[Bad Motherpuckers 02.0] Sexy Motherpucker

by Lili Valente

  The words have barely passed my lips when something warm and smelling pleasantly of campfire with a hint of musk collides with my backside, sending me stumbling forward a few unsteady steps.

  “Oh my God, I’m sorry!” A female giggle follows the apology and a slim hand grips my arm. “Are you okay? Did I hurt you?” She giggles again, as if the idea of injuring strangers amuses her.

  I smile, figuring it’s probably time to lay off the whiskey if a collision with a kid half my size has me off balance. I can’t see the girl’s face well in the dim light from the sliver of moon, but she’s tiny, probably no more than sixteen or seventeen. “No, I’m fine. But should you be down here by yourself?”

  “Should you be down here by yourself?” She brings a cigarette to her lips and inhales, making the tip flare. “I hear this beach has killer mermaids.” She giggles again as she exhales, sending that musky, almost skunky smell drifting through the air again, making me realize that’s no cigarette.

  “Killer mermaids?” I ask, deciding to play along. “Is that right?”

  She nods. “Killer, carnivorous mermaids. And they like guys like you most of all.” She grips my arm again, giving my bicep a squeeze. “Mmm, yes, nice juicy muscles. So dee-lish-usssss…”

  I flex beneath her touch because I am a man and it’s hardwired into my DNA to flex like a cheesy bastard when my muscles are fondled, even if the person feeling me up is a wasted teenager.

  “Nice,” she says, clucking her tongue as she squeezes my other arm. “Too bad you’re going to be mermaid-bait pretty soon.”

  “So it’s too late, you think? To make a run for safety?”

  She nods with a heavy sigh. “Yes, sadly, it’s too late. They’ll be here any second. Can’t you hear them? Laughing in the waves?”

  We both go silent for a moment, listening, before my wasted companion starts giggling again. “Sorry,” she says, “That was me. Don’t be afraid. That was me laughing.”

  “Yeah, I could tell.” I arch an amused brow. “Maybe you should put that out, and save the rest for later?”

  “I’m sorry. Where are my manners?” She moves the blunt between us. “You want some? It’s good. Smooth, not too heavy. Takes the edge off a shit start to the weekend.”

  “No thanks, I don’t smoke,” I say, beginning to think I’ve misjudged her age. Yes, she’s petite, but the world-weary note in her voice is pure disillusioned grownup. “I’m Tanner, by the way.”

  “Hey, Tanner.” She accepts the hand I hold out, shaking it firmly. “You here for the party? Back there?”

  “Yeah. You?” I wonder if she’s someone’s girlfriend and realize I don’t like how that wondering makes me feel. I haven’t even seen this woman—or girl, I’m still not sure—clearly, and I’m already starting to develop a crush.

  Fuck, I need to get laid. Or stop drinking whiskey. Or both.

  “Nah.” She shakes her head, making her ponytail—blonde, I think, or light brown, and a little curly—swish. “Just here to help with a family thing. My brother’s girlfriend proposed to him tonight and needed me to help facilitate the fucking romance.”

  I grunt. “That’s crazy. My friend proposed to his girlfriend tonight, too. I was in charge of guarding the stairwell to make sure no one disturbed them until she said yes.”

  “And did she?”

  “Yeah. How about your brother?”

  She makes an exasperated growling sound. “Yes. And it was ridiculously romantic, and they cried because they’re so happy and in love.” She takes another pull on her joint, holding the smoke in as she adds, “If I didn’t love them so much, I would have vomited. I’m so over happy couples right now. They’re so fucking gross.”

  I grin. “They are kind of gross.”

  “Totally gross.” She nudges me with her elbow. “So I guess you aren’t living happily ever after?”

  “Not currently, how about you?”

  She snorts. “No. Not now, not ever. Ten years of trying, and all I’ve got to show for it is a handful of Mr. Wrongs and a Mr. Right I broke up with because I dated him too soon after Mr. Super Duper Wrong and was too stupid to see that I was running away from the best thing that had ever happened to me. And now he’s engaged, too, and life is dumb, and I’m done with relationships. I’m probably going to move to Tibet and become a monk.”

  “Aren’t monks men?”

  “Yeah.” She shrugs as she drops the nub her joint has become to the ground and toes sand over it. “I’ll have to pretend to be a guy, I guess. But how hard can that be? Just cut my hair, drop my voice, walk funny, and check to make sure my dick is still there a lot. Easy.”

  I tilt my head, studying her face, which I’m finally able to see better now that the clouds covering the moon have been swept away by the wind. She’s pretty. Very pretty. With full lips that dominate her pixie face and expressive eyebrows that make squiggles above her eyes as she asks, “What?”

  “Nothing. I just think you might be too pretty to pull off pretending to be a guy. Sorry.”

  “You should be sorry. I hate it when sexy men with nice muscles tell me I’m pretty.” She grins up at me as she places a hand on my chest and leans in to add in a confidential whisper, “Just in case you’re wondering, I’m hitting on you, and I think we should make out on the sand. What do you think?”

  I blink, surprised, but not at all opposed to the idea, assuming…

  “How old are you?” I step closer. If she’s been dating for ten years, she’s got to be at least in her early twenties, but it’s better safe than sorry.

  “Older than you are, Muscle Boy. Does that matter?”

  “I’m twenty-four,” I say, seriously doubting her claim. She looks twenty-one, maybe twenty-two, tops.

  “Twenty-seven.” Her arms go around my neck, and her breasts press against my chest, proving she’s curvier than I thought, too. “Is that enough getting to know each other? Can we casually make out now?”

  My lips part, but before I can speak, she’s pushed up on tiptoe and pressed her lips to mine. And I don’t know if it’s the whiskey, or the dark beach and the crash of the waves, or the strange, yet oddly comforting conversation—I’m not the only one who’s alone and not too pleased about it—but the kiss is…incredible.

  She tastes like woodsy, slightly funky smoke, but sweet, too. A perfect mixture of bad influence and warm, sexy woman. And as we tumble to the sand, I find myself feeling happier than I have in a damned long time.

  We kiss for what seems like hours, like teenagers—hot, hungry, hands roaming, but never slipping under clothes—before she whispers against my lips, “Thank you. I needed to touch someone tonight.”

  “You’re welcome,” I say, my next words slipping out before I can think better of them. “You can sleep over if you want. I’m staying at the house back there. King bed, plenty of room, no pressure to take things any further.”

  “Oh, Muscle Boy…” She sighs as her hand skims down my stomach to hover close to where my canvas shorts are strained at the front. Her fingers tease back and forth between my skin and the button holding the fabric closed, making the hard-on situation even more…pressing. “If I went back to your room, I would want a lot more than kissing.”

  “That’s fine, too.” All my promises not to start something this summer are forgotten as I imagine how insanely good it’s going to feel to make my beach pixie come and finally break my seven-month dry spell.

  “No, it’s not.” She pulls away, out of my arms, moving to sit beside me on the sand. “I have to go home.”

  “I can call a car for you in the morning,” I say. “First thing.”

  She shakes her head. “Can’t. I’m moving tomorrow, and I still have to pack. My friend is coming to pick me up in half an hour. I promised her I would be out by noon. I think she’s sick of having my life exploded all over her living room.”

  I nod, crestfallen, but trying not to show it. It’s pretty clear she’s not interested in more than casual beach kisses
and an easy “see ya later.” But I can’t seem to stop myself from saying, “What about tomorrow night? Can I take you to dinner? Maybe bowling or something?”

  She grins, giggling again as she leans in, resting her head on my shoulder. “Oh, you’re sweet. Very, very sweet.” She kisses my arm, right where my T-shirt ends. “But I’m not that kind of girl anymore, Muscle Boy. You keep looking. Find yourself someone sweet and new who isn’t cursed with the worst love-life luck on the planet.”

  I start to protest—to tell her I’m not afraid of bad luck—but before I can speak, her lips are on mine. She kisses me again, until I’m even harder, aching, dying to roll her beneath me in the sand and make her feel so good she’ll change her mind about staying with me tonight and dinner tomorrow.

  But when I move to guide her on top of me, she pulls away, standing up and backing across the sand so fast she’s already disappearing into the darkness when she says, “Good luck, Tanner. Thank you again.”

  Then she’s gone, and I’m alone.

  And suddenly the thought of waking up tomorrow surrounded by people in love is intolerable. With another pull on my flask, I head up the beach and march straight to my room, throwing my shit into my bag as I call for a car. I rode here with Saunders and his girlfriend, but I’m sure they won’t mind making the return trip alone.

  Hell, they’ll prefer it, no doubt.

  No fucking doubt…

  And there is no doubt in my mind that I’m never going to see my sexy beach pixie again. By the time I tumble into my bed at home an hour later, she’s already becoming something distant, a memory touched by magic. The entire encounter was too strange to be real. Maybe she was one of those killer mermaids she warned me about, come onto the beach to hunt for men stupid enough to wander too close to the waves.

  For all I know, I could have barely escaped with my life.

  The thought is ridiculous, childish even, but it makes the rejection sting less, and by the time I wake up the next morning I’ve all but forgotten about the girl I kissed last night.

  When Brendan, my team captain calls, telling me his little sister’s new living situation fell through, and asking if I’m still looking for a roommate, I don’t for a single second consider the chance that I might have met his sister before. That I might have kissed her, rocked against her through our clothes, wanted to make love to her more than I’ve wanted anything in a very, very long time.

  I’m clueless and say yes without a second thought, not realizing what a serious fucking mistake I’ve made until I answer the front door an hour later to find Beach Pixie standing on my doorstep, wearing cut-offs, a tank top so thin it should be illegal, and a shocked expression that matches my own.

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