this,” she said, pulling the cordless microphone from its holder and walking in front of the podium. “If you were here a couple of Sundays ago, then you heard me talk about why I thought this ministry was so important to create. But for those who weren’t, I’ll briefly share that information with you. To begin with, I mostly knew that the single women of this church needed a ministry that was designed just for them. We have our joint ministry for men and women, but that’s not the same. So, I realized it was time we did something for women only. But even better than that, I know God called me to do this, and that’s the most important thing about it. Plus, do we really want to talk about our monthly cycles or menopause with men in the room?”

  Everyone laughed and chattered their opinions to one another.

  “So again, I wanted us to have something for us. I wanted us to have one evening a month where we can come together and share our concerns. We can ask questions and find solutions to our problems,” she said, walking over to a table next to the podium. There lay a stack of folders that contained three handouts, and now Porsha wished she’d asked Michelle to assist her. Although, with the way Michelle had been acting, she probably wouldn’t have attended, anyway. The good news, however, was that Michelle had made sixty copies of each document, so there were more than enough.

  Porsha walked to the far-left side of the room and gave a group of folders to the young woman sitting in the first seat in the front row. Then she did the same with the ladies who sat at the beginning of the two rows behind her. When they’d passed the folders down to the others and everyone had taken one, Porsha took the few extras and set them back on the table.

  “There are three handouts inside. One explains our mission statement; the second is a contact form for you to fill out, just in case I need to communicate with you directly. And the third one has my office and cell phone numbers printed on it, along with my email address. So please feel free to use either at any time. My goal is to always have a certain topic to begin with, depending on what you all suggest for any given month. And I’ll decide that topic based on the majority. You can email me your desired topic or leave a message at one of my numbers. But tonight, I’d like to make this more of an open forum where we can talk about anything we’re currently dealing with or struggling with. I know it isn’t always easy to discuss your problems in front of this many women—at least not until you all get to know each other a little better—but for those who do feel comfortable, I hope you will. I realize that some of you do know each other, but at some point, we’ll begin having outings so that we can spend more time together.”

  The ladies seemed to be in agreement, so Porsha decided to break the ice with her own topic.

  “I guess I’ll go first. For me, as some of you heard me say two Sundays ago, I just want to find a good man who will love me as much as I love him. That’s all I want, but for years I haven’t been able to find someone like that. I have, of course, dated men who I was fully committed to, but they didn’t feel the same. Or if they did, they couldn’t keep it up for very long. They would claim they loved me, and then a few months later they would be gone,” Porsha said, seeing many of the women nodding. “Although, I will admit,” she continued, “that I haven’t always dated men who were right for me. Sometimes I knew up front that I shouldn’t get involved, but I did it anyway. Then, as expected, I ended up hurt and hoping once again to find someone to love me. But what I’m finally discovering now is that it can’t be about what I want, it has to be about what God wants for me. He has to send me my soul mate, because He’s really the only One who can. I say this because, let’s face it, ladies, most of us probably haven’t done that great of a job when it comes to choosing men. If we had, none of us would need to be here tonight.”

  They all laughed again.

  “So, having said that, let me see by a show of hands how many women have never been married.”

  About 40 percent of the women raised their hands.

  “And how many are divorced?”

  Nearly 50 percent of the women put their hands up.

  “And widowed?”

  Now, the final three women raised their hands.

  “It might seem interesting that the majority of the women here are divorced, but it just goes to show how so many women don’t marry the man God has for them. It’s the same as what I just described about myself with dating. But my hope is that this particular ministry will help turn things around for all of us.”

  Porsha walked closer to the front row.

  “So now I’ll give all of you a chance. And if you raise your hand, I’ll bring the mic over to you. Also, please accept my apology for not having anyone here helping me and for not having more than one microphone. But as I said earlier, I just wasn’t expecting so many of you to be here.”

  A twentysomething young woman raised her hand and stood up. “I don’t have anything to share just yet, but I would love to help out next month if you need me.”

  “How very kind of you, and absolutely. What’s your name?”

  “Lisa Warren.”

  “Well, thank you, Lisa. I really appreciate it, and let’s you and I get together when the meeting is over.”

  “Sounds good,” she said, sitting back down.

  Porsha scanned the room to see if anyone else wanted to speak.

  A fortyish woman stood up, and Porsha walked the microphone over to her.

  “Good evening,” the woman said.

  “Good evening,” the ladies responded.

  “My name is Tina Payne, and I first want to say how happy I am to be here tonight. So thank you, Minister Porsha, for making this happen for us.”

  Porsha smiled, but she also felt guilty again. Because the last thing she wanted was for these women to begin trusting her and confiding in her as a minister only to find out months down the road that she was a fraud. So even though she wouldn’t break the news to them tonight, she was making a pact with herself right now. She would tell the entire congregation the truth before their next ministry meeting.

  Porsha smiled. “You’re quite welcome, Tina, and thank you for coming.”

  “So my problem is this,” Tina said. “I’m forty-seven, but whenever I meet a man my age or even a little older, I find out pretty quickly that he wants a younger woman. And there was even a time when my oldest niece and I were out shopping, and a fifty-year-old man smiled and told her how beautiful she was. Then he asked her if she was married. I know he was fifty, because he was shopping for something to wear to his fiftieth birthday party. Oh, and in case you’re wondering how old my niece is, she’s only thirty.”

  “Oh my,” Porsha said, and some of the other women snickered.

  “I mean, so what are we as middle-aged women supposed to do? How are we going to find someone our age or even ten years older, if they’re only looking for some sweet young thing? I don’t mean any disrespect to our young ladies here tonight, but this is a real problem. I even have friends and coworkers who have shared similar stories with me.”

  Porsha agreed. “I’ve heard those stories as well, and I just don’t understand some men. I think many of them get to a certain age, and they start acting as though they need to feel young again. And for whatever reason, they think a woman twenty years younger will do that for them.”

  “That’s exactly what it is,” another woman said. “I’ve had the same problem.”

  “It’s definitely true,” a thirtyish woman toward the front added. “I always have older men trying to talk to me. Which I have to say I don’t mind at all, but it’s very common.”

  Porsha realized she didn’t really need the microphone, because the room was small enough for everyone to hear just fine. “This makes it very difficult for women who want to find me
n their age. But the good news is, your man is still out there. I really believe that, and we women just have to pray, ask God to help us, and then be patient. Because if the relationship isn’t ordained by Him, it won’t work out for us anyway.”

  “Thank you,” Tina said, passing Porsha the microphone back.

  “Anyone else?”

  A woman who looked to be no more than twenty stood up. “Hi, my name is Jackie.”

  “Hi, Jackie,” Porsha said.

  “I’m a little nervous about saying this, but it’s really bothering me so I just want to know your opinion.”

  “Go ahead,” Porsha told her. “That’s what this ministry is all about. Sharing and helping each other.”

  “Well, my parents taught me at a young age that it was wrong to have sex before marriage. But all the guys I meet expect me to do it. Then, when I tell them I can’t, they want to know why. And I’m always honest about it. I tell them that it’s a sin to fornicate.”

  “Good for you, Jackie,” Porsha said, wishing she’d been as strong as this young lady during her college years, because that’s when she’d lost her virginity. Not to mention, she’d been sleeping with men out of wedlock ever since.

  “Well, I guess if you want to look at it that way,” Jackie said. “I mean, I know living the way God wants us to live is the right thing to do, but it’s also the reason I’m still single. Most guys just don’t want to waste their time with a woman who isn’t having sex with them. They’re not willing to wait until marriage.”

  “Sweetheart, that’s been true since the beginning of time,” a woman who looked to be sixty said. “They want what they want, and if you don’t give it to them, they disappear. Fast as a magician.”

  Even Jackie couldn’t help laughing, and so did Porsha and the rest of the ladies.