Book Girl and the Wayfarer's Lamentation

by Mizuki Nomura

  I started to take it from her, but she told me, “Turn around,” and helped me into my coat considerately. As she was doing it, she whispered in a calm, quiet voice, “Don’t push yourself too hard, Konoha. When you feel like your heart and body are in pain, you need to stop and rest sometimes.”

  “…Okay.”

  My quenched throat grew hot again, and I felt a creaking ache in my chest.

  I’d wound up causing her to worry.

  Tohko changed into a coat, too.

  “You were unconscious, so you probably don’t know the way, do you? I’ll take you that far.”

  “Thanks.”

  I went out into the hall with Tohko, feeling guilty. It looked like Ryuto’s house was built entirely in a traditional Japanese style. Like Akutagawa’s house, it was spacious and didn’t feel stuffy and formal; the construction was more cozy and rustic. When we opened the sliding front door, it made a soft rattling noise.

  Outside the world was wrapped in cold darkness.

  A persimmon tree grew beside the front gate. As we were passing through it, a taxi stopped right in front of us, and a lithe woman wearing high heels and wrapped up in a long coat climbed out.

  “Oh, Aunt Sakurai,” Tohko called out to her brightly. “I’m just going down to the corner. I’ll be right back.”

  Was this remarkably pretty woman part of the family? It was impossible to tell how old she was. She looked straight at my face, almost accusingly.

  “Uh, hello. I’m, uh, Inoue. Tohko’s underclassman. I was just leaving.”

  Her gaze slid away, and she passed by us in silence and went into the house.

  “I’ll be baaaack!” Tohko said in an even more upbeat voice, showing no sign that the encounter had affected her.

  “Who was that?”

  Tohko answered with a grin as we walked.

  “That’s Mrs. Sakurai. She’s Ryuto’s mom.”

  “What?!”

  She looked nothing like him! She was too young! Plus she’d looked angry.

  “Um, are you sure it was okay for me to just come over like that?”

  But Tohko brushed it off.

  “No way. She wasn’t frowning because of you, don’t worry. When she’s got a lot of work, she just hates talking to people.”

  “Oh.”

  And actually…I remembered that when the police had helped Tohko and said they were going to call her guardian, she had sobbed, “I can’t ask Mrs. Sakurai to come and pick me up.”

  She asked me now, “What’s wrong? You’re not saying anything. What are you thinking about, Konoha?”

  “The time you assaulted those detectives.”

  Instantly she clocked me on the head.

  “You don’t have to remember every little detail about stuff like that!” she said, her face bright red, and still fuming, she started walking farther ahead.

  In the light of the moon, her cat tail braids bobbed up and down.

  “Tohko…”

  “I’m totally, totally done!”

  Step by step by step, Tohko looked like she would keep moving off forever and ever, so I softly took hold of her right arm.

  “Thanks a lot. Here is fine.”

  When Tohko turned around, she wasn’t frowning.

  She was dejected and looking up at me worriedly.

  “I came here once before, so I pretty much know the way from here. You go home and study. I’m sorry for all the trouble I caused today.”

  “Are you sure you’re okay?”

  Her voice trembled ever so slightly. Had I looked so haunted that I’d caused Tohko to worry this much?

  My chest constricted sharply. I was sure that Tohko had seen through to my weakness, as I stood locked, unable to act, between Miu, Kotobuki, and Akutagawa.

  I gave a short “yes” in response and let go of Tohko’s arm.

  “Thanks for walking with me.”

  “Konoha—I’m on voluntary attendance, so I won’t be coming to school very much. But if you need anything, call me, okay?”

  “I will. But stop worrying about me, and do your best on your exams.”

  At some point, the moon became obscured by clouds. Still downcast, Tohko watched me go with a morose expression.

  The next day, Sunday, I went to the hospital.

  Miu sat up in bed and latched onto me happily.

  “Hooray! You didn’t come yesterday, so I was worried that maybe you forgot about me.”

  “I would never do that.”

  “Really? You didn’t go see Kotobuki or anything?”

  She inclined her head and peeked up at me from below, and a shot went through my chest.

  “No, I didn’t.”

  “Then did you see Kazushi? Did he try to convince you that I’m a liar?”

  Every time Miu said something, every time she fixed her eyes on mine, every time the fragrance of soap tickled my nostrils, it pierced my heart and a thick, heavy object seemed to rest in my spirit.

  “Well? What happened, Konoha? Did Kazushi say something?”

  “Even when I see Akutagawa in class, we don’t talk at all. So you don’t have to worry about stuff like that.”

  Instantly her shoulders fell, and her face became sad like a small child’s.

  “I’m sorry, Konoha. Were you angry?”

  “Why would I be angry?”

  “You’re right, but…you looked so grim.”

  “Miu…”

  I probably ought to ask about Kotobuki falling down the stairs. Whether Miu was there.

  My heart constricted tightly, and sweat covered my palms.

  “What, Ko-no-ha?”

  Miu looked up at me with her perfectly transparent eyes.

  I moved my lips as if I were suffocating. Bitter, sour breath escaped me. My throat hurt. Miu enveloped my cheeks in both her hands and gave a slight smile.

  “It was like this in middle school, too, remember? Haraguchi slapped you out of nowhere and told you that she hated you, and you were so dejected. I asked you what happened, but you wouldn’t tell me anything, remember?”

  It was true. That had happened.

  In the first year of middle school, a girl in our class suddenly slapped me full on the face and told me, “I hate you!”

  I didn’t have a clue what I had done to make the girl that upset, and the other girls gave me such cold looks, too, that I’d become depressed, thinking that I had done something bad. But Miu had gently wrapped both hands over my cheeks and comforted me, just like she was doing now.

  “It doesn’t even matter if those girls hate you. You’ve got me. I’m the only one on your side.”

  “Kotobuki looks a little like Haraguchi, don’t you think? And then Kazushi…he’s like your friend Mine.”

  Mine was a cheerful, energetic boy with the personality of a leader who had been my friend since elementary school.

  “Mine and Akutagawa are nothing alike.”

  “Yes, they are.” Miu’s eyes became a little sharper. “Mine betrayed you and hurt you, too.”

  My heart stirred in its depths.

  I didn’t think anything big enough to call betrayal or injury had happened between us. It was just that my relationship with Mine had soured without me realizing it.

  Even after we started middle school, we had gone to the pool over vacation, or I had gone to cheer for Mine when he had soccer games, or we had stood around talking in the halls. But we slowly started to see each other less and less frequently, and even when we did, Mine started to leave without saying a word to me.

  “He pretended to be your best friend, but then he still stopped talking to you. Which made you sad. Just like how Kazushi is ignoring you. I feel so bad for you. You didn’t do anything wrong.”

  It wasn’t like that—

  My protest got as far as my throat. Akutagawa wasn’t ignoring me. I was sure he was suffering, too, right now.

  I wanted to tell her that, but Miu was looking at me with her kind, clear eyes, so I couldn’t. Her soft
palms enfolded my cheeks warmly.

  “It’s all right, Konoha. You’ve got me. I’m the only one on your side.”

  I listened to those sweet words she whispered, just as she had when we were in middle school, with a pang; it was like they were digging out my flesh.

  I promised I would come again tomorrow and closed the door to her hospital room.

  As I walked down the hallway, the inside of my brain was obscured by the self-loathing I felt, and it started to feel like my chest would rip open. I knew this was wrong—knew that I had to clear things up with Akutagawa and Kotobuki.

  But I was pathetic. I was a coward.

  “Konohaaa.”

  Someone had called my name suddenly, and I jumped and looked up.

  A puppylike girl with fluffy hair and a friendly smile was coming speedily through the front lobby.

  “It is you, Konoha!”

  “Takeda…”

  The first-year Takeda, who worked as a library aide, came to a cheerful stop right in front of me.

  “Hello. You’re here to see Nanase, right? Me, too. Are you going home?”

  “…No.”

  “Oh, you’re just now going? Awesome. Then let’s go together.”

  Her large eyes whirling over me, she made the invitation exuberantly, and my chest felt even more like it was ripping apart.

  “I’m sorry, I can’t go today.”

  “What? But—”

  I apologized again and moved toward the automatic doors at the entrance, as if fleeing.

  “Oh—Konoha…”

  Coward.

  I felt as if someone right next to me had said that, the voice stabbing into my ear.

  That evening, I got a call from Takeda.

  “What happened today, Konoha?”

  “I just remembered something I had to do all of a sudden.”

  “Are you suuuure?” she asked in a cheerfully suspicious voice.

  “Nanase was totally depressed, too, so something’s up.”

  When I said nothing, Takeda gave a little laugh, surrendering. “Well, I’m sure you have your reeeeasons. Nanase looked pretty defeated, so you know her boyfriend’s gotta follow up with her about that.”

  Feeling as if layers were being scraped away from my heart, I responded, “Uh-huh.” Instantly my throat squeezed tight, and breathing became more difficult.

  “Seriously, try to take care. Oh, by the way…I ran into Tohko’s little brother at the hospital.”

  “Ryuto?”

  “Yeah. He had flowers, so I think he was visiting someone. And then—”

  Takeda’s voice broke off suddenly, and her thoughtful silence dragged out.

  Just as I was starting to get suspicious…

  “Oh, sorry. It’s nothing.”

  She said it in a slightly singsong tone; from there she went back to her usual cheerful voice.

  “I should get going. Good night, Konoha.”

  “Okay, good night.”

  And then the conversation was over.

  I looked down at the cell phone on which our call had ended and debated whether or not to write a message to Kotobuki or to call Akutagawa, but I bit down on my lip and closed the phone.

  * * *

  Note:

  I just couldn’t allow it, just couldn’t stand it, and I made the call. I hung up in the middle of it. Phones are so useless.

  You outspoken, uppity jerk! Don’t say my name like you know me!

  But maybe—just maybe—he could come in handy.

  B hates the sight of her, too, apparently. She said Konoha was just riding her influence.

  B’s plan is pretty good. I’m positive Konoha will come see me.

  Chapter 5—The Defeated Youth

  I couldn’t talk to Akutagawa the next day, either.

  If anyone knew the story behind Kotobuki falling down the stairs at the hospital, it would probably be him.

  But I couldn’t figure out a good lead-in to that conversation.

  I was thinking about Akutagawa all during class.

  During math, the teacher called on Akutagawa, and as he stood up and went to the blackboard to write his answer, I watched his perfectly straight back clad in his uniform and felt a sting. Because of that, my heart was crushed, and when he finished writing his answer and came back, I dropped my eyes and pretended to be reading my textbook.

  During the break, I felt someone’s eyes on me and turned around and saw that Akutagawa was looking over at me and frowning with a tortured, melancholy look. Again, I felt as if talons were clamped onto my chest, and I hurriedly turned back around.

  “Kazushi is like your friend Mine.”

  “Mine betrayed you and hurt you, too.…Just like how Kazushi is ignoring you.”

  Miu wasn’t even here. But it was as if she stood between Akutagawa and me, beaming.

  I was the one who’d said I needed time, so I had to be the one to start talking to Akutagawa.

  School ended without us ever saying a word to each other, and I headed to the hospital feeling bleak.

  I couldn’t see Kotobuki yet, feeling like this.

  Gritting my teeth against the creaking pain in my chest, I climbed the stairs with legs heavy like lead and knocked on the door to Miu’s room.

  “Come in, Konoha! I’ve been waiting for you!”

  Miu was in bed with her cell phone open, but she snapped it closed, and a shining smile came over her face.

  There were orange and yellow roses arranged in a vase, which decorated her bedside table.

  The flowers hadn’t been there when I’d left yesterday.

  “Those are pretty flowers…did someone come visit you?”

  Miu bent her lips in apparent displeasure.

  “A relative. They’re obnoxious, and I don’t like them. I wish they’d stop coming,” she said; then her face broke immediately into a grin. “Oh! But you’re different, Konoha! I wait for you, heart pounding, every day. When the bell at the train station rings, I think, Oh, I wonder if Konoha is coming again today.”

  As I found myself near the verge of melting into her sweet eyes, I forced my voice out.

  “Miu, there’s something I want to ask you about what happened with Kotobuki.”

  “No!”

  Miu whipped her head away.

  “I don’t want to talk about a malicious person like her.”

  I felt a twinge in my chest.

  “Miu, did Kotobuki really do something mean to you? Are you sure you didn’t misinterpret it?”

  When I said that, Miu turned around and glared at me.

  “Are you doubting me? You believe her more?”

  Pinned down by her vehemence, I swallowed my words, and Miu asked me, her face serious, “Konoha, do you…like me?”

  Her eyes the color of tea looked straight up into mine.

  “C’mon…do you?”

  Ever since we were little, Miu had often teasingly asked me, “Do you like me?”

  “Konoha, do you like me? Look me in the eye and say it.”

  I would get embarrassed, and my cheeks would turn bright red, and I would stumble over my words, and when she saw that, Miu would always giggle in amusement.

  But the way Miu looked at me right now was colder than back then, was more transparent, and it was like my heart had been run through with the naked blade of a sword.

  “Well? Tell me. Do you like me, Konoha?”

  I do…

  I tried to tell her that, but the words came to a halt, as if they were being shoved down my throat.

  “If you really do like me, don’t ever speak to Kotobuki or Kazushi again.”

  “I can’t…”

  “Make a promise like that?”

  Inclining her head. Her fingers, warm with the heat of her body, slowly tracing across my cheek and chin. Her long nails lightly scraping my skin. Each time a faint electric current running down my spine.

  Looking at me with a cold face, Miu threw off her blankets with one hand. She pulled up he
r nightdress and showed me her bare white legs.

  “My nails grew out. Will you cut them for me?”

  “Wh—?”

  “There’s nail clippers in the basket.”

  “But—”

  Her eyes filled with a gentle smile at my hesitation.

  “I can’t cut them on my own. Please.”

  A tangle of transparent threads closed sharply around my chest.

  Fumbling through the basket next to the vase of flowers, I found the cute, sky-blue nail clippers mixed in with a brush and lip gloss.

  Miu’s face grew cold again. She sat on the edge of the bed and dangled her legs over the side.

  When I knelt down on the floor, her exposed legs were thrust into my line of sight.

  I hesitantly touched her delicate ankle, and the fragrance of soap blossomed in my nose. Her toes, as small as a child’s, were pure white, as if they were made of wax. Her toenails weren’t as long as the ones on her fingers.

  Click…

  I clipped her pinkie nail. The white nail dropped onto my lap.

  Miu gave a tiny smile and squirmed, as if it tickled.

  The air grew suddenly humid, and sweat beaded on the back of my neck. And yet my fingertips were cold and rigid against Miu’s skin.

  Click…

  Click…!

  Each time I cut a nail, the sound seemed to stab into my heart. Her fallen nails lay like the corpses of insects in my lap.

  I finished her right foot and then finished cutting her entire left foot, and when I started to gather the clipped nails in my palm, Miu stuck her right foot in front of my nose again.

  “Kiss it, Konoha.”

  Still kneeling on the floor, I looked up at her in shock. The smile disappeared completely from her face, and she looked down at me arrogantly.

  “You can do it, can’t you?”

  A sweet, cold voice.

  “After all, you’re my dog, Konoha.”