The Girl with the Destructo Touch

by Tom Sniegoski

  Mrs. McKinney was standing at the side of the stage with a big smile on her face, believing that this was all part of Randy and Mitchell's act.

  Why isn't anything ever easy? Billy thought as he caught sight of the Sassafras Siblings climbing up on the stage.

  “What the heck are you doing, Hooten?” Randy's voice boomed from inside the monster's head. “We got this crowd in the palm of our hand. We're a cinch to win the grand prize. So why don't you go and stand in back with the other dweebs and let the winners show you what a real Halloween costume looks like.”

  “Yeah, Hooten,” said Mitchell Spivey's nasal voice from the belly of the monster.

  The long, spindly arms covered with fake hair reached out and pushed Billy backward. Once again the audience burst into laughter as he landed on his butt. Billy struggled to stand in the awkward mutated cow costume, even as Randy and Mitchell were surrounded by the gun-toting Sassafrasses.

  “How dare you make fun of the most marvelous mother to ever crawl from the bottomless darkness,” Sireena snarled.

  “You're right, sister,” Sigmund said, leaning in to sniff at the costume. “This is an imposter!”

  “Who the heck are you two freaks supposed to be?” Randy asked. “If you think those costumes are gonna beat us, you got another think comin'. Let's show 'em what we got, Mitchell.”

  The Randy/Mitchell monster began to dance around, funky-looking steps equal parts ballet and kung fu.

  The crowd went wild as the Sassafras Siblings jumped back, their weapons raised.

  In Monstros, Billy would have been able to leap across the stage and wrestle them to the ground with his super Owlboy strength. But this wasn't Monstros, and he was dressed as a mutated cow.

  Not one to admit defeat, Billy launched himself into action, doing the only thing he could think of at the moment to prevent the Sassafrasses from using their weapons on Randy and Mitchell. He grabbed his udder full of fake corrosive fluid, took careful aim and squeezed.

  Streams of green goop shot from the tips of the rubber udders and hit the Sassafras Siblings.

  “Yeeek!” Sireena screamed. “What is that?”

  “It appears to be corrosive material from the udder of a mutated cow,” Sigmund replied, feeling the slimy substance between his square fingers.

  “Step away from those kids in the monster suit right this instant,” Billy commanded in a powerful voice that he hoped would make the Sassafrasses forget that he was dressed like a cow.

  No such luck.

  Sireena lunged at him, a look of rage on her face. “You've ruined my blouse,” she screeched, taking hold of the front of his costume in her large hands.

  He was going to threaten to give her another good squirt if she didn't let him go, but he was airborne before the words could leave his mouth.

  The audience at the Connery Elementary School Costume Extravaganza went wild with cheers, whistles and applause.

  At least they're enjoying themselves, Billy thought as he flew through the air, landing in a heap at the end of the stage.

  The Sassafrasses were chasing Randy and Mitchell, and Billy could hear the boys inside the costume screaming as the two ogres began to tear the monster suit to pieces, bellowing at the top of their monstrous lungs that they would not allow their mother to be insulted.

  Billy had to do something, but what?

  And as if in answer to his prayers, he heard a voice like a squeaky angel calling his name.

  “Billy!”

  Turning away from the villainy unfolding before him, Billy was shocked to see Victoria standing backstage beside her Big Wheel.

  “Hey, Billy,” she called out. “Is that a cow suit? You look wicked cute, though I was hopin' you woulda been a fairy princess. What's that thing on your head?”

  Billy walked to the edge of the stage. “What are you doing here, Victoria? It's really dangerous right now.”

  The little girl held up a backpack… his backpack.

  “I saw the bad guys comin' and I thought you might need your Owlboy suit,” the five-year-old said, handing the bag to him.

  Billy looked at the costume inside the pack.

  Maybe she really is an angel, he mused, ducking in back to make his transformation from mutated cow to… Owlboy.

  CHAPTER 14

  How do all the other super-types do it so fast? Billy wondered, practically breaking his neck as he struggled into his Owlboy costume in the backstage restroom.

  He had to keep reminding himself that this was still only Bradbury, and his special abilities were… less than special here. He would just have to make do.

  Slipping on the goggles, he burst from the bathroom and saw that there was a line. Elementary-school versions of ghosts, witches and spiders danced in front of the door. An especially round ghost pushed him out of the way, darting into the bathroom.

  “Gotta go bad!” the ghost moaned.

  “Who're you supposed to be?” a little witch asked him.

  “I'm Owlboy,” Billy said, pushing through the crowd and making his way toward the stage.

  “Are you in the show too?” a spider asked, his multiple fake limbs flopping at his side.

  “You might say that,” Billy said, mentally preparing himself for what he might be seeing as he rounded the corner and exited out onto the stage.

  The crowd still seemed to be having a pretty good time, but Mrs. McKinney had grabbed the microphone and was attempting to get them all to settle down.

  The Sassafras Siblings had circled Randy and Mitchell, whose costume was now in tatters, and were attempting to use their weapons, but nothing was happening. Billy figured that the guns probably would have worked perfectly fine in Monstros City, but this wasn't Monstros, and different rules applied.

  The auditorium broke into thunderous applause as Billy bounded across the stage. He was stunned by their enthusiasm. Suddenly he heard a dog barking wildly, and distracted, looked down at the crowd to see Cole, the owner of the Hero's Hovel Comic Book Shop, and former artist of the old Owlboy comic books before he started having problems with his eyes. His guide dog, Claudius, was sitting beside him in the first row, howling like a werewolf. Then Billy remembered that Cole was one of the judges of the costume contest. The comic book storeowner gave him the thumbs-up, and continued to clap wildly.

  Billy resisted the urge to bow, turning to face his foes.

  “That's enough of that, Sassafrasses,” Billy said in his deepest voice.

  The two hideous creatures pointed their weapons at him, and pulled the triggers uselessly.

  “Why aren't you destroying him?” Sireena shrieked at her brother.

  “I'm trying, but there's no destruction left!” her brother screamed.

  Sireena dropped her own weapon and grabbed Sigmund's, viciously slapping him on the side of the head.

  “You're just not doing it right!” she roared.

  Sireena aimed and fired, and still nothing happened.

  “See, see, I told you it was empty!” Sigmund shouted.

  The auditorium had grown quiet. Billy got a sense that they thought the show was on the verge of wrapping up.

  “Give it up, Sassafrasses,” he commanded. “And maybe I'll put in a good word for you and they'll give the two of you a cozy prison cell right next to your mother.”

  There was the right thing to say in any given situation, and then there was the wrong thing. Billy was always really good about picking the wrong thing.

  “Another slight about our most blessed mother!” Sireena railed, and in a fit of anger she threw her gun at him. The weapon hit Billy square in the chest and knocked him to the floor.

  He heard the audience gasp as he tried to catch his breath and crawl out from beneath the extremely heavy gun.

  “I don't need any weapons to end your life,” Sireena said, lumbering toward him. “I'll do it with my bare hands… with pleasure.”

  This was the part in comic books when the hero usually gathered up his strength, the power
of his heroism allowing him to vanquish his foul foe and save the day for the forces of good.

  As a sneering Sireena reached for him with claws painted a lovely shade of red, Billy came to the disturbing realization that things weren't looking so hot for the forces of good.

  Bored, Victoria had wandered backstage to see if anything more interesting was going on back there.

  Kids dressed in costumes were running around like crazy and she almost started to play with them when something even more interesting caught her eye.

  High up above the stage, she saw what looked like Santa's sleigh, and maybe even a sack of toys.

  Toys, the magic word. She had to get a closer look.

  She squeezed her way into a tight area where there were lots of ropes trailing up toward the hanging sleigh. From where she was standing, she could see Billy and the Sassafras Siblings onstage; it looked like they were having fun playing superheroes. It almost made her want to go and join them, but Santa's sleigh called to her.

  She couldn't take her eyes off it, imagining what might be inside the magical Christmas ride. Her thoughts were going crazy: why was Santa's sleigh hidden in the back of the auditorium? Maybe he lives here when he gets tired of the North Pole.

  Curiosity getting the better of her, Victoria studied the ropes. She put her hand on a big knot that was tied around a metal piece sticking out of the wall, and gave it a little tug.

  Victoria gasped, surprised at what a little tug could do. The knot began to loosen. She jumped back, bumping into even more ropes. They too started to come undone.

  One by one—thwp! thwp! thwp!—the ropes shot up into the ceiling, as Santa's sleigh and a whole bunch of other stuff began to slowly swing from side to side.

  Maybe Billy was right, she thought as all the things suspended above the stage started to fall.

  Maybe I really do have the Destructo Touch.

  * * *

  At first Billy thought the sky was falling.

  But then with a burst of strength, he wiggled out from beneath the heavy gun and pushed himself backward.

  Just as Sireena made a grab for him, and Santa Claus' sleigh dropped on top of the Sassafrasses' ugly heads in a blizzard of fake snow.

  Santa's sleigh? Snow? Billy was tempted to pinch himself to see if he was dreaming. But then he recognized the props from the school's annual holiday pageant. He wondered how in the world the sleigh and fake snow could have come loose, when he saw Victoria sheepishly waving at him from backstage.

  “Hey, Billy, watch out for Santa's sleigh!” she yelled.

  And it all made perfect sense.

  Snow continued to rain down on the stage, but there wasn't a sign of movement from the monsters.

  “I've got to get the Sassafras Siblings back to Monstros,” Billy yelled to the little girl.

  And that was when the crowd in the auditorium went wild.

  He'd almost completely forgotten that they were there, watching all the craziness unfold. They were on their feet now, clapping and cheering wildly.

  “Bravo! Bravo!” the crowd screamed.

  “What are they clapping for?” Victoria asked.

  “They think this was all part of the show,” Billy said out of the corner of his mouth, bowing for his audience.

  “What are they, crazy?” she asked.

  Billy's brain was crackling, and an idea—a crazy idea—began to take shape.

  “Thank you, folks. Thank you!” Billy said, raising his voice to be heard over the applause and cheers. “And a big hand for all who helped me with this performance,” he said, presenting his classmates with a flourish of his hand. “I couldn't have done it without them.”

  The gang, including Randy and Mitchell, were looking at each other with dumbfounded expressions. They didn't know what the heck had just happened, and Billy didn't have the time to make up anything.

  “Get your Big Wheel and wagon,” he told Victoria, who had yet to come out on stage for her applause. The little girl ran off as Billy carefully approached the heap of rubble that was the holiday sleigh and several inches of fake snow.

  Rummaging through the wreckage, he found the two unconscious monsters. And to more thunderous laughter and applause, he dragged the oblivious Sassafrasses to the edge of the stage.

  Darting backstage, he took the pink plastic bike from his next-door neighbor. “I'm going to borrow this for a little while,” he told Victoria, “and you might want to think about getting home before anybody notices you're gone.”

  “See ya later, alligator!” the little girl said, and was gone in a flash.

  Billy rolled the snorting monsters off the edge of the stage to the floor, hopping down to load the Sassafras Siblings onto the back of the Big Wheel's plastic wagon. It was a tight fit, but it would have to do.

  He climbed aboard the Big Wheel and started pedaling up the aisle as the families of Connery Elementary school kids cheered him on.

  He could still hear them inside the building as he coasted down the handicap ramp and down the driveway of the school to the street, pulling the Sassafrasses in the wagon behind him.

  He had to get to Pine Hill Cemetery right away. He had a special delivery for the Monstros City Police.

  CHAPTER 15

  It was a test to see how strong he really was, Billy was sure of it. If there was some sort of superhero god looking down on him from above, this was most certainly a test to see if he had what it took to be a member of this special, superheroic club.

  The Sassafras Siblings each weighed a ton—never mind the fact that he had to pedal all the way from Connery Elementary to the front entrance of Pine Hill Cemetery, which was the farthest entrance from the Sprylock mausoleum, pulling a wagon stuffed full of villainy.

  And that was just the beginning.

  With his legs feeling like rubber bands, he dragged the unconscious monsters from the wagon into the mausoleum and dropped them down into the stone coffin.

  Billy stood at the bottom of the winding steps, in the darkness of another world, with the still unconscious Sassafrasses at his feet. It was a most excellent bit of luck that the Sassafrasses rolled so well. All he had to do was get them started with a little push, and off they went, tumbling all the way to the bottom.

  Flipping open one of the pouches on his utility belt, Billy found the owl-shaped whistle that Archebold had given him during their first meeting.

  He brought the whistle to his lips and gave it a powerful blow. The sound of multiple owls all hooting in unison filled the darkness, and a mysterious wind came out of nowhere, pulling eagerly at his costume.

  Sireena and Sigmund both began to snort and groan, which meant they were starting to wake up. Great, that's all I need, Billy thought, giving the whistle another blow for good measure.

  The villains began to twitch, their eyes starting to flutter. Billy was just about to blow on the whistle again when he heard the sound of a motor coming closer.

  Archebold emerged from one of the many tunnels wearing a bright yellow helmet and riding on a matching motor scooter.

  “What's up, boss man?” he asked, pulling up alongside him.

  “I was wondering what I should do with these two,” Billy said, pointing at the Sassafras Siblings. They seemed to have regained consciousness and were now sitting up, their bulging and bloodshot eyes attempting to focus.

  “Sweet serpents' saliva!” Archebold exclaimed. “Those are the Sassafras Siblings!”

  “No kiddin',” Billy said. “They came looking for me and attacked my Halloween costume extravaganza.”

  “Oh dear,” the goblin gasped, his stubby fingers going to his mouth. “Did anybody see them…I mean, anybody of the human persuasion?”

  Billy nodded. “Oh yeah, they were seen all right. They got taken out onstage in front of at least two hundred assorted family and friends.”

  “Ouch!” Archebold said, his face screwing up in imaginary pain.

  “I can just imagine the damage control for this one. At least I'v
e got a good imagination,” Billy said. “And speaking of damage control, is it all right to leave these guys here with you so I can get back and see how much trouble I'm going to be in?”

  Archebold reached into his tuxedo jacket pocket and produced an enormous walkie-talkie. “Come in, Fleabag, this is Gorgeous Goblin, do you copy? Come in, Fleabag, come in. This is Gorgeous…”

  Halifax suddenly stepped from the shadows in front of Billy and Archebold, both of them screaming at the same time.

  “There you are,” Archebold said, his hand clenched to his chest. “You just about gave me a heart attack.”

  “Why is my code name Fleabag?” the troll asked, casually scratching at the large tuft of fur that hung from his hairy armpit.

  “Never mind that,” Archebold said. “We're going to need a transport cage so we can get these vile villains over to Chief Bloodwart and…”

  The troll was suddenly gone and the sound of enormous footfalls filled the darkness.

  “What the heck?” Billy yelled over the booming step.

  It was before them suddenly—a gigantic robot, what little source of light there was in the darkness of the tunnels reflecting off its metal surface.

  Billy didn't know what to think. Were the Sassafrasses about to be rescued by a faithful member of their gang or another villain looking to team up with the motley pair? Stuff like that happens all the time in comics.

  But then Billy realized that there was something oddly familiar about the giant machine. And then he noticed that the giant robot was carrying a transport cage, and it all became clear.

  “We are saved, Brother!” Sireena slurred, trying to get to her feet but falling back down on her ample butt. “I feel like I've been rolled down a flight of stone steps,” she muttered, again trying to stand.

  “Who is our mysterious saviour?” Sigmund asked, not even bothering to try to stand. “The Ghostly Gang, perhaps, or maybe even Dr. Sticky—he was always fascinated by mechanical men.”