On Tour

by Christina A. Burke

  "Oh, the usual," Aunt Pearl said. "Lotions, lingerie, man parts."

  Mammaw smiled and nodded. "I kept the lotion and gave Pearlie the lingerie and man parts."

  "Fat lotta good it did me," Aunt Pearl cackled.

  "The Ladies' Auxiliary raises money through basket bingo to fund The Meadows Citizen Assistance Program."

  "Yep," Aunt Pearl said. "Bought Agnes Filbert a new set of teeth last month."

  "Teeth?" I asked.

  "She's on a fixed income. Ain't got money for luxuries like new teeth."

  "What about her family?" I asked. Geez, poor woman had to get her teeth through basket bingo.

  Mammaw shook her head. "They do worry about her, but they're not able to help in the physical sense."

  Aunt Pearl must've seen my puzzled expression. "They're all dead. She's a hundred and three for cripe's sake! Now hurry up, I don't want to miss the donuts."

  She had me at donuts. "Basket Bingo it is!" And, hey, I might be hunted by a hitman, but at least I had my own teeth. I planned on adding a little something extra courtesy of the tour to the basket bingo pot today.

  Sherry Smithfield, Activities Director extraordinaire, greeted us as we entered the room off the main dining room that served as the bingo hall. Beautiful baskets wrapped in colored cellophane sat on tables near the front.

  "Well, there are my two favorite gals," Sherry called.

  "Oh, here she comes," Aunt Pearl grumbled as she steered her walker towards one of the tables near the front. "Can't stand a person that's always grinnin' at me."

  "And you must be, Diana," Sherry said, extending her hand to me. "I've heard so much about you. You're quite a famous person around these parts."

  She had a firm, cool grip, and her bright blue eyes had the starry look of a kindergarten teacher. Her smile was plastered to her face, but her interest seemed genuine. Shaking her hand gave me a chill. Despite all the evidence being circumstantial and her background checking out, there was something icky lurking just beneath the surface of Sherry Smithfield's enthusiastic veneer.

  "Thank you," I said. "But it's all just hype."

  "Not at all," she replied. "What brings you here?"

  "Diana got bugs in her condo," Aunt Pearl cut in. "Let's get this thing movin'. I'm feelin' lucky today." Aunt Pearl pointed towards the donuts, and I grabbed a handful for the three of us.

  Sherry excused herself and mounted the podium. I watched her go, making the decision to do a little investigating of my own after bingo.

  Aunt Pearl and Mammaw each used four cards. I started with one. A lady behind us had six cards lined up. It appeared the mental decline of the elderly ceased at the appearance of a bingo card.

  I saw Granddaddy's girlfriend, Margaret, and gave her a little wave. She smiled and nodded.

  A mind-numbing hour of letters and numbers passed with an elderly voice calling, "Bingo," every few minutes. Aunt Pearl grumbled each time someone won. I had a text from Andre checking in with me. I couldn't stop wondering how Mark's meeting was going. I was hoping to hear from him any minute.

  "Dad-burned fixed cards! I never win at this." I looked over Aunt Pearl's shoulder.

  "Aunt Pearl, you've got it. She just called B2." I pointed to her card.

  "BINGO!" she screamed, jumping up and down. "I won the big basket!" She beamed.

  "Oh, how nice, Pearlie," Mammaw murmured.

  Everyone clapped politely, but I could hear some grumbling. Wow, I never knew bingo was such a competitive sport. Aunt Pearl posed next to her giant basket as Sherry took her picture for the newsletter.

  As the room started to thin out, I told Aunt Pearl and Mammaw that I'd meet them at their room with the basket. With the excuse of making a donation to stay after so I could do some detective work of my own, I went to look for Sherry.

  I found her loading her car with more baskets.

  "That's a lot of baskets."

  She whipped around and smiled. "Yeah. I do basket bingo over at the The Pines, the sister facility in Dover."

  "Keeps you busy, I'm sure. I wanted to make a donation to the Ladies' Auxiliary fund." I handed her a check. "So how long have you been doing this type of work?"

  She took the check with barely a glance at it. "Oh, for a couple of years now. Thank you for the check. It is so appreciated. Say, I'm running really late. Do you mind giving me a hand with these baskets?"

  I obviously wasn't going to be able to make a career out of this detective thing. So far it had been a total strike out. "Sure." I went back into the hall and carried out two large baskets.

  She opened the trunk for me.

  "Just put them in there. Oh, make sure you push those to the back. I've got to fit a dozen more," she said coming around to the trunk.

  As I put the baskets inside, I asked, "So do you do a lot of scrapbooking when you're not teaching?" I leaned in and pushed the baskets towards the back. The trunk was full of craft supplies and bits of paper. I glanced down and saw a pile of scrapbooking paper. A feeling of unease coursed through me. I felt her behind me.

  "Such a funny question," she almost whispered, "when you've seen all my best work."

  I felt a stabbing pain in my head, and then fell forward into darkness.

  * * *

  I awoke to the feeling of the car bumping around on the road. My head throbbed. My hands were tied tightly behind my back, and there was a piece of tape across my mouth. My phone was in my front pocket, and I had no way to reach the distress button on the bracelet at this angle. I was screwed.

  I couldn't believe I'd let myself get taken out by Susie Sunshine. I banged my head on the carpeted floor and got a piece of paper stuck to my forehead.

  The car came to a screeching halt. I heard the door open and then her voice above me.

  "Rise and shine, Sleeping Beauty," she called, tapping on the trunk. "Hear that? That's my gun. If you give me any problems, I'm going to shoot you in the head. I don't care if it doesn't look like an accident. This has been the worst job I've ever taken on."

  She opened the trunk, and bright sunlight flooded the dark space. I blinked, looking up at her. Gone was Susie Sunshine. In her place was a cold blooded killer pointing a wicked looking gun in my face.

  She stared at my forehead. "What's on your head?" She leaned in and laughed. "It's a punch flower. A daisy. How ironic."

  I wasn't sure what she was talking about so I just growled at her.

  "You may have gotten by the rest. But I promise you," she said, leaning in closer and looking straight into my eyes, "I'll kill you if it's the last thing I do. The only question here, is it going to be the easy way or the hard way?"

  I stared back at her. She was not smiling anymore. I tried to say something through the tape.

  She shook her head. "Not happening. I don't care what you have to say. You've had a rough couple of months. It's all been too much for you. And besides the drugs have started to take over your life, haven't they?" She nodded, hooked her arms through mine, and dragged me out of the trunk. My feet were untied, and for a second I glanced wildly around the wooded area.

  "Run and I'll shoot you. I don't miss," she added. "Sit down on that stump," she ordered. I went over to the stump which was more of a hollowed out tree and sat down. My wrists brushed against the jagged bark and wood. I angled my wrist left and right trying to maneuver the button on the bracelet to face outward.

  "You've become a problem for the entire assassin community, you know that? I mean if The Spider can't take out one feeble-minded singer, then maybe folks would be better off taking care of their problems themselves. Well, I'm ending it today." She dug around in a bag and produced a syringe and needle.

  The bracelet face connected with the wood, and I pressed back hard. I could feel the click as the panic button was triggered. I wasn't sure how far we'd driven, but judging from the sun, not much time had passed. I was pretty sure my phone would've been buzzing if I'd missed my next check-in time with Andre. Maybe they would reach me in tim
e.

  "Now this is only going to hurt for a second, and then you'll go to dream land. Just one more rock star tragedy. And I'll be the next Spider. I still can't believe I was forced to compete against the likes of Sal Bonanno." Her lips curled as she said his name. "What a loser. I have the lineage, I have the pristine resume!" Her voice rose with each word. Then she became calm again. "But lucky for you, huh?" She smiled down at me. "If not for my scrapbook letters, you'd be dead by now. I guess that might be considered cheating. But my Gram always said assassins make their own rules." She laughed crazily and bent down with the needle in her hand.

  I let her get within a foot of me, and then I leaned back and kicked her square in the chest using both my legs. The force of it propelled her backwards. The needle flew from her hand. She'd left her gun on the bumper of the car.

  I stood up and raced to where she fell, determined to keep her on the ground. My foot caught on a tree stump and I went flying. I heard a shriek right before my body connected with hers. Without my hands to catch myself I landed hard across her mid-section.

  Her breath left her in a woosh, and she gasped for air. As I scrambled to get off of her, she bucked and flipped me onto my back. I felt her small hands grasping for my neck and then digging into the soft flesh and squeezing mightily. I tried to take a breath and couldn't. I started to panic and kick wildly, but I couldn't shake her. I thought I heard a car in the distance, but it was probably just wishful thinking.

  "You are such a pain in the ass," she ranted. "Just die already!"

  I heard voices over her curses, and then there was a loud click. "I really know how you feel, but I can't let you kill her. My two favorite men would never speak to me again." The sound of Marsha's voice was music to my ears.

  Suddenly, I could breath. Air rushed back into my lungs. I struggled to draw air in just through my nose. And then Andre was at my side, untying my hands and gently removing the tape on my mouth. He gathered me in his arms.

  "Are you okay?"

  "I think so," I croaked. My throat was raw like I had strep or something.

  He peered at my neck. "That's going to look bad tomorrow." Then he looked at my forehead. "What's that?"

  "A daisy I think." I reached up and pulled it off my forehead.

  "Well, no pushin' up daisies this time." He smiled at me.

  "That's not even funny."

  "A little help here, please," Marsha called. "Hire-a-hitman over here is flipping out." Marsha gave Sherry a karate chop to the shoulder, and Sherry went down like a sack of potatoes.

  "Looks like you got it under control," Andre replied.

  Marsha looked down at her hand. "Great," she grumbled, "I broke a nail. Do you mind carrying her back to the car?"

  "Yes, ma'am." Andre grabbed Sherry and threw her over his shoulder effortlessly. She shrieked like a scalded cat and vowed vengeance.

  "Thanks, Marsha," I said sincerely. "That was too close." I offered her my hand.

  Marsha eyed me for a moment, and then she took my hand. "It's never boring."

  * * *

  I checked my phone while we waited for the police. Once we gave our statements, Andre was going to take me back to The Grands. Nothing from Mark, and his phone went straight to voicemail. Marsha and Andre hadn't heard from him either. He was supposed to be on a plane back to Philly at three. He'd be cutting it close if he was still in with Sal Bonanno.

  Three police cars roared to a stop in front of us. Six officers got out, all with their hands resting on their guns. Marsha showed her ID and gave them a rundown of the situation.

  Two of the officers handcuffed Sherry, and two others took pictures and put evidence in bags.

  "Wait," the officer in charge said. "You're Diana Hudson?"

  "Yes," I croaked and nodded.

  "Hey, Jonas, here's our APB." He pointed at me.

  "No shit! She's the 10-56A?" A young officer came closer to get a better look at me. "You try to hang yourself?" he asked, with a nod at my neck.

  "No!" I cried. "That woman in the car did this to me. She tried to kill me."

  "Uh," he said. "That's not what your note said."

  "What note?"

  "The one you left on the gift basket outside your grannies' door. They called the police. Everybody's searching for you."

  I rolled my eyes. "Oh, God, we've got to get back."

  Andre drove me back to the apartment building while Marsha wrapped things up with the police.

  Both of my parent's vehicles were parked in the fire lane. My sister's van was right behind them. Oh, boy. My phone rang. It was Mark.

  "Hi, I can only talk a minute," he said. "The assassin is a woman, and she knows you're at The Meadows. I think she might even be on staff."

  I shook my head. "Yep, found that out the hard way."

  I could hear the sharp intake of his breath. "Are you okay?"

  "A little bruised. She's in custody. I need to go in and explain to my family that I didn't try to commit suicide."

  A couple of seconds of silence, then, "I'm sure you'll fill me in on all the details, right?"

  "Of course."

  "I'm boarding now. I'll check on you as soon as I land. I'm so sorry I wasn't there in time." His voice caught slightly.

  "I made it," I said softly.

  "I love you, Diana."

  "I love you too."

  CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE

  Shrieks and screams greeted me when I reached the apartment. Max gave me a big hug and yipped at me for leaving him alone. It took me a full hour to convince everyone I wasn't depressed or on drugs.

  "You sure shootin' git yerself in a world o' trouble, girl," Granddaddy said as he chomped a piece of beef jerky he'd bummed off Dan.

  "Well, it all makes sense I guess," said Ashley picking up her purse. She had to get the kids to swim practice. "Sherry followed your moves through The Grands and made all those wacky scrapbook pictures so she could bump you off herself."

  "Now that's what I call an on-the-job interview. Sounds like somethin' Donald Trump would make a TV show about," Dan said, referring to The Spider tryouts.

  Andre nodded. "It'll be interesting to hear what Mark found out from Sal Bonanno. It looks like from what we can piece together the candidates compete to become The Spider. And the hits credited to The Spider go back decades. So who knows how many Spiders there have been over the years."

  "Seems like Sis managed to dodge more 'n one bullet." He slapped me on the back.

  My father shook his head. "I guess life is stranger than fiction. You got to watch the company you keep for sure. Anyway, I'm just glad you're okay, honey." He kissed my forehead.

  "Yes," my step-mother, Anne, said, "and this is finally over for you. Right?"

  I wasn't sure how to answer her. I wouldn't feel comfortable until I had all the details from Mark. I didn't want them to worry anymore so I gave her an affirmative nod.

  My mother grabbed me in a bear hug. Her makeup was smeared from crying. "You gave us a scare, girl!" she scolded.

  My step-father, Dave, nodded behind her. "This wouldn't have happened if you'd told us why you were really staying here with The Grands. We thought all this was over."

  The Grands grumbled in agreement. No one was happy that I'd been hiding something this serious from them. Oh, well, they'd all get over it eventually. I glanced over at Ashley, thinking I could deflect some of the criticism by pointing out that she'd known why I was here. But my throat was killing me, and I wanted to lie down. Besides, Ashley and I had found some common ground over the last couple of weeks, and I didn't want to mess it up by throwing her under the bus.

  "I'll brew you up some eucalyptus tea for yer throat when I get back from dinner," Aunt Pearl said as she shuffled to the door behind the rest of my family.

  "Would you like us to bring you back something, dear?" Mammaw asked.

  I declined. I wasn't sure I could stomach potatoes au gratin and cloved ham.

  "You okay?" Andre asked after they'd all filed
out.

  I nodded. "My throat's killing me, and I'd really like a martini, but otherwise I'm good."

  "I got a text from Mark that his plane's landed and he's going to the police station first. He wants to corroborate some of Bonanno's statements. He could be awhile. Marsha says Sherry's not talking much. How about you take a nap, and I'll go out and get you some martini fixings?"

  "That would be heavenly! Marsha doesn't deserve you, you know," I said.

  "Hey, she saved your butt today."

  I pursed my lips. "You're right. She cares more than she lets on."

  His hand was on the door. "Oh, I know," he said and gave me a big smile.

  Max and I had just snuggled up on the couch with a big, crocheted blanket over us when a light knock sounded at the door.

  I looked through the peephole and opened the door.

  Margaret stepped inside carrying a tupperware container. "Hello, dear, I'm so sorry to disturb you, but—" she sneezed loudly. "Oh, my. You have a dog." She looked over at Max. He gave her a look and then went back to snoozing under the quilt. "I-I-" She sneezed again. "I just heard from your grandfather about your terrible ordeal. I've brought you some of my famous chicken soup to sooth your throat."

  She opened the lid and the amazing aroma of home-made chicken soup seeped out. My stomach rumbled its approval.

  "It smells delicious," I said, taking the container from her.

  "Oh, no," she said taking the container back. "You go sit down. After everything you've been through, poor dear. I'll bring you a bowl."

  She bustled into the kitchen with another loud sneeze. "I think I'll just heat it up a touch in the microwave."

  Max sniffed curiously over the back of the couch at Margaret in the kitchen. "Not for you," I chided. I sat thinking about everything that had just transpired. I was reeling from it all. I felt terrible that my family had thought I had committed suicide. Margaret came back in and handed me a steaming bowl of soup.

  "Thanks so much," I said and dug in. My mind drifted back to Sherry and my abduction. I felt like I was missing something.

  "I'll just tidy up in here. I made a bit of a mess in the microwave." My phone rang.