Part of Me (Jessa & Paxton #1)

by Haven Francis

  Jackson and Julia walk into the dining room then and Jessa’s hand clamps down harder onto my thigh.

  “Is this the girl you were with last night?” Julia asks. “I thought you were just gutter diving, looking for some guaranteed action, but Jesus… is she your girlfriend?”

  My whole body is vibrating with anger. I’ve accomplished nothing here outside of exposing Jessa to insults. I stare at her with the worst kind of hate in my eyes.

  “I don’t think you are in any kind of position to judge me,” Jess sneers, letting go of the sweet, ignorant act she was putting on for Rachel. “You are just a child who gets off on tattling on the son of your stepmother. What did you call him last night? A waste of space? I’m curious… what are you doing that is so worthy of the space you’re taking up?”

  “Oh my god, put your Lee press on nails back in the box,” Julia tells her, which causes Rachel to snicker and Jackson to full on laugh like a hyena.

  “I’ll take that as a nothing,” Jessa tells her. “I’m guessing you have done absolutely nothing with your life besides spend your daddy’s money.” Jessa says and it’s the absolute fucking truth.

  This situation is running off the rails though and I’m here for a reason. I turn to Rachel and tell her, “I know you have a plan, so tell me what it is. Tell me what I have to do to keep your ass off Gabriel so we can finally cut ties for good.”

  “I don’t understand it Paxton – why you are always defending that dirty Mexican. All he’s ever done for you is show you how to be a loser and an addict. But here you are, walking into a house where you know damn well you are not wanted, trying to talk your way out of this situation he got you in. You have always been just as weak and desperate as he has. Maybe it’s time for you worthless Alvarados to learn to support yourselves and stop leaching off of us. I’m done enabling both of you. I’m meeting with the lawyers this afternoon.”

  I hear Jessa’s shocked intake of breath, but at this point in my life, I’m immune to Rachel’s cruel words. “Why can’t you just get over him, huh? Shit, Rachel, it’s been fifteen years. You think you would be willing to let him go by now. I mean, Jesus, you used me to hold onto a piece of him and now that I’m finally gone you’re going to…what? Hold the fact that I sold your husband’s car over his head, just so you can keep one fucking foot in his life? It’s sad, Rachel. You ruined my life and yours all because you couldn’t handle the fact that a ‘dirty Mexican’ didn’t fucking want you. Hell… maybe that’s the only reason I’m here – you probably got yourself knocked up just so he would be stuck with you…” I’m ranting, not thinking about the words I’m saying, barely even comprehending them, but when I see Rachel’s eyes widen for a moment, before flickering to her husband’s children, I know it’s because I’m onto something. Did I just bust her? Did she really just get pregnant so that Gabriel would be tied to her, “Oh, shit,” I laugh, even though this isn’t funny. But it is shocking. “Jesus, Rachel. Are you fucking serious? God, it makes so much sense now. I mean, it was bad enough knowing that my only purpose in your life was to be the weapon you would torture him with for not loving you… not wanting you. But, damn, part of me believed all that bullshit you fed me – that you were actually on your way to becoming someone, to making it as an actress, and that you hated me because I took that away from you and because I had his Hispanic blood running through my veins. But, shit, that wasn’t it at all, was it? You fucking hate me because you had me so he would love you. But he didn’t. Even though you were the mother of his son, he never loved you. But he loved me. He’s always fucking loved me. He wanted me and he never wanted you. And you couldn’t fucking handle that.”

  Rachel forces out a contrived laugh. “That’s amusing, Paxton,” she says coolly, but her expression betrays her tone. Her eyes are full of panic and her mouth is puckered so tight, there are actual wrinkles around it – something I’ve never seen on her face.

  Jessa lets out a laugh of disbelief which alerts me to the fact that we are not alone in the room. I turn my eyes to Jackson and Julia who are dead silent – not their usual state. “And these two fucking kids…” I shake my head, looking back at Rachel as everything starts to become clear under my new found perception. “God damn it, I knew they were nothing more than accessories to you – the well bread children that coordinated with your cookie cutter life, but, shit, it wasn’t the neighbors you were trying to impress… it was Gabriel. What the hell did you think was gonna happen? He was going to see you with your brand new shiny family and get jealous…? Want you back?”

  She lets out another bullshit laugh, rolls her eyes and shakes her head, but she’s speechless. Rachel is never speechless and I know that the reason for her condition now is because she’s too shocked to come up with the bullshit that she can usually pull out of her ass to cover up the truth about who she is.

  “I hate to break it to you, mother but he stopped giving a shit about you well before you walked out of his house. All you are to him is the piece of shit he’s gotta send me to when summers over and the bitch that’s been supporting his ass while he parties and has a good time with his women. He don’t even say your name. Do you realize that? Not once, in my entire life, has he ever let you have the title of my madre. So go right the fuck ahead and claim these two mamons. None of this shit is ever gonna get you the only thing you’ve ever wanted – to belong to Gabriel. To be a fucking Alvarado.”

  When I finally shut up, the room is dead silent. I feel like a weigh has been dropped out of my body. I mean, shit, Gabriel and I are still fucked, but I’m completely out from under them. Now that I understand, and now that she knows I understand, she has no hold on me.

  She flares her nostrils and her shoulders stiffen. “I would love to sit here all day and listed to your amusing delusions, but we are ready to eat now. It’s time to put out the begging dog. You have two weeks to come up with the ninety grand it will take to replace my husband’s car. After that, we’ll start taking the money ourselves. I doubt your father’s shack is worth enough to even put a dent in the cost of the car, but we’ll start with that.”

  Shit. So maybe I’m not completely out from under them. God damn it.

  “What the hell is wrong with you?” Jessa spits at her, removing her hand from my leg to prop herself over the table. I grab a hold of her before she lunges at Rachel and drag her out of the dining room.

  “White trash,” Jackson calls after us.

  I manage to get Jessa’s writhing body to the foyer where I set her down. I grab onto her hand and lead her to the back stairway and down to the basement. “I want to get out of here, Paxton,” she tells me and I can hear in her voice that she’s about to flip out.

  “Give me a minute,” I tell her, leading her to the dark corner and opening my bedroom door. I flip a switch, illuminating the cinderblock, windowless room. I head to the heat register and rip the plate off, digging my hand inside and removing the lock box. I shove it down the back of my pants and head out of this house for the last time.

  Jessa looks like she’s in shock as we back out of the driveway. I turn up the volume on the stereo so that talking is not an option. The bit of euphoria I felt during my moment of clarity with Rachel has worn off and I’m feeling the effects of being in that house with her again. I’m just trying not to throw up and I don’t want to hear Jessa point out the obvious to me. I don’t want to hear what that life looks like through someone else’s eyes.

  It’s not until I pull up to Vi’s apartment that I realize this is the end. I’m leaving and going back to California where I will have to face Gabriel and tell him he’s fucked. That I managed to, not only take away his bank, but his home too. Even if we pooled every cent we have, including the money I’m gonna get for my Charger, and Gabriel’s vatos threw in too, we wouldn’t even be close to coming up the ninety K it’s gonna take to replace that car. I’m wondering how malicious Rachel actually is. Why she sent me off in that car with the title in the glove box instead of buying me a
beater or sending me off on the bus. She knew I would sell it. She knew when the time came I wouldn’t be able to replace it.

  I turn down the radio and turn to Jessa who looks about as broke down as I feel.

  “What are you going to do, Pax?” she asks, looking lost in her thoughts.

  “I’ll figure it out. Don’t worry about it.”

  “I have a little over twenty thousand in my college savings fund, I can try to find a way to withdraw it…”

  “Jess, no. I’ll figure it out.”

  “Paxton, stop. You need as much help as you can get dealing with that… woman. Everyone here will help you, your family in California will help you. Don’t let her take away your dad’s house because you’re stubborn. Let’s figure this out.”

  “I appreciate it, Jess, but all I can do now is head home and try to figure this shit out.”

  Jessa stares at me and lets out a sigh of defeat. “You look exhausted, Pax. Are you really going to try and drive right now?”

  I am exhausted. All I really want to do is head inside that apartment and bring Jessa back to our bed and sleep.

  “Please, Pax. You need a minute to chill out. Just come up… just for a few minutes, at least eat something before you go.”

  I pull the keys from the car and open my door. I follow Jessa into the apartment and it feels like I’m home. I shouldn’t have come back in here.

  Violet comes running into the living room. “Oh, thank God, I was so worried about the two of you. What happened last night?”

  “I doubt he wants to talk about it right now,” Jessa mutters as she heads into the kitchen.

  “Okay,” Vi says, staring at me with sadness in her eyes.

  I walk to her and sling my arm around her back, following Jessa to the kitchen. “It was no big deal, don’t look so depressed.”

  Jessa lets out a disbelieving laugh, but doesn’t comment.

  “You look awful, Pax.”

  “Thanks, Vi. I feel pretty awful.”

  Jessa sets a sandwich and a glass of water. I eat it with my two girls staring at me with concern.

  When I finish I head to my bedroom to collect the shit that didn’t make it into my duffle. I pause when I step foot back in our room. My clothes are in a bundle by Jessa’s pillow. The bedside table is littered with tissues and it’s like I can feel the pain. The pain that Jessa felt being here without me. I can’t imagine having to sleep in that bed without her. I can picture how hard it was for her. Because, shit, she loves me. She’s in love with me.

  Jessa walks in and grabs the trash can, throwing the tissues in it, trying to hide the evidence of what she felt. She looks embarrassed as she gathers my things that she was apparently sleeping with. I think about how she wouldn’t keep my sweatshirt and I suddenly realize how hard this is. So hard that she can’t keep any piece of me.

  All of the sadness and depression that I have been covering up with my anger suddenly takes over my body and I have to sit down – on the bed.

  Jessa comes and sits by my side but doesn’t say anything. I know I can’t get up and leave right now. I feel like I’m not physically capable of it. I know this is wrong, not only for me, but for Jessa too, but I lay down in the bed, pulling her along with me. I can’t think of how to make anything better for Gabriel or Jessa or me, all I know is that the only way to get through this moment is to hold her, in our bed, until I can manage to do something else.

  Chapter 24 - Jessa

  My body is reeling with emotions, but I can’t really put thoughts together. It was awful, watching the way his family treated him. Why do they do that and how long have they been doing it for? Is that how he grew up? Is that what his life was? I hope not, but from the things he said to her about Gabriel, I’m guessing that it was.

  This goodbye keeps getting prolonged and I know that the longer I hold onto him, the worse the pain will be when he finally goes, but I don’t care about that. I’m just grateful he’s not in that car driving out of my life at the moment.

  The room is dark and quiet and I know Paxton needs to rest, but I need to understand what I just witnessed. I search for the right words to say to him. “I’m sorry that that woman is your mother,” I whisper.

  He doesn’t say anything and I’m guessing this is one of those things he doesn’t talk about. That he’s never talked about- with anyone. Out of all the things that have been hinted at by the people in Paxton’s life, his shitty family was never one of them. Obviously, since his mom was paying him to stay out of Chicago, I knew his family life wasn’t ideal. But the way those people treat him is crueler than I could have imagined.

  I want to know. I want to know what happened to him in that house. “Is that how your life was? Is that how she treats you?” He’s still quiet. He doesn’t want to talk about it and he doesn’t have to, but I need to get this shit out in the open. “Why would she do that? How could she do that? Treat you like shit and treat those pretentious assholes like they are God’s gifts to stepchildren? And you had to live with them? You had to grow up in a house with those two? And why the hell was your bedroom down in that dank basement? Did you choose that, or did she do that to you? I mean, would she really treat her own child that way, just because your dad didn’t love her?” He’s still silent, but now I want answers. I want to understand this guy that I care about more than anyone in this world who is still keeping himself locked in a cage. I sit up then straddle my legs over his stomach and lean into his face until I can make his eyes out in the dark room. “Tell me, Paxton. Tell me something, anything, because I need to understand. I want to understand. How the hell could someone treat their kid that way?”

  “I don’t know, beso,” he finally mutters.

  “Answer my questions, Paxton. Just one. Give me something.”

  His hands move out from behind his head and I feel a finger stroking my cheek softly. He holds onto my waist and picks me off of him, laying me on the bed, facing away from him. His body forms to mine and his hand rests on my stomach. “Yeah. That’s how I grew up. I don’t know that it was that bad at first. I don’t remember a lot about my first few years in that house.”

  His melancholy voice make my whole body ache. “What do you remember, Pax?”

  “I remember my room. I used to live upstairs with them and that room is about all I remember. I remember being alone, looking out the window, playing with my toys, eating meals at a table that was in the corner. I remember her in there with me sometimes - playing on the floor with me and reading books to me, laying with me in my bed. I remember a song she used to sing to me. I remember loving her.”

  I hold tight to Paxton’s hands as the tears flow freely from my eyes. The thought of him as a little boy loving that woman is too much.

  “I think as the years went on things just got worse. Maybe in the beginning she cared about me, but I think eventually I really was just the pawn she was using in a game she thought Gabriel was playing with her. Maybe me being her child was not getting to Gabriel how she wanted it to so her focus shifted to Jackson and Julia and I just wasn’t a player in her game anymore. Maybe she thought if he knew she had replaced me with another man’s children, it would affect him somehow. I don’t know… I’m just starting to figure all this shit out myself. It’s not something I’ve ever wanted to think about. I’ve never been forced to try and figure it out until now. It was just my life.”

  I suck in a hard breath, desperately trying not to become the blubbering baby I don’t deserve to be right now – this is his hell… his past. And he’s not crying. I can’t lose it right now. But that hell was just his life. He didn’t even know any better. And, Jesus, knowing he felt that is painful.

  “After a while she just stopped coming to that room, stopped bringing me meals. I remember having to go to the kitchen, being scared of what they would say to me. Or what they wouldn’t say to me. Eventually I just chose to stay in that room.

  “Every day was the same. I got up in the morning, took care of my shit, w
aited at the corner for my bus to bring me to public, while Rachel drove past me in her car on her way to bring Julia and Jackson to their private school. I floated through my days trying not to be noticed, came back home and retreated to my room until the next day when I had to do it all over again.”

  My heart is pounding against my chest and I can feel the blood pumping through my veins. “Pax,” I mutter through my tears.

  “It’s okay, beso, because in the summer, for three months, I got to be free. I got to go to Venice and be with Gabriel and live outside in the sun. I never wasted a minute in Venice. I got up with the sun, spent my days on my board with my boys - on the boardwalk, surfing in the ocean, hanging out at my uncle’s tattoo shop. I felt like I owned that town. Like it was built for me. I didn’t even have a bedroom in Gabriel’s house. I slept on the couch, and I loved it. I hated walls. I hated looking out windows into the world.

  “Life there was insane. I was always an hombre. I was never a kid. Beer and weed were part of my diet since I was nine. I had sex for the first time the summer before I turned fourteen. I never slept; there was no such thing as bed time with Gabriel. I thought it was perfect. When I was twelve my uncle gave me my Gringo guitar tattoo and I loved that thing. It was a piece of Venice that was part of me, that Rachel couldn’t take away. But she punished me for it. That’s when I got moved to the basement and if she bothered to talk to me it was to rail on me about being a dirty Mexican loser, a waste of an egg and my fathers fucked up son.

  “It wasn’t ‘til Gabriel went to lock up that she disowned me completely. That’s when I finally found a life here, but you get the vague idea how all that ended.”