Circling The Shadows

by Paige Randall

  "What is your situation? I don't understand.”

  Anna dodges the questions. "Can we just say that early in the summer John and I had the same goals. Misery loves company or something like that. Now his goals have shifted. He is looking forward to a future with Clara. He is in a much better place. My situation and my goals have not changed."

  “Your situation?” Stephanie repeats, but Anna faces her expressionless, offering no words. Stephanie bites back her judgment, knowing she doesn't have enough information and whatever Anna’s situation is, she isn’t interested in talking about it. "I like you Anna. I like you a lot. This last year and a half has been a living hell for John. A total living hell. If you are helping him find his way out, I'm grateful. That’s really enough." To punctuate her thought Stephanie climbs into Anna's lap for a drunken hug.

  "I'm bigger, I should really be on the bottom."

  "I'm good," Anna replies, hugging Stephanie hard.

  “How hot is Brad Pitt in real life?” Stephanie asks.

  “Extremely hot and very nice, too.”

  Hours later John and Brian find them sleeping in Anna’s bed, empty bottle and chocolate wrappers between them.

  "Oh my god, is this fucking hot or what?" Brian says and picks Stephanie up to carry her back to 516. She cuddles into him like this is not her first time being carried.

  John sits on the side of the bed and feels a little like an intruder in Anna’s room. He’s been in here a few times, but this is not a place they typically spend time together.

  "I got my rainy day nap," Anna says snuggling closer to him. "I thought it would be with you, but Stephanie was nice too."

  "That image is going to give my brother a lot of sleepless nights," John laughs, kissing her. She is soft and warm from sleep. “You taste like a bourbon barrel.” He kisses her again, "and I like it."

  She wriggles out of her sweat pants and tosses her tee shirt to the floor. He finishes, removing her bra and underwear with flourish.

  "Yours too?" she asks.

  He shakes his head and pulls a chair next to the bed, sliding her close to the edge. She does not question him or blush or turn away. She leans to him, spreading her legs and reaching for his hand. She guides his hand to get what she wants from him. She uses him in exchange for letting him watch her. It is a fair trade. He is mesmerized, watching her satisfy herself. She comes hard and loud, back arching, pushing his fingers deeper into her. He takes his hand back only so he can undress.

  She has one demand. "Now your mouth."

  He guides her legs over his shoulders and ignites her from the outside, in. After, he plunges into her and they ride out the rains together. For the first time, in a bed.

  Later, they shower together. Anna enjoys a heavy dose of ibuprofen and three glasses of water. Brian texts, offering pizza and asking for help loading the car for their early morning departure. Anna and John go to 516 for one last shared evening together as a family, almost.

  After Anna leaves, Brian, Stephanie, and John gather on the porch. Stephanie opts for orange juice. Brian hands John a beer, "since the girls Bogarted the bourbon."

  "Ha-ha,” Stephanie says sarcastically. “John let's talk about talking about the future.”

  Brian and John look confused.

  "You're two are dummies sometimes, aren’t you? What I mean is, I don't think we need to make any plans right now. But we do need to make plans. There are four weeks left in the summer."

  "It’s August already?" John asks shaking his head in disbelief. Four weeks.

  "Yes, tomorrow is August first. Time flies when you’re having fun, doesn’t it?” She says meaningfully to John. He certainly seems to be having fun with Anna and thank goodness for it. "Anyway, we have a busy four weeks. The boys have two weeks at sleepaway camp, Clara is doing a half day camp. Then the kids and I are going to see my parents in Dallas for a week. And then we head to Austin."

  Austin means John's parents, but Stephanie isn't interested in complicating their progress with a 'go visit your parents' dialog. "My point is, why don't you come to Chicago after Labor Day and we can really talk things through then. That gives you some time to think about how you want to live, where you want to be, and how you want things to be with Clara. No pressure. Okay?"

  John agrees, but she knows he must feel the pressure.

  Four

  August

  John tucks Clara into her car seat. "Daddy loves you so much baby girl." He leans in, kissing her curls and her silken cheek.

  She smiles and gives his beard a pat before closing her eyes and exhaling, "Daddy."

  "We can Skype you know.” Stephanie suggests. She hugs him hard and whispers in his ear, “I do love you more than my own brother, but if you ever tell that to anyone, I’ll never forgive you.”

  After watching them drive off, John goes inside and tries to fall back asleep. He gives up after a few minutes, grabs shorts and shoes, and goes onto the beach for a long sunrise run. His mind is racing, planning the changes he wants to make. He is sure now that he is ready.

  Anna knows his habits well. After an hour and a half run, he approaches their stretch of beach. She waits for him in the sand with two coffees and a bottle of water. He runs up, sitting next to her, shirtless.

  “You are up early,” he says and shares a sweaty kiss.

  “I’d get up early any day for this view.” She points her chin to his chest.

  "Happy to oblige. You are an angel." He drinks the water down and sits legs bent, catching his breath from the exertion, before taking the offered coffee.

  "It's flip day," he says offhandedly.

  Flip day or Saturday is their least favorite day of the week. Outgoing traffic, then incoming traffic, jam-packed grocery stores and restaurants, lots of weekenders too. They stay close to the houses on flip day.

  "It's August, too," she says.

  He ignores her comment and drinks the coffee watching the waves meet the surf with his mind on Clara and their future. He is going to consider homes near his brother, but he doesn’t tell Anna.

  “Do you want to go and get pancakes?” Anna asks.

  He declines Anna’s offer, eager to get on his computer. "Lunch?" he counters.

  "Sounds lovely. Picnic on the beach? Looks like a beautiful day."

  Is her tone a little flat? He wonders. “You okay?” he asks.

  She nods and adds a smile as if to prove her point.

  "All I have is leftover pizza and some weird fruit chewy things," John says, letting it drop.

  "Not to worry, I have a full fridge. See you down there later? Twelve thirty or so?"

  He's not ready to say goodbye, but he doesn't stop her quick kiss on his cheek before she walks back to 517.

  Out of nowhere, he wonders whose bed she is returning to in September and the thought puts a hole through him. Not once has she mentioned children or a husband, dead, alive, divorced. Her silence on these subjects is absolute.

  For the thousandth time he wonders why she won’t lay with him in any bed. He has been in her bed twice, the night he told her about Clara and yesterday when she was full of bourbon. But they have never spent a night together. In the beginning, he thought she was trying to avoid becoming too attached. In two months, they have had sex in their kitchens, living rooms, dining rooms, showers and on the beach. They enjoyed a bed exactly one time. Yesterday. It was amazing and he is a little pissed off about it.

  He wants to picture her in his life, in a house in Chicago, but he fights it. He thinks about Clara sitting on Anna’s lap, leaning against Anna, going through each and every Richard Scarry book. Anna has the kindness and patience of a mother who misses having young children. She must have children, maybe away at camp or with a father somewhere.

  Anna returns to 517 and changes into her running clothes. She runs the streets instead of the beach, avoiding John. She goes as far as the city docks before reaching for a bill neatly tucked into her pocket for just this reason and stops for a latte at the cafe.
She sits at the end of the dock dangling her legs towards the water. Tour boats and fishing boats are loading eager passengers.

  She loves it here. She feels a million miles away from home. Away from Dylan. Away from his rages and her fear and then the endless days in hospitals. She holds her empty belly and aches for her lost baby. The thought that John will be lost to her after this wonderful summer ends, is becoming more and more difficult to imagine. But she has to consider herself now and find a way to move forward, alone. She needs to love a baby more than she needs to love a man, and with John she knows she cannot have both.

  After a shower, she packs a picnic, tops the cooler with a two cold beers and goes out early, before ten o’clock. The thought of a sand chair and a good book are appealing. She is finishing The English Patient. She is drawn to prose about mad but doomed love affairs. The irony is almost too obvious to be amusing. She finishes the book, goes inside and eyes closed, randomly pulls a book from the 517 lending library (take one, leave one). She pulls John Irving’s, Hotel New Hampshire from the shelf. It looks interesting and a little ridiculous with a bear riding a bike on the cover. Perfect.

  Anna returns to her lounge chair at twelve o’clock. At one thirty John joins her on the beach. She hasn't eaten but is starving and nibbling a cookie.

  "I'm so damned sorry," he apologizes, with a grin that says the opposite. "I got caught up in a few things."

  He looks excited, but doesn't offer more. "Anything you want to talk about?" she asks. He shakes his head.

  "Just things for later. Not for now." He smiles at her with a smile that would melt her heart if she let it.

  "Forgive me and feed me?" he asks. "I'll make it worth your while."

  She opens the cooler and they feast with just fingers and napkins, a perfect beach lunch. "And how exactly will you make this worth my while? Or shall I guess?" she asks.

  "You can try. Listening to you talk dirty to me would be its own reward, but you'll never guess." He seems very pleased with himself and her curiosity is piqued. “I have a surprise,” he admits proudly.

  "Oh tell me!" She is delighted.

  "Remembering back to your Rain Drops on Roses summer to-do list? We haven’t checked off live music."

  She agrees. "And?"

  "How about a field trip tonight? I have two things in mind. The Black Keys are playing at The University of South Carolina, about two hours away in Columbia. It will be a lot of college kids, but I got great tickets and they are fantastic live."

  John had introduced her to this young band from South Africa on the beach one day. Their music is complex, interesting, seductive and addictive.

  "I'd love that!" She is genuinely thrilled. "I'm almost afraid to ask about the second thing." She offers him a sensual smile.

  "I'm going to leave that one as a surprise. Today was an early morning. Can I recommend an afternoon nap for two? It's going to be a late night. Oh, and wear a scarf." He adds smiling, too.

  Interesting!

  After lunch, they plug in and listen to a Black Keys playlist, to gear up for the show. After the last song ends, John wordlessly picks her up, bending down so she can reach her beach bag.

  "Taking me back to your cave?" she asks, leaning into him, enjoying him more than she ever meant to. He doesn't even answer, just carries her to his outdoor shower under the house. The wooden door has a small latch and is really intended for quick rinses, not showers for two. They strip and he manages the soap working them both over, not really focused on washing. He takes the shampoo from her hand.

  “Very Out of Africa,” she says, luxuriating in the feel of his hands in her hair.

  He is impatient and takes her abruptly, turning her around and pressing her against the wooden wall. She gasps in surprise and for a quick moment, panic, then it is gone. He uses his hand to help her find her way and it doesn't take long. He comes whispering her name, with his mouth at her ear. Afterwards, she is weak in the knees and struggles to find her legs. She leans against John and he holds her, while they catch their breath. Not bothering to dress, they wrap in towels going into the house.

  “John, would you forgive me if I scoot home for a few hours? I have some emails to return, that sort of thing,” Anna lies. John doesn’t call her out on it, but she thinks they both know she is lying. He leaves it alone though.

  “Sure. Go on home. I’ll come by and pick you up about five?”

  She kisses him softly on the cheek. “You are such a dear man,” she says with a hand in his beard, before throwing on her beach dress and walking out the door.

  Later, they drive to Columbia for the show. Traffic has died down and the drive is peaceful with open windows and loud music playing. Anna’s curly ponytail flows in the wind. She is more beautiful than when they met. She is sun tanned and looks stronger, less frail. She looks healthy. The pounds she has gained have found the right places. John considered booking a room in Columbia to spend the night, but decided against even mentioning it to her. He is trying to stick to their deal even if it is driving him crazy. They have just four weeks left and he doesn't want to scare her off.

  But John wants more. He knew for sure this afternoon while looking for homes near Clara. He emailed a partner at his old firm and they invited John back with a reduced caseload. He wants time to reconnect with Clara and he isn't going to force Stephanie to give up her career forever. He sure as shit isn't going to hire a nanny so he can work eighty hours a week and see Clara for a few hours on the weekends. He is going to be her father.

  John and Anna arrive at the venue an hour before the show starts. They walk the campus exploring the beautiful yellowed buildings covered in greenery and trees draped in Spanish moss. Anna takes John’s hand and leads him behind a building, to a lot full of construction equipment, quiet for the night. Leaning against the brick, she unbuttons his pants and reaches for him before their lips meet. She watches his face as she frees him, running her hand over him. He holds the brick wall, letting her take her time before she slides her panties down and off. He reaches under her short dress and uses his hand to bring her close, before he picks her up, leaning her into the brick and buries himself into her.

  When the show begins, they are surrounded by young fans and a surprising number of fans their age and older. A reggae band starts the show and Anna lays her head on John’s shoulder, still unsteady.

  "How old are you?" Anna asks.

  He tries to hide his surprise. This is not how their conversations usually go. "I'm turning thirty-nine."

  "When?"

  "On the fifteenth."

  "Of August? Leo! I should have known." She considers before continuing. "I am thirty-six. Today. Leo too."

  He is stunned into silence. The lights dim and the show starts. He kisses her cheek, "Happy Birthday Anna." I love her.

  The thought hits him like a gunshot to the chest, really his heart. He loves her. The air leaves his lungs for a moment. He was so sure that part of his life was over. He was dead inside for so long. But he loves her.

  I know nothing about her. It doesn’t matter. He loves her.

  She’s probably married. None of it matters. The important thing is that he loves her. He loves her and most likely his heart will be ripped from his chest in four weeks, but that is less important. Today he is with her and he is in love. This is not what he expected on check-in day. He looks to Anna, feeling more alive than he has felt in almost two years. She enjoys the music in the darkness and looks to his face.

  “What are you smiling about?” she asks.

  He wants to tell her he loves her, but sanity forces him to keep his mouth shut. “Just happy birthday,” he answers, taking her hand in his. After the show ends, John buys Anna a concert tee shirt. “Happy birthday Anna,” he says again, with a kiss to her lips. He doesn’t mean it to, but the kiss feels a little bit like a goodbye.

  The drive back toward the beach is quiet. John offers no hint of the second surprise. Anna doesn’t ask. She is nothing if not patient. A
few miles from their exit, John turns off onto another exit. "I need you to cover your eyes for the rest of the drive." He glides the scarf from her neck.

  Anna complies, tying the scarf around her head, covering her eyes, and adjusts her hair. "Only a few more minutes," he says. Tires crunch against the dirt road. The car slows and bumps along for a mile or two. They park and John helps Anna from the car. Wooden chips press into her sandals. They walk a short distance and John lifts Anna over a small chain blocking the walkway.

  "Closed?" she asks.

  "Yes, but staff is duly bribed."

  More wood chips and they walk another hundred yards or so. Finally he positions her and removes the scarf inviting her to look. She opens her eyes slowly, adjusting to the darkness. Within seconds, moonlight illuminates the magnificent tree before her. He lets her take in the majesty of the beautiful oak before explaining.

  "This is Angel Oak.” He memorized the details from the website, “It is said to be the oldest living thing east of the Rocky Mountains. Somewhere between 400 and 1,500 years old. It stands just 67 feet tall, but extends 187 feet wide."

  Anna takes in the magical tree. Branches stretch to the ground. The trunk is the size of a small house. It is sheer beauty.

  "I'd love to show you during the day, but they have very strict rules here at Angel Oak Park."

  "Oh," she answers distractedly, reaching her arms around the old gray trunk to share an embrace.

  "You can climb," he says holding up her running shoes. "You said you wanted to climb things. This is hands down the best tree to climb in these parts." He offers her the shoes with socks tucked inside. She sits right on the ground, kicks off her sandals and is quickly tying laces. He watches and enjoys her excitement. He likes making her happy.

  "You got my shoes? When and how?

  “This afternoon. Before I came out to the beach. I picked your lock.”