The Wrong Kind of Love

by Lexi Ryan

  He slides into me a fraction of the way, his eyes floating closed. When he opens them, he kisses me and slides fully in. He feels so good. So close and deep. My body instantly tightens around him, coiling in pleasure I’ve never found so quickly.

  He sucks at my neck between whispered words in my ear. “I love the way you move.” “I can’t stop thinking about how you taste.” “You’re so beautiful when you come.”

  The shower rains down on us as he loves me with his body and his words, and when I come in his arms, my fears in that moment disintegrate and are washed down the drain right along with my well-intended boundaries.

  Nicole

  I’m pretty sure every time one of the Jackson siblings looks at me, they can tell Ethan and I just had shower sex. As if it’s written on my skin or something. But no one says anything, even when Ethan throws me looks at the dinner table that seem to say he can’t wait to do it again.

  Jackson family dinner is a boisterous affair. The kitchen counters are overflowing with food, and the dining room table barely fits everyone. There are half a dozen conversations going on at any given moment, and Lilly is so full of energy she’s bouncing in her seat. But I’m nearly oblivious to it all, because I’m so focused on the hot tension between me and Ethan, the charge in the air that promises there’s more to come. When he takes the seat next to me at the dining room table, I can’t think about anything else.

  “Is Ava joining us, Jake?” Brayden asks. “I thought she’d be here by now.”

  Jake shakes his head and points out at the snow. “The snow hasn’t slowed all day. She doesn’t want to get stuck here, so she decided she’d better not drive out.”

  Carter gives Jake a pointed look. “Damn shame. Maybe if you were snowed in together, you’d finally find your balls where she’s concerned.”

  Jake’s jaw hardens and he avoids his brother’s eyes. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

  “Nothing worse than wasting attraction by refusing to acknowledge it,” Levi says.

  Carter grunts. “Hey, pot, meet kettle.”

  Levi flashes him a warning glare. “Don’t.”

  I shoot a questioning glance to Ethan, and his lips quirk uncharacteristically. He dips his head to whisper in my ear, “Jake’s been in love with his best friend, Ava, most of his life, but he won’t admit it. Honestly, we all had to pretend he wasn’t for a long time because she was married to an asshole, but that’s over now. If you see him making eyes at her, do like the rest of us do and pretend you don’t notice.” He shakes his head. “One of these days, she’ll come around. She’s practically a sister to us already. They might as well make it legal.”

  I grin. I’m learning there are a lot of sides to Ethan, and I like this side—family Ethan, brother Ethan, these are my people Ethan. Fuck the nanny in the shower Ethan. “And what about Levi? The whole pot-and-kettle thing?”

  The humor falls from his face. “That one’s more complicated.”

  I fold my arms and arch a brow, waiting.

  Ethan sighs. “He has a thing for his best friend’s girl, who happens to be Ava’s best friend.” His jaw is hard when he says it. Clearly, Ethan isn’t as supportive of Levi’s secret love as he is of Jake’s. “Obviously he’s not going to do anything about it. So, they’re just friends.”

  “Oh.” My gaze drifts across the table. I wonder if Ava has any idea about Jake. I totally missed that vibe between them, but I’ve never been great at picking up on stuff like that. I look back to Ethan, who’s helping Lilly cut her turkey. I can’t imagine any girl would want to be just friends with any of the Jackson boys.

  I know I don’t.

  “You probably need to plan on staying the night yourself, Nic,” Carter says, gesturing toward me with his fork. “The roads are getting pretty nasty out there. If you wait until tomorrow, it will be a lot safer.”

  Ethan smirks. “Yeah. Definitely safer if you stay.” He winks at me, and my insides shimmy.

  The truth is, driving in the snow is still new to me, and I’m not great at it. I don’t like the idea of driving home on slick roads in the dark. “Is there room for me?”

  “Plenty of room,” Jake says. “There’s room for everyone at the Jackson cabin.”

  “You can sleep in the bunk room with me,” Lilly says, clapping her hands.

  “I’m not sure how your dad’s gonna feel about that, kid,” Levi says, and Carter gives him an elbow to the ribs.

  Our attention is pulled from our plates at the sound of a phone ringing—a normal phone ring, not a ringtone on someone’s cell.

  Ethan pushes away from the table and grabs a handset from the kitchen. “Hello?” When he walks back into the dining room, his expression is grim. “Don’t worry about it, Mom. She’ll understand. . . Of course you did, but it’s not a big deal. Let me put her on.” He holds his hand over the receiver and looks at Lilly. “Nana can’t video-chat today. She can’t get her internet to work right. But she wants to talk to you.”

  My chest feels tight. The treatments must be taking a greater toll on Kathleen than she expected. She’s sounded so tired lately, and I imagine it’s easier to hide that on the phone than on camera.

  “I wanted to see her face,” Lilly says. Her little chin wobbles.

  “I know, baby, but we’re going to have to try another time.” He holds out the phone. “You can at least hear her voice.”

  She nods and takes the receiver. “Hi, Nana. I miss you so much.” A tear slides down her cheek, but she keeps her chin high and her voice even. What an amazing kid. “Tell me what you saw today.”

  “I still think she’s hooking up with a secret lover over there,” Jake says.

  Brayden groans. “Don’t talk about Mom like that.”

  “The whole thing happened too fast, if you ask me. One second, we’re planning a typical Thanksgiving, and the next, she’s got this trip,” Carter says. “It’s not like Mom to miss the holidays.”

  “Because she’s never gotten the chance to do a damn thing for herself,” Brayden says. “Europe is crawling with tourists over the summer. A winter trip makes perfect sense.”

  I stare at my plate. It’s piled with delicious home-cooked foods, but suddenly I don’t have any appetite at all. I’m not only lying about my name. I’m holding Kathleen’s secret, and if she never comes home, I’m not sure any of her children will forgive me for failing to tell them they needed to say their goodbyes.

  Worse than knowing they all might hate me is feeling like they’d be right.

  “You really didn’t have to help me,” Shay says. “We rotate which sibling does the dishes at family dinners, and it’s my turn.”

  I shrug. “I don’t mind. I’m not a big football person anyway.”

  “Shh! Don’t say that around here.” She gives a conspicuous glance over each shoulder before turning back to me with a grin. She reaches up to the cabinet over her head to slide in a big serving bowl.

  It’s just the two of us in the kitchen. The boys have all gone to the basement to watch the football game. When I left them down there, Lilly was curled up on Ethan’s lap, still pretty upset about not getting to do her video chat.

  I’m washing the dishes that didn’t fit in the dishwasher, and Shay is drying them and putting them away.

  “Nicole?” Shay says quietly. “Can we talk for a minute while everyone is downstairs?”

  “Sure.”

  She grabs the bowl I just rinsed, and when she cuts her eyes to me, I feel like she’s waiting for me to say more. “It’s about your sister, Veronica.”

  That’s the moment I realize she just called me Nicole and not Nic. The blood drains from my face. “What? I’m sorry, what did you call me?”

  “Nic isn’t short for Veronica, is it? It would be strange for a girl to use that as her nickname when her sister’s name is Nicole.”

  I stare at the sudsy water. “Very strange.”

  “I thought something was off when you moved in, but then Ethan said
something about your meds the other day.”

  I frown. I thought the issue of my antidepressants had already been resolved.

  She slides the bowl onto a shelf, turns back to me, and folds her arms. “When Mom was still picking between applicants, she told me she asked Veronica about mental illness and medication. It was the one thing Ethan insisted on. Your sister told her about you, and Mom told me. She thought it would be good for Ethan to have someone living with him who understood what it was like to love someone who struggles with depression the way Elena did.”

  I look around the kitchen to make sure we’re still alone. Even when I confirm there’s no one close enough to hear us, I keep my voice low. “Why didn’t you say anything when you realized who I was?”

  “I wasn’t entirely sure at first, but Mom confirmed.”

  “Really?” Half the reason I’ve kept this secret was for her.

  Shay’s face twists. “I know Mom’s sick. I noticed the postmarks on all the postcards were from Germany, and I started to get suspicious. Why would Mom be in Germany and pretend she’s traveling Europe? I guessed cancer. She’s been run-down, getting tired too quickly. My brothers think it’s old age, but I knew it was worse than that. I wish I’d been wrong.” She stares into space, and I can see the devastation in the set of her jaw and the circles under her eyes. She’s been carrying this alone.

  “I wish you’d been wrong too,” I whisper.

  “I called her earlier this week and told her I knew she was sick. She didn’t deny it. I think maybe she was even a little relieved to talk to me about what was happening.”

  “I’m sorry I couldn’t tell you. I tried to convince her to stay.”

  “I was so pissed at you at first. So pissed.” She shakes her head and sighs. “But then I realized it wasn’t your secret to tell.”

  “I know. Can you convince her to come home?”

  “I want her to. This is where she should be, but she’s scared we’re all going to have to watch her die.” She looks away. “And I understand why she wouldn’t want Lilly and Ethan to see her dying at Christmas. So . . .” She swipes at her cheeks and shrugs. “I decided to let her be until January. I want you to do the same.”

  I blink at her. “You want me not to ask your mom to come home until January?”

  “I want us both to keep our secrets until then.”

  Only when my stomach sinks do I realize I’ve half planned to tell Ethan the truth. I have to find a way to try, don’t I? “I hate the lie, Shay. I want to tell Ethan.”

  She nods. “You should. But not until after Christmas. Christmas is hard enough for him, and I’m afraid . . .”

  “Jake told me Elena had a heart attack, but that’s not true, is it?”

  Her big brown eyes are filled with tears. “That’s what Ethan tells everyone. We love him too much to call him on the lie. Besides, technically, I guess it’s true. She had a heart attack . . . even if she made it happen.”

  I squeeze my eyes shut. Poor Ethan, losing his wife to suicide and then finding himself with a lover who struggles with depression. I’m not suicidal, and I’m so hyper-conscious of not abusing drugs to cope that I rarely even drink, but I understand why seeing me with those pills would have upset him. “I planned on leaving in February. I’ve applied for all these jobs so he would never have to find out the truth.”

  Her face wilts. “You can’t leave, Nic. Please don’t. I think he’s in love with you.”

  “I know I’m in love with him. Which is why I can’t keep lying.”

  She squeezes my hand. “Just one month. For my family. Please? And then I’ll help you tell him, and we’ll work together to get Mom home.”

  Nicole

  “What’d we miss?” Shay asks when we make our way down to the basement to join the rest of the family.

  I feel eyes on me from across the room, and turn to see Ethan. He’s seated in one of the dark leather recliners with his feet up and Lilly sleeping in his lap. His eyes don’t leave mine when I look at him, and my stomach flutters as I wonder if he’s thinking about where I’ll sleep tonight.

  I rush to action rather than give that question any thought of my own. I cross the room and crouch next to his chair. “I’ll get her to bed.”

  He’s still studying me. “It’s fine. I’ve got her.”

  “I’ll help.” I reach out to bring Lilly to her feet. She’s a sleepwalker, and I know from experience that I can guide her to the bedroom without having to wake her completely.

  Ethan ignores me, keeping her in his arms as he stands. I suppose her fifty-five pounds is nothing for him, but my heart squeezes a little at the sight of this big man carrying his growing baby girl.

  I follow him up the stairs and down the hall. When he opens the door to the bunk room I’ve heard so much about, I smile. “Wow.”

  The little room was clearly decorated for Lilly and Lilly alone. There are mermaids all over the walls, and the bunk beds are draped with blue and green tulle.

  He carries Lilly to a bed and tucks her in. We leave the room, and he closes the door behind him. When I turn to head back downstairs to join the others, he takes my wrist and tugs me back. “I’m glad you’re staying tonight,” he says softly. “I don’t like the idea of you driving on those roads.”

  That squeeze in my heart releases, sending a thousand butterflies to go wild in my stomach. “I just don’t want to be in the way.”

  “You’d never be in the way, Nic.”

  I need to figure this out. I’m so off balance trying to navigate these feelings for him and keep my lies straight at the same time. I want to believe Shay’s right and I can keep the secret through Christmas without losing Ethan.

  “Would you come on a walk with me?” he asks. “I need some fresh air.”

  It’s stopped snowing, and the clouds have cleared out of the night sky. The moon reflects off the freshly fallen snow and lights up the night. I bundled up in my coat, gloves, hat, and scarf and followed Ethan out back, and now we’re walking the path to the pole barn that sits on the backside of the property, snow crunching under our boots.

  “I keep thinking about your tattoo,” he says after long minutes of silence. “I can’t stop thinking about it, actually.”

  He leaves the words to hang on their own in the air, and I don’t know what to say. Now that I’ve had confirmation about Elena’s suicide, I’m terrified he’s going to look at me and see the wife he couldn’t save. But as much as I don’t want him to worry about me or to think I’m in a bad place, I also don’t want to sugarcoat who I am or the struggles I face. That’s what I do every day when the smile everyone expects from me is pasted on my face.

  I don’t want to do that here, in the moonlight, with Ethan. I want him to see me. “Just because I had the words tattooed on me doesn’t mean I believe them all the time.” I swallow. “Or even most of the time. The truth is, if I believed them, I wouldn’t need them there.”

  “I like that you found a way to remind yourself. You found a strength in yourself that my wife always looked for in me.” We stop in front of the barn, and Ethan tucks his hands into his pockets. “Elena killed herself on Christmas Eve three years ago.”

  My breath catches—not because the confession comes as a surprise but because he’s telling me at all. “I’m so sorry, Ethan.”

  “When I married her, I knew she struggled with depression. But it didn’t matter. We loved each other, and we were stronger together.” He tilts his face up to the sky. “But it only got worse after she had Lilly. The darkness swallowed her, and I didn’t handle it well. I resented her sadness. I’m a doctor. I know it wasn’t a choice for her. I know depression isn’t something you can shake off or snap out of. But that didn’t change the fact that when she was low, it was like she was punishing all of us. The whole house seemed darker, and everything she did was with this spirit of anger. I felt like I couldn’t do anything right.”

  I step forward and reach for his hand. There’s nothing I can say,
so I weave my gloved fingers through his and squeeze.

  “When she was up, we were unstoppable. We were good together and so damn happy. When she was up, I felt like every failed marriage in the world should just look at us and see how to do it right.” He swallows, and in the moonlight, I can see the pain wash over his face. “But when she was down . . . when she was down, I felt like my marriage was a prison, and I resented her for locking me in it.”

  I swallow and study his face. I understand that he needs to tell this story the way he feels it, but it’s killing me to have him present the struggles of their marriage as his own shortcomings, as if he was entirely at fault, when I know that’s not true. “How long was she having an affair?”

  His gaze drops to mine, and I see the shock in his eyes. “I honestly don’t know. Things hadn’t been good for us for a long time when a colleague told me about Elena and Mike.” His jaw goes hard. “I found out about him on Christmas Eve, and I fucking lost my mind. Here I was, living with her, day in and day out, trying to save her from the darkness, feeling . . .” He snaps his mouth shut, and I squeeze his hand again. “On some level, I felt like her depression was my fault. I was ready to turn our lives upside down to save her from it. She missed California—even though she hadn’t lived there since she was a teenager—but I was going to leave my practice, leave my family, and move us out there. I was going to let go of everything to save a woman I wasn’t even sure loved me anymore. Meanwhile, she was fucking my best friend.”

  I gasp. I suspected the affair, but I never had any clue it was with someone close to Ethan. I put my hand on his chest, search for the reassuring thrum of his heart under my fingertips. “Ethan . . .”

  “I told her I wanted her to leave. I didn’t want her in my life anymore. She begged me to reconsider. She told me what was between her and Mike had been a mistake—a horrible mistake. And that she’d only been with him because it made her feel closer to me when I was being so distant.” He closes his eyes, and when he opens them again, he returns his gaze to the sky, as if he might find answers floating around somewhere up there. Or maybe he’s just ashamed that he responded to heartbreak and betrayal like any human would. “I told her to get out and that I didn’t want to look at her. I watched her drive away from me and Lilly on Christmas Eve.”