The Fifth Circle

by Tricia Drammeh

  “No. Let me take care of you,” he said. I knew not to argue. I’d look for jobs some other time. Preferably while I was alone. If that ever happened.

  I sat in his truck and read my novel while he went into the taco shop. He was back outside in about two minutes and seemed pissed.

  “Assholes. Why would they have a ‘Now Accepting Applications’ sign if they’re not hiring right now?” I patted his knee and he leaned over to give me a rough kiss. We drove all around town. Sometimes he was in and out in a matter of minutes. Sometimes he was inside for twenty minutes or more while he spoke with a hiring manager.

  My dad started burning up my cell-phone at about six o’clock. Sean had been inside Saint Ed’s Pizza forever, it seemed. I told my dad I would be home any minute. I prayed Sean would hurry so I didn’t incur the wrath of the man who gave me life and threatened to take it away. I also didn’t want to incur the wrath of the man who loved me beyond reason, afraid that if I called his phone, I would interrupt an important interview.

  Sean was ecstatic when he came back out to the truck. “I got it. I start next Tuesday, but don’t worry. I told them I can’t work until five. That way I can still spend time with you in the afternoons before your parents get home. We should go out and celebrate.” He reversed out of the parking space.

  “I need to get home. My dad’s been calling constantly.”

  His face fell. “Oh. Well, fine.” I hoped his anger was directed at my dad instead of me.

  “Sorry. I…I just don’t think I can handle his mood tonight,” I said.

  “Don’t be sorry. I’ll get you home. As soon as I can save some money, I’m getting us an apartment. Then you won’t have to put up with his bullshit,” Sean promised. I couldn’t possibly see how he could support us on a part-time job, but I chose not to say anything. Why start a fight? It was nice of him to worry about me.

  I couldn’t figure out why my dad wanted me home so badly. He completely ignored me the moment I walked in the door, but really, his neglect was quite a blessing. These days, he didn’t care if I was alive or dead as long as I was under his roof. He just liked to have control over everyone and everything. He ate his dinner and drank his six-pack in front of the television. I ate dinner with my mom, then went upstairs to my room.

  The next day was Friday and Eric, a cute Junior with a good sense of humor, approached me in the Choir room. “So how come you won’t go out with me? Is it because you have a boyfriend?” he asked, sitting down in the chair next to me. I looked around nervously. He wasn’t supposed to be sitting there and I didn’t want to draw attention to myself.

  “Yeah. I’ve kinda been seeing someone,” I admitted. I felt guilty for not being able to return his affections. Even though he was just a Junior, I might have taken him up on his offer if it wasn’t for Sean. All morning, I wondered what it would be like to date Eric, or other guys. After all, I’d never really had the chance to go out with different types of guys. I felt life’s opportunities passing me by. Guilt descended upon me for thinking about other men. It was like cheating on Sean in my mind.

  I was nervous about seeing him at lunch, afraid he would take one look at me and know what I’d been up to. It didn’t help that Eric caught my eye from across the lunchroom and winked at me, causing me to blush and giggle. When I sat down across from Sean, he asked, “What’s going on?” His eyes narrowed just a bit.

  “Nothing,”

  “You look weird. Like you’re embarrassed. Or guilty.”

  My face burned and I struggled to think of something to say, something that would explain my behavior.

  I leaned toward him and whispered. “I was gonna wait until after school to tell you, but…my time of the month is over.

  “Oh! Thank God,” he said.

  My face burned with humiliation. What if other people knew what we were talking about?

  “Well, I needed some good news. I won’t be seeing you at lunch next week. I have ISS.” In School Suspension.

  “Why?”

  “For skipping, like, sixteen detentions.”

  “Why did you skip?” I asked.

  “Because I don’t want to waste my afternoons sitting in school when I could be with you,” he said.

  My heart melted. He loved me so much. I was so lucky. So, why did I feel so relieved I wouldn’t have to eat lunch with him next week?

  Chapter 8- Sean

  …Come thou alone, and he begone

  Who has so boldly entered into these dominions

  (Canto VIII, lines 89 & 90)

  I could tell Alex was upset about my ISS. Our lunch period was the only thing that made school bearable for either of us. I vowed to make it up to her over the weekend. Or, perhaps that very afternoon, now that her monthly visitor had left us in peace. My body grew hard just thinking about being with her, inside her. I yawned hugely. I hadn’t slept much the night before.

  My life had become complicated. I loved being with Alex, so I neglected my game when she was around. The only time I played the game in the afternoons was when she was absorbed in homework. I tried to make up for lost time by staying up late at night. If I failed to log in a certain number of hours, my quad might decide to replace me. Soon I would be a working man and I’d have to choose between the game, Alex, and sleep.

  The idea of working depressed me, but for Alex, I would do anything. I didn’t want her to have to work once we got married, so I’d have to get used to supporting her. If we were going to move in together after high school, it would be helpful to have the extra income, but I was afraid I would lose her if she got a job. I couldn’t bear to let her out of my sight. Who knew what might happen to her if she was hanging out with a bunch of guys I didn’t know?

  It was my last free weekend before I became a working man and I wanted to spend every waking moment with the woman I loved. She promised me she would try to escape her father’s evil clutches, but I didn’t hold out much hope. But, it wasn’t her fault. She had a hard time defending herself against him. Or, anyone, for that matter.

  On the way home from school, I shivered in anticipation. I couldn’t wait for the seduction to begin. I knew it wouldn’t take much effort to get her ready. She wanted it as bad as I did. After the last few times, when I took her all the way, when she moaned in ecstasy, I knew she would be geared up.

  Oh, she said she wasn’t in the mood, but that didn’t matter. She wouldn’t really say no. It was just part of the game. She wanted me to talk her into it—it made her feel less guilty for liking something that had only brought her shame and discomfort in the past. I was patient. It was worth the begging and the promises to be gentle. And, if she cried afterwards, I knew it wasn’t my fault—it was the flashbacks.

  Afterwards, I fell asleep with her nestled against me. It was dark when I woke up. She was gone. I felt a flash of raw, hard anger until I looked up and saw her sitting at the edge of my bed. She was putting on her shoes. A glance at my alarm clock told me it was after five. “Don’t go, baby,” I urged. “It’s Friday.”

  “I’ll be back. I’m just going to go home, start dinner, put in an appearance with the parents, and I’ll come right back,” she promised.

  “How long?” I asked, sitting up and putting my arms around her waist.

  “Like, an hour,” she replied.

  “This is freaking stupid. You’re eighteen,” I complained.

  “And still in school and living with my parents.”

  “You could move in here,” I offered. My mom probably wouldn’t mind. She would do anything to keep me on an even keel.

  “Yeah right. My dad would just love that,” she said. She turned to face me. “Kiss me so I can leave.”

  I walked outside and watched her while she let herself into her house. Even though she lived right next-door, I would never take any chances with her safety. Of course, the biggest threat to her well-being lurked within the house she called her home, but there was nothing I could do about that. Until she agreed to move out, she w
as forced to return to her father time and again. I could only hope he continued to ignore her…that he’d lost interest in her once and for all.

  I logged on to OwlBane. When my mom came home and made dinner, I took the plate to my room and ate in front of the computer. The counselor told her it was essential that we eat dinner together and that I should limit my hours on the internet. I hadn’t seen the shrink since September, and even though my mom kept refilling my prescription, I never took my pills. Mom’s job as the computer police stopped when I started messing around with Alex. I guess she must have figured if I was normal enough to get a beautiful girl into my bed, I must be healed. I certainly felt that way.

  I wished Alex’s parents would follow my mom’s example. They should be happy she had someone to look out for her, I thought. Seriously, if it wasn’t for me, she would be sitting alone in her bedroom or hanging out with bug-eyed Chelsea.

  That was my next goal: to get rid of Chelsea. I hated that girl and she felt the same way about me. Over the years, I’d been forced to deal with her on numerous occasions. She was Alex’s best-girlfriend, but who needed friends when you had a boyfriend? I planned to get that point across to Alex as soon as possible. I was afraid if I waited too long, Chelsea would start talking shit on me, and Alex would believe her. Alex was impressionable, so I had to protect her from bad influences.

  Alex was too good for me, and I knew it. I just had to make sure she didn’t find out. Then, I might lose her. Sometimes, I worried about her low self-esteem. Of course, it was her low self-esteem that led to her agreeing to go out with me. Had she displayed any confidence at all, she would have been snapped up by a football player long ago. I also worried that my constant compliments would make her realize how perfect she was, and then she might move on. But, I had to tell her how beautiful, intelligent, and amazing she was. It would be a crime not to.

  It was after seven when she finally returned. I heard the doorbell ring and left my quad-mates to fend for themselves. “Hi baby,” I sighed, hugging her tightly. She blushed and glanced pointedly in the direction of the kitchen. My mom could see us from where she sat, but I couldn’t understand why Alex would be embarrassed. It was just a hug.

  “Hi, Alex,” Mom called out. “How are you sweetie?”

  “Hi, Susan. I’m fine. Getting all ready for Christmas?” she asked, eyeing the mountains of boxes stacked along the living room wall. A couple of the boxes were open with bits of garland hanging out. A few were clearly labeled ‘ornaments’ or ‘X-mas decorations.’ “Do you need help?” she asked.

  “Well, yes. I do,” Mom said. “Are you sure you don’t mind?”

  “We don’t mind,” Alex insisted.

  I minded—a lot. I sighed and rolled my eyes. Already, my mom and my future wife were rummaging through boxes and talking animatedly about how best to re-arrange the furniture around the freaking tree. I set about the horrific task of setting up the pre-lit Christmas tree while they totally ignored me.

  “I don’t know,” Mom said. “It might look better in the other corner.” The hell it would, I thought. No way was I gonna move the freaking tree.

  “No. I think it looks good where it is. You can open the blinds and see it from the street,” Alex observed. I silently thanked her for her support.

  “You’re right. It’s perfect,” Mom decided. “Sean, carry those boxes over here and help Alex decorate the tree. I’ll make some hot cocoa.” She left the room, and Alex and I dug through the boxes. I found a sprig of fake mistletoe and chased her with it. She squealed when I caught her and kissed her passionately.

  “Sean,” she whispered. “Not now. We can do this later.”

  Damn right we would. I released her and watched in awe while she placed one ornament after the other on the tree. I admired the graceful outline of her body as she reached up to place a snowflake on a high branch, the way the multi-colored lights flickered across her pale skin, and the way she caught the corner of her lip between her teeth when she was trying to concentrate.

  “You’re so beautiful,” I said softly, and she turned and smiled at me. It was the first time she didn’t look away in disbelief or stammer a denial. “Alex, I…” I trailed off when Mom came into the room. I sighed in frustration. It was probably for the best, though. We should be in the privacy of my bedroom when I proposed.

  “The tree looks great, kids. Come on into the kitchen while the cocoa is still hot.”

  I placed my hand on Alex’s back protectively and led her to the kitchen. We sat at the table and chatted with my mom until she yawned and announced her intent to turn in for the night. When she disappeared into her bedroom, I grabbed Alex’s hand and gently pulled her down the hall.

  After shutting the door and locking it, I pulled her into my arms and kissed her until all my pent up desperation evaporated. I was just getting ready to make my move when her cell phone rang. She fumbled to answer the call and her hands began shaking when she looked at the caller ID. I already knew who it was by the expression of fear on her face.

  “Hi, Dad,” she said. Her voice trembled.

  I could hear his response through the speaker on her phone. He was so loud, it would have been impossible not to. “Where the hell are you?”

  “Next door. I told you,” she replied.

  “Well, get your ass home. I’m tired and I want to go to bed. I’ll be damned if I’m gonna wait up all night while you screw that loser you spend all your time with,” he yelled.

  Alex glanced at me warily, apologetically. “I’m coming. I’ll be right there.” She almost dropped her phone. “I’m sorry,” she cried. “I have to go home. I… I’m so sorry.”

  “It’s okay, baby,” I said softly. “Are you alright?” It was hard to be sympathetic and calm when all I wanted to do was to go next door and beat the living shit out of that man.

  “I’m fine,” she lied.

  I gave her a brief kiss. From the front porch, I watched until she let herself inside. A sense of deep foreboding followed me back to my room. I started to sign on to the game, but decided against it and instead sat on the edge of my bed and waited for her to call. No way would I be able to relax until I heard from her. Several minutes passed and I checked my phone to make sure it was on.

  At last, a tentative knock sounded on the front door. I rushed down the hall and opened the door. Alex. Her eyes were red and swollen from crying. A dark, red blotch marked the side of her face—it would be a bruise tomorrow. When I took her into my arms, she smelled like beer and despair. We’d been through this before. In the past, I’d held her while she cried, dried her tears, and sent her back to her abusive father. This time it would be different. This time she was eighteen and so was I. This time she would stay with me and I would take care of her.

  “Everything okay?” my mom asked, coming down the hallway, clutching her bathrobe tightly.

  “The usual,” I said. My mom knew Mr. Elmwood was a drunken asshole. “He hit her.”

  “No. He threw a full can of beer at me,” she wept. I rubbed her back.

  “Well, why don’t you just stay here tonight?” my mom offered. “I’ll find something you can wear to sleep in.”

  She disappeared down the hallway and I led Alex to the kitchen. I sat her down at the table and offered her a glass of water. She hiccoughed loudly and took a sip. My mother returned with sweat pants and a tee-shirt. I was relieved she didn’t tell Alex to sleep on the couch.

  Alex went to the bathroom and changed. When she emerged, she was swimming in my mom’s oversized clothing. She’d never looked more fragile. I tucked her into bed and stretched out next to her, morphing effortlessly from lover to friend. She didn’t need a boyfriend tonight. She needed her best friend.

  She had just fallen asleep when her phone rang. The caller ID said ‘Mom.’ I answered it before Alex could awaken.

  “It’s Sean,” I said.

  “Is she okay?” Mrs. Elmwood asked tearfully.

  I hated her as much as I hated her h
usband. Alex was okay, but only because I was with her. Maybe she wouldn’t have to flee to a neighbor’s house if she felt safe at home.

  “She’s fine. She’s sleeping here tonight,” I said.

  “Good. That’ll give her dad time to calm down. They’ll work things out tomorrow. They always do,” she said, sounding resigned. “Thanks Sean.”

  I hung up without saying anything else. What a stupid bitch. If it were up to me, I’d never let Alex go back there.

  “Was that my mom?” Alex murmured.

  “Yes. I told her you’re staying here. Go back to sleep.” I stroked her hair until her eyes flickered closed and thanked God my dad had had the decency to leave his family. It was crazy because people felt sorry for me for not having a father. They blamed my problems on my dad—or lack of one. But Alex and I knew the truth—sometimes it was better when they left.

  ***

  When I awoke the next morning, she was still asleep. Anger welled up inside me when I saw the purple stain on her cheek.

  “Good morning,” I whispered when her eyes opened.

  “Hey. Thanks for everything, Sean. You were so sweet to me last night. I swear I don’t deserve you.” Her eyes filled with tears.

  “Yes you do. I love you. You know, you don’t have to go back there. You could stay here permanently. If my mom knew everything…”

  “No. She doesn’t need to know all that. That’s in the past.” Her voice took on a sharp, hysterical edge. She continued more reasonably, “Besides, it’s not like we live on the other side of town from each other. I’ll still run into my dad every day. It’ll make things really weird between my parents and your mom.”

  “You’re not safe there,” I insisted.

  “After something like this happens, he’s usually calm for a few months. Maybe he’ll hold off until graduation. Then we can move in together.”

  I’d made hints about us moving in together for weeks. This was the first time she acknowledged it could be a possibility. I wanted to ask her to marry me, but now wasn’t the time.