• • •
“Emily!”
Ben’s voice was loud in my ears as the air filled my lungs in a gulp. I coughed and felt my body tremble uncontrollably. And when I opened my eyes I was looking straight into Ben’s. He was kneeling in front of me, my face in his hands, and when I saw the fear and worry in his eyes, my weakened defenses broke.
“Emily, talk to me.”
“Ben,” I said, with no actual sound.
He heard me though, and massive relief flooded his face. He closed his eyes and rested his forehead against mine, taking deep breaths.
“Holy shit, Em, you scared the life out of me.”
“I’m sorry,” I said, feeling tears run down my cheeks, hot as fire. I couldn’t stop. Looking at him now, thinking of all the time that had passed, and yet there we were again. On the roof.
“What the hell is going on?” he said, his mouth so close to mine I could feel the words. He pulled back a little then, studying me, wiping my tears away with his fingers. “Are you sick? Are you—are you having strokes or something?”
I shook my head. “No, I’m fine.” But the flood wouldn’t be stopped, and the physical closeness was like a drug I couldn’t leave behind. As he put more space between us, I pulled him back, wrapping my arms around his neck and letting the sadness wash over me. Something in the furthermost recesses of my mind told me to shut it down, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t let go.
CHAPTER
10
BEN INHALED SHARP AND DEEP, AND I PRAYED HE DIDN’T THINK I was mauling him, but then he wound his arms around me and pulled me in tight. It felt right, being wrapped up in him there. It felt like the old days, when I could sink into him and everything was okay. Until seeing that in action again, I’d forgotten just how incredible that was. And knowing there was no logical way to have that again just made my heart hurt more.
“Talk to me,” he whispered after several moments.
“It’s not that simple.”
He pulled me back gently, and then caught my hands in his before I could get completely away. “Look around you,” he said, nodding to either side. “Where we are. This is the one place it is simple.”
I looked down at his hands holding mine, and thought back to when that was a normal occurrence, not something making my skin tingle. We’d once had no secrets, but I had a big one now. One I couldn’t tell him, not even up in the place where the magic happened. My eyes filled again, and I blew out a breath, frustrated with the amount of water I could evidently spew forth.
Before I could say anything, he pulled me a little closer, and it was my turn to suck in a breath as I saw the dark intensity in his eyes.
“Emily, I just watched you stop breathing for a full minute, and I don’t think I’ve ever been so fucking terrified in my life. Don’t blow me off again.” He shook his head slightly. “Not up here.”
As I blinked the tears free, I tried to hold my head up to look confident and assured. I needed to let him in on at least what he’d witnessed. He was right—sort of. The roof was where everything was safe.
“Ben, you’re not gonna believe me.”
One side of his mouth curved upward, but it didn’t reach his eyes. He was still worried. “Give it a shot.”
I gave him a wary look, not sure if I could stand the rejection again if he thought I was nuts and left. I let go of his hands and wiped my face, swiping under my eyes and cursing the fact that I was not a pretty crier. He thought I was dying or having convulsions or something, though, so I guess he wasn’t too uptight about swollen eyes.
“I keep getting sent back in time.”
His eyebrows shot up. “Say what?”
I nodded and looked away. “Yeah. See? I told you it—”
“Emily,” he said, stopping me. “Don’t get defensive. Just talk to me.”
I looked in his eyes and didn’t see the urge to bail. Not yet. So I licked my lips and took a deep breath. “Remember prom night?”
He blinked in surprise, and then got a faraway look as he dug up the memory. “Sort of.”
“Up here.” I pointed to where we were. “Right there, actually. In my underwear—”
“Gave you my jacket,” he said, his expression looking a little foggy, but like things were beginning to dawn.
I nodded. “Yes, you did.”
“What about it? What’s that got to do with—”
“You pretended to leave, but came back after I went in, got the blanket out of the bag, and slept right here,” I said, pointing down. “Wrapped up in the blanket.”
Clarity and backpedaling borne of survival mode took over his features. “You—I didn’t know you knew about that.”
“I didn’t,” I said. “And there may have been other times you did that, but I just saw it. Just now. I just relived that night.”
Confusion showed all over him. “What—how?”
I shook my head. “I don’t know. Something to do with this house?”
“This house?”
I held up my hands. “It only happens here. And the things I go back to are only in whatever room I’m in.”
Ben closed his eyes. “Hang on. Back up.” When he opened them, there was no ridicule or sarcasm. “You’re serious.”
“I couldn’t possibly make this up. I’m not that creative.”
He looked at me for a long moment, and then sat back next to me, leaned up against the house.
“Okay. Start from scratch.”
• • •
I TOLD HIM ALL OF IT. ABOUT THE FIRST TIME WHEN HE’D arrived, seeing my parents buying the house, seeing Holly as a toddler and my dad just starting the hardware business. About seeing myself as a child and the first time he’d come over. About finding out my mother used to clean houses to help pay the bills, and how they kept bailing out my uncle. And about prom night.
“It’s like it’s going in order,” he said. “Progressing through your life.”
“Not just mine,” I said. “My mom’s, too.”
“But you’re not there—like interacting?”
“No, I’m watching,” I said. “I can’t move, and no one can hear me.”
“And it’s just for a minute?”
“I guess,” I said. “You’ve told me before it was ten seconds, this time was like a minute. But for me, it’s real time. This time had to be like thirty minutes. I mean, think about it. You were there. We talked, we danced—”
“We danced,” he said. I looked at him, and he had an odd distant look on his face. Almost a smile. “I remember that.”
“And you spent the night up here,” I said softly. “How often did you do that?”
The almost-smile vanished. “More times than I care to count.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“Because you knew enough already,” he said. “I took care of myself. Found a place that he couldn’t reach.”
“But—”
“You would have brought me inside, Em,” he said, meeting my gaze with a hard edge. “Your parents would have eventually found out, they would have called mine, tried to be all helpful, and then my dad would know where to come looking. It wouldn’t have been safe anymore.”
I nodded. “Sorry you had to deal with all that.”
“You don’t need to be sorry,” he said, a smile in his eyes as he echoed my words. “You were the good stuff back then.”
A laugh escaped my throat. “Back then?”
“Yeah.” He reached over and rested his hand on mine, giving it a little squeeze.
I tried not to focus on the warmth of his fingers or how I could feel his pulse beating against the back of my hand. I tried to push down the burn in my stomach and not give in to the thoughts of how much I’d missed him.
“So what am I
now?” I dared to ask.
He blew out a breath. “Complicated.”
I chuckled. “So you believe me?” I asked.
He shrugged. “Of course.”
I looked at him warily. “That simple, huh?”
“Well, like you said, you aren’t creative enough to make something like that up.”
I elbowed him and he laughed.
“Something’s trying to tell you a story. Or show you something, Em,” he said. “All you can do is pay attention.”
A couple of sparrows chased each other, landed in the tree, then onto the roof. They stopped, mid-chatter, to stare at us like we were aliens.
“Well, now you know I’m not stroking out,” I said. I wanted to go with that flow. Keep it light. Enjoy feeling like friends again. But another part of me was telling me to ask the tough questions while we were “where the magic happened,” even though I knew that probably meant the magic would be over.
“So—if I was the good stuff then, Ben, why did you leave me?”
The silence that followed was deep and thick, as I waited for an answer and then wished I’d never gone there. I stared at his hand on mine, and I swear I felt the temperature go frosty.
“Because you had other plans,” he said finally, but his voice had changed.
I head-jerked toward him. “I had what?”
“You belonged with Kevin, not me. That was a pipe dream. Look at the house you live in. The daughter you have together.”
My mouth worked, but words weren’t lining up correctly. “A pipe—”
“I couldn’t give you that,” he said. “I wouldn’t take the chance on turning out like my dad. I’d rather never have kids than be that kind of father, so I got fixed as soon as I could afford it.”
I stared at him, the words about never having children burning my chest. But it wasn’t the sweet, caring Ben of a few moments before. It was the angry version again. The one I had so much trouble understanding. He pushed to his feet, still holding my hand, and pulled me up.
“You’re like Jekyll and Hyde, you know that?” I said.
“And you’re hell-bent on fixing the past instead of just enjoying now.” He gestured around us. “This was nice. We actually—connected again. But that’s not good enough for you.”
He headed to the window and I followed him reluctantly. He made it back through faster than he’d made it out, and he turned, holding out his hands to help me back through. My guess was that chivalry was the only thing pushing that action. He grabbed me around the waist to haul me down from the window seat, which put me square in his arms when my feet touched the floor. He didn’t let go right away, just looked hard into my eyes.
“You’re being called to visit old times. Okay. But there are certain times I don’t want to revisit,” he said, his voice quiet. “If you end up there, I don’t want to know about it. I don’t want to dig it up and talk about it.”
“Why? Ben, you want to talk about magic—”
“Because it serves no purpose, Em.” He let me go and held his hands out. “It just stirs up old shit. It’s like talking about my dad. What’s the point? It doesn’t change anything. My mom? She was a victim, too, in a different way.” Ben took a deep breath and rubbed his face and then his hair, making it stick up in little spikes. “Me and you? I have no desire to go backward and reopen old wounds. I’d rather focus on now.”
I was about to ask what old wounds he had to draw on regarding me when he lifted my chin and kissed my lips. Even through my shock, I felt the energy ripple between us, and his breathing quicken.
“Starting with there.”
He turned and walked out, leaving me to stand there like a goon, just as Bernie and my mother walked in. My mom turned to glance behind her after she looked at me—probably because I looked like I’d been shot and dragged through the mud with all my crying.
“You okay?” she asked.
“He really just did that,” I mumbled.
“Just did what?” Aunt Bernie asked as she came in and looked around. “Girl, you still have a lot to do in here.”
“Yeah,” I said, annoyed that they had horned in on my moment. I shook my head free of the fog that accompanied Ben’s lips, and then got annoyed again that there was even fog. Or a moment. “Um—yeah,” I repeated, looking around. “Still a lot to do.”
I grabbed a box from the closet and left the room, leaving them behind me. I’d just start loading up my car with crap and then I wouldn’t have to come back every day. Although that was a joke since I knew I would.
I got increasingly irate at his audacity as I lugged an unfortunately heavy box down the stairs. I put it down to open the door, and then cursed my remote for not opening my trunk.
“Need some help?” Ben called from the garage.
I pinned the box against the car with my body and ignored him as I opened it with the key.
“Hey,” he said, walking up, a folded sheet of plastic under his arm.
“I’ve got it,” I said.
“Oh, I see that,” he said, laughter in his voice.
I got the box in the trunk and whirled around. “Where do you get off just kissing me like that?”
His eyes widened in humorous surprise. “Was it hideous?”
He knew it wasn’t. He knew it had curled my toes. “You don’t want to face anything heavy, answer any tough questions, just skip off into the future—”
“I’m pretty sure I never mentioned skipping.”
“Like I’m supposed to trust you now,” I continued, ignoring him. “And then you lay that kiss on me.”
He laughed, which just lit me up more. “I didn’t tackle you, Em.”
“How would you feel if I just walked up and—did this.” Before I knew it, I had his face in my hands and my mouth was on his. What was intended to be aggressive immediately turned soft. Searching.
Shaking, I let go and stepped back, not knowing what the hell I was doing. His eyes were heavy and his breathing was fast.
“How would you—what would you do?” I asked weakly, though I managed to keep my head up as I turned to walk away.
I felt his hand on my arm as he spun me back around and backed me against the car. His hands came up to my face and his mouth and body landed against mine at the same time. All the air left me as I expected something fiery and got soft and deliciously slow instead. When he dove deeper, I defied all my own defenses and pulled him in, winding my arms around him. Just when I began to lose myself in his kiss, he stopped and backed away slowly.
His fingers trailed down my cheeks as he met my eyes with an expression so full of heat it could have self-ignited.
“Probably something like that,” he breathed, sounding a little ragged.
“Okay then,” I croaked. “Glad we’re clear.”
“Your move?”
I held up a finger, pretty impressed that I could. “I’m good,” I said, sliding sideways around him.
I headed straight back into the house and up the stairs, not missing a beat. “Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God.”
I was on fire. I went to the bathroom and splashed cold water on my face, then groaned at the sight of myself. I glowed, I was so red. And I still had paint globs sticking out of my hat and puffy eyes from crying.
“What the hell am I doing?” I said, running the icy water over my wrists to cool off. “This isn’t a game. You aren’t fifteen.”
“Why are you talking to yourself?” my mother said from behind me, making me jump.
I blew out a breath and grabbed a nearby towel. I pressed my face into it and wished for that one second that I could stay in there.
“Because I’m losing my mind,” I said into the towel.
“Well, that’s unfortunate,” she said.
“Isn’t it
?”
I put the towel back on the rack, since I wasn’t at my house, where I’d throw it somewhere in the vicinity of the sink, and I gave her the best smile I could come up with.
“What’s going on?” she asked, her wise eyes seeing more than I wanted her to.
I shook my head. “Nothing I can get into right now, okay? I’m gonna load up some boxes and I’ll be back later for dinner.”
She nodded, a look of concern definitely playing on her face, but she knew me. She knew that I’d talk when I was ready.
“Okay. Wash your hair.”
I laughed and rubbed at my eyes, which no longer had an ounce of makeup. “I’ll be presentable, I promise.”
I chanced a glance from the corner of my eye when I passed the garage with the next box, and he was leaning against the workbench with his head down. It gave me a little rush of—something—just knowing I wasn’t the only one fighting myself.
I nearly ran the next two trips up to my room and back, grabbing everything that would possibly fit in my trunk, not even caring what it was. I nearly had to sit on it for it to latch closed, but as soon as it did I was gone. I drove off without even looking back. I needed space from him. From the chemistry that had sparked the second he’d arrived and had been simmering ever since. And that particular day, with the paint and the roof and the flashback and then that whole mouth-to-mouth fiasco—I felt like I needed to shower in ice.
I remembered his kisses, for the most part. It had been many, many years, and a long stretch of Kevin in between, but I did remember that he had skills in that area. Skills that had turned me into a puddle of gush and given me Cassidy.
Nothing in my memory bank had prepared me for the fire he’d just lit up in me from head to toe. In that thirty second stretch at my car, I’d thrown out my worries, my dignity, and all the reasons I needed to stay away from him. In fact I would have probably done him right there in the driveway, forgetting about the neighbors and my mother and aunt as well.
“I am such a slut,” I said to myself as I made it to my house, walked in the door, and knocked three open magazines out of the way so I could flop onto my couch and wallow in the chaos that seemed to blanket me.
Before and Ever Since (9781101612286) Page 14
