The Fifth Circle

by Tricia Drammeh

  “Nothing. People just said a bunch of shit, that’s all,” she replied tearfully.

  “About me?” I asked, saddened by the idea that our association had caused her any pain.

  “A little. Darren. You know how he is.”

  “You want me to kick his ass?”

  “No. He’s not worth it,” she said, sniffling. She sat a little closer to me than she had that morning and she allowed me to hold her hand.

  “You want to come over to my house for a while?” I asked. She nodded.

  When we got to my house, she offered to help me make something to eat. As she moved around the kitchen, I drank in every move she made, feeling turned on even as she opened the microwave to take out a plate of heated up chicken nuggets. We sat down at the table and she stubbornly avoided my questioning looks.

  “Are you embarrassed to be with me?” I asked. The expression on her face told me that she was.

  “It’s not you. It’s everything. Sometimes it’s hard to even exist,” she admitted. Wow. Alex was as broken as I was—she just hid it better.

  “I know what you mean,” I said. But, I didn’t. I’d come to terms with my life long ago, at least for the most part. I was who I was. I wasn’t interesting, athletic, or good-looking, but hell—most people weren’t.

  High school was just part of the journey. Life didn’t revolve around it, or at least, it shouldn’t. In our town, people seemed to get stuck there and had a hard time escaping. In the Saint Louis area in general, people were fixated on their alma mater. “What high school did you go to?” was a common greeting even among middle-aged adults. It was disturbing on many levels.

  “Sorry. I’m depressing, aren’t I?” she commented, brightening up a bit. “You want to watch TV?” she asked.

  “Sure.” I followed her to the living room and we watched a stupid syndicated sit-com. When my thoughts turned to Stryder, I pushed them away and reached for the one thing that gave me comfort. Alex went stiff in my arms.

  “I don’t want to hurt your feelings, Sean, but I’m not ready for that kind of relationship. Not yet. Can we just…kiss and stop at that?”

  She didn’t outright reject me and that gave me some hope for the future. I was fine with just kissing and hand holding—for now. Sometimes it was nice to feel the touch of another human being, to feel that connection, even if it led nowhere. I wondered how I’d lived without affection for so long. People weren’t meant to be so detached and isolated from each other.

  ***

  Every day after that was the same. Alex rode with me to school and let me hold her hand. When we arrived in the parking lot, her embarrassment kicked in and she gave me a wide berth. I slogged through the day and struggled to stay awake. I did just enough school-work to ensure that I passed each class. I would rather die than be held back and have to go to high school another year. When the teachers droned on during their dull and unimaginative lectures, I surveyed my OwlBane maps.

  I still played the game as often as I could, but ever since Homecoming, it didn’t have the same hold on me as it had in the past. Instead of rushing to my room to turn on the computer, I spent my afternoons with Alex. I tried to make it past first base once again. She let me kiss her whenever I tried, but never initiated contact. That was who she was, and I could accept it. She’d always been shy and reserved. Occasionally, I would to go further than just a kiss, but she always stopped me. One day, I vowed. One day.

  ***

  It was right before Thanksgiving break and I was flying high on the possibilities of having five days off of school. I walked through the cafeteria, adrift in thoughts of staying up late on the computer, then sleeping in the next day. Darren was on me before I could fortify my internal defenses.

  “Hey, Stryder. Do they celebrate Thanksgiving in Tales of Andrometis?” he barked out, laughing at his own lame joke. “Do they celebrate holidays in the psyche ward?”

  I had a brief, graphic vision of pummeling Darren until he couldn’t move. How do you defend yourself against someone who could easily kick your ass? How do you defend yourself against the truth? My mom would have told me to ignore it. She said bullies only picked on those who didn’t fight back and that if I didn’t give my oppressors ammunition, they would soon get bored and move on to someone else. Little did she know, Darren happened to be a bully with a long attention span. He’d been giving me shit since sixth grade.

  A soft voice broke into my thoughts. “Maybe you should worry about whether or not they celebrate holidays in prison, since I’m sure that’s where you’ll end up,” Alex said.

  “It was only a matter of time before you two losers hooked up,” Darren snapped, smirking at the two of us. “Is she good, Sean? Or would you even know?”

  Alex blushed darkly. “He knows enough. Maybe you should stop worrying so much about my life and start worrying about your own. How does it feel to know the only thing you’re good for is football, but you aren’t good enough to attract college scouts? After high school, the only place you have left to go is down. You’ll never be more than you are now.” Her voice shook, but she stood her ground.

  Darren laughed uncomfortably, called us a few names, and scurried off to join his friends. I tried to thank Alex for sticking up for me, but she wouldn’t meet my eye. I couldn’t think of anything else but Alex the rest of the day.

  When we pulled into my driveway after school, I asked, “Are you coming inside?”

  “I guess,” she replied. I took her into my house and set about the ritual of making pizza rolls for two.

  “So where did all that come from?” I asked. “I mean, what you said to Darren?”

  She laughed softly. “Oh, there’s more where that came from. I’ve spent many hours thinking up things I want to say to people, but I never say them. I mean, every time I get pissed at someone, I just stand there like an idiot. I always think of all these great comebacks later, but I never get to use them. I had more,” she admitted.

  “Thank you, Alex. No one has ever taken up for me before,” I said, standing over her. I bent down and kissed her on the lips. She didn’t turn away, but she didn’t kiss me back either. We ate our pizza rolls in relative silence before I lured her to my bedroom with promises of seeing my new printer. She looked around the room in covert fascination, her eyes skipping over the stack of moldy plates on my dresser, the discarded dirty garments on the floor, my rumpled bedspread.

  “Nice,” she commented when her eyes landed on my desk once more. “What’s this?” she asked picking up a piece of paper with a diagram.

  “Strategy.” I only felt a little embarrassed to see hard-copy evidence of my idiocy in her hands. She glanced at it briefly before putting it back down. There wasn’t enough geek in her for her to be able to make sense of it. I had notebooks and file folders full of detailed maps and charts that laid out my battle plans, defense strategies, and past defeats and victories. Seriously, what did she think I did in school all day? When I wasn’t on the computer, I spent hours working on strategy. It was the only thing that got me through the day. Well, that and fantasies of getting Alex into my bed.

  “Do you want to sit down?” I patted the mattress next to me. She hesitated for a moment before sitting down a couple feet away from me. “Come here,” I urged, putting my arms out. She scooted a little closer and I met her halfway. I kissed her until the insistent throbbing between my legs became too much. It was time for her to make a choice. If she said no, we’d have to leave this room, otherwise I wouldn’t be responsible for my actions.

  “I want you,” I breathed. “Please. I won’t hurt you. I’ll make it special.”

  She glanced away from me.

  “This is all I’ve ever wanted,” I said. When she didn’t respond, I continued, “That’s why I’ve wasted so much time on gaming. It was to get my mind off you.”

  I could tell she was listening, that she was beginning to consider it.

  “I love you so much. You’re the only thing I had to come home to
after I got out of the hospital. Please, Alex.”

  She took a deep, sharp breath and I knew she wanted me. She was just too scared to admit it to herself. She gave me one quick nod and I got up and crossed the room to make sure the door was locked. After rummaging around in my dresser drawer, I pulled out a packet of condoms. I would never leave birth control to chance—or to Alex. She was too indifferent to take care of things, so I purchased the condoms the day after the Homecoming dance in hopes I’d need them some day.

  She looked at me in wide-eyed fear and I felt my chances slipping away. I kissed her before she could protest and she melted into me once more. I peeled off her clothes just a little at a time. With each kiss, I unfastened one button. With each caress, I eased the shirt from her shoulders another inch. Her bra was an enigma. I struggled to unlatch it and finally appealed to her for help. I knew if she took it off on her own, she was ready. This would give her another chance to change her mind and bolt.

  “A little help?” I whispered.

  To my immense relief, she reached behind her and unhooked it. She allowed me to ease it from her body. I nearly wept with joy when I gazed upon her breasts, large and unencumbered by their restraints. I dipped my head to taste first one, then the other. She closed her eyes and gasped.

  “Are you okay?” I asked.

  “Mmm hmm,” she murmured. I eased her back onto the bed and kissed her mouth again. I sat up just long enough to remove my shirt, then leaned over her once more. She tentatively ran her hands along my bare chest and I shivered at her shy touch. Her fingers skimmed across my belly and rested on the button of my jeans. That was my undoing.

  Chapter 5- Alex

  The internal hurricane that never rests

  Hurtles the spirits onward in its rapine

  (Canto V, lines 31 & 32)

  I wasn’t ready. I knew that the moment I sat down on his bed. I wasn’t ready, but I gave myself to him anyway. He said he loved me. He said he’d fallen into his online gaming obsession to keep his mind off me. Wouldn’t it be cruel to tell him no? Sean was fragile. I couldn’t risk pushing him away, knowing he could relapse at any time. He was the only person who really loved me, so why shouldn’t I show him how much I cared about him?

  With every kiss, I wanted him less. But with every kiss, I felt more and more indebted to him. I knew the further I let him go, the more unlikely it would be that I would be able to change my mind. He began to unbutton my shirt and I wanted to leave. He eased the shirt from my body, and I wanted to cover myself and cry. He struggled with my bra, and when he asked me to help him remove it, I unhooked it myself. I could feel his elation and see victory in his eyes. He knew he had me, so I let him believe I wanted him. It was too late to turn back.

  When he removed his shirt, I touched his bare skin for the first time. I’d always fantasized about marrying a muscled, ripped, well-experienced man, a man from one of my silly romance novels. Sean was not that sort of man. His kisses were too rough, too wet. His touch was fumbling and desperate. But, I felt wanted, and that would have to be enough.

  I felt guilty for not wanting him, so I pretended I did. I rested my hand on the button of his pants as if to show him how much I desired him. I didn’t.

  “I’ll be gentle,” he whispered, as he eased my jogging pants down, down, down. I lifted my hips to aid him in his quest. The cold air hit my naked thighs and I pushed my knees together instinctively. Sean eased them apart. His hand began at my knee and inched up toward the part of me I tried to hide. I liked the feel of his hands on my legs, but didn’t want him to go much further.

  “Are you okay?” he asked, giving me yet another chance to back out.

  “I’m fine,” I lied.

  He breathed a sigh of relief and kissed my neck. His fingertips breached the security of my underpants and I gasped in horror. He mistook my exclamation as pleasure and moaned against me. His fingers were inside me and I felt tears well up in my eyes. I didn’t want to do this. A draft of cold air hit me as Sean stood up to take off his pants.

  “Are you sure you want to do this?” he asked, his voice raspy, his eyes glassy with lust. I told myself it was all worth it just to see him look at me that way.

  “Yes,” I whispered, averting my eyes as he struggled with a condom. After several clumsy attempts, he finally got one on. He climbed on top of me.

  My heart beat out a rhythm: stop it, stop it, stop it. It was the rhythm of my childhood, a beat only I could hear, because no matter how often I shouted the words inside my head, no one else could hear them. I’d whispered the words, whimpered them, screamed them, but nothing made the rhythmic thrusts stop. There was a time long ago when I used to say “no,” but it didn’t matter, because my words were ignored. “No” meant a rough hand over my mouth to muffle my voice. Maybe I could blame that for my theme song.

  Sean would have stopped and that’s why I couldn’t tell him no. He wouldn’t have forced me or hurt me or made me cower in shame, and for that, I loved him. For that, I owed him what I was afraid to give to anyone else, what had been taken from me before I even knew what it was I’d lost.

  “I love you,” he whispered.

  I couldn’t bear to look at him, so I turned my head when he tried to kiss my mouth. He nuzzled my neck instead. The pain of penetration almost made me cry out, but I didn’t. It was important to maintain silence, to keep my legs relaxed, to remember to breathe. I was relieved when he cried out and collapsed against me.

  “I love you,” he whispered against my neck. “I love you so much.”

  “I love you too,” I said. I did. I’d always loved Sean. He was my best friend, my accidental lover, my boyfriend by default. I ignored the hollow feeling and vowed to cry later. When he looked at me, I tried to smile.

  “That was amazing,” he said. I remained silent. I couldn’t agree—even I couldn’t pull off a lie that big. “Are you okay? Did you like it at all?”

  “I’m fine. I liked most of it. It was just…a shock. I’m not used to…I mean, you were very gentle. Thank you for being gentle.”

  “It’ll be better the next time. I’ll make sure you enjoy it,” he promised. I couldn’t imagine ever enjoying something so awkward and humiliating, but I enjoyed the way he held me afterwards. I enjoyed his gratitude, the expression of wonderment on his face, his declarations of love, the way he told me I was beautiful. I liked it when he stroked my hair and promised to take care of me. When he told me how happy he was, it almost made it worth it.

  “Thank you, Alex. I love you. I’ll call you later,” he insisted as he left me at my front door.

  My parents would be home soon and I wanted to take a shower and cry a little before I had to face them. I shivered under the scalding water as I washed away the evidence of my crimes. My knees trembled and it was an effort to keep myself upright.

  Sean was my official boyfriend now. The sex was the clincher. Images of our lovemaking flashed across my mind and I could feel myself blushing at the thought of his naked body on mine. Sean told me my body was perfect even though I knew it wasn’t true. Despite everything—the pain, the embarrassment, the shame—I loved him and I decided I would allow it to happen again. I’d given him my body and that wasn’t something I could take back.

  ***

  Sean called me twice before dinner, begging me to come over. “We won’t do anything. I just want to see you. I miss you,” he said. It felt good to be wanted.

  “I have to help my mom. We’re having Thanksgiving at our house this year. She’s freaking out about all the stuff that needs to get done. You know how she is,” I said.

  “Well, call me later,” he begged.

  My dad volunteered to have everyone over to our house this year. Of course, the burden of actually pulling off the event fell to my mother. He sat on his dead ass in the recliner while she scurried around trying to get everything ready. It was nine when she dragged me out to the grocery store. “I need your help, honey. We’ll have to have two carts. God, why did I
volunteer to have dinner at our house?” I chose not to remind her that she didn’t, that it was Dad’s idea, not hers.

  Sean called me again as we were walking into the store. “What are you doing?” he asked.

  “I’m at the store with my mom.”

  “Honey, who is that?” Mom asked. I ignored her.

  “Do both your parents work tomorrow?” he asked.

  “Yeah.” I knew exactly where he was going with that question.

  “Good. You want to come over in the morning?”

  I felt a shiver in my thighs. Against my better judgment I agreed. He promised to call me as soon as his mother left for work.

  “Who was that?” Mom asked.

  “Just Sean.”

  “You two have spent a lot of time together since the dance,” she observed. “Is it serious?”

  “Not really.”

  “Just be careful. Sean is a nice boy, but he’s had a lot of problems. I don’t want to see you get hurt.”

  She was such a freaking hypocrite. She was tripping over herself with glee when I agreed to go to the dance with him. He was an acceptable date as long as it was in the name of charity. I felt defensive all of a sudden.

  “Yeah, he’s had a few problems, but seriously, everyone made a much bigger deal over it than it really was. He’s doing really well now,” I insisted. Sean was doing well. Sure, he played OwlBane, but at least he stayed away from Tales of Andrometis. Since I’d been spending a lot of time with him, he said he hardly ever played his online game. In fact, he was doing so well, he’d stopped taking all his medication.

  By eight o’clock on Wednesday morning, I was naked in his bed. He approached me with a joyful passion he’d never before displayed. It was better that time. I strongly suspected he’d been up half the night watching online videos of questionable content in an attempt to get some pointers. I wasn’t quite ready to shed my insecurities enough to approach our lovemaking with reckless abandon, but there were parts I enjoyed. His roving tongue, his kneading hands, probing fingers, gasping cries of release, were not nearly as repulsive as they’d been the day before.