And not just for him. Possibly for her, as well. And then what the hell would I do? I closed my eyes again and prayed for clarity. For a solid answer.
“What are you doing out here?”
I jumped at the break in the silence, and head-jerked to the left, where Ben leaned out the window I forgot to close.
I sighed and glanced upward. “Not what I was going for,” I muttered.
• • •
ON THE LIGHTER SIDE, I GOT TO WATCH BEN GRUNT HIS WAY through the window like I did, getting one leg stuck so that he nearly crawled out. I put a hand over my mouth so he wouldn’t see my amusement.
“Okay, why the hell would you want to do this all the damn time?” he finally said through his teeth as he blew out a breath and climbed the short incline to where I sat. “You always made it look like nothing.”
“It was nothing. You just must be out of shape.”
He glared at me before landing next to me, and as he did I felt the shimmy of déjà vu bubble up through my body. We were in the same spots we’d always had, side by side.
“So—you didn’t say why you were out here?” he said, staring forward.
“No, I didn’t,” I agreed, since I really had no concrete reason to give him and didn’t want to just say because it felt right. “But why are you?”
He shook his head slowly, rolling it back and forth against the wood behind us. “No idea.”
I chuckled, and for that moment, there was an easy silence. The tension of before was lifted, and I wished it could stay like that. Friends again. I watched his profile for as long as I dared, remembering the shape of his face against the sky, with the air-conditioning unit as a backdrop. I’d seen that view so many times by moonlight, it was kind of odd to see it in the light of day.
I was aware of his closeness as we sat side by side and as I closed my eyes and rested back against the house, I could feel the heat at my shoulder.
“Do you remember this?” he said softly after a minute.
By the direction of his voice, I knew he’d been watching me. I forced my eyes to stay closed, insistent on not being a giant reaction to everything he said or did. Still, my heart sped up and I felt the goose bumps trickle down my back.
“Of course,” I whispered back, not intending it to really be a whisper but that’s all that came out. “Spent more time out here than inside.”
With my eyes shut, I focused on my other senses. The way he smelled of soap and paint and something vaguely woodsy, the steady rhythm of his breathing next to me, and the mental image of his right knee propped up next to both of mine.
“Things always made sense up here,” he said.
“Yeah.”
I heard the wistfulness in my own voice and it made us look at each other. His expression wasn’t angry that time, just—searching.
“This is where the magic happened.” He looked down, kind of sad, before looking forward again. “And I’m not just talking about that.” He jutted his head toward the ground. “Down there wasn’t always a good place for me. Up here, there were no rules, no boundaries, no school crap. No parents,” he said, his voice thickening on the word. “We had no secrets up here. No lies.”
“We were the best of friends,” I said.
He turned to me. “We were the best of everything.”
His expression was so open and unlike anything he’d shown on his face since he’d been back that I had trouble making my tongue work. “I miss that.”
The look that passed between us was like a magnet, making it impossible to blink or look away. A pain of longing started low in my chest, pulling at my ribs, making my eyes burn.
“Sorry about earlier,” he said finally. “I didn’t mean to get so intense. Guess you bring that out in me,” he added, grinning a little as he faced forward again, breaking the moment and lightening the mood.
“You don’t need to be sorry.”
He tilted his head in a small shrug. “Well, but I don’t need to be so demanding, either. The past is the past. We can’t undo it.”
My skin felt like it suddenly caught fire. “No, but we can explain it.”
He met my eyes and lifted an eyebrow. “Okay.”
But I knew in that moment that any explaining would have to sit for a second. The ringing had descended upon me, spinning around me like a moving wall of sound, the vacuum of air sucking in tight. I shut my eyes and inhaled the biggest breath I could, knowing it was about to get hard to do that.
“Shit.” I gripped his arm involuntarily. “Hang on, Ben,” I said, although my voice sounded like it was somewhere else. I dimly felt his hand over mine and heard the concern in his voice as he said my name. Asking what was wrong. I felt a touch on my face but that was for someone else. That was for the Emily that was still there.
“Just—give me a second,” I said weakly, then it all went black and I heard the rushing of wind and felt the bands of hell around my chest as they squeezed.
• • •
I lurched forward and popped my eyes open, gulping in the muggy air of another time on the roof, one by moonlight the way it was intended to be enjoyed. I looked around in a panic, reaching for the house by habit to make sure I didn’t fall off. Not that I would likely be able to in my little—I tested it with my foot—yep, in my little bubble.
“The roof,” I said to myself. “Well, this could be anything.”
I wasn’t alone for long. The noise to my left pulled my attention to the window as it opened and a bare leg came out. It wasn’t mini-me that time, but a teenaged version of myself. I laughed out loud as I watched myself climb out in panties and a strapless corset bra, a small radio in my hand that was tethered to a cord I’d plugged in under the window.
“Oh my God,” I said. “Prom night? Seriously?”
I couldn’t imagine what I had to learn from that night. I still remembered it pretty clearly. Kevin’s indiscretions ended the night early, and I came home and stripped before hitting the roof, where the night could absorb all the crap in my life.
I watched myself in wonder, as seventeen-year-old-me turned on the radio and anchored it next to the house and pulled out the small blanket I used to keep hidden in a zip-up comforter bag under an eave. It was right by where I sat, and I could see my younger face in the bright moonlight, all taut and smooth. I wanted to tell her to wash her face every night and use moisturizer. Not that I qualified for hag potential or anything, but looking at the beginner version definitely showed the difference.
She laid out the blanket just three or so feet from me, facing the backyard, and sat down. She looked forlorn, sitting there with her hair all done up so pretty, little blondish brown curls falling down, in her underwear. And showing way too much ass, I decided, feeling a little embarrassed that I’d gone out there like that.
Right on cue, Ben appeared, scaling the tree like a monkey. My stomach contracted as I laid eyes on the beautiful boy I used to know. His crooked smile was arrogant and fresh. His body language was cocky, graceful, and sure, even climbing the shallow incline of the roof. He stood over other-me with an amused expression as she lifted one hand dramatically.
He leaned over and kissed it. “What happened to your clothes, Rapunzel?”
“Ha-ha,” she said, her hand going straight to her hair, where she started pulling out bobby pins one at a time. Tiny curls cascaded down as they were freed. She tossed all the pins and clips over the side and laid back, closing her eyes. I remembered that moment—being so pissed off and just wanting to strip away everything of the evening and throw it away.
Ben stood over other-me for a second, looking all sexy in his button-down Levi’s and ever-present hoodie jacket with the sleeves pushed up, dark hair that any girl would kill for hanging to his shoulders. Then he sat down beside her and gave her body a long pan that I didn’t remember bec
ause she never saw it.
“So, why are you out here in your underwear?”
“Because I couldn’t stand to be in that thing anymore,” other-me said. It was surreal, hearing her talk, her voice closer to being mine but not quite yet.
“I thought you liked your dress,” Ben said, leaning sideways on an elbow.
“I did,” other-me said. “Till Kevin blew this night all to hell, like usual.” I saw Ben shake his head. “He spilled beer on me in the car, ditched me for most of the prom. I hung out with three other couples till they got tired of babysitting me and went to dance.”
“Where did he go?” Ben asked. I could hear the familiar irritation in his voice that was still there today.
Other-me picked up her hands and flopped them down again. “I don’t know. Smoke a joint, maybe? Make out with Kathy Carmichael?”
Her voice sounded miserable, and I wanted to shut this memory off. I couldn’t stand to remember that I put up with Kevin’s crap back that far.
“Kathy Carmichael?” Ben said. “She’ll put out for anything.” Then he glanced sideways. “Sorry.”
Other-me shrugged. “She was hovering, so I’m just guessing.”
“Why do you stay with him, Em?” Ben said, his voice soft. “He’s a dick for not seeing—I mean, damn.” He gestured at other-me’s body. “I saw that dress, and you’re looking like this? He’s a fucking moron.”
She laughed. “You’re good for my ego.”
“I’m serious, you’ve—” He pointed at her boobs, which were shoved nearly out of the top. I remembered thinking there was almost no point. “You’ve got like Viking titties going on here, Em. What’s up with that?”
“It’s the corset thing,” other-me said, fidgeting with it. “Shoves everything up.”
“No shit,” he said, staring. “In fact, here.” Ben unzipped the hoodie and pulled it off, showing hard muscles I remembered weren’t from working out but from toting lumber at his job. “Put this on.”
“Why?” other-me said, laughing as she threaded her arms through the too-big jacket. “You see more of me in a bikini.”
“I don’t know,” Ben said, smoothing out his Van Halen T-shirt that clung to his body like a glove. “Something about knowing it’s just underwear is too much.”
She slapped a hand over her face. “Oh my God. You’re so full of it.”
“No, I’m not.”
“Whatever.” Other-me lay back down with Ben’s hoodie wrapped around her. “So why didn’t you go? You could’ve got someone half naked and gotten laid.”
“Did that earlier,” he said with a grin.
She chuckled. “Okay.”
“And evidently, I just had to come here to see the half-naked part. Is that gonna be a trend?”
She swung a hand at his chest. “Ha-ha, you’re funny.”
“So Kevin doesn’t even know you left?” Ben asked. Other-me shrugged, and he smiled. “Want to go egg his car? Stab a tire?”
“No,” she said, laughing.
“Maybe I’ll rig up his locker,” he said.
“Let it go,” she said.
I laughed because I knew he hadn’t. He’d tortured Kevin behind the scenes for weeks, leaving dog poop in his car and putting red pepper powder in his gym shorts.
“So, how’s Bobby liking his new apartment?” she asked.
It was Ben’s turn to shrug, and he lay out flat next to her. “He’s away. What’s not to like?”
“You staying there tonight or going home?”
“Nah, he’s got a girl there tonight, so—”
“Then be careful,” she said, looking at him and reaching out her hand.
He took it and laced his fingers with hers. “I always am.”
I felt hot tears burn my eyes as I watched the scene I thought I’d remembered. I knew we were close, but time had faded my memory of exactly how special our bond had been. How had I not seen it then? Not that it would have mattered. He would have just gotten what he wanted earlier and moved on.
That part I’d always understood. It was the leaving town that always befuddled me.
“So have you heard yet about going full time after graduation?” she asked.
He shook his head. “My boss has been gone a lot. I’ll hit him up again next week. I’m pretty sure he likes me, so hopefully he’ll give me the hours.”
“I wish I could just go to Egypt or somewhere, intern with an archaeologist instead of all that school,” she said.
“Yeah, but all that school is the partying time,” he said with a smile.
She snickered. “Yeah, that’s me. Party girl. And going to the college here is not party time. It’s probably live-with-my-parents time.”
“Nah, you can get a cheap place on the other side of town,” he said, playing with her hand. “Hey, did you even get to dance?”
“Nope.”
“What a dick.”
“Walk away, Ben.”
A slow song came over the radio. “I’ll do better than that.” He got to his feet and held out a hand, and I gasped as the memory hit me.
“What are you doing?” other-me asked, looking at him with a funny grin.
“Oh, shit,” I whispered from my little bubble as my eyes filled with tears. “Damn it, Ben, I forgot about this.”
“Dance with me,” he said, pulling her up.
“Are you crazy?” she said. “We’ll fall off.”
“Nah, we’ve done worse. Come on.” He pulled her into his arms as she fluffed her hair out. “You look too good to waste a good song,” he said, grinning down at her.
“Yeah, in a hoodie?” she said.
“Exactly,” Ben said. “What other guy can say they danced on a roof with a hot girl wearing nothing but his jacket?”
“I have on more than that.”
He shrugged. “Not when I tell it,” he said, grinning down at her.
Other-me laughed, tossing her head back. The way they looked at each other, if I hadn’t lived it myself, I’d think they were lovers. But they weren’t. Not yet. They danced a little awkwardly, standing at an angle, but he held her tight enough to leave no question. I remembered looking into his eyes as we laughed over our crooked dance and thinking how easy everything was with him.
“I owe you another one of those one day,” he said when the song was over.
Other-me looked happy again. He had that effect. “Really? Why is that?”
“A real dance, in a real place—to that song, even,” he said, pointing at the radio.
“So that wasn’t real?” she said, laughing.
“Nope, figment of your imagination. So you can never dance to that song with anybody but me. What was the name of it?”
She raised eyebrows at him. “You don’t even know what the song was and you want me to pledge it to you forever?”
“Yep.”
Other-me rolled her eyes and did a little Japanese bow. “Okay, I promise. Goes for you, too.”
“Not a problem.”
“Because you just go straight to the deed, right?”
“Pretty much,” he said, giving the arrogant smile. “So what’s the song?”
“‘I Love You.’”
“I love you, too.”
Other-me blew out a breath and even I could see the impatience on her face. “That’s the name, goof, it’s by Climax Blues Band.”
“All right,” he said, gesturing toward her with a nod. “I need to get going. Keep the jacket for now.”
She stretched and bent to pick up the blanket. “Yeah, I’ll probably go read or something. God, we’ve become old fogies.”
“Why?”
“Two years ago, we’d have stayed out swimming all night, now look at us.”
&
nbsp; He grinned and looped an arm around her neck for a hug. “Yeah, we’re old.”
“Be careful tonight, Ben.” Other-me pulled away to look up at him. “Seriously, don’t provoke him.”
“You worry too much,” he said with a wink, backing up. “Go read. Put some clothes on,” he said with a chuckle as he climbed onto the tree and disappeared from view. She folded the blanket, put it back in its place, and grabbed the little radio on her way back in.
I sat there, wondering why I was still there. The scene was clearly over, and it was by far the longest flashback I’d been sent to see. Everything was quiet for a second and then Ben’s head appeared at the roofline again.
“What the heck?” I said.
He walked with careful steps over to the window, and peeked in for just a second. At first, I thought he was being a perv, but then he left the window, walked right past me with a troubled look on his face, and pulled the blanket back out.
He wrapped it around himself and sat down right next to me in his usual spot, not a foot away. I didn’t dare breathe, although I knew he couldn’t hear me. There I was, studying his profile again, wishing I could ask him the questions I couldn’t ask his older self.
But more than that, I was floored to realize he stayed there, sleeping on our roof. And it made me wonder how many other nights he’d done that. Found the only safe place he could. He closed his eyes hard, as if he were forcing them, and my heart broke.
“Ben—”
It was all I had the chance to get out before the breath was knocked clean out of me. I was pulled back fast, blackness swirling around me, pushing on my chest, shoving me forward.
Before and Ever Since (9781101612286) Page 13
