Before and Ever Since (9781101612286)

by Lovelace, Sharla

  I couldn’t feel my lips. I pulled them between my teeth but the nerve endings left me. “What do you me—”

  “What did you just say, Mom?” she said. Her eyes weren’t twenty-one anymore, they were old and wise and teared up and accusatory. “About Dad and Ben.”

  Holly looked as frozen as I felt. A lone crystal ballerina dangled from her fingers, and her eyes looked red. I held back my hair with jerky fingers and closed my eyes to the zing-zinging going on in my head. “Come—sit down for a second.”

  “I’m good,” she said stiffly.

  Mom grabbed my hand for support and reached out for her with the other one. “Sit down, sweetheart. Let your mom talk.”

  But Cassidy held her hands up out of Mom’s reach. “I don’t want to sit. I want to know what the hell y’all were talking about.”

  “It wasn’t meant for you to hear,” I said.

  “I’ll bet,” she snapped.

  “Cassidy,” I began as I stood, my stomach feeling like an acid pit. “Just listen to me for a second.”

  “No, you know what?” she said, backing up. “Save it. I don’t even want to know what kind of fucked-up justification you have for that.”

  “Watch your mouth in this house, young lady,” Mom said.

  Cassidy didn’t hear her. Her blood was boiling too loudly. She glared at me without blinking, and the tears in her eyes fell of their own accord. “And he’s here in this house—oh my God.” She shook her head with disgust at me. “You’re just as bad—God, all this time and you’re just as bad as Dad.” A bitter scoff came out of her mouth from deep in her core and a fresh wave of tears came with it. “Excuse me, Kevin.”

  She turned on her heel and stormed down the hall and down the stairs.

  “Cassidy Lynn, you stop right now,” I called out as I tried to keep up.

  She whirled around at the front door, her eyes blinded with tears. “Get away from me, Mom. Leave me the hell alone.”

  She slammed the door in my face and was in her car and smoking the little bug’s tires before I could get down the porch steps. Her taillights disappeared around the corner on two wheels.

  I left the front door gaping open behind me, and I heard the thunder of Holly’s steps on the stairway, followed by Mom’s slower ones keeping up the best she could. I turned to look at them, begging with my eyes for somebody to fix what I’d just snapped in two. Aunt Bernie leaned her head over the bar to see what was going on, and Ben poked his head out from the hall.

  “Everything okay?” he asked.

  Back and forth from Holly to Mom, I looked. I couldn’t look at him. Nothing was ever going to be okay again. I could feel it.

  CHAPTER

  17

  I LEFT TO TRACK HER DOWN. I DIDN’T KNOW EXACTLY WHERE I was going, but I couldn’t sit and wait on her. I knew how anger played out with Cassidy. She would stew and analyze and isolate from the issue for a couple of weeks, until she had everything crossed and dotted in her mind and knew what questions to ask. She never liked spontaneous fights or arguments, because she couldn’t control where they went, so running off to be alone and think it out was her signature move. Normally, I’d let her be.

  This wasn’t one of those times. This was a jacked-up, life-altering moment for her that was all my doing and up to me to set it straight.

  You’re just as bad as Dad.

  And to top it all off, she thought I cheated on Kevin. Fabulous. As I drove around the neighborhood in the dusky dark, in the general direction I’d seen her last, I ran through the list of where she’d go. Or where I’d go if it were me. I called her and left four different messages. Texted her while driving and dared someone to stop me for that. I’d hire them on the spot to go on a search.

  She wouldn’t answer. She also wasn’t at Kevin’s, thank God. She wasn’t at her apartment. Holly’s car was back at her house again but sat there unaccompanied. I did a drive-by at Josh’s apartment complex and didn’t see her car, then circled back to my house in case she decided to trash it or something. No Cassidy. On a whim, I went by both her jobs, starting with the one in town, then heading down to the docks to Dock Hollidays. I even got out and asked there, and they hadn’t seen her.

  Perplexed and a little worried, I went back by Josh’s, sat in the car for a minute to figure out what to say, and walked up to the second-floor apartment I was lucky to remember hearing the address for.

  Josh looked frazzled when he opened the door.

  “Ms. Lockwood, hey,” he said, pausing for a minute before jumping to one side to hold the door open. “Come in.”

  “I’m just looking for Cass, Josh, have you seen her? She’s not answering her phone.”

  He blew out a breath and stood there awkwardly, as if my not coming in messed up his plan. “I know. And yeah,” he said, rubbing his face. “She was here for a second—and I mean really a second,” he said, holding a hand up. “She was all freaked out and crying, and I tried to find out what was wrong—do you know what was wrong?” he asked me, looking truly upset.

  I liked him a little more for that. But I could hear my heartbeat in my ears, and his nervous energy just added to my anxiety. “And then she left?” I asked, ignoring the question.

  He looked deflated. “Yeah. I tried to get her to come sit down and talk to me. I don’t think I did anything to make her so crazy, but she just kept saying her whole life was a lie and she couldn’t trust anybody.”

  I closed my eyes and clutched my stomach. “You didn’t do anything, Josh, this was about me.”

  “Well,” he began, and I noticed his eyes were red like he’d maybe been crying, too. “Then what’s she talking about? I mean, she yelled all that and—” He stopped and looked down at his closed fist as he opened it, like a little boy with a prize marble. Except it wasn’t a marble. Lying in his palm was a beautiful little diamond ring. “She gave this back to me, saying marriage is a joke, and left.” His voice cracked at the end, and I stood there staring at the bling in his hand.

  “Oh my God,” I said, although no real sound went with the words.

  I picked up the ring and looked at it with a broken heart and weepy eyes. It was a simple solitaire, not big, but very well designed so that the diamond looked bigger than it was. It had probably taken him a year to save enough to buy it, and it was exactly what Cassidy would love, simple and not flashy. From the man who loved her. And she’d given it back.

  “Josh, it’s beautiful,” I whispered, setting it back in his hand. “I didn’t even know.”

  “We were—we were gonna come announce it this weekend,” he said, landing heavily on the couch and just staring at the ring. “She wanted a few days for it to just be us.”

  I nodded and knelt in front of him. “It’s not you, babe, okay? She’s mad at me.”

  He looked miserable. “What would you have to do with—”

  “You’ll find out soon enough,” I said and patted his knee. “Just have faith right now, that y’all will be okay.” I closed his fingers over the ring. “Hold on to that.”

  “Okay,” he mouthed.

  “Do you have any idea where she went from here?”

  He shook his head. “She just left.”

  It was all I could do to hang on to my patience. “I know. I mean, can you think of anywhere she might go? Someplace you’ve gone together? Talked about going? Something nostalgic?”

  He looked around his little living room with its many electronic video and audio gadgets, as if it might give him a clue, and then shook his head. “We have some favorite restaurants, but mostly we hang here or at her place.”

  “Okay, can you call me if you hear from her?” I asked him, digging in my bag for a stray card.

  “Absolutely.”

  I didn’t know where else to go. I called Mom to see if she’d come back, but n
o. I went by Kevin’s again, and all was lit up and cozy there, but no little white Volkswagen bug. So I went home. I hated it, and I felt all itchy about it, so much so that I didn’t even put my keys down. I landed on the couch, but that just brought my gaze to the big Cassidy collage, and I sprung right back up and walked up to it.

  I felt the burn behind my eyes as I let my gaze roll from one family photo to the next, the wholesome look of it settling in the pit of my stomach like something rotten.

  The doorbell ringing startled me and I ran to the door, hoping for Cassidy. But when I swung the door open, it was Ben.

  “Oh, hey,” I said, hearing the disappointment in my voice. “I mean—” I held up a hand. “I didn’t mean it like that.”

  “Hey, it’s okay,” he said, looking at me with concern and taking hold of the hand I was flailing. “Em, what’s up?”

  He came in, and I walked back to the collage, letting him follow me. “We—had a big fight, Cass and I.”

  “Well, yeah,” he said with a chuckle. “That made national news, I’m sure.” He stood behind me and hugged me to him. I closed my eyes and pretended for a second that things could really be that good. That they could really match the joy I felt in his arms again. That a secret I’d kept buried for twenty-one years would just fade off into the sunset and not destroy everything in its path.

  “She’s not answering her phone,” I said.

  “Is that normal?”

  “After today it probably is.”

  “Then let her cool off.”

  My chin quivered. I couldn’t have this conversation like this. “This one’s different, Ben. This one—it’s major.”

  He squeezed me tighter. “Then come on, let’s go look for her some more. She doesn’t need to be driving around if she’s that upset.”

  I smiled a tiny smile that hurt my heart at the same time. It killed me that he didn’t even know the irony of worrying about her.

  Cassidy knew. I looked in her face in each and every picture, where she smiled brilliantly under crazy blonde curls and deep intense dark eyes, and wondered how the hell I ever thought it would stay buried. And how on earth I ever kidded myself into believing that I could have a relationship with Ben without the truth.

  “Ben,” I said, not recognizing the sound of my voice.

  “Hmm,” he said, his mouth against my hair. We were rocking slightly and I imagined that his eyes were closed as he just enjoyed the moment.

  “I have to tell you something.”

  My phone buzzed from my bag on the couch, and I pulled free of his arms to dig it out. Disappointment filled me when it wasn’t Cass’s number and face populating my screen, but an unknown number. I nearly let it go to voice mail, but then something made me answer.

  “Hello?”

  “Mrs. Lockwood?”

  I usually fought the Mrs. reference, but there was something in the man’s tone that made the little hairs on the back of my neck stand up.

  “Yes?”

  “Ma’am, my name is Officer Harris, I’m with the state troopers. Are you Cassidy Lockwood’s mother?”

  My fingers and toes went icy, as if the blood was working its way backward. Like they say happens if you’re in freezing water. When your extremities shut down to focus the blood supply to your core.

  To protect your heart.

  “Yes?” I said again. Ben turned at the sound of my voice, which I assume was odd by the look on his face.

  “Ma’am, your daughter was in a serious accident tonight—”

  The room closed in and went dark. There were no rushing sounds, no tightening of the airways, no ringing in the ears, no going back in time. Just ordinary horror-filled darkness, as someone filled my head with pictures. Everything went numb as Ben reached me and held me tight against him, taking the phone from my hand and listening to the rest. I stared at the keys in my hand, but I couldn’t feel anything but my heart beating against my ribs. Everything else was shutting down. Protecting it.

  • • •

  EVERYTHING WENT IN SLOW MOTION. I DIDN’T REMEMBER THE drive to the hospital, just that we were suddenly there. I didn’t remember calling Kevin or my mother, but they arrived there at the same time we did, screeching into the parking lot.

  I moved like a robot, pushing doors open ahead of me, as my mother’s voice droned on behind me about Holly’s dead phone and how she couldn’t reach Greg. Once we made it in and to the desk, Kevin all of a sudden had a voice.

  “Cassidy Lockwood,” he said, spreading both hands wide on the counter. “She was just brought in.”

  “The single-car accident,” a nurse sitting down said to the one we were facing. She pointed at a chart.

  “No, the girl,” Kevin said to the one sitting, his voice rising. “Tell me about my daughter.”

  I could feel Ben’s warmth behind me, his hands on my shoulders. Part of me felt like his touch was the only thing keeping me plugged in. My baby was in critical condition, having wrapped her little white windup car around a big brown tree out on a lonely stretch of winding highway. The grace of God had put an actual state trooper driving by at the moment it happened, because there were no other cars out there. She would have bled to death on a tree before anyone would have found her off the side of the road in the dark.

  “Sir, I’ll get the doctor for you,” the woman said, jumping out of her seat like it had shocked her.

  Kevin was breathing hard, and Sherry was wrapped around him, but he looked at me and pulled me out of Ben’s grip, hugging me to him. I felt his body shake, and I lost my composure. Somebody had to be the rock, my mind screamed. Someone had to take control.

  “God took care of her, Kevin,” I said, wiping tears from my face and pulling back but holding on to him. “He put somebody there. She’ll be okay.”

  “What the hell was she doing driving out there at night?” he said, his face contorted with grief. “That road has no lights, it’s pitch-black. What the hell—”

  Sherry wiped at her eyes and squeezed my hand, then took the opportunity to reclaim her hold on Kevin. Which I was grateful for, as I backed back into Ben. His solid presence and grip on my arms were what I needed. He turned me around then.

  “Come here,” he whispered, and I melted into him. He wrapped his arms around me and made me feel so safe. So loved.

  “Ben,” I cried into his chest as I clutched him to me, begging God for a miracle to save my baby girl. Whatever it took.

  • • •

  IT WAS ALMOST AN HOUR BEFORE THE DOCTOR CAME, AND I thought Kevin was going to start pulling doors off the hinges to find her. Kevin was not an aggressive man, but this had his chemistry all out of whack.

  When she came, she introduced herself as Dr. Somebody of Something, and told us that Cassidy had to be stabilized before she could leave her.

  “Can we see her?” I asked.

  “No, she’s being prepped for emergency surgery,” she said, “And that’s som—”

  “Holy shit, emergency surgery?” Kevin said. “How bad is she?”

  “Okay, relax,” the doctor said, the words bouncing off my ears like echoes, over and over. “We’re going to take care of her.” She put a hand on each of our arms to calm us, but all it did was make me feel trapped. I pulled away.

  “Relax?” I said, my voice not sounding like me. “Would you relax? Tell us what’s going on.”

  The doctor’s expression stayed neutral and empathetic. “Your daughter has some rib fractures and some pretty bad abdominal wounds. Her right leg is broken just below the knee, and I will tell you that the bone went through the skin.”

  “Oh my God,” I choked.

  She touched my arm again. “But it was a clean break and can be set. The problem is more the rib injuries,” she continued, and I tried to focus on her words as m
y brain kept forming the image of my baby girl mangled in that fucking toy car. “There is evidence of internal bleeding, and she lost quite a bit of blood, which is putting her in a high risk right now. She needs surgery—on her leg, yes, but that’s secondary. I want to go in and find the bleeding.”

  “Yes,” Kevin said, the first calm word he’d said since we arrived. His face was gray when I looked at him, his eyes sunk in. “Do whatever you need to.”

  I nodded in agreement, my words stuck in my throat. I felt Ben behind me and let that warmth soak in.

  “Okay,” the doctor said. “That being said, we’re low on her blood type, so I’ll need both of you to—”

  “Let’s do it,” Kevin said, already rolling up his sleeve. Bells went off in the back of my head, but I was too in shock to register them. “Hook me up, I’ll give her all I have.”

  “Are you O positive?” the doctor asked.

  “No, I’m A,” Kevin said, still rolling.

  “Then we can’t use you,” she said, already gesturing to me. I saw Kevin’s face fall, and then the doctor’s voice sounded like she was talking from a well as she put her hand on my shoulder and asked me to come with her. But all I could do was shake my head.

  “Emily, go,” Kevin said, his voice cracking. “What’s the matter?”

  “I’m A positive, too,” I said, on a whisper, feeling the bile rise up in my throat. Feeling the panic I prayed I’d never feel, but not giving a shit at that moment about something that petty.

  It was my prayer. Whatever it took.

  I turned out of Dr. Somebody’s grasp before she could put words to the question in her mind, and looked up into Ben’s face, the whole movement feeling like slow motion. He looked into my eyes, the question already there, but he read it in an instant. He was a smart man. His eyes registered everything right there in front of me. Confusion, disbelief, and then realization and shock, before filling with tears.

  “Hate me later, Ben,” I whispered, the tears streaming down my face. “Please—”

  He tore his eyes from me and yanked his jacket off, letting it drop to the floor. “I’m O positive,” he said quietly, swiping a hand across his face as the tears blinked free. “Let’s go.”