Hold Her Again

by Shannon Stacey

  “It was one of the church ladies, but I forget her name.” Not that it mattered. “You sang because it made you happy.”

  “And then it didn’t anymore.”

  The thought of her not finding joy in music anymore broke his heart. “So I took that from you, too.”

  “You had nothing to do with it. Just not much of a future in being a bar singer, I guess.”

  He winced, but it had to be said. It all had to be said, if there was even a hope of her forgiving him. “I’m sorry I made the choice I did, Ava.”

  She actually turned her head to look at him then, her mouth curved in a humorless smile. “Yeah, I know. You got so famous singing about it, I had to hear it on the radio for months.”

  Ouch. “I express myself through music. Always have, and you did, too. Even if you’re not singing, I hope you’re still writing.”

  She gave a little shrug that could have meant anything, and then returned her gaze to whatever spot she’d been staring at. “You’re not really sorry you made that choice, though, are you? Like, you’re really not happy all your dreams came true?”

  “Not all of them.” Her jaw tightened and the beer can crinkled a little in her grip, but she didn’t say anything. He didn’t want her to get up and walk away, so he veered off the subject of the past. “Tell me what you’ve been up to.”

  She shrugged. “I work for my parents at the café with my best friend. I own my own home. I got married. Got divorced. Bought my Jeep.”

  Jace had stopped listening halfway through. “You got married?”

  “Yeah.”

  He couldn’t even put words to the feelings that overwhelmed him at that moment. Ava had married somebody else. And that was her right, since he’d left her, but it made him wish he’d cracked open that bottle of whiskey after all.

  “Cody Marsh started showing up a while after I moved home from St. Louis. He was sweet and I was lonely.”

  “So you married him?”

  “Yeah, I got married, Jace. To Cody Marsh. Did you think I just took to my bed and pined for you the last five and a half years?”

  “Of course not.” Though the thought of her exchanging vows with another man was like a fist in the chest. And being able to put a face to the man who’d lain her down on their wedding night was worse, like a kick to the balls. “But that guy?”

  “Cody’s a good guy and you know it. And his biggest dream in life was saving up to buy a decent bass boat someday.”

  He was the kind of guy who was content with the hand he’d been dealt and wouldn’t leave her behind, looking for something better. She didn’t need to say it out loud for Jace to get the message. “How long were you married?”

  “Nine months. He fell in love with a woman who lives in Arkansas.” She paused and chuckled, the first humor he’d seen from her. “They met on a chat site for people who love bass boats.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “He said I’d been cheating on him with the memory of you the entire time, and I couldn’t say he was wrong.”

  Hope flared in Jace, though he was careful not to show it. Maybe she’d never gotten over him any more than he’d been able to get over her, and there was a chance. Not just a chance to face what he’d done to her and hopefully find forgiveness, but maybe even a chance to win back her heart.

  “It was a pretty deep observation for Cody,” she continued. “And I guess since I just helped him pack and wished him well, he had a point. What about you?”

  “I’ve dated some, but nothing serious.” He knew he was pushing, but he couldn’t help adding the truth. “Never found anybody who could replace you.”

  Ava didn’t say anything for a long time, and he forced himself not to fill the silence. She fiddled with the tab on her beer can until it broke off in her hand, and then she took a long drink.

  “Good thing you have your money and awards and all those screaming fans to keep you warm.”

  “But I don’t have you.” She stood abruptly and set the beer can on the seat of the chair. “I’m sorry, Ava. Please don’t go.”

  Her hands curled into fists and, too late, he realized the mistake. She’d said those words to him in St. Louis. Please don’t go.

  “No, you don’t have me, Jace. That was a choice you made for both of us. But I’m sure you know that, since you wrote a song about it.”

  He didn’t bother calling after her as she walked to her Jeep and got in. There was nothing he could say right now that would make her stay, and he’d only upset her even more. Everything she said was the truth, and he’d pushed too hard.

  But he wasn’t going to give up. Even Cody Marsh, who’d been dumb as a box of rocks when they were growing up, had been able to see she still carried a torch for Jace. It would take time and patience to prove to her he wasn’t the stupid kid he’d been in St. Louis.

  For the first time, he wished he had more time in Cottonwood Creek.

  Chapter Four

  “I heard you shook his hand for a very long time at the funeral home—which I’m sad I offered to work for, since everybody was at the funeral and it was the most boring night ever—and that you skipped the reception at the church, but I guess I don’t need to ask if you got any sleep last night.”

  Ava rolled her eyes at Whitney while tying the short apron around her waist. “I went to my parents’ last night for cake and when I drove by the Morrow house, Jace was sitting on the porch alone. I’m stupid, so I stopped.”

  Her friend’s eyebrows shot practically to her hairline. “Um, I didn’t mean that kind of didn’t get any sleep last night. I meant the tossing and turning kind.”

  “It was the tossing and turning kind. I didn’t sleep with him, dumbass.” Not that the idea wasn’t without some merit. It had been a while for her and lord knew Jace knew what he was doing, but there was no way she could scratch that itch without her emotions getting all tangled up in it.

  “Why didn’t you call me? What was it like seeing him again? What did you talk about?”

  “Maybe I should have come in early so we could catch up.”

  “Please. There are like three people here and I already took care of them.”

  “Fine.” She wouldn’t get any peace until she’d spilled, so she might as well get it over with. “When I drove by the house, he was just sitting there alone and it was sad. It was stupid to stop, but I couldn’t help it.”

  “That’s just how you are. You would have stopped no matter who it was if you saw somebody alone and sad after a funeral in their family.”

  “It was so weird and...he said stuff.”

  “Stuff?” Whitney held up her hands. “You have to give me more than that.”

  “He said he was sorry he made the choice he did. And that he dated, but never seriously because he never found anybody who could replace me.”

  “That’s so sweet.” Whitney’s expression was dreamy all of a sudden, and Ava crossed her arms.

  “Hey. Focus.”

  “Sorry. He’s an asshole.” She pressed her lips together, but she obviously couldn’t hold it in. “But he’s missed you.”

  She’d missed him, too. But he was leaving again and there was no way in hell she could open herself up to that kind of pain again. “Don’t.”

  “How did you leave things?”

  Ava shrugged. “When he implied he wasn’t happy because he doesn’t have me, I got mad and left.”

  “Okay.”

  “And then I went home and went to bed, where I replayed the conversation over and over and over in my head for hours.” She sighed. “Except for the ice cream I got up and ate at two in the morning, I mostly did the tossing and turning thing until it was time to get up.”

  The bell rang over the front door and Ava turned, even though she couldn’t see anything th
rough the small window in the swinging door. It had taken her a long time to break the habit of looking to see if it was Jace every time she heard that bell, but it certainly hadn’t taken long to redevelop it.

  “I guess I should be out front,” she said.

  “Wanna switch?” Whitney asked. “I’ll serve and you cook.”

  Ava laughed. “Yeah, that went so well last time we tried.”

  She was a decent cook when she was making the food for one meal for a set number of people. Like only one or two people, preferably. But juggling different foods and constantly incoming orders had been such a disaster that a regular customer left and drove to her parents’ house to complain to her dad.

  Going out front, she found a regular customer who liked a turkey sandwich and lots of coffee while he read whatever book he had with him, so he wasn’t much of a distraction. After checking on the customers who’d already been served by Whitney during the short window between Beth leaving and Ava arriving, she did some of the busy work, like filling salt and pepper shakers and restocking the sugar containers.

  The bell rang again and she looked up.

  It was Jace, and his eyes found her immediately, as if drawn there by some kind of magnetic force. His walking through that door had been inevitable. She knew about the gift certificate her mom had written out and he was too well-mannered not to use it. But after the night she’d had, she wouldn’t have minded a little more time to get her emotional feet under her before seeing him again.

  He stopped just inside the door, tilting his head slightly as if to ask if it was okay. And she knew if she shook her head, he’d turn around and leave without making a fuss. But she waved a hand at the empty row of tables and then shoved more sugar packets into the already full box to give herself a few more seconds.

  Once she was finished, she grabbed a menu and went over to greet him. He chuckled when she handed the menu to him, but she just gave him a polite smile. “It hasn’t changed much, but there are a few new things on there. What can I bring you to drink?”

  “Coffee.” He smiled at her, but it didn’t reach his eyes. “The stronger, the better.”

  He looked as tired as she felt, and she was halfway to the coffeemaker when she remembered Brian was laid to rest in the cemetery this morning. The funeral director had stressed the word private, and she couldn’t help wondering if he’d invited anybody to be there with him. Or if he’d even gone himself, though a man who drove halfway across the country to do right by his father surely wouldn’t skip that part.

  When she brought him his coffee, he was still reading the menu and he idly scrubbed one hand over his jaw. The scruff that was part of his country-boy charm was already making an appearance after he’d shaven it for the service.

  “I’m not really hungry,” he finally confessed. “But I know I need to eat something, and I don’t want to hurt the church ladies’ feelings by not using the gift certificate they gave me.”

  After glancing around to make sure nobody was trying to get her attention, Ava pulled out the chair across from him and sat down. He looked surprised for a second, and then his face softened into a smile.

  “Did you go this morning?”

  He nodded. “Yeah. I couldn’t not go, but I wasn’t sure I could handle doing the whole ceremony thing with the entire town twice. And it’s probably selfish, but he went in next to my mom and I haven’t been to visit her since I left. I just needed some time.”

  “You don’t have to explain it to me. It just makes me sad to think you were there alone.” Maybe she was revealing too much as far as still caring about him, but she’d burned that bridge when she told him Cody had accused her of still loving Jace.

  “I’m used to being alone.” When she gave him a disbelieving look, he took a sip of coffee before responding. “I know it sounds stupid. I’m surrounded by people almost all the time and yet I’m still lonely. It’s hard to explain, I guess. And I deserve it.”

  “Nobody deserves to be lonely,” she said in a quiet voice. She lived alone, but she was surrounded by people who’d known her for her entire life. She had her parents and Whitney and so many other people who cared about her. With no family or friends who’d been with him since he was just Jace, not the Jace Morrow, she couldn’t imagine how lonely that could be at times. “Now that you’ve buried your dad, I guess you’ll head back to Nashville?”

  He looked at her a long time before sighing and shifting his gaze to his coffee mug. “There’s the house to deal with still.”

  “I’m willing to bet you have people who could handle all that. Either that or fame and fortune aren’t all they’re cracked up to be.”

  That got a smile out of him. “I could do that. Hell, they could have handled everything for me and I wouldn’t even have to show up.”

  “But you didn’t do that.”

  “It didn’t feel right. My old man and I didn’t have a good relationship, but he was my father.” He looked up at her, his gaze holding hers. “And, truth be told, I wanted to see you again.”

  His voice was low so nobody else could hear the words, but they still hit her like a sledgehammer. It was hard enough seeing him and knowing the old feelings were still simmering just under the surface. But to hear him say outright he’d come back to see her changed everything.

  But not enough to make her forget what it felt like to watch him walk away. “If Brian hadn’t passed away, would you have come back?”

  He didn’t want to be honest. She could see it on his face, and then he held his hands out, palms up. “Honestly? I don’t know. Even after so long, I’m not sure I’d have the strength to come back here and find you married with a bunch of kids. Or so over me, you’d just smile and wave. Hell, I didn’t even know for sure you were still in Cottonwood Creek. I didn’t let myself dig into your life on the internet because it didn’t seem healthy, but I thought about you all the time. I don’t know if I’d have had the guts to come back and find out if you still think about me, though.”

  She did. All the time. “I guess you didn’t want to see me badly enough, then.”

  “I’ve wanted to see you every day since I left.”

  She shook her head. Then you shouldn’t have left. She didn’t bother saying the words. It was a never-ending circle because it would always come back to that night in St. Louis and she couldn’t forget that. Instead she stood. “You need to eat. What do you want?”

  “Ava, don’t.”

  “What is it you want from me, Jace? Do you want me to tell you it’s okay? That I forgive you and wish you the best?” She didn’t give him a chance to answer. “I can’t do this with you. It’s painful and every time I look at you, I remember how much I loved you. But I also remember how much you can and will hurt me.”

  Sorrow and regret washed over his features, but he nodded. “I understand that. Every time I look around at my life in Nashville, I remember what it cost me. And every time I look at you, I remember how much I hurt you. I want to change that.”

  “You can’t change the past.” She heard her voice getting louder and took a deep breath, praying she hadn’t gotten loud enough to draw attention from the other end of the café. “You need to eat and I have other customers to see to.”

  After a heavy sigh, he handed her the menu. “I’ll have the open-faced meatloaf sandwich, I guess. With extra gravy, please.”

  She’d written that request on her order pad before the words left his mouth, which irked her for no good reason. Of course she knew he liked extra gravy. He’d been eating at the café for more years than he’d been away.

  After doing a quick circuit to refill coffee mugs, Ava took the order slip into the kitchen, where Whitney was waiting. She must also have been spying through the window because she was practically vibrating with anticipation.

  “Well?”

  “He wants the op
en-faced meatloaf sandwich. With extra gravy.”

  She growled in frustration. “Come on. You sat down with him.”

  “Shouldn’t you be prepping for the dinner rush instead of spying on me?”

  “Dinner rush, my ass.” She snatched the slip out of Ava’s hand and clipped it to the carousel. “You’re always a smartass when you don’t want to talk about something. What’s going on?”

  Ava caught her up, expecting more dreamy-eyed romantic crap from her friend. Instead, Whitney’s brow furrowed. “So he’s been in Nashville, missing you but afraid you’d reject him, while you’ve been here, missing him? That’s sad, Ava.”

  “He made his choice.”

  “He was young and stupid, though. If there’s a chance that—”

  “No.” Ava couldn’t let herself imagine a life in which she was able to forget what Jace had done and they could live happily ever after. She didn’t believe it was possible and hoping for it, only to be crushed again, wasn’t something she could stand. “I can’t let him in again.”

  The bell rang out front, giving her an excuse to escape whatever argument Whitney was going to throw at her. Then it rang again, so she had multiple tables to take care of.

  When she brought Jace his lunch and topped off his coffee, he thanked her, but didn’t say anything else. Since she was constantly aware of his presence while she worked, she was also aware he did a lot more pushing food around on his plate than he did eating, but he probably ate about half before he shoved his chair back and walked to the register.

  She met him there and took the gift certificate from him. “I’m supposed to just write the new balance on it, but I’ll give you the difference in cash.”

  “So I don’t have to come back?”

  Their eyes met over the counter and she didn’t have the heart to tell him that was exactly why. “You’ll be going back to Nashville soon and I’d hate for the balance to go to waste.”