Circling The Shadows

by Paige Randall

  “Which time Anna?” He stands over her and the proximity to his anger makes her lean away.

  “I deserve that.”

  John notices she leans towards the door. “How could you do this?” He points a finger to her face. To her credit, she stays in place. He knows he is scaring her but can’t find it in himself to care.

  “John, Clara is so perfect. Holding her in my arms that day on your porch, I knew I had to move forward with my plans.”

  “You mean the afternoon I swam out in a storm and very nearly didn’t come back? You were rocking my little girl, thinking about what good babies I make, working out getting one for yourself? And what about later? When I told you the truth? I thought you decided then you wouldn’t do it. That’s what you said on the boat.”

  “I lied,” she says directly into his eyes. “I didn’t mean to lie, I just couldn’t stick with it.” She pauses before going on, and then she speaks each word slowly and with great care, “I lied and you knew it all along. You were greedy for love, John, so you let it happen. You took the risk knowing full well I wasn’t using birth control. You know you did. And you were right and here we are.” She speaks with complete surety and even though he wants to, he can’t deny it.

  “Were you lying when you told me you loved me on the beach?” he whispers. “Were you lying to keep me here?” He still can’t believe he let this happen.

  “No,” she says firmly. “I never lied about loving you.”

  “I’m not sure if I can believe you.” He is genuinely confused and leans against the dresser, looking for stability. He has lost all sense of firm ground.

  “I love you John. I love you and I wanted so desperately to take a piece of you with me when I go.”

  “But Anna, you know I won’t let you go now.” He knows his tone is threatening.

  “Do you have a choice?” she asks quietly.

  They could destroy each other. “I have choices Anna.” He spits out the words, holding his hair back tight with both hands in frustration.

  “Are you going to chain me up in your fucking basement?” She spits back.

  “If that’s what it takes, I might.”

  “You are angry John, I understand, but…”

  “Anna, you fucked a lawyer with a family full of lawyers, I will never let that baby go.” His words are laced with hate.

  Her breathing tightens and as they face each other, he can finally see the fear in her eyes. Her fear of him isn’t just physical, it is much deeper. And it turns his stomach. This woman he loves, who has suffered such violence and loss, should never have cause to fear him.

  “Is that a threat?” Anna asks.

  They probably will destroy each other. He looks into her blue eyes. His green eyes try to challenge her intentions and allay her fears. He wants her at his side and the baby doesn’t change anything. He doesn’t know how, but they can be together. Their love isn’t perfect, but it is all they’ve got.

  “I think it’s a proposal.” He sits on the bed beside her, anger flowing out of him. She responds with no words, but her face softens and he pulls her into his lap, laying his head against hers. "I love you. If we keep this up, we’re going to hurt each other. I don’t want to."

  “John…” she starts, but doesn’t finish.

  “Anna, can we pretend we are a normal, carefree couple tonight and enjoy our evening in Savannah? No talk, no decisions right now. Let’s give this a little time to settle in. We love each other, we’ll find our way.”

  She nods, but he doesn’t think she believes him. He takes off his towel and then undresses her. He is desperate to reestablish the closeness they shared thirty minutes ago, before they shared a baby. This way always works for them.

  They leave the hotel arm in arm. He thinks there is a high probability she will run, so he means to enjoy this last night with her. As they walk, he wonders silently if this is their goodbye and if it is, what he’ll do about it.

  They walk the Riverfront shops. Savannah is especially beautiful at night. They make their way up the stone covered street and steep stairs to The Olde Pink House for dinner. John can't help but hold her arm tighter than usual, protecting her from a fall, remembering her first pregnancy. He tries to block thoughts of the future from his head, at least for a little while.

  They are charmed by the restaurant and its rich history. Sitting in the large dining room, it seems as though little has changed here in three hundred years. After they enjoy a perfect southern meal, a beautiful African American woman approaches their table. Her dress is all Scarlett O’Hara before the war.

  She takes John's hand in hers. "What is your name beautiful man?" she asks.

  "My name is John ma'am. And what is yours?" He is curious. There is a magical quality to her. The whole evening feels like an out of body experience. He is eating dinner with this woman he loves, who is pregnant with his baby, and most likely leaving him within hours.

  "Hello beautiful John, I am Rose." She holds John's hand and begins to sing. Renee Fleming herself could not have matched the beauty, depth and emotion that Rose brings to that ridiculous birthday song. Her extraordinary voice fills the room and holds the attention of every diner. John eyes are wet when she finishes. The song, the baby, Anna. It’s a lot. He kisses Rose’s cheek.

  She pats his beard. "Lucky woman and a lucky man. I can see the love that is between you. And maybe more?" she says to Anna, with eyes at her belly.

  John sits down hard and puts on his stage face. He is a performer after all.

  "Pemberley called it, right? Best birthday spot ever!" Anna says happily. John knows she is good at separating her thoughts into those she can manage and those she cannot.

  Later at the hotel, they lie together, tangled in the sheets again.

  "I love you," he says and wonders if he can change their fate.

  “John, I want to go back to the houses.” Anna says getting up. She reaches for her clothes and starts pulling them on. “I need to go back.”

  “Now?” He rises onto his elbows. He probably can’t change their fate.

  “I can’t do this anymore John. We need to go,” she says.

  “Be specific Anna. You can’t do what?”

  “I can’t pretend that we are not about to annihilate each other. I love you John, but this is my baby.”

  "Anna, marry me."

  "Are you out of your fucking mind?" Anna yells.

  "It is possible that I am."

  "John, we both know marriage is completely out of the question."

  "Anna, forget the baby for a minute. Let’s just talk about us. I want to be with you. I wanted to be with you before this baby. And I know you want to be with me. You are all steeled up for a life without a man. You were terrified by Dylan for years and you never want to open yourself up like that again. I get it. But there is more between us here Anna."

  "And after the baby is born, John?" she points out the obvious. "How long after having another baby will it take for you to stop feeling that I'm going to do something horrible? That I'm going to walk into the ocean, throw myself in front of a train, overdose on drugs or slice my wrists?”

  He winces hard at her words and she continues anyway. “How long will you look at me, waiting for the other shoe to drop, terrified? You don't have a handle on it, John. Forcing Clara to live with that is cruel. And I can't raise a baby like that."

  She reaches for her overnight bag and he holds her hand to stop her from opening it. “When you chose to get pregnant with me, you knew what you were getting into. When you found out you were pregnant, you could have run and I would never have known. Why didn’t you run Anna? Why are we even having this conversation? You could have left a note or told me you had to get back to New York, you had a thousand ways to get out clean. Yet, here we are and you ordered a fucking lemonade and you knew I would know. Why Anna?” He knows, but he wants her to see it.

  “I don’t know.” She paces the room in frustration.

  “I think I do kno
w and it isn’t going to feel good to hear. It is the same reason you didn’t leave Dylan. You are fucking terrified of being alone.” He wants to go on analyzing her motives, but thinks that is enough.

  “No, I want to be on my own. I am going to New York.” She is outraged.

  “And moving in with your best friend.” He points out.

  “Temporarily. I want to be alone.”

  “So what is your perfect scenario here? You go to New York, raise this baby and we never see each other again? Is that really what you want?”

  “I want it to be what I want,” she says earnestly.

  “That isn’t the same thing.”

  “I need to be alone John. I don’t want you near me, in my bed. I don’t want to feel that way again. All I can think about is squeezing Pem’s hand and delivering my dead daughter. It is fucking haunting me John.”

  “Anna I would never hurt you. I would never lay a hand on you. Never.”

  He seems so sincere that her heart aches not to believe him.

  “I don’t know any more John. It all seemed so clear before. Can we just go back to the houses?” she pleads.

  They pack and drive the hours back to 517 in near silence. After pulling into the driveway, John lets the engine run and stays in his seat.

  He speaks quietly, without facing her. “I’m going to my house tonight. Now is your chance to run. If you go, I’ll give you a year before I look for you. That is time to be alone and get your head together. Time to have the baby and learn not to be afraid. Do you know how to find me if you need me?”

  She nods.

  “If you stay, I’ll ask you to marry me.”

  He kisses her once on the lips and she opens her door, escaping the car quickly without a look back.

  Lying in bed, John hears Anna leave in her car before dawn. Peering out the window, he sees her headlights illuminate the street as she goes. He gets up and walks the beach, not returning for hours, instead watching the sunrise alone.

  When he goes back to the house for a fishing rod, Anna is sitting on the porch swing, rocking gently, watching his approach. He has a silly thought about loving something and setting it free. He didn’t think she’d come back, but he is glad she did. He knows making this work is going to be an uphill battle. He has to get his shit together and so does Anna. She needs to figure out how to connect all the parts of her. The Anna smiling in the photograph in Darfur, and the Anna that stayed with Dylan through the abuse, are like two separate people.

  He ignores the complications. “Hungry?”

  “Famished.”

  She looks exhausted. He’ll feed her and then she can rest. She walks into his arms and he knows he must find a way to keep her there.

  Later, they drive to Angel Oak. Anna hasn’t brought her camera to the tree in the daylight yet, and she takes hundreds of photos. When she is satisfied she has captured the magic of the oak, they sit on a blanket under its branches.

  “I didn’t even leave the island,” Anna admits. “I got five miles down the road and pulled over. John I didn’t mean to love you like this. I didn’t mean to love you at all. I meant to enjoy you and use the fuck out of you, just like you said that first day. While I do know a baby is in no way what you had in mind, it was my true intention from the start. Then I meant to leave. I knew it was wrong and I did it anyway.”

  John listens with an impassive expression on his face. He doesn’t interrupt.

  “What I did was hateful. I know it was. I don’t know how you’ll ever forgive me. I was deceptive and so selfish. It isn’t who I am John. I don’t know where it all came from.”

  She stops talking and after a few moments, he finally asks one question. “Why didn’t you go?”

  She answers without hesitation. “Because I do love you. I want a baby more than anything, but I can’t deny how I feel about you. I don’t know what the future holds for us, if anything, but I won’t run from you.”

  The relief shows on John’s face. She can’t believe how willing she was to hurt him. It was almost like she was possessed. Driving out of the driveway and away from John, she couldn’t get the car to move fast enough. After the first few miles, she knew she was moving in the wrong direction, but she kept on. It wasn’t until she saw the bridge that she knew she couldn’t cross it. John is the love of her life. She can’t pretend anymore that this summer has been about a sperm donation.

  “Grief can make us do crazy things Anna. I know that as well as anyone.”

  “Will you forgive me?” As she looks into his eyes, she knows he already has.

  “Before anyone is forgiving, let me come clean too. I knew you weren’t using birth control. You were right. I knew for weeks and I did let it happen. So there is nothing to forgive really. I’m as responsible as you are.” He plays with a chip of wood, rolling it between his fingers. “I was so fucking greedy Anna. I couldn’t stop myself. I didn’t want to stop it. If I am honest, there is a part of me that wanted it too. Wanted the baby, too. I know that sounds insane. This is hard to say, but I’m trying to be honest with you. I didn’t want to give you up and I knew a baby would bind us together.”

  She lays her head against his shoulder, understanding his need, no matter how poorly handled.

  “Will you marry me Anna?”

  “No John, I don’t think so.” She answers with nothing but love. “I don’t think marriage is the right thing for us now.”

  “Anna, there is a future here for us. We just have to find it."

  “Can’t we have a future without getting married? I feel like I’ve trapped you into this. It was not my intention. And what are our chances, really? John, has it occurred to you that we have been on vacation together for nearly three months. It has been a marvelous extended honeymoon. But what if we get into the real world, with all of our responsibilities, struggles, and all of our grief, and we can't make a go of it? We’ll hurt each other and neither of us needs more pain. And John, I don’t want to live with you. I am one hundred percent serious about that."

  “Anna this baby needs a family. She needs a mother and a father. If we try and it doesn't work out, divorce me."

  Anna is quiet, carefully considering his words, balancing the reason against the fear.

  "Then she has grandparents and cousins and Aunt Stephie and Uncle Bri. And a sister, Anna. A big sister. Isn't that everything you always wanted for yourself? Anna, she'll have a safety net."

  A family, Anna thinks. Oh my god this baby could have an actual family. Not estranged British grandparents but an actual family. “John, I really did mean to do this alone. I know you think I was going to rely on Pem, but that was not my intention.” She doesn’t want him to think of her as a needy mess.

  “Anna, you are a strong, independent woman. You have traveled the word. You are at the top of your profession. You were on fucking 60 Minutes which I watched after I dropped you off last night. I get the feeling you can move mountains.” He takes her hand in his, and she can feel his warmth, reassuring her.

  “Was John. I was at the top of my profession. I let it all go for Dylan.”

  “I will never ask you to let go of anything for me.”

  She can see how much he believes every word he is saying. She wants to believe him too. “We don’t know each other very well John,” she says.

  “I love you, you love me, and we are having a baby. We have some shit to work out, but we are a family already.”

  Anna feels the lump in her throat rising. He is absolutely right.

  "Tell me you don't know it. Stop looking for excuses to be without me. You know the pain of disappointment and loneliness. Trade that in for the pain and disappointment of being with me."

  "My god you make a good argument," she laughs. "I would need to reevaluate everything John. This has been my plan for years. I know this. I'm moving in with Pemberley and getting settled in New York. I’ll look for my own place. I have work lined up. Pemberley is going to take classes with me and be my birthing coach for god�
��s sake. My boxes are waiting there already. I'm registered for damn singing lessons in the fall. I'm making a life, for myself and the baby."

  “We will work it all out. Marry me.” He moves his hand to her face and holds his forehead to hers.

  “I’ll be terrified you’ll sue me for custody if we divorce.”

  “Pre-nup?” he smiles.

  “Really John.”

  “Anna I will never hurt you. Marry me.”

  Five

  They stand on John’s porch saying goodbye to their summer. Anna’s car is packed tight. John’s is parked under the house with the keys under the mat. "We'll come back here soon. As a family." John locks the door to 516 and they walk, hand in hand, to 517.

  "Honeymoon first, then baby, then wedding. What are we thinking?" Anna says locking the door. They end their summer on the steps of 517 where they met. Anna gives herself into John's embrace. She will try to trust him. She will believe the promise of a future they will share with their children. Anna hands her key to John. He removes both tags and switches them to their appropriate key, 516 to 516 and 517 to 517, disentangling them from each other. Anna takes the keys and hooks them chain to chain, binding them still.

  "That's more like it," he says. His lips find hers and his hands find her belly.

  The bell rings to Lynn’s cool air-conditioned office. Lynn gets up from a very well-organized oak desk and greets John and Anna much more warmly then she did three short months ago. "Thank you for the beautiful flowers, Anna. Let me see it.” Lynn reaches for Anna’s hand. The diamond is large and square, set into a simple silver band. Lynn is delighted. "I just knew you two were meant to be. I felt it in my bones."

  Anna takes both of Lynn's hands in hers. "Truly Lynn. Thank you for everything."

  John kisses Lynn's cheek and risks the hug. Lynn lets him. “You have been a good friend to me Lynn. I’ll never forget it. I brought you something.”

  John lays a plastic encased CD in her hand. “I found an old cassette recording from the beach and put it on a CD. Gerry’s on here too Lynn. Is this okay?” He isn’t sure.