by Crowne, KC
Christopher walked over and gave Mama G a peck on her cheek, and the old woman’s face lit up. She loved her grandson dearly, and in that moment, I could tell Christopher loved her too. I could only hope my little pep talk did the job.
Silas
From the look on Molly’s face when she came back down, I could tell that she and Christopher had gotten into it.
I wouldn’t ever want her to turn her rueful look toward me – she might’ve looked innocent on the outside, but I could sense a strength in her, one that she could tap into when it was time to stick up for herself.
But then Christopher came down, and something in him had changed. Molly looked surprised but pleased with herself. She’d gotten through to my son, and for that, I was thankful. Lord knew I couldn’t do it myself.
As we finished breakfast, I knew that the clock was ticking. They had to leave pretty soon after breakfast. They had a fairly early flight and the drive to Houston was at least an hour. I wasn’t sure if Molly had packed or was ready to leave, but she didn’t seem eager to go back upstairs. She helped Mama G in the kitchen, and their laughter warmed my heart. Mama G really liked her; it was a shame she wasn’t really going to be part of the family. She could really fit in here, even for a city girl.
Christopher also helped Mama G. I wanted to speak to him in private before he left, but it was hard to get any time with just him. He seemed to be glued to Molly or Mama G’s side all morning.
I heard footsteps coming down the stairs as we finished cleaning up. I was in the dining room, wiping down the table, when I heard voices in the kitchen.
Molly stepped into the room.
We were alone for the first time since the night before.
“So I guess this is it,” she said.
“Are you packed and ready?” I asked her.
“Yes, made sure of it last night.”
“Good. I’d hate for you to be late.” I ran my hand over my face. There wasn’t much else I could say. Did I want her to leave? Hell no, but I didn’t know her that well and I couldn’t ask her to stay. She had a life back in New York. A life that didn’t include me. She was young and had so much in front of her still. Not to mention, I could only imagine that my son would not approve of anything that had happened between his friend and me.
I heard Christopher’s voice in the other room but couldn’t make out what he said. We both looked in the direction from which it came.
“I should talk to him, I guess. Haven’t really had a chance,” I said.
“Yeah, he’s a hard person to nail down.”
I walked toward the doorway, and Molly stepped out of the way. I glanced down at her, our arms brushing against one another. Without thinking, I reached out and ran my fingers over her skin, savoring her softness one last time.
“Silas, I—”
Before Molly could finish, footsteps came toward the dining room. I stepped away just in time, as Christopher walked into the room.
“I’m going to give you a few minutes alone,” Molly said, scooting off toward the kitchen.
Christopher didn’t look me in the eye. Normally when we’d talk, he would stand as if ready for battle. But not this time. He slumped a bit, looking uncomfortable, but not defensive. That was a first.
“Listen, son,” I began. “I don’t know what you want me to say. I’m sorry I wasn’t part of your life growing up and I’d do anything to change that.”
“It’s alright, Dad. I know it wasn’t your fault, and I know you did your best.”
That surprised me.
“I’d like to get to know you better now, if you’ll let me. I know it seems like I didn’t accept you for who you were. I was just scared, son. I wanted to keep you close to me, to make up for all the lost time and all you wanted to do was run away again.” I sighed. “I realize now that I was wrong. You weren’t necessarily running from me, you were running toward the only thing you’d ever really known.”
Christopher’s expression softened and his posture relaxed.
“And I just want you to know that no matter what - I will always love you, just as you are. Nothing will ever change that.”
“Thank you, Dad.” His voice was soft, cracking a bit. I thought he might cry, but he smiled at me instead - a genuine smile. “And I love you too, even if you can be a dick sometimes.”
“Hey, I own it. I know I can be difficult to be around,” I joked. “But I’m trying to be better, Christopher. I just want to get to know you.”
“Please don’t tell me we’re going to hug this out,” he said.
“No, we don’t have to,” I chuckled. “Unless you want to, of course,”
“I’m fine,” he said, holding his hands up. “I’m not one for physical affection.”
“At least you get some things from me, I guess.”
We shared a smile. I felt like, for the first time, I’d gotten through to him. Like we’d connected. I didn’t know what changed, but he seemed to be in better spirits than he had over the last week. It was a shame he had to leave so soon.
“Please tell me you’ll come back and visit us. I know you hate it, but we love having you here. It really brightens up Mama G’s life. You’re her only grandbaby, after all.”
“I know, I know, Dad,” Christopher said. “I’ll try.”
“One last thing,” I added. “Be good to Molly, will ya? She’s a good woman.”
“I’ll try. Speaking of which, I should probably grab her and head out.”
We parted ways, him heading back into the kitchen. I heard the two of them talking amongst themselves. Christopher’s voice was raised ever slightly.
I was on the verge of leaving the dining room and meeting the rest of my brothers in the living room, where they’d gathered to say goodbye to everyone. As I passed the kitchen however, I overheard Christopher’s voice.
“Molly, you don’t understand what it’s like. You’re a virgin. What do you know about having a relationship? You’ve never had one.”
My heart stopped and I froze mid-step.
Ooo000ooo
“I’m just going to use the bathroom real quick.” Molly’s voice came from the living room.
I was headed in there to say goodbye to the two of them, but I stopped in place. I was in the hallway leading to the nearest restroom. I needed to talk to her before she left.
I needed to know.
Molly turned the corner and saw me, her face lighting up. “Silas,” she whispered, stepping closer to me, “I was hoping to find you alone before I left.”
Her eyes never looked so blue or pure, causing my breath to catch in my throat.
“I wanted to talk to you too,” I said. “I have a question for you.”
She cocked her head to the side, a confused look on her face. “Go on, you first.”
“I overheard something, and I just want to know if it’s true.” I spoke slowly, trying to find the best way to explain. I didn’t want her to think I was eavesdropping. “Was I the first man you’ve ever been with?”
Her eyes were as wide as the dinner plates, and her mouth opened to a perfect O, but no sound came out.
“Tell me the truth, Molly,” I pushed. “I need to know.”
“I’d never been with someone before you.”
I closed my eyes and let out a whistle of air. Oh fuck, I thought. I couldn’t believe that I had been her first. Her first time was in a fucking barn on a bale of hay. It should have been special. A girl like her? She could have had any number of men, so she must have been saving herself for someone and then I came along and fucked it all up.
“Silas, I know what you must be thinking.”
“I don’t think you do.” I opened my eyes and found it hard to look at her sweet face. I had taken something from her. Yes, she had wanted me as badly as I wanted her, but we weren’t in our right minds to make such a choice. Had I known, I could have prevented all of that, or so I told myself. In all honesty, I hadn’t had much control in the moment.
&nb
sp; “I don’t regret it, if that’s what you’re thinking,” she said. “I just hadn’t found the right guy, didn’t really have much time for dating. My virginity isn’t tied to my virtue or anything That’s some sexist old-fashioned bullshit, if you ask me.”
I raised an eyebrow. Sometimes she could really surprise me. “So you don’t care that it wasn’t special?”
“Who says it wasn’t?” Her voice cracked slightly, betraying her true feelings. “I’ll never forget it, that’s for sure.”
“And you’re ok with giving it to someone you might never see again?”
She shrugged. “I’m a big girl, Silas. It’s not ideal, but it is what it is. We can’t be together for a ton of reasons, and I can handle that. I’m not a fragile little flower that’s gonna wilt in the sun.”
Jesus, if I wasn’t about to fall for this girl. “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be sorry,” she said with a chuckle.
“Molly? We need to go!” Christopher called from the other room.
“You’d better hurry. What did you want to tell me?” I asked.
“I just wanted to say goodbye to you properly,” she said.
“Properly?”
Before I could finish, she stood on her tiptoes and planted her lips on mine. I stood there, stunned for a moment. Her lips were soft and warm and impossible to not kiss back. I held her against me, forgetting that my mother or son could walk in on us at any time.
I kissed her like we’d never kiss again.
Molly
“Jamie and Mickey got us VIP passes to the new club opening down the street, but let me guess, you don’t feel like going out.”
“Not really,” I said softly. “Tell them I appreciate the offer, but I’m too stressed about the job search right now.”
“Bummer,” Christopher muttered under his breath, his eyes on his phone as he typed up a text.
“Go, have fun without me,” I offered. “I’d be a downer anyway.”
He finished his message and moved from his bed over to mine, sitting next to me. “Are you sure it’s just stress about the job hunt? You haven’t been the same since we got back from the ranch.”
We’d gotten back three weeks prior, but everything had been a blur. I’d spent all my time head down, looking for jobs, hoping and praying that something would come along before I was forced to be a goddamn bike messenger or something just to pay my half of the bills.
But I hadn’t been the same. Not simply because I no longer wanted to go out to the clubs, but because there was a distance between us now. I had kept something from him, a huge secret, and I wasn’t sure how I felt about it. Not to mention I saw our relationship a bit differently since the trip.
I’d messed up and I couldn’t talk to the one person I normally talked to about everything. I loved with him dearly, but I didn’t feel the need to tell him everything about my life anymore. I also didn’t feel like spending every waking minute together because he would often grate on my nerves after a while.
I had a lot on my mind.
I was getting over Silas, grieving the loss of what we could have had if distance and a million other complexities weren’t involved.
“You know, you’re never going to get laid if you stay cooped up in the house all the time?”
It was his normal teasing, but it hit a nerve.
“Who says I want to get laid?” My tone was harsher than I’d intended for it to be, but I wasn’t sorry. He liked to tease me about being a virgin every chance he could get, and while it used to be funny, now I saw it as something different.
He thought I knew nothing about relationships or feelings. He thought I was naive and stupid, all because in his mind, I hadn’t gotten laid.
“Sorry, just thought you might like to lose that v-card eventually,” he said, his apology mostly sincere.
Before I could stop myself, the words just fell from my mouth. “Who says I’m still a virgin?”
Christopher laughed, but when I didn’t join in the laughter, he stopped and stared at me. “Come on, Molly. We both know you haven’t gotten laid. Why lie to me?”
It was too late to take it back. “I’m not lying. Believe it or not, you don’t know everything about me, Christopher.”
I stood up and moved away from the bed and him. Our apartment wasn’t very big, so I went to the tiny, pitiful excuse for a kitchen. I stood at the sink, facing the wall, not wanting to look at him.
“Wait, so who? When?”
“It’s none of your business,” I retorted. “I know more than you give me credit for. So you can stop making fun of me for it anytime now.”
Christopher didn’t say anything for a long time. I knew he was still there because there was nowhere else he could go, but the room felt empty.
I wished I could be alone.
I wished he would just head out, giving me time to myself. I wasn’t depressed, but I also didn’t feel like going out. Not to mention, I wasn’t sure what else was going on with me. My period was late, and it was never late. I was kicking myself for not using protection or at least getting the morning after pill. Everything had just happened so fast, and I wasn’t even sure where I could have gotten the pill in the middle-of-nowhere Texas.
Tears welled in my eyes, but I wiped them away. I pushed away all thoughts of a possible pregnancy. It did no good to worry about it until I had answers. With my eyes full of tears, I turned back around and found Christopher looking at me with hurt in his eyes.
“What is it?” I asked. “Why are you looking at me like that? Can’t I have a life of my own?”
“Of course, Molly,” he murmured. “I just never realized you felt that way before. You should have told me it bothered you that I joked about you being a virgin. I didn’t mean anything by it.”
Christopher stood up and walked over to me. I wanted to step away, to give us some distance, but I had nowhere to go. He took me by the shoulders and stared into my eyes, his steely gaze reminding me of his father’s.
That was another reason for the distance. It was hard looking at him without seeing Silas and being reminded of him.
I averted my gaze.
“Molly, I love you, you’re my best friend and the best person I know. I know I’ve been a selfish prick lately, but I count on you to call me out on it before it gets this bad. I’m sorry that I hurt you. I never meant to.”
Hearing him apologize and acknowledge what he’d done wrong did help. It helped a lot.
“I love you too,” I said, feeling the tears returning. “I just—well, I saw how you treated your family, especially your grandmother, and I realized that you don’t treat me all that great either sometimes. I’m supposed to be your best friend, I’m there for you when you need me, but I don’t always feel like you’re there for me when I need you. Especially lately.”
Christopher let out a deep sigh. I knew this was hard for him to hear. The fact that he hadn’t once rolled his eyes or made a snarky comment meant a lot. He was listening.
“I’ve been so caught up with Tyler that I haven't been a good friend. I’m sorry about that, and I’ll be better, I promise.” He lifted my face, forcing me to look into his eyes. “Can you forgive me, bestie?”
“I haven’t been the best of friends to you either,” I said slowly. Molly, don’t you dare -- you’d be hurting more than your friendship with him. Christopher and Silas seemed to make some progress in their relationship. It would be selfish to admit to it now and potentially put more strain on that relationship.
“Nah, you’re perfect. You’re the best, Molly, and I mean it. Even my dad had nice things to say about you.”
His words tugged at my heart. I closed my eyes, fearing they’d give away something. I just kept reminding myself not to say anything, not to blurt out what happened. No matter how guilty I felt, I couldn’t tell him.
Ooo000ooo
“Have fun in Vegas,” I said.
“Oh, I will,” Christopher said with a grin. “Are you sure you’re o
kay being alone?”
“I think I might get spoiled having the place to myself for a bit,” I teased. “So go, don’t worry about me.”
I was sitting on my bed, my laptop in front of me and about forty windows open with job postings. I was terrified I’d never find a job. Some days I wished I had rich parents to invest in me, to help me open my own business. The industry was hard to break into, but I’d proven time and time again that I had the chops to design. It was working for other people that I struggled with, especially when I wasn’t given the creative control I desired. I didn’t go into this industry to let others tell me what I could design - I wanted to create, I wanted to design. And most of the jobs were for people who didn’t believe in giving out that kind of autonomy.
At that moment, I’d be grateful for anything that would help pay the bills.
Christopher headed out and the apartment was all mine. I would say it was quiet, but that would be a lie. I used to think it was quiet when I was there alone, but ever since I’d been to the ranch, I knew what true silence was like.
Here, there were always cars out on the street and people walking around upstairs. The elevator was right by us, so the beeping and the sound of it opening was almost constantly in the background. Tuning it out had never been a problem before, but I craved true silence. It was weird, but I actually found myself yearning for more time in Texas, and not just because of Silas.
I went back to work, but the open tab on my laptop wasn’t a job posting.
It was a travel site. I had typed in the dates and searched for flights to Houston. I did that a lot, dreaming mostly. I knew I couldn’t go back, especially alone. That would just be weird.
But there were other reasons I was searching too.
My period was officially a month late. At first, I’d chalked it up to stress over being jobless, but as one week turned into four, I couldn’t ignore it any longer.
I’d had no privacy in the apartment until now, and I’d put this moment off long enough. I reached under my bed and pulled out the Duane Reade bag. Inside were three pregnancy tests.
